Think about it, Duke.

You kept snooping because some sub-conscious part of you is trying to relive the relationship your parents had. By reliving it, you could then "fix" it.

I bet each time you snooped, you swore to yourself you wouldn't do it again. Only to find yourself doing it again. That would be a tell-tale sign that it wasn't really about your wife. It was about your mother and father.

Do you have siblings you talk to? Or cousins? Sometimes, I find it helps to discuss these family of origen issues with sibs. Work through some stuff, gain more information and understanding.

I have a sister, but she isn't the best to be talking to. She is pregnant with her 4th kid by a 4th guy. Cheated on my battle buddy (which was her husband) while deployed to Afghanistan. My cousin is actually going through a similar situation. His fiance left him for no apparent reason about a month ago. When we talk I focus on him. He has gone as far as taking out a .22 and shooting it in the air and said "atleast I don't have any more bullets to shoot myself with". So, his situation is a little more dire than my own. And yes, everytime I snooped, I said "I didn't find nothing, so I am not going to do it again" every single time, I tell you. I have read and am re reading a few books I bought on separation. They comforted me a lot today at work. Just knowing that I have to get back to my old self, what she fell in love with, gives me a lot of motivation. I just have to let go of this feeling of loss.

Not just get back ot the old self, but become the man your Creator meant you to be.

You're headed in the right direction.

How did your counseling session go?

Take care of yourself.

Counseling went well. I really had to dig deep, and he pulled a lot out of me that I had forgot about. He hasn't diagnosed me with anything, but he really thinks I do have PTSD. Not from the military, but my FOO. He is also going to be monitoring for depression, he hopes it is just temporary situational depression, not long term. He also wants me to get a full medical physical, because we couldn't find any major event that caused the behavior change 6 months ago. He gave me some homework and they aren't open next week, but my next appt. is in 2 weeks. He told me not to drop all communication with my wife, but start trying to fill her emotional needs one step at a time, through short calls and notes/letters. He had me call her after I left, and it went well. She said she was glad I was sounding better and that she is still going to to him for counseling after the beach. I am far from letting go, but I realize now that I must for any hope to emerge. He is very optimistic on me, but said he doesn't even want to begin to focus on "us" for a long time. Finally, I feel somewhat ok with that.

Your counselor sounds good. I'm really glad it went well.

Don't worry about not working on the "us" for a while. You are working on the marriage by working on yourself, and your family of origen issues.

Have a good night, Duke.

PS: Don't do anything stupid. Or stalker-ish.

LOL. Just joking. Sort of.

Yeah, She is 4 hours away at the beach with her family, so I can't do any stalking tonight. Just kidding, I am past that part now. It just hurts that she can go so long without contacting me and when she does it is strictly business. I am taking every opportunity she gives me to tell her that I am doing well, hoping she is doing well, and that I am here for her if she ever needs me. I am still up and down though. My counselor seems like a great guy. Very christian guy, I think that is what I was looking for anyways. I felt at ease talking with him, compared to the counselors of the past, where it took several sessions for me to really open up. I went out with my friends tonight. I tried to have a good time, but I really wasn't enjoying myself. I keep thinking about the empty side of the bed when I get home. I guess I can look at it like she won't be stealing my covers anytime soon!! I do miss it though. I miss even the smallest things that I used to overlook. I used to get aggrevated when she called so much while I was at work, but now I regret not being happy for every call that she made to me. This grieving really is making me find more and more things that I overlooked, and can fix in the future, I guess I really needed for her to leave me.

Well, the weekend has come and gone. I went out with my friends about the whole weekend. She called me while I was at the movies. She got to asking what I was doing and who I was with, and seemed upset when I wouldn't tell her every detail. I ended up telling her everything though. NOthing to hide, just went to watch Dark Knight with my friend. She repeated once again that "she is done". I didn't respond to that in anyway. Like my counselor said, I have to be the one to fill her EN, so I sent her a few short messages. I just let her know how good of a person she was and that she was a great mother and how lucky I was to know her. No real responses, short humorous ones was all that she sent back. Its been rough, but everyday I am doing a little bit better. Its only a very very small "little bit", but it is some improvement. I still wake up really early in the morning and cant go back to sleep.

I love it. She's done, yet she's calling/texting you and wants to know what you're doing. You know she's saying that more for her own benefit than yours. I think you were smart to just ignore it.

Yeah, when I talked to her mom saturday, I let her know what was going on and how she keeps saying that she is done, even though I am not asking if she is or not. Her mom said not to listen to her and that she thinks she is using it as a defense for her own feelings. My mother in law said they don't talk about it (meaning us) much. Her aunt just gave her a little advice about holding out and not jumping into dating again, but my wife didn't say much. I still wonder why she is still planning on going to counseling when she gets back? I feel some peace today. The pain feels a little numb. I feel a little hopeless, yet it isn't the same hopeless as the past 3 weeks.

I'd be willing to bet she's in just as much turmoil as you are. But she's protecting herself. Just let it flow and continue Plan A. You'll do fine.

I agree with Cat. And, definitely let her protect herself. Concentrate on yourself. Have you considered writing a journal? Your writing seems to come easily to you, so journalling may be a good way for you to explore your feelings and motivations and behavior patterns while your counselor is away.

I actually just re-read that in one of my books today. I think it will help me to start one. So, I will start one today. She has texted me a few times today. A few pictures of our son and just letting me know what she has been doing and what she is about to do. I am not even asking her. I just keep staying positive and I am not letting myself push her in anyway, just being an ear when she needs it. My work is finally improving. My supervisor keeps calling and checking on me. I really appreciate all of the support that me and my wife are receiving during this time. It really reminds you that people are there for you no matter what you do in life. My mother finally quit bad mouthing my wife. She is still standoffish, but I guess she finaly got the point.

People are rooting for you. Here and elsewhere.

I'm glad your mother has stopped bad mouthing your wife. You don't need that, and your mother unfortunately has a track record of dysfunction.

I'm glad you're doing better at work. You sound much more grounded.

Well, another wierd night last night. I went out with one of my friends (male) to eat supper. We then decided to go to the hospital that our other friend works at and wait for him to get off work. We were just bored and had nothing better to do! So, my wife texts me and asks me what I am doing. I tell her I am in a different town, about 20 mins. from our house, and she starts questioning the heck out of me. "who you with? What are you doing? how long you been there?" I gave her short answers, but didn't go into detail, so she got mad. She sent a message "I know you are with a girl so just tell me you are" She wouldn't stop sending stuff saying that she knew I was with a girl. She said she felt that "I was distant from her, and she knew what I was doing". I finally cracked and told her every single thing I did, because I knew if not, it would end up in an arguement. It calmed her down, then she told me what she had done yesterday at the beach on her own without me asking. I sent her a few "sweet" responses, nothing pushy or begging, just trying to fill an EN while she gave me the slim opportunity. I talked to her mom today. My MIL said my wife had been sitting around yesterday on the beach and brought up a few things about our honeymoon in Hawaii and other good times and funnythings I had done/ we had done together. MIL said that she thinks I pushed my wife to come back for the past 3 weeks and now that I have backed off, she thinks my wife is starting to process all of this and dealing with the emotions of everything, but to keep trying and to let her know that she is the only woman I want in my life and that I care about her. I sent her a message saying that and for her to have a good day. She just said thanks and for me to have a good day too. It kinda angered me that she would even think that I would move on. I have put my all into fixing myself, and she and everyone knows it. My friends even said last night that they are seeing some good changes in me already. I know I am far from "better" about my anger and my separation, but I now know that I am on the right track. She did say this morning for the first time in a week, that we are "friends and should act like it". How can she be "done" with me but freak out thinking I am with another woman?

I'm just guessing, but she's looking for more justification for the separation and for being 'done with you'. Perhaps you're getting to her and she's doubting what she should do. If you cheated on her, then she wouldn't have to doubt and she could just move on.

So basically, I wouldn't take it as a bad sign.

Jealousy can be a bad indicator of love.

However, your wife has given signs she is not through with the relationship.

If she asks what you are doing, I think you should tell her. You have no secrets.

And once you two get in the MC together, you two can work through your trust issues.

Yeah, I understand what you are saying. She has texted me a few times today joking around with me. For the first time since she left, I actually feel that we are making some progress towards a resolve. I may be wrong, but I don't feel threatened anymore or angered. When we talk, I don't feel the need to talk about "us", but rather we just goof off and joke around. I know I am walking the line, but I don't feel like I am. I am more relaxed now, and enjoying myself and the ever so short conversations/text/emails that we shoot back and forth. And, no I have never had an affair. She knows that. I was never the type, even before her, to just sleep around. I can count all of my partners on one hand with not all fingers held up, and I am proud of that.

How's it going today, Duke?

I'm just checking in.

Not to good today. I actually feel really bad emotionally. Nothing has gone on between me and her except a few short texts last night, so I don't know why I slipped back into this grief. I feel like I lost all progress that I have made in myself over the past few days. I don't know where to go from here.

Glad I check in then.

Right now, when you're feeling rough and smarting, this is when you're going to make huge progress. Think back to boot camp. When did you get strongest the fastest? Was it when you were doing something fun and it came easily? Nope. It was when you were doing something that totally s*cked and you hated it, and you thought you couldn't do it. After you lived through the experience and completed the exercise successfully, you knew how strong you were, and you knew you could perform as necessary under duress.

Today is going to be a nasty boot camp kind of day. You have two very clear goals for today: Get through it and don't react in anger. You don't have to be happy and jolly, you don't have to be super-productive. Heck, through yourself a giant pity-party if you want. The only thing you are not allowed to do is react to your wife in anger.

These bad days can surprise us, but they're perfectly normal. It's part of the reason that recovering a marriage is called a rollercoaster ride. Give yourself a big pat on the back for sticking in there and fighting for your marriage. Many people just say, Screw it, screw her, and walk away.

Take care of yourself today. Give yoruself permission to be sad.