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what would be the best way for me to get her to open up and talk about what is going on without being pushy or pushing her away? what ever is going on i want to hear it from her, but i don't know how to get it out of her without the LB's. Look, unless there has been abuse in the M, no married woman w/ children, will just up and leave her H, unless there is an OM. She is not going to tell you she's having an A. She's NOT going to open up to you. The only thing that will be effective here is EXPOSURE. But, you need proof in order to do that. A PI will be cheaper than a D. So borrow money and hire one. And you are making a big mistake... HUGE mistake by not taking the good advice you're been given about your daughter.
Last edited by Marshmallow; 07/19/08 02:43 PM.
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Here's a very good post that Mr. W wrote for another BH. Please consider it. YOU will rue the day you make things "easy" for her to leave you, destroy your family and devastate your child's life without a FIGHT.
Your wife is a crack addict. NOTHING was majorly wrong with your marriage prior to your wife having "feelings" for this other man. Her "feelings" have overtaken her brain's ability to think logically. She is willing to throw away her life, her child's life, her husband's life, her vows, her commitment to God and everything decent to follow fleeting "feelings". She's a CRACK addict right now and should be instituitionalized NOT appeased. What would you do if she really was on crack cocaine and not "just" having an affair??? You see there really isn't much difference....I'm sure you wouldn't be agreeing to her moving out so she could take an apartment downtown and smoke crack all day using and wasting your families money in the meantime. Would you let her take your daughter there some of the time too???
Another question...
Why do you suppose it's a bad idea to negotiate with terrorists???
I completely understand why you are behaving this way. You love your wife and want to be a good boy so the world can go back to the way it was. We husbands are used to listening to our wives and doing/saying whatever necessary to keep the peace and restore tranquility in our lives. It won't work this time. Your wife is in abuser mode. She is abusing you right now. As a man that is difficult to perceive and understand while it's happening but you are currently a victim and ACTING like a victim. We want to pull you out of that mode and get you to THINK and ACT like the man you are deep inside. The man we know you can be and those that have come before you here have become.
It's simple....ACT...don't react.
Prepare yourself with your own attorney. Gather information on the enemy. Learn and implement Plan A, then, eventually, Plan B, if necessary. Protect your daughter from her influence TODAY and forever, if the situation doesn't turn around. Be true to yourself and YOUR vows.
You can win this but either way...you've got to be true to yourself.
YOU MATTER.
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And one more from Mr. W.... BTW...unless there is a custody agreement in place you BOTH have equal access to your child. SHE does not get to call the shots and BESTOW visitation upon you. Allowing such sets a terrible precedent. It's akin to conceding custody to your adulterous sick wife. Your child deserves better and you are the only remaining moral parent he's got.
I am attorney and I suggest you seek local representation to assist YOU with figuring out this mess and exploring your options. Until something is hammered out by your attorney (NOT YOU as you focus on marital recovery and not ligation)...you ALLOW nothing less than 50-50 custody.
If she won't "allow" this (as WW's are entitled dirtbags who think they get to call all the shots and think they can abuse you, take your kids and make you PAY for their continued misconduct)...THEN you MUST impose it.
The way you do this is...if she keeps your son 4 days and then "allows" you visitation, then YOU get 4 days. If she keeps the kid 8 days, then when she finally comes to her senses and allows you to see the child again...YOU get 8 days. Just don't give him back. She has NO RIGHT to keep him from you nor any LEGAL right to make you give him back (as long as you are FAIR hence the equal day approach). IF she denies you all visitation because she doesn't like you standing up for yourself and your rights to your child then you document THAT too and she'll end up LOSING complete custody of your child based upon the Parental Alienation laws. Typically, with a WW there is some initial hostility to such a plan...but once she meets with a lawyer, such lawyer will INSIST that she not make the mistake of denying you any custody or visitation.
Don't allow her to manipulate and gaslight you into accepting anything less than your RIGHTS allow. Stay calm and insist upon them.
Another upside. IF she ends her adulterous affair and you get a shot at recovery. Standing up for yourself garners her respect and will aide in recovery (because you won't appear the wimp that totally put up with her crap and ate it too). "Maning Up" as we like to call it pays dividends in recovery (marital as well as individual since YOU will respect yourself more looking back someday regardless of the outcome).
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bdhinferno,
Has there been abuse in your M?
Addiction to drugs or alcohol?
What sort of problems did you have in your M before she left?
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As usual, Marshmallow is right on here. Listen to her counsel - there was a time she was where your wife is now. She knows the thought process.
and she is also right, about no married woman w/ children up and leaving without an OM. This is exactly what happened to me. My ex denied it despite the fact that I had all kinds of evidence.
It's a proven fact - waywards lie.
Divorced on 3/25/2008 but I have primary legal and physical custody of my 2 kids. Plan A Thread Plan B ThreadEphesians 5:25 - Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
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You're committing huge, huge, huge mistakes.
Why will you pay CS when there is no CS order?
Why aren't you keeping your DD in your home?
Do you not understand that making things easy on WW ruins your chances of saving your marriage?
It is counter intuitive but you're hurting yourself in a major way.
Fear is what is keeping you from acting.
You're not in Plan B.
You're not in any plan at all.
Listen to the advice you're being given by Mr W.
He's a lawyer.
Listen to me. I'm in a custody battle.
You are shooting yourself in the foot and don't even know it.
Of course she's on nice speaking terms with you! You're making things easy!
Now stop being a doormat and accepting what scraps you're being given. Grow a pair and do the hard things. THEN you will see WW react like she's supposed to! She'll come home.
Why? If anything she'll do it to be with DD.
Now. You need to get DD and get an emergency order.
Like my previous lawyer told me: If there is no court order for CS, then there is no CS. She's nice to you so she can make it easy.
OM is now being covered up.
Trust me, the very people that called you "son" when you were married are the first to throw you under the bus once their precious wayward daughter decides to stray. Believe me. I've lived it.
So quit trusting in laws. They aren't your family, because blood is thicker than mud.
They'll stick up for their wayward daughter.
You're a train wreck waiting to happen and we're here on the sidelines trying to get your attention before you smack yourself into a roadblock!
D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06
DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)
She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.
Never going to happen.
Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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Hey there Shoot me an email...kytten@live.com if you wish. It sounds like we live in the same state anyway...sometimes email or a phone conversation helps...returning the favor that was give to me and it saved me from myself more than once. Hang in there 
DDay 2001, separated 2002, divorced Feb 2003, OW/WH married 2004 I believe, He cheated on her 2006 I believe. A vicious circle. I am with someone now who I lived with in 1993...funny how things work. I learned alot.
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sorry i have been silent for a while. I had a bad scare a few days ago and had to go to the emergency room with chest pains. the good news is that it wasn't a heart attack. the bad news is that they don't know what it was. I am feeling a little better now though.
Last edited by bdhinferno; 07/24/08 12:46 AM.
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i am currently gathering any and all evidence that I can get my hands on. i have eyes in the town she is in and she hasn't had another man in her apartement since they have been watching. She is playing by my rules as far as when I get my child (for once). I am standing up for myself and it feels good. I am doing things for myself for once in a great long time. the book "divorce busting" is helping me out greatly. it is not easy but I am gaining patience in all of this. i have talked to my lawyer and she has to hers. I think that she fully realizes what the end result of the games she has been playing with visitation will get her in the end. i don't know who her lawyer is, and how she is paying for it as i have finally cut all funds from her :), but at least he is talking some sense into her in this department. where i go from here i don't know, but i think it is a good start.
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So...
Are you keeping a hand written journal of all this?
If you reconsile then it will be a record of you feelings during this time. You can then do with it whatever you want to.
If you don't reconsile then it will become PRICELESS for helping you in a custody battle.
WTF
*** Warning *** Make sure brain is engaged before shifting mouth out of Neutral.
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i have but not as detailed in the past as i probably should have.
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just found out that my house will probably sell tomorrow. which is a good and bad thing. good because i can get into an apartment for half the cost a month (and I need the money), bad becasue I really like my house, and so does my daughter. it is the only home that she knew up until a few months ago.
still keeping up the fight though. i haven't lost hope, I am making no contact with ww, and i am fighting for my daughter, and my, rights.
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