I had an emotional affair with my neighbor, who was also my husbands friend of a year. I didn't plan on it to happen, it just did and lasted a month or so. He told me I was the bets person he has ever met, said he wanted to marry me, said I could be the new mother of his kids, all he did since I have known him (well before the affair) was complain about his wife. One night a bunch of us went out and he ended up making out with my sister. I never approached him on that subject- just left it be because I didn't think he was that kindof guy. Then him and I happened 8 months later. I know that I am wrong- please don't yell. I just want to move past it. I had what i thought were legit feelings for him. Then one day he decided to try and end it. That didn't work. Then I tried to end it, finally after the 3rd time we ended it. We never did more than kiss- he wanted to and I said no. I also have big marriage problems. I was not in love with my husband at the time and he knew that. He said the only thing keeping him with his wife was the kids and that he couldn't stand her. The things he said about her were unimaginable. He didn't only say this to me, but to my husband with whom he had continued to be friends with. He complained to our neighbors about her, my family and friends whom he met. i came clean to my husband about the affair. I told him everything. And I knew that he could have left me but he chose to stay and work on our marriage. He went to this guys house (when no one else was around) and told him to stay away from me and my family. My husband after 6 years finally stood up for me. First time he has ever done that. He admitted that he was hurt but that we could work through this. He admitted that he was not there to fill my emotional needs and that he is part of the reason for the affair. I sincerly told my husband everything and all the feeling that I had. 3 weeks later I am still telling him. He is great. After my husband approached this guy he got afraid that his wife was going to find out. He kept calling me worried about his wife finding out. I told him to tell the truth then. Well he told her that we kissed once, that I iniated it and he ended it. Which is not true by any means. We both pursed each other. She didn't beleive him. He ketp calling me then and asked me to lie for him if she found out. He even got to the point where he asked me to use my daughter as part of the excuse. That put me over the edge. First of all, he hurt me but I expected that. Then he kept lying to her over and over again, lied about what I did and said, then asked me to cover for him. I said NO! Well his wife asked me and my husband to come over and talk with them 2 because she wanted to know what happened. We did. I told her what happened, answered any ? that she had with complete honestly, and he still tried to lie when we were there. I did not tell her about my sister though who he tried to pursue last year. His wife was hurt beyond all belief. I did not want to hurt her more. I was mad at him for lying to her when he told me how much he loved her. She did not deserve that from him. After our confrontation was done no one spoke for 2 weeks. I regretted not saying a few things (one being my sister) to her because she was just being lyed to left and right. And he knows that she is weak and cannot think for herself. I wanted to say something to her but knew that it was not my place. Then this past weekend we got a harrassing phone call from one of his friends saying my husband was a ****. My husband called our neighbor and told him to knock it off with this and to leave us alone. The neighbors came over and said they did not know anything about it but when we spoke with the person on the phone- they knew who he was. So, he was lying again. I was so mad. His wife was defending a man who has done nothing but lie, he was lieing to us again and I was sick of it. So, I told his wife what kindof person he is and about my sister out of anger. They came down here and were attacking us in our own yard. This guy has no backbone. He can't stand up for himself or anyone that he loves. He ran into the house and soon as I started to contront them about his lies. He called his sister and brother and they came over, got in our faces, said that I was obsessed with him, loved him and that we should grow up and leave them alone. Although my husband and I agreed to work on our marriage, we got this call and got upset. I know that I ratted this guy out. It was not for me to do. His wife doesn't beleive anything I said. His sister is accussing me of being obsessed and the truth is...I don't ever want to see him or these people again. I am just having a hard time being accussed of things that are not true. I know that his family will not paint a pretty picture of me, but I am working on things with my husband and family. We are going to counseling, being honest with each other, and spending time together as a couple. I want my marriage to work. How do I get these people out of my life. Or how do I stop caring that he is making up all of these lies about me which aren't true. He hates me...which he should. But if he would have just told the truth from the beginning when his wife asked I would have never been put in a position to rat him out. If he would tell his friends to leave us alone, we would have never had that confrontation. His family threated me. Told me not to look at their house, to walk past it, etc. But its ok for them to come by mine apparantly. Anyones advise would be appreciated. I feel like I don't deserve a second chance in life. I really want to be a better person, and I am truely sorry for what I did to my husband, and his wife. Can I live a normal life again?

I broke your post up into paragraphs so it would be easier for everyone to read:

Write a letter of exactly what happened, give it to your husband, and have him give it to his BW. Then you need to move. As long as there is contact with this guy (which there will be because you live next door), you will always be caught in this drama. Move and change your phone number.

I agree with Jim. If you want to save your M, you need to move away from this drama and then start working on your M and recovering what you and your H can together.

you had a physical affair.

you will have to move now.

call the police of they come to your home again.

ClauzW,

First, call the police and file a restraining order against your neighbor.

NExt, do something for me will you (since you won't do it for your H), stop talking to these people. At this point his W knows what happened, she either believes or not. After you stop talking start listening.

In fact come back and reread your first post and explain to me why you do not seem to understand that affair was YOUR FAULT not your H. He was not asked, he did not get a vote, he did not want you to do this, AND you made VOWS that said you would not. What part of this don't you understand?

YOu are so focussed on your neighbor and the guy you had the affair with, that you seem to have forgotten you have a husband that needs help...FROM YOU.

STep 1, read the articles here.

STep 2, realize that you are rewriting history just as OM is doing to his W.

STep 3, learn what love really is. Here's a hint, it is NOT a feeling.

Come here read, ask lots of questions, and focus on what is important (your marriage.)

I look forward to your response.

God Bless,

JL

Hi JL,
Thanks for the honest response. That is what I need to hear. Honestly, I had so much to write that I did not get to say everything. I just kept typing. I fully accept that the affair was my fault. I took 100% ownership of it to my husband the day I came clean to him. I told him the truth about everything even though I knew that it would hurt him. He asked for honesty from me. I told him that I understood if he wanted to leave because I made my bed and now I have to lay in it. He told me that he accepted some responsibility too because of the way he has treated me and ignored me in the past. He admitted that he has not been there for me when I have needed him the past few years. I told him that was no excuse for what I did. I KNOW that I made a mistake and a big one at that. What I want to do though is move forward. I have stopped talking to this guy. Until this past weekend after we got that phone call I hadn't spoken to him since his wife confronted us. I have nothing to say to him- I just get angry that he is telling lies about me and his family is attacking me for stuff that I did not do. What I feel most awful about is that he is still lying to his wife and using me as the guinea pig. He is taking no ownership in the affair at all. And their problems are theirs...I am fully focused on making my marriage work. I know that love is not a feeling- I know that love is commitment, honesty and loyalty. I never felt truly loved by my H because he never showed it to me. He never defended me on anything...even the smallest of things. Until this happened. He stood up for me, defended me and told me that I am his rock. Deep down I know that our marriage can still work because I still love him. I know that I am not the only person to have had an affair and have it end ugly. But I feel like I am the only person being blamed for everything and that everyone keeps judging me and not the OM. I am going to read articles, continue counseling, stop all contact with the OM forever and focus on my H and I. I just want help on forgiving myself and I'm seeking help on this website because we are all here for the same reason. Again, thanks for the response.

CW,

The affair is your fault.

It was your choice. Some of the blame does fall to the OM, sure, but you cannot keep looking to see if he is getting his "fair share of the blame" for his part. Your focus needs to be completely on making restitution to your HUSBAND.

What I keep reading in your posts that stands out to me and bothers me more than anything else is this phrase

"I just want to move on."


That bothers me a lot, CW.

Because as a BS, the one thing that we find very annoying about a Wayward Spouse is when we are told to "move on".

See, your BH might not be ready to move on. And so far, the posts seem to be about YOUR pain, YOUR needs, YOUR wants, YOUR worries, YOUR this and that.

I have not seen any real attention paid to what you should be doing for your BETRAYED HUSBAND.

Where is your restitution, CW? So you apologized, and that is supposed to be it?

See, there is more to fixing the problems in the marriage than

CW has an affair
CW says she is sorry
BH starts meeting CW's needs.


That is NOT how MB works.


Here is how MB works:

CW has an affair.
CW says she is sorry, takes 100% of the blame.
CW writes a NO-CONTACT letter, BH reads and approves it, and sends it to the OM and his BW.
BH exposes the affair to appropriate family members, clergy, and people he feels need to know.
CW and BH evaluate the state of the marriage immediately prior to the affair.
CW and BH BOTH fill out Emotional Needs Questionnaires.
CW evaluates what EN's of BH that she has NOT been meeting, and sets forth meeting them.
BH evaluates what EN's of CW that he has not been meeting, and sets for meeting them.
CW and BH begin a plan to spend 15 hours a week together building quality time together.
CW focuses time on what led her to believe she was entitled to have an affair, and what behaviors she needs to change to ensure that she has appropriate boundaries in place so that this never happens again.
CW gives BH all passwords to emails and computers, and makes anything she may have had private known to BH.
CW ensures that NO TIME is unaccounted for, reports in appropriately, and BH has access to her schedule and all things he feels need for access to.
CW answers any and all questions asked by BH regarding the affair with full details to BH's satisfaction.
CW recognizes that she is undeserving of a second chance, and shows full and appropriate appreciation to BH for his willingness to offer it to her.


I don't see in there where it is all about your BH meeting YOUR needs - do you??????


Right now, you owe HIM.

Get to work. Your BH has done you a great favor, and somehow you think he owes you?

Your mind is still wayward and foggy.

You should be on your knees thanking your BH. Get yourself there, CW.

And BTW, read the material on this website. You need the advice.

SB

One more thing:

You really ought to consider writing a very sincere letter of apology to the OM's wife.


You violated her marriage.

Whether or not she is angry with you is beside the point. You owe her an apology. The fact that her husband is an a$$ is just another slap in the face to her, poor woman.

Send that letter today.

SB

Thank you for letting me know the whole process on how this works. My H already has access to all my passwords, etc. I don't have anything to hide from him. I will write the letter and the letter to the OM's wife. We have already confided with our family about our problems. We are dedicating time to ourselves too. Just so you know SB I am here for help..not to be talked down too. And maybe you weren't doing that...content can be perceived by people differently. I would appreciate any help and guidance that you can give me. I WILL be a better person. And I MUST get out of the WW mindset. I am here because I want to make my marriage work and I am willing to do anything to make that happen.

CW,

I'm not talking down.

Just giving you a 2X4.


Because you are in a WW mindset, and you need one - before your BH figures out that HE has needs, and he gets angry.

Because that is the next thing up on the recovery timeline for him.

See, there are 3 prongs to this recovery gig.

Your timeline.
The marital timeline.
And the betrayed spouse's timeline.

And they are NOT coordinated with each other!

If you are not ready for what to expect in terms of timelines from yourself, you won't know what to do for yourself.

If you don't understand the basic concepts for rebuilding the marriage, the whole thing falls apart.

And if you don't understand the timelines on how the BS recovers, then you won't know what to expect from him next - and you will NOT be prepared to handle his moods and recovery process.


Affair recovery usually unfolds in a fairly predictable pattern, in a fairly predictable timeline.

That's why I keep telling you to read the basic concepts. To familiarize yourself with the terms and the Harley methods - because it will help you to understand what you need to expect from yourself, what your BH will likely be going through, and the methods you should apply to recover your marriage.

The 2X4 is to try to get you to jump into action.

You don't really have a lot of time, CW. Your BH will be entering the "boy am I really pi$$ed off" phase soon. He will realize very quickly that what you did was to betray him, and that right now he is scrambling to pick up the pieces...but soon enough he will be angry. And he will want to know

WHY YOU DID THIS - and trust me - NO ANSWER WILL BE GOOD ENOUGH.

You need to be prepared. You need to have an understanding of what you have done, and why, and you don't have a lot of time.

Because "you didn't meet my needs" will NOT CUT IT.

He will quickly answer you with "Well, what about MY NEEDS????"

And what will you say?

He will say, "I had unmet needs and didn't cheat on you!"

What will you say?


That's why I am pushing you so hard, CW. You have work to do, and the only way you will be able to help him through this is if YOU have done the work.

Get to work.

SB

My husband thinks this is all a joke. He said that he forgives me from the bottom of his heart and that I should believe him and stop focusing on what I did. He said I am a good person who made a mistake. He doesn't want to do the letters, etc. What should I do now? I feel like this needs to be done.

Do the letters anyway.

You need to cut off all contact, and you need to apologize.

You will feel much better with this in writing, and you should probably keep copies of the letters (because this OM's family is very strange).

If you don't deal with the affair the right way, you will end up sweeping it under the rug and you will leave yourself open to do the same thing again - with someone else.

You are vulnerable to an affair. Right now, if you just brush it off and say

oh, it wasnt' anything


What have you done to protect yourself from doing this again?
What did you learn?

Most importantly, what changes have you put into place in your marriage to make it fulfill your needs, and your husband's needs, so that you (and he) are NEVER tempted to do this again?


The answer is - if you brush it under the rug, you have done NOTHING to fix the problem.


And you will be back here, sooner or later, with another affair. Maybe not just an EA.

Many men think of an EA as "not that bad", because they don't think of an affair unless it had sex involved.

Tell him that you came close to sex - ask him if that matters to him, and if he wants to prevent that from happening again.

He needs to. Because to walk away from this now, means he will be back here too, wondering what happened and why his wife had an affair on him...........and why he didn't do something earlier.

We have plenty of those stories here, too.

Too many.

In fact, remember the poster on the other thread? Confused in Florida?

That IS her story, CW.

Maybe you should tell your husband that?

SB

I will do the letters. I have to apologize and promise my husband and myself that this will never happen again.
I am going to try and convince my husband that we can do this and it is not a joke. What I did was wrong and you are right- he has not hit that anger stage yet. I want to be prepard when it comes.
I don't want to brush this under the rug. I want my marriage to be stronger than it ever was. I'm off to bed right now but I will be back tomorrow. Thank you so much for your advice, 2x4's :), and willingness to help. I

He might think that now but wait till that big old fight happiens and something slips out of his mouth and you go crazy cause HE SAID HE FORGAVE YOU. When in reality that man is probally hurting deep down. *another story to get to later* But like I said in the other post SB is a great advice giver and lays it out there. Listen to the vets here and take in what they share. YOU will see improvements. Continue to do the NC letter to your neighbor regardless what DH wants in that matter. Its called closure *to a point* to move onto the next hurdle coming your way!

CW,


Your H may think this is all a joke, but someday he is going to wake up and realize you really did cheat on him and he has trust issues.

It is great (for you that he forgives you), but it may not be so great if you take this forgiveness as a pass to not change this marriage. It won't be so great if he forgives you but doesn't work on his part of the marriage and the aftermath of the affair.

SB, gave you a good list. I'll offer you something else for you to really consider as you consider her list. What did you tell yourself that allowed you to violate YOUR boundaries with this affair? You know those vows you made? Yup, those, they were vows that YOU had to keep and enforce not your H. Those were really promises to yourself about your actions from the time of marriage forward. But, violated your vows and somehow you convinced yourself that this was OK. What did you tell yourself?

You promise your H it won't happen again, but you have already promised him once it would NEVER HAPPEN AT ALL.

My point? You need a new perspective on what your boundaries are, and what you are going to do to protect them. You need a new perspective on the assumptions you made to validate your behavior. Those assumptions about your H and his feelings are what is called a disrespectful judgement, DJ. They are the most deadly of love busters and you should read up on it.

You found out that your H loved you. You found out he was willing to fight for you. He didn't just decide to, he was willing if the situation warrented it. You miss judged this man, and the result was your affair.

Your H misjudged you as well, he thought he could trust you. You are both guilty of DJ's. To change this marriage something has to change and I would recommend it be your perspective on marriage. This site if full of information on relationships, learn it and your perspective will change. You don't need to change, but your perspective surely does.

There is much more to say, but the path of recovery starts with self-evaluation. It starts by asking yourself the hard questions about yourself. It starts with you realizing, there was more to your marriage than you seemed to think at the time.

Finally, the OM is a liar and a cheat and somehow you want to correct that by making him tell the truth???? His own W cannot do that. He is going to continue to lie and cheat because he is being enabled to by those close to him.

Stay away from them and focus on your marriage and your H.

God Bless,

JL

PS: There is an old saying "if you argue with an idiot, you soon sound like one." Stop talking to these people.

terrible, terrible, awful t/j but JL, I'd LOVE you to talk to Fatty end t/j

clauzwife
I am a husband of a wife who is having an EA and she is telling me it is just "friendship". You are getting some good advice here. You are spot on for wanting to do the NC letter and following the process recommended here. Whether he says it or not a mans pride is affected. He is being kind by trying to let you off the hook as he probably sees how guilty you feel. That guilt is your protection. You need to appease that guilt, and by following the recommended steps you will do two things, 1 - You will demonstrate tangibly to your husband you respect your relationship together and you are repentant (this places value on you being a couple) 2 - This will help you address the guilt you feel as you take tangible steps to restore your relationship.

Seeing my wife have an EA with our neighbour has been one of the hardest things I have had to endure. I too felt it was "no big deal" until I got the big wake up call. Thanks to this forum I have been able to start getting my act together. It sounds (luckily for your marriage) that your husband did not get to the "hey wait a minute what the h*** is going on here????" stage.

Do yourself a favour and follow these guys advice. This is an investment in your future. I am only hoping my wife will see the light of day like you have and work on restoring our tattered marriage.

You've been getting spectacular advice here.
Read it over and over.

The only thing I think I can contribute now is:
1 - Have you looked into getting a restraining order against OM and OMW?
2 - Have you and your H talked about moving? If so, how is that going and if not, why not?
3 - Change your home phone number to an unlisted number.

Everyone's advise is so great. I have read this thread probably 50 times already and everytime I keep learning. My perspective on my marriage does have to change. I broke vows that I made to my husband, family and god. Even if he doesn't want to do the letters I will do them myself. We are both 100% committed to making this marriage work on honesty. As far as moving, we have decided in the short term to not do anything. We live less than 1 mile from where we work and our daycare. Financially, we are not able to afford it right now but we are planning on it in the near future. We just need to set some money aside. Thanks everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!