So if you met her at work, can you describe how you have ended all contact and any potential chance of contact?

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

she's NOT going to give you another chance. YOU have to earn another chance. IF you hurt her again, rest assured that YOU will likely lose your entire family forever.



That remains to be seen. BUT, I must say, you are NOT getting off to a stellar start by failing to take total and complete responsibility for what you have done. YOU had an affair because of a lack of character and morals on your part. YOU chose to screw another woman and that makes you both (you and the OW) the lowest of the low. YOU can change. But you need to accept what and why you had an affair.

And why are you so intimidated by strong, capable women? Look deep inside and figure that out. Are you really a weak man? Most likely the answer is yes...so what are you going to do to change?


How did you abuse your wife? Have you EVER hit her?

she's so far ahead of you right now that she is but a speck on the horizon.


well, you better hope your wife doesn't share your attitude. YOU are that type of person. YOU put another woman ahead of your wife and family. How much lower can the OW be? You are her.

Change.

Life will be so much better for you if you commit to ONE thing.

Develop and make a part of your life an absolute commitment to the truth. Live an honest life and things will improve quickly and dramatically.

Lie and expect disaster.

Consider starting with a clean slate by offering your wife two gifts. One, take a polygraph so that all historical issues are put to rest. Two, sign a post nuptial agreement that affords your wife anything she wants in the event of another affair.

In other words, put your money where your mouth is.

Fatty, do you still work with the OW?

Fatty,

I note that your primary reasons for ending the affair include how much you were hurting your children and how much YOU had to lose. Maybe you're not yet ready to forgive your wife for her failure to meet your needs, but I hope you will spend some time dwelling on how your "solution" to that problem was to destroy everything your wife believed was good and holy, leaving her traumatized and bleeding. And how very poorly your punishment fit her crime.

Everyone here has given you excellent advice. Pay special attention to what Andrew posted--he is dead on.

Since you have just ended the affair, it is critical that you have absolutely NO contact with the affair partner you now see as someone you would "never associate with." Pepperband nailed it when she said that YOU have been the kind of person you would never associate with. Can you see that? You have been the kind of person your WIFE would never associate with--and she has had no choice about the kind of person you chose to be for the past 6 months. Your job now is to convince her that you are no longer that dangerous, violent stranger who tore her apart, and that is going to take herculean effort on your part. Are you in for the long haul?

If you are truly ready to be the man you and your wife can respect, and it sounds like you are, please hear and heed what so many who've gone before have to say. They will not steer you wrong here. I applaud you for reaching out. Now it's time to get down to work.

Fatty,

I applaud you for being here. It is very rare to get a WH on these boards.

I'll forewarn you that you will get many 2x4s slapped upside your head on these forums. The vast majority are meant to grab your attention and force you to look inwards. Looking inside at our own flaws is a difficult process, but it's a critical one for you to go through. You're getting great advice.

The biggest one is to take complete ownership for what you did and make sure to never, ever say, "I'm sorry, but...."

If your BW feels hurt and rants and vents, then let her and be understanding. A WS doesn't really understand the intencity of the emotions surrounding the betrayal. These are storms you need to weather and it will be tough because you won't be able to predict or forsee the triggers. It can be as simple as a movie sitting on a shelf, a location, or a song. Little things can be huge triggers for the BS.

So the key words for you right now are openness, empathy, and patience. It's a long road to walk.

Best of luck.

Have you thought of how you are going to handle it when the OW attempts to contact you?

It would be best to change your phone numbers, stop her from getting on any internet social sites that you have, and let friends know that you want no messages from her. Usually the OW will continue attempting contact. And that is expecially true if you have given her money.

hi fatty,
read "what.how to heal" in the general discussion that is me. i started this today. i will talk to him about this. i hope he too also joins here. as a bs im proud of you being here.
good luck

Hi Fatty,

That's a good name, I had an uncle named FAT. (Francis Aloysius T)I never knew his real name until I was 14 yrs.old. But your name made me smile thinking of him.

Welcome to Marriage Builders!

I think I darn near could have written your posts. Been there done that! I hope you stick around. These folks helped me save my marriage and saved my life. I received a few 2X4's upside the head in the process, but they kept me on track.

I'm wondering if you gave the No-Contact letter to your wife to read and for her to mail or ???
You also mentioned you met this other woman at work, so does she work with you or ???
You say your wife is posting here, what's her user name ???

Start with these few things and some of the questions others are asking you. You will be amazed how much help is available if you are willing to be open and honest.

I picked the name Fatty for no real reason, you could say I am a fat head for having an affair (and you would be right). I am not over weight but I certainly am heavier than my wife.

No I do not work for that company anymore and the OW has also left there, also she moved to another town (about 4 hours drive). So there is little chance of seeing her again unless I make an effort to see her, AND THAT AIN'T IN MY PLAN!!!


Fatty

BRAVO to you! Now, use that as your mantra and you should do great. Congrats for coming here and putting yourself out there for help. It's impressive.

So, let's get down to business. Tell us what happened, and what your marriage was like before. What's it like now?

**EDIT**

Now just to be clear, I am serious about making good on repairing my relationship with my wife. I do know that I chose to have an affair and that it is totally my fault.

Fatty

Fatty - You need to understand that many of us on here have had our lives turned upside down by someone just like you. We've had to send our children to counseling, we've had to watch our children cry for their dad, and it's not a pretty sight. So, I do applaud you for coming on here because it will probably be pretty rough at first. However, I think in the long run you could do a lot of good and maybe help others.

Gee Fatty....imagine someone thinking it might have happened. In my experience, people that verbally abuse their spouse are a risk for hittng them also. Since the word abuse did not originate from me...but from the person you have abused, I think the question was in order.

It's a nice little wayward ploy to deflect attention with anger...so go ahead. I have seen it before.

So, how about that polygraph and post nuptial agreement sport?




That's a start.

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Fatty, we have an ignore button for people you don't want to hear from.

Did you read some of the articles on the main site? I found them very helpful.

NC really is the answer.

I don't have any advice as such - I just wanted to lend my support.

yes, there you go...encourage a WS to ignore some things that could help his wife. Good job Jen.

LOL, there was a time when you could have upset me, MEDC, but not any more.

Do you know what it's like trying to get a kiwi guy to talk? The very fact he's here is amazing.