While most affairs die a natural death in less than two years, there are some that take much longer to die. That's one of the primary reasons that my first rule in surviving an affair is to never see or talk to the lover again -- even if the affair seems to have died a natural death. An affair can rekindle after it seems to be over. And to guarantee complete separation between the unfaithful spouse and the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken, such as providing radical accountability and transparency. In many cases, I've encouraged couples I've counseled to change jobs or even move to another state to help create permanent separation.

Another suggestion I make to a couple struggling to restore their marriage after one of them had an affair is to make the affair public. Everyone should know what happened -- children, relatives, friends, and especially the children and spouse of the lover -- so that the affair is exposed to the light of day. What often makes affairs appealing is that it is done in secret. Most affairs become very unappealing once everyone knows about it.

So whether an affair is a one night stand, or has been going on for years, the basic rule for ending them are the same -- extraordinary precautions to guarantee permanent separation. But I will admit that the precautions used for long-term affairs are usually more extraordinary than those used for short-term affairs. I've helped many spouses overcome affairs that have lasted over ten years, but none of them have been easy.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

www.marriagebuilders.com/...ost2915472

Harley on kids and OPs:


1. Do I let them talk to me about what they do with OW and my WH?

Yes. Knowledge is power, and you want to know as much as possible about what's going on. Besides, you want to be able to answer their questions about why their father is with the other woman.

2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)

Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse).

3. How do you protect what love you have left when you are being ripped apart every time your kids tell you this info?

If the affair does not die a natural death soon, you're far better off letting go of your love for your husband. Emerse yourself in the reality of his betrayal and your love for him won't last long.

The only reason that I encourage a betrayed spouse to stick it out for 2 years after an affair is that 95% of them die a natural death by that time, and when that happens the fog lifts and the unfaithful spouse sees the light of day. But there's the 5% that don't, and end up marrying the lover. Only 30% of those marriages survive, but by that time so much damage has been done that reconciliation is unrealistic.

4. How do I make my home a safe place for the kids to tell me things without having to hear about WS playing house with my kids and my H?

Encourage them to tell you the truth, but as your love for your husband decreases in intensity, what they tell you will bother you less.

5. Do you still advise just waiting the 2 years of Plan B when the affair-partners have not been dealing with any reality intruding into the A all this time...meaning, isn't it more likely to end when they have to deal with kids, and bills, and living together, rather than sneaking little moments here and there??

A two year affair that's been brought out into the open is like cancer that is spreading throughout the body. While some people survive even that form of cancer, the prognosis is very bad. You're in a situation where it may be time to let go.

But remember to expose your husband's affair to the light of day. Don't hide it from anyone, including your children. Transparency is like chemotherapy. Hopefully, there is someone who is talking to your husband about the tragic decisions he's making, and can influence him to change course.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

www.marriagebuilders.com/...ost3275498

Exodus,

I questioned this very thing during the A days. I also questioned the snooping. Because of it not being said so clearly in SAA. And on here. But with the little that Dr. Harley did say about it and the BTDT people on here, I went ahead a followed the advice given (even my MC at the time said snooping was bad....BUT because of what it was doing to me personally and how I was doing through all of this....yet when I went ahead and did it and finally got the truth, she was quite pleased how I took my own life in my hands and did what I needed to do for me....).

"I am a firm believer in letting each spouse do as much snooping around as they want. Nothing should be kept secret in marriage, and no questions should be left unanswered. If a spouse objects to such scrutiny, what might he or she be hiding? "

To put it in a nutshell, snooping saved my life and exposure killed the affair dead like a big ole can of Raid.

Exposure, it kills affairs dead.

That one boggles my mind and makes me wonder if the person is not smoking some bad hoochie weed.