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Joined: Apr 1999
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Been a while since I was here last (2 years).
See a few familiar poster still around (MelodyLane, Cinderella)

Both daughters now at home and doing okay.
I'm doing good(ish).

Update: Not a good 2 years. Poor, poor pitiful me, eh?

January last year, my youngest (now 17) ran away for 6+ months. July last year, cops picked her up at 5:30 Am for rolling in someone's sprinkler, thinking the army was going to shoot her. She had dropped a gram of meth.
Spent 18 hours in the lock down ER.

I spoke with her mom (1st time in ~2 years?) andlet her know what was going on.
She started to try and blame me for not letting the kids keep in touch with her.
I politely explained it was her decision to leave and it is up to HER to keep in contact with the kids. It's not their responsibility and it's not mine. She didn't like that too well but she has been calling and writing them all the time now (9 years too late).

Then off to psych eval for 9 days. Then off to rehab for 3 weeks.
Came home and started same old' stuff.
2 weeks later she ran away again. I spoke with her mom and told her I was through with it all.
Youngest strolled in the house ~8PM a week later like nothing was wrong.
I told her she was going to her mom's house on the next flight I could get her.
11 AM next day, she was on her way. Not too happy but so what?

She was there until last month when I drove down and picked her up.

Oldest (now 22) was still seeing her bf, the drug dealer, who is now 29.
Last October, she was on meth and cut her wrist a few times. Not bad but I took her to the ER. Put her in lockdown and she tried to hang herself in the bathroom. Sent her to psych eval for a few days and she got out.
Following week she cut herself again (doing the meth), so repeat the previous week.

A few weeks later, repeat again.
Sent her to Denver to live with her aunt (ex's sister) until April this year.
She got a job in town and moved back. I told her no bf and that lasted 2 days so I kicked her out.
She moved in with bf. After I got home picking up my youngest last month, she came over for dinner.
Left for a few minutes, came back, went to the bathroom, came out and told me she dropped all her zyprexa (anti-psychotic). Rushed her to the ER, pulse at 188.
Tubed her and bagged her (ventilator) and pumped her stomach. Sent her to a different hospital with an actual ventilator. Next day, took her off it and sent her to psych eval (again).

She has moved back in with me and has been doing okay. She's depressed and sleeps 20 hours a day.
Trying to get her interested in ANYTHING but at least she seems to be doing okay.

So, what's new with you?
wink


Prayers & God Bless!
Chris
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Hi Chris!!~

Hate to say Welcome back but it is good to hear from you. I wish it was for a better update.

The girls---awww,, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with that. BTDT!! It's he!! for the parent(s). Please know this is NOT something YOU did wrong. This was THEIR poor choice to try/get involved with Meth. It's a horrendous drug. So addicting and robs the user of their very soul. Once again you are going to have to deal with the aliens taking over your loved one.

Let them know you are there for them when they decide to get clean. THEY have to hit rock bottom and determine WHEN they are ready. Seek support for yourself. This isn't an easy road.

How about a PERSONAL update on YOU? How are you doing?

Nerly

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I'm so sorry to hear about the troubles your family has been having. It sounds like you are saying that you are at the end of your rope, again. I encourage you to seek the help that you need so that you are able to be the support that your DD's need you to be. I think that Alanon would be a good addition to your recovery network if you haven't already joined.

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She's depressed and sleeps 20 hours a day.
Trying to get her interested in ANYTHING but at least she seems to be doing okay.
She's not doing ok, Chris. She's sleeping 20 hours a day....she's not doing at all. She isn't attempting suicide right now, but don't let that lull you into a false sense of security. The reason might simply be that she isn't able to carry it out in her current state.

She needs professional help, Chris, ASAP. There might not be much time before she's "ok" enough to successfully plan and carry out her suicide.

Quote
Came home and started same old' stuff.
Expect her to do the same when she's feeling "ok" enough to do so. It's all she knows and she's limited by that. She's not in any shape right now to be able to go out and learn something different on her own either.

But you can do differently than the same old stuff in response, Chris. You can learn even more than you probably already have about what helps and/or hinders in dealing with addiction and depression and then coming up with a better recovery plan, hopefully with the aid of a professional.

Also, it might be helpful to start watching "Intervention" on A&E Monday nights. They show some of the ways that loved ones (a lot of times unknowingly) enable the addict and what small changes can make huge differences.

I'm so sorry that your family is going through this, Chris. But there is hope because there is help. For all of you.

Take care

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Chris,

The type of addiction she is battling does not get "cured" in a few days' stay.

She needs long-term rehab.

It will cost you. You need to accept that, and arrange for it. She needs to go away for long-term, at least 6 months, if not a year.

That is the way to beat it. The only way - because it simply takes a long-term program for the level of problems you are describing.

Set it up and get it done. Even if it means you get a loan, make payments, or sell the dog.

SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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WOW, Chris, what a mess, my friend! Good to see ya around. Sorry for your troubles. frown


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Chris,

I so understand where you are. I'm battling the same thing. My DD is 26. Our only child. She and her dad were very close, but things got out of hand when he started travelling and having the A. For three years while my WH travelled, I was home alone dealing with all the things that go along with this - violence, destruction of property due to rage, theft, horrible fights over money, well, you know. I was also dealing with rental property and tenants, an elderly mother who I had to move 3 times, a big house with lots of land that was for sale (showings, etc, and we were in a battle with the city who was trying to take our land for basically nothing), and all of the everyday issues to manage our lives - bills etc. All this while I think WH is working his butt off, but he's actually living with OP behind my back in another state.

So, I would go home exhausted after all of this (and 20-30 phone calls from my DD during the day wanting money etc) to find our house a complete mess, something missing, a strange guy sleeping on my sofa, holes in the walls where she got mad at something, etc. Then she would come in demanding money, calling me names, threatening me. I would get calls in the middle of the night for this reason or that reason. She was in the hospital (emergency room is a good way to get pain killers), she was stranded with no ride, she was beat up by a guy, she got in a fight at a bar, you name it. She told so many people how much she missed her dad, but of course he had to work and refused to quit his travelling job to be there more. Now we know why.

So, it all came crashing down when I found out about the A. WH came back and we attempted recovery. During that time we found a crack pipe in the toilet and finally kicked her out of the house. Up to that point, we had been enabling because she was still in college, and only had one - yes ONE - class left to graduate. She just couldn't do it. She lucked out on that because they changed the program and the class was no longer required the next quarter, and since she had enough credits she got her degree.

Anyway, since then (about 16 months ago), WH left to be with OP, we sold the house and I moved about 30 miles away. I was exhaused from all of it. I paid her rent for a while, but after being evicted from 3 different places, losing everything she owned, going to jail, getting pregnant (she had an abortion), and the SPCA took her dog and put him down, I realized that I wasn't helping. We sent her to rehab a few times but it never worked. I saw a therapist who made me realize that I enabled big time. I stopped. I had to. The D has destroyed our financial situation, so I can't help her. WH took off to live with OP in her state (about 1000 mi away) and seldom even talks to her. She goes from place to place until they kick her out for not contributing to rent, food etc. She is now pregnant again, so I don't know where it will lead. The father is a crack addict who has a career in stealing (proud to say he's never worked a day in his life). She's had numerous jobs that last until the first paycheck.

As Schoolbus says, it takes a drastic program to fix this. I don't even think 6 months is long enough. I found a wonderful program that is 1 year long, and she could get financial assistance for it, but she refuses to go. It's about 100 miles away and she won't do it. Flat out refuses. At this point, she hasn't reached bottom I guess, although I can't imagine what bottom is other than death. I get so angry at WH because he has so much influence over her, and together we may be able to help her, but he took off. I talked to OP once and she told me that WH went with her when her son was in rehab. That hurt. He didn't even come home when his own DD needed help and was in rehab.

So, I just want to say that I understand where you are. It drains the life out of you to the point where you have nothing left to give. Throw in an A and family destruction and you're nothing but a worn out rag. I have to say that the most peaceful 2 weeks I've had in 4 years was when my DD was in jail.

I will pray for you and your family Chris. It's living h3ll.


BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Originally Posted by schoolbus
Chris,

The type of addiction she is battling does not get "cured" in a few days' stay.

She needs long-term rehab.

It will cost you. You need to accept that, and arrange for it. She needs to go away for long-term, at least 6 months, if not a year.

That is the way to beat it. The only way - because it simply takes a long-term program for the level of problems you are describing.

Set it up and get it done. Even if it means you get a loan, make payments, or sell the dog.

SB

If she is not ready to accept the help, that would be money down the drain. Of course, if she is not ready she will just walk out of the facility since almost all do not force patients to stay. I hope Chris is attending Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings. They are designed for the families of the addicts and are very helpful.

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My heart goes out and is ACHING for ALL of you.


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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I found a wonderful program that is 1 year long, and she could get financial assistance for it
May I email you for more information?

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I'm so sorry Chris. But, it's nice to "see" you regardless of the reason. I've missed your sage Plan B Letter advice - no one is as good as you are when it comes to that.


I've had some experience with wayward children as well, but in all honesty, our situation was not as severe as yours. Meth is the worst of the bad.

It's got to be harder to come up with a plan when both the parents are not on the same page.

Anyway - this link is to a parent group that helped my H and I keep sane during our trials with our eldest. They helped us formulate a plan and stick to it.

Our eldest is now a model citizen ! Dang - it feels great to write that.


link

I highly recommend you make a group meeting - if there is one near you - if not use the concepts and links from the site.

Best of luck

Pep

PS - here is an example from the BILY reference library. This one is about boundaries
Quote
BOUNDARIES

What are boundaries? One possible answer is the setting of limits for you. Example: We need to set limits on what we shall do to and for other people. We need to set limits on what we will allow other people to do to and for us. The people we relate to need to know we have boundaries. it will help them and us. This is not to suggest that we become tyrants or absolutely inflexible, but we can understand our own limits and as we grow and change, we may want to change our boundaries.

Examples of boundaries common to codependents who are recovering.

1 .I will not allow anyone to physically or verbally abuse me.
2. I will not knowingly believe or support lies.
3. I will not allow chemical abuse in my home.
4. I will not allow criminal behavior in my home.
5. I will not rescue people from the consequences of their alcohol abuse or their irresponsible behavior.
6. I will not finance a person's chemical abuse or other irresponsible behavior.
7. I will not lie to protect you or me from your alcoholism, addictions, compulsions and obsessions.
8. I will not use my home as a detoxification center for recovering addicts.
9. If you want to act crazy, that's your business, but you can't do it in front of me. Either you will leave or I will walk away.
10. You can spoil your fun, your day, your life, that's your business, but I won't let you spoil my fun, my day, or my life.
11. I will set a special boundary if I feel it is necessary to a particular relationship
12. I will set up boundaries, and in doing so, I will make sure they are my own boundaries.



Last edited by Pepperband; 07/20/08 11:01 AM. Reason: ps
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Hi Recovery,

Thought I would post it so that everyone could see;

It's called Teen Challenge, and there are facilities in various states. Google it to go to their websites. They are connected with many churches who will help with financing. My DD is 26, and they would take her, so it isn't just for teens. They did tell me that she had to be detoxed first. The cost was $1800 per month, which I think is cheap in terms of rehab, but still $1800 I didn't have. I was told that we could get assistance from our church, but since she refused to go I didn't look into it any further.

Someone that I know just sent a child to a place in Mississippi called COPAC (I think that's right) but he had to write a $30,000 check up front and it was only for 3 months. Not nearly long enough in my opinion.

Hope that helps....

Also, get the book Beautiful Boy by David Sheff - a story of his experience with his son's meth addiction. It also mentions differnt rehab programs.



BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Thank you very much ChaiLover.


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She needs more help then just sleeping for 20hrs a day. I hope she is ready for the help when she starts to come around. I am sorry for the troubles the children are doing. Unfortantly like most have said you have to hit rock bottom and realize it. Sad to say and Im sure it hurts more seeing your child suffering and nothing to do about it more then anything.

Best of luck and keep us posted.


Married 1996
4 wonderful children 16, 13 *OC*, 10, 7
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FWH 30's
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Unfortantly like most have said you have to hit rock bottom and realize it.
But we don't have to sit back and just wait for it either.

There are things that can be done to help the bottom rise to meet the addict.

I view it as being the opposite of enabling.

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Chris,

I am so sorry to hear of all the things happening to your kids. I wish I could offer you something that would make it better. I cannot. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Take good care of yourself. Will you do that Chris?

God Bless,

JL

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Good gawd, Chris. This update is as bad as the last one. I am so sorry. Man.

What's up with that Meth, anyway. Half the young girls my sister hires at her restaurant have rotten, black teeth and she said it's from Meth. Apparently it's a huge problem even at our university here in town.

I hope not only that your girls straighten out and you find some peace throughout all of this, and soon, but that you have some good friends/family/good woman friend that you can have a reprieve from all this occasionally with. That may sound shallow but I really mean it.

Someone had asked for a parenting forum on here, but maybe the O/T would work just as good. Just support and a wall to bounce things off of. Seems like a lot are dealing with heartbreaking sitch's with their kids on here. Although I haven't read any this bad in a while. FamilyMan's (from a few years ago) daughter was a run away and no word from, for a very long time, as well.


Last edited by JosieJones; 07/21/08 03:34 PM.
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I see your point. YOU can do something but when is it to much? when is the stress and the dealing of doing this over and over again going to break someone. Just like those that are here due to BS's they wont take anymore so they are taking a stand and doing something each at a different level. Im not saying let your DD hit rock bottom at all. I am sure your heart breaks every time you see this and go thru this. I know mine will if I ever cross the drug path with my children.

Many hugs and I will keep you and your daugther in my thoughts and prayers.


Married 1996
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Pep, that is a great list of boundaries! In fact I am printing out several copies of it. I might even post it up in the lunch room here at work.

So many people dealing with substance abuse of some form or another (gambling, too, thanks to the casino on every corner these days mad) from loved ones. frown

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Hah!
Back again! 5+ years later!

Just got oldest daughter (now 28) in a nursing home, paranoid schizo and possible brain damage (from meth). She's "okay" but has issues. Wouldn't really notice any of her issues unless you were around her a lot for a few days. Couple years ago she did spend 9 months in the state psych hospital.
Has a 4 year old son (my grandson grin ) from her bf/drug dealer. Adopted out at birth but we get to see him every few months and we keep in touch - email. The father has no contact with grandson or parents. They know his story (him & his mom selling heroin & pills now).

Youngest daughter (almost 23) is doing well.

2 years ago, I finally met (or at least was around) wankstain (OP). My ex's brother died and they came back for the funeral and stayed at her Mom's house.
Seeing him for the first time was really very anti-climatic.
It was nothing. Feel sorry for ex.

Tomorrow I'm picking up oldest and then driving to SIL/MIL for turkey day. Then take oldest back and back home. About 350 miles total. faint


Prayers & God Bless!
Chris
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Chris how are you doing personally?
I'm so sorry to hear of your daughters problems

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