I am dealing much better with the love and mourning of the marriage stuff (it took awhile). Now, I think it just boils down to plain old jealousy. I have these internal dialogues with myself on why I should not be jealous and they go something like this.

He appears to have an increase in disposable income. He asked me today about buying back some of his movies he left here. He is setting up saltwater fishtanks $$ He drives a much newer car than I do (bought since he left) I am always stressed about what is going to break down next and I am frantic about the kids health insurance running out at the end of the month and how I will afford new insurance (which is his legal responsibilty but he won't find insurance)

My reply to me: The only reason he has more $$ right now is because he moved in with some chick. When he was living alone, he was barely making it. He is incredibly irresposible with his money. I, on the other hand, have all my bills paid, money in savings, getting things fixed around the house and am not relying on anyone else to help me pay my bills.

He is still living like a teenager and is up to his eyeballs in tax debt and doesn't give a darn if his kids have health insurance. He hasn't had any in years, that would be too grown-up. Just be grateful that he isn't bitching about paying you child support right now.

I am jealous that he can go from relationship to relationship. He's really not all that, are there that many desperate women out there? He has introduced the kids to at least four different women that he was serious about and is now living with the second woman in a 3-4 year period.

My reply to me: his relationships have about a six month shelf life. Be glad that he is happy this month because when he is alone, he is a real jacka$$ to you. If you wanted to be in a relationship, you could probably go find one. We've talked about this many times (me and myself), you have to figure out what you want before you can be open to getting it. Your life is fine, stop comparing your self to some jerk who can't stand himself and that is why he can't be alone.

Or is that just something I tell myself to make myself feel better, maybe he is truly OK and I am the dysfunctional one

I am just tired of having to be the steady and secure one. He gets to be irresponsible and do whatever he wants and the girls will always worship him. You are just the one that makes sure they bathe, learn something, become responsible adults... When he goes through a bad spell, the kids aren't happy and they take it out on me, they can't talk to their father about their feelings, so I get all the tears.

My reply to me...
Grow up and realize your kids need you. Thank goodness they have one responsible parent. You chose him, now you have to deal with that. He wasn't much of a dad when he lived here, why did you expect him to be better when he is off "finding" himself. You are doing what the two of you set out to do and you are doing it alone. You are a single parent, homeshooling the kids, working seven days a week and you are doing OK. You are being true to yourself and your vision (the vision that used to be exH's, too). Now stop whining and get that laundry done!

Now I'm talking to ya'll and not myself anymore:
Maybe I am just reflecting too much. I had a patient die this weekend and it just makes me do that mental inventory thing. Plus, I get stressed every Friday and Sunday when exH is picking up/dropping off the kids. Plus, I've watched too much "Clean House" and I really need to do some major purging in the den. I still have exH crap down there that I need to box up or ebay it or something.

So anybody want to jump in the middle of my mental dialogue? I have two sides of the story, mine and mine, I am sure there is more to the truth.

I just want you to know you're not alone in your inner dialogue. I have very similar thoughts, especially when it comes to the relationship stuff. We've been going thru this for three years, and in that time, he's had 4 relationships (that I know of) and we're not even divorced yet. He's just gettin' warmed up. Thankfully, he's predictable.

My only concern these days is DS and his stability. I do think about relationships, but it's far off in the distance. Sometimes that makes me feel sad, and sometimes, it's a relief. I'm not ready.

I dunno what state you live in, but many states will make his life a living heck until he gets health insurance. In any event, carefully send the existing medical bills to the child support bureau and let them collect.

Why is your insurance expiring?

Larry

I've experienced similar thoughts. You're not alone.

Me too, Jean. Why is that? We know the drill. We know not to expect anything from exH/WH..... is it b/c we are upset that they can come & go as they please? or is it that we think that miraculously they will appear at the door with flowers and the hugest apology in the world. Begging for forgiveness.

You are definitely not alone with your thoughts.

I am sorry that you had a patient die.....I am sure that is never, never easy. (((((Jean)))))

You are a smart lady & are giving your children what they need right now. And you are smart for taking it slow on the looking for a relationship thing too.

I hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Thanks for the support guys,

On the relationship thing, I think I am wanting to want a relationship and starting to look at myself like there is something wrong with me for being OK being alone.

Oddly, the girls wanted to talk last night about Dad and the new live-in GF. They are not happy, they feel he has forgotten them. He does seem to go through this drastic honeymoon period with new women and then they dump him after 6 months or so. But he is so mean when he is in between GF's, I am a little grateful that he has someone-he is less angry to me when he is "getting some". He honestly blames me for him being alone when he is not with someone.

As for the insurance, long story, state funded coverage for broke people, I am not broke anymore but still self employed so no access to good insurance. I am looking for private insurance and we all know how expensive that is. It will be a huge blow to my budget. And yes, insurance is exH's legal responsibility, I will have to consider legal enforcement if I can't afford it. I would just rather pay it if I can, I would rather be broke than have him bitching at me about how broke he is.

(The insurance is one reason he didn't want to sign the divorce, he knew he would be liable and he doesn't want to pay for it).

And for the just seeing him part, yeah, I am always funky on Fri and Sunday. Sunday is worse since the kids always want to unload about their crappy weekend to me. I really don't want to here about what is happening over there unless someone is in danger mentally or physically. And my hands are tied, there is nothing I can do about it. Maybe in a year or two, the kids could tell a judge to decrease visitation, but I don't know if that is the best thing.

What makes me mad is this, he wanted out-OK, fine, you're out. Why then are you the main source of stress and unhappiness in this home. Only two things stress me out, worrying about what is going to break down next and dealing with him.

The kids even said they would like me to bring a guy home, someone who won't forget about them. Ugh!

Jean, why in the world are you doing this dance with him? You guys are divorced. It is his LEGAL obligation to provide insurance for his children. It's too bad if he thinks he can't afford it. He doesn't have a choice. You DO have a choice as to whether you LISTEN to him b*tch about ANYTHING. If it's face-to-face, you walk away. If it's on the phone, you simply hang up. You can teach others how you will be treated.

Your ex sounds very immature and selfish. Have you thought about just going completely dark on him and communicating through a 3rd party only when necessary. A Plan B of sorts? He sounds very toxic for your own personal healing.

I feel bad for your girls. Hopefully, they won't base their future relationships on what they see in their dad, but that's generally what happens. Too bad they're aren't old to enough to have a say about visitation.

(((Jean)))

As I was reading your latest post, I had exactly the same, exactly, as Jean. Him being broke is NOT your problem, YOU being broke is. You do NOT have to listen to his garbage, walk away or hang up the phone. He is training you to be is emotional garbage dump, so potty train him just like a dog.

And you can train your girls by the way YOU act. In other words, don't put up with the bull.

Larry

He is slowly consuming his assets, one of them being his life.

He will eventually run out of shelf life and have nothing to show for it and have no way to support himself.

My own ex-wife is a get-it-now entitleist asset consumer. She has no retirement and fully expects some man to support her when her employment shelf life is up.

Her youthful looks are fading and she will join the ranks with the other middle aged has-beens who are now worthless to the ones willing to support a high maintenance, miserable harpy.

this thread gets my seal of approval

yea i get those feelings sometimes too jean but larry and pariah are right... you will get the last laugh

Man, Jean, you could have been listening in on the conversations in MY head. Yup, had them, too.

Once nice thing about my state is the Child Support Enforcement Division (CSED). They actually seem to have MORE power than the judge.

My D was final on 07/01/08, a few days ago I received info from CSED. They have assigned an investigator to our case and have researched WxH's medical coverage (he is required to pay for our DDs) as the law says he has to choose the lowest premium available.

I don't have to deal with my own emotions on whether or not he can afford it. It's the law. The State enforces it.

Such a relief for me.

Our CSED is automatically involved when there are children in a divorce.

Have you researched your own state? Maybe they have something available that is not "automatic". Our state has cracked down pretty hard on deadbeat parents - it's hard for them to wiggle between the cracks.

This is a direct consequence of his actions. YOU should not broke because he is not following through with his obligations.

Fox

Jean,

It's always a bad idea to determine your own happiness by comparing your life to someone else's. You could take inventory and come up short in many ways. But if you have to compare, I look at his life and think, "Her life is better than his."

Why?

He is a mess.

His relationships last a few months because the women dump him. They are charmed at the onset, but it doesn't take long before they figure out he has the mentality of a teenager and isn't in it for the long haul. And that he CAN'T be in it for the long haul. They don't WANT HIM.

He doesn't see the value in taking care of his children appropriately. Too bad, because they will take note of that later. And they will hold him accountable for the struggles that you have had to endure because of it. While they may think he is great right now, when they are older they WILL REMEMBER your effort now. And they will resent what he did not do for you, and for them.

So he has some disposable income. He is disposing of it on MOVIES? Gee. Couldn't you think of something better? I am willing to bet you could, and would.


Is he "free"? Probably not. He seems to be trying to "find himself" in the pants of a series of women. I'm pretty sure he won't find himself there. It will take awhile for him to figure that out. You, on the other hand, already seem to know that you don't need to go through that stupid and dangerous activity to "find yourself". And I'm pretty sure that when he tries to go to sleep he feels the sense that he is somehow tied to a lot of blackness and hurt - that he caused - and he cannot shake that feeling.

He's not "free", and won't be until he reconciles his own guilt.
That might take a lifetime - he doesn't seem to be working his way toward redemption, does he?

So, do you REALLY feel jealous of that?


Didn't think so.

SB

Jean -

Hi - good points from some of the posters. What do you think about going into a type of Plan B again with him??

It stinks that your girls don't enjoy their time with exH. UGH.

Schoolbus is right about exH. His life IS a mess. Like I said before, you are a smart lady. You've got it together. Down days are o.k. and normal, as you know I have my share.

so, have you done any home improvements lately?? I planted flowers around my mailbox today. Came home and the sun had almost zapped them away.

I have been able to do some more thinking and I think I am finally starting to get mad (it's about time!!).

Oh, but before I forget, on another thread someone was talking about shutting down all contact with the WS so the WS still thinks of you as pleasant-that is where I have been. Just good old pleasant Jean who never says anything because, heaven forbid, the WS get angry and think badly of the the BS.

Frankly, I think it has all been a game. He pushes buttons, I smile and let him do whatever he wants with the small hope that he lays in bed thinking "that really was a decent woman I tossed aside". Honestly, what he is thinking is "boy, I can just keep jacking Jean around because that idiot still loves me and wants to stay on my good side".

Well, I have been on his good side and his short list and I am realizing there isn't too much difference.

I did have a short talk with him today, first time we have spoken on the phone in forever (we just make tedious small talk during the drop offs). My (our) child was supposed to have an echocardiogram today that got delayed due to MD's illness. Our insurance is being cancelled at the end of the month and I am feverishly trying to go through the channels to avoid a lapse in coverage while she is having this medical issue.

Ex knows there is a medical issue, he knows about the insurance, he knows it is his responsibility. I am trying so hard not to let the kids know the source of my stress but UGH!

I have some options, it will be OK it is just so frustrating to be the only one worried about this issue.

I screwed up and let him know that the kids weren't happy at his house (he said "Oh really, they seem delighted). The girls were mad because they don't want to talk to him about anything. I assured them that he wouldn't talk to them about it, stuff like that is not on his radar. He just chalks it up to me being crazy.

Darn, I let him get to me today, but at least it was anger and not hurt. That is growth. At least we won't have to have another conversation for several months. (He sorta let me go abruptly when he realized I was bring up his responsibilty for carrying insurance "Sorry to bother you Jean, I'll let you go").

and there is still that little part of me wondering if he lies in bed thinking what a schmuck he has become, and I feel sorry for him

Oh, and Kim, I have gotten some work done. I painted my bedroom a few weeks ago while the kids were on vacation with their aunt.

I had the rotten porch railings all taken down and new big columns put up instead.

My new flooring will be paid off in three months. I am considering new kitchen floors since there is a dent in them from a post d-day conversation. I threw down a coffee mug and it gouged the vinyl floor. There is a mark in the kitchen counter also, I don't know how I managed that much damage with one mug. It was a phone call so there was no threat of bodily harm to WS

The girls moved into the master bedroom last year (I figured there are two of them and only one of me). Their bathroom has been barely functional it was so full of boxes. I got it all gutted and cleaned and ready to paint. Before I could do that, they moved in there (it's a little half bath). They have books, portable DVD player, snacks and barbies in there now. I guess it's their new clubhouse.

My next project is to being installing subfloor in the upstairs space. I have 700sq ft of unfinished area. I am going to try to tackle subfloor myself, I just need a buddy with a truck to help me get the lumber home. I'm nervous, but I think I can do it.

So that's the homestead report. It is actually shocking that I can do more with less money than ex and I ever had together.

Jean,

Read Ernest Hemingway's short story "A Clean, Well-Lighted Place". You will know what your WXH thinks when he goes to bed at night.


SB

Thanks SB, I'll look at the library tomorrow.

Thanks for the previous input, I just seem to be spinning. But it seems like every time I go through a "spin cycle" I come out a little farther ahead. It's tiring...this growth stuff .

I had a nice long talk with the girls today. We passed around the "magic ball" and that meant as long as you were being honest and your intentions were for the good of the family-people would not be offended by what you say.

They told me they hate my haircut and that they wish I would cook more. (Glad YD told me about my hair, I was going to get it trimmed, now I'll keep growing it out). They also agreed to work on how they fight with each other.

We got around to the Dad and GF issue. YD is really having a harder time with all this. It's all the basic issues, plus a few original ones. Oh, and when exH said the kids were "delighted", YD admitted he got that from her. She told him she was "delighted" to be at his house. (Why didn't that send his BS meter off, what kid talks like that??).

They did agree, IF their dad ask, they will admit they have some issues but that they are working through them. End of conversation, they refuse to discuss their issues with him.

Why?? They are afraid he will ignore them, reinforcing their fear that he doesn't love them as much as he claims to. Their history with him has taught them that.

Of course, I assure them that he loves them, they basically roll their eyes at me since I do not see his interactions with him.

AGREED!!!!

Hope you are having a good day. I remember you talking about the magic ball before -- it's great that you are still doing that!

Just writing this so I can ponder it later...

9yo and I were talking privately today (she and OD have been fighting more than usual). She confided something to me that she had been holding in for a long time. So while she was in a confiding mood, I asked if she still held the divorce against me.

Back story, she once told me that she felt the divorce was my fault. She understands that I did not want the divorce and still love her father. She is aware that we had both been cheaters during our marriage.

So today, when I asked her if she still held the divorce against me, she said "no, I just blame you for finding dad's phone" (with the incriminating text messages on them from OW-dday).

I don't know what this means. I do know that she is processing the divorce in her own way. Plus, it just reinforces how devastating divorce is to children. Almost three years past d-day and that is where she is.

OD is doing OK. She was very emotional immediately following his leaving. We did counseling (the kids and I). YD just bottled up her emotions and seems to be slowly dealing with them now. I think exH moving in with another GF has triggered more stuff.

It does make me wonder, I wasn't snooping, I was clueless. His phone was beeping, I was carrying it to him, I looked at the window and there it was. What would have happened if I hadn't seen that phone message?