Catperson,
I see that she is looking for a response from me. I kinda feel that she wants me to fight? Get mad show really how much I really love her. She's really questioning my love for her I'd assume. I just don't know how to fight! I'm not one for getting aggressive with my emotions, never have and I don't want to say the wrong thing. She's made comments that she feels like I don't care, maybe she wants me to care stand up get a pair and fight for her. But I don't like conflict!!! I hate it!!

I want to call this OM and say why the hell are you spending time with my wife? You know who I am and we all have mutual friends. Why do you want to stand in the middle of our relationship and make my wife decide that our marriage is over by being influenced by you!

You don't have to face him if you would just expose to everyone else. That's the point of exposing - they confront OM and WS FOR you. What are you afraid of?

Her parents have said that they want to stay out if it, that we need to work it out for ourselves. They do not want to know what is going on. I called and left a message for them to call back and they haven't.
Her two best girl friends, one I have told but she is miles away right now and hasn't had no contact with my wife since mid-May early June and won't be back until end of Aug. The other is not returning my phone calls. I don't know anyone else that would be close to her that would want to help me. The girl she moved out with, I don't have a phone # and don't think she would try to talk sense into my wife since she is going through separation and her husband kicked her out so there are probably bad thoughts there. She must already know that my wife is staying the night at this guys place since she is the one living with her and if she has said something it has fallen on deaf ears or she is ok with it.
There isn't anyone else to contact. Where do I turn now? Those are the people I would trust to expose to and the only ones that I think are close enough to her to make a difference.
I'm thinking of sending her one friend an email to tell her what has happened yet she never returned my last one a week or so ago.

I sent an email exposing my wife to her BF that won't take my calls. I'll see where that gets me.

Ok, please let me know if I'm on the right track.... here's what I'm going to do.
I think I'm finally over the shock of all that's happened. I'm upset with myself that it took this long! I nkow there is alot of you that say quite because we've been married for 1.5yrs but I still consider the other 7yrs as very important and don't want to throw that away.
It's time for me to step up. I want to do plan A!! Yet I want to get the separation papers in place asap! I need to protect myself/property. Will this give her mixed messages of what I'm trying to accomplish?

For Plan A how do I do it now that she is with this guy all the time doesn't live at home and moved all her stuff out? Should I be emailing her? Ask her if it's ok to do so? What do I ask her to do that won't put us in such an awkward position? I know her ENs.

Here they are (top 5), maybe I can get pointers????
Affection
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Admiration
Honesty/Openness

Sorry, I should say too that as of last night I exposed to a group of our mutual friends of the affair. I don't think she talks to then very often nor do I but that's the best I can do!
I also got confirmation from the BF that is away right now that the other BF does know what's going on, BUT she has said that she doesn't want to get involved.
My worst nightmare! Both best friends and Parents will not get involved! This makes it so difficult for me!!

Does WW work with OM? If so you can expose there. OM's parents.
OM's W or GF can also be exposure targets.

If WW moved out cut here off finacially. Tel WW you will not support her affair. If you have 2 cars and they are only both in your name, don't let her take one.

Let the OM support her if she is living with him.
Next if she is living with him then do not contact her unless it has to do with business. Do a 180 because with WW out of the home you will not have much opportunity to do much of a plan A.

If you both own the home or are on a lease require her to pay half of the bills even though she has moved out. The WW she is legally obligated to pay. Make her having an affair financially hard on her. Do not be mean but calmly tell her when one owe's money they can not just disappear.

WW doesn't work with OM
He is divorced and single. An old friend from highschool. I have no idea who his parents are...
WW is on her own financally. She made the decision to move out and transfered her own paycheque to her personal account, has given up our joint account and credit card, has paid what is fair for that was owing on the credit card statement the last month she was living at house.
She has been paying for her own gas/ and now as of last week, insurance on her car.
We had decided, when she was living at home, that we would split the cost of the house appraisal. We just did that a few days ago. She said that she had no money and would pay me next paycheque, then I told her maybe she should ask her parents. She ended up having the cash the day of appraisal and paid 1/2.
She is not paying 1/2 the bills of the house. I have never asked her.
I know that by the time she adds up her expenses for the appartement she is in with a GF of hers, the car, food, etc. that she is litterally living on paycheque to paycheque.

So you say plan A is not worth attempting anymore? So draw up a plan B letter and get the separation in place ASAP to protect myself???

Because she wanted to make you angry. Then she can justify her affair by telling herself what an angry, dangerous, impossible person you are.

Believe me, I know the feeling as do many people here. It's a LOT to adjust to, it's not easy, and you will be reeling for quite a while to come, unfortunately.

Can you protect yourself and your property without formal papers in place? Talk to a lawyer and see if you're liable for any credit card bills she may run up; tell him you're paying for the household bills and she's moved out, see if that will sway things in your favor if you ever do have to sell... basically cover all your bases and try NOT to get separation papers in place. If she wants to separate or divorce, make HER do the legwork, take time off from work, pay for it. Don't do it for her.

I wouldn't ask, that puts her in the driver's seat and makes you appear weak. I'd just mail her occasionally - 2 or 3 times a week - with something lighthearted. Don't overdo it or she may ask you to quit emailing, or she may block your emails.

You can also telephone her and chat with her briefly.


Affection is a toughie; maybe someone else will have some ideas on that; I don't.
Conversation - occasional emails or phone calls to chat about something funny that happened with a mutual friend of yours, to talk about something amazing you saw, etc. Keep it short, keep it light. Hang up before she has time to get too irritated, and leave her wondering what's up. DON'T talk about relationship stuff!!!
Recreational Companionship - invite her to do things that you know she LOVES to do. If she declines, go anyway. Then call her back and briefly mention what fun it was, tell a highlight of the event, and that it's a shame she missed it. Let her know you're a fun interesting person and she's missing out.
Admiration - tuck a little compliment into your phone calls and emails. If you get the opportunity, admire her to her parents or her best friend. When compliments are said to others, they're sometimes more powerful. Anyone can be nice to your face, but when someone sings your praises in public, it can be quite flattering. Don't gush, just a mild "You know, WW's potato salad always gets eaten up first." and other mild comments like that.

Another component of Plan A is avoiding love busters. What are your top two love busters?

Alone,

"I just don't know how to fight! I'm not one for getting aggressive with my emotions, never have and I don't want to say the wrong thing. She's made comments that she feels like I don't care, maybe she wants me to care stand up get a pair and fight for her. But I don't like conflict!!! I hate it!!"

Remember the last scene from "Something About Mary" where Ben Stiller has just walked out of Mary's apartment, crying like a baby?

YOU ARE BEN STILLER in this scenario, awaiting for Mary to come out and pick you because of your sensitivity and conflict avoidance. This is real life, my friend.

If you do not agree with the above, please relay your argument.

You hate it!! Do you hate it more than losing your wife?

I wonder if you CAN grow a pair.

The meek will inherit the earth, but I think that is AFTER you die.

BUT, to tell you the truth, the way she is treating you and the short amount of time you have been married, I would say cut your losses.

If this keeps on going much longer, your love for her will wither up and die anyway. I'm sure you can feel it already.

This is tough and it is life changing, no matter which way it goes. Some say it's tougher to stay and endure it even when you get back together. Think about that.

Stay strong and take care of yourself.

kirk

I do hate conflict, a lot, but not as much as loosing my wife.
I want to get her back, yeah, quite a lot of you say end it our marriage has been so short but I knew when we met 8.5 yrs ago, and her thoughts too, were that we would get married and be together forever. This is not a 1.5 yr marriage, we have had a bond together for 8.5yrs. Why should I let that go?

I need a game plan on how to get her back the right way. I don't want to cause LBs, and want to meet her ENs.

At this point it is very tough. I don't want to push hard on her to make decisions (LBs), but want to stay in contact to show that I care and try to meet some of those ENs.BUT I told her in our last conversation that I'm walking away, will it give her mixed messages if I contact via email etc.???

I could get the sep papers drawn up ASAP if I desire but I think that you guys are right, hold off and make her do it. She has been the one requesting. I told her from the beginning that I will not do it because i don't believe in it. Two months and she still hasn't done it.

Do you own your own home? Is WW on the mortgage? Then WW has to pay have the mortgage>

If WW can't pay her rent and mortgage then WW has to move in with her parents or move back home. WW moves back home then you can plan A her.

Do not make WW's financial life easy. Let her see if OM will step up and pay her apartment rent. He's banging her and not supporting her. You not getting any as and supporting her because you are letting WW run away from joint financial responsibilities.

Doesn't anyone feel that if I pushed her to pay the mortgage that she will be resentful and start thinking I'm being an A$$? Same thing with property taxes that are due in Oct and I only have 1/2 the money put away?
She's continually made it know that she is already having a tough time paying rent/car etc. She was a little upset but understood that we had an agreement that she would pay 1/2 of the house appraisal. Again, complained that she had no money...she would have to borrow from parents or I would have to wait until her next payday.

I think it would show that you're not a pushover. That you acknowledge that it was HER decision to leave, HER decision to sleep with another guy, so she should own up to her responsibilities and, maybe, have thought of all that earlier.

One of the cardinal rules here is to not make it easy financially for them to be wayward.

If she ever gets out of the fog, she'll see what you were doing, that it was to save the marriage.

I'm with Krusht.

You need to act like a man now or your wife will continue to walk all over you.

Alonewithouther


I had to go to the kleenex box because I was so broken up about your WW starting to feel the pain from the horrible choice to enter into an A after being M'd to you for a year and 1/2. Just give me a moment.

AWH, what gives with you? Do you like supporting your WW's A with an OM POS? When she asks him for money, he'll likely toss her like yerstday's newspaper. Mommy and Daddy may bail her out, but they will soon get sick of that and shut her off.

HAVE YOU EXPOSED THIS A TO EVERYONE AND ANYONE WHO COULD HAVE AN INFLUENCE UPON HER, STARTING WITH MOMMY AND DADDY?

And ftr, others are correct in saying that this has been going on for at least six mos. or more since she hooked up with POS OM. It's the very reason she moved out. I guess that would indicate that she has been cheating on you in the very first year of your M. Good luck in trying to salvage that, as even Dr H says if such an attrocity occurs so young into the M, He recommends divorce, immediately.

Good Luck,

All blessings,
Jerry

ok, to everyone here. I have exposed to anyone that has been willing to listen. Everyone that I feel would have any impact on her. They have been told. The best ones for the job are not willing to get involved!
I've read over this post from the beginning and I'm getting messages both ways to stay in Plan A and go to Plan B. It seems 50/50.
People her say that I don't have a pair. You're right.

Wouldn't Plan A now show her I have no balls? (people say it would be difficult to implement Plan A now that she is not at home?)
Wouldn't plan B show her I do?

Tell me if this is a good idea (best I can think of with her out of the house) and I will post it when I have complete. An email to her saying (so I show a pair for the situation but love for her):
What I'd base it on
-that I cannot financially support her in her affair.
-that there are responsibilities at home that both of us need to take care of like the mortgage and property tax due in Oct.
-that this affair is causing me great pain
-that I accept my responsibility causing the situation
-that I accept that I did not see the signs of an impeding affair(she asked me why I didn't see the signs)
-that I want to take steps in rebuilding our relationship no matter how small
-that we cannot take these steps until the affair is over
-that I can not have contact with you until you make the decision to end the affair


Ideas??

Yeah, here's an idea. Go read abandonedwith3's entire thread. It'll take you a while but it's worth it.

Oh, she'll SAY she hates you and you are ruining her life and she never wants to see you again. She may even tell you that she was thinking of coming back to you but your attitude has ruined any chances of that.

DON'T LISTEN TO HER.

She owns half of those bills.
Don't rescue her from her own bad decisions.

Plan A does not mean being a door mat.
Plan A means eliminating love busters and meeting her ENs.

People frequently think that if they're in Plan A they can't make their WS angry. They think that if their WS gets angry, they've committed a love buster. That's not the case. LBs fall into specific categories and they almost always involve disrespect.

Asking your wife to pay her half of the mortgage and taxes is NOT a love buster unless you yell at her (Angry Outburst). You could phrase it so that it comes across as a Selfish Demand, I suppose. Or you could tell her she owes more than she does (Dishonesty), or you could tell her how immature and unreliable she is for not paying her share (Disrespectful Judgments).

A respectful reminder that she owes half of the mortgage and the taxes, and a quote regarding the amounts, and an inquiry as to when you can expect the money, is NOT a LB.

So, no, Plan A is not about being gutless.


Plan B is not about growing a pair. It's not about "showing her" or exacting revenge or ending the marriage. Plan B is for when you have very little feelings left for your WW and you need to isolate yourself from her actions in order to protect what little love you have left for her. It should follow a strong Plan A. I don't see that you're ready for Plan B. You still seem to have plenty of love for your WW.

What is the purpose of the email?
To me, it looks like it's all over the map.
A little bit of "you owe this money, when can I expect it?"
A little bit of Plan B
A little bit of other stuff that serves no purpose (you didn't see the signs)