Oh yeah! I forgot she fed you some BS story about going out of town with her roommate, but "suddenly" became ill. She's got the whole place to herself for the weekend, he came down for the weekend and he was alone with your wife, and he slept on the couch! And she is a married woman geographically seperated from her husband, what would she need a box of condoms for? Plus, all the suggestive e-mails prior to the trip describing what they are going to do to each other when they finally get together. How stupid does she think you are, Dude? I would call the OM and say, " What gave you the right to come to Texas and sleep with my wife?" then see what he has to say about that! You might get your answer cause she's only going to confirm what you can prove.

Hiya BH:

Welcome to Texas.

Polygraph. I had cause to check out one in Dallas who told me 85% of appointments are never done because the spouse will confess.

She boffed him without a condom. I would bet money on it. Have her go get STD testing up to and including HPV virus and clamidia. Don't do the deed with her until she is tested unless you already have, in which case go get tested yourself.

He is single. Something like a very high percentage of singles have one or more STDs including herpes, which is almost epidemic in the number of cases.

With all the pressure you put on her, she must think you are a doormat to do what she did in the face of that, then after she has had her thrill with the younger guy, attempt to manipulate you back into her clutches. I dated a poison pill just like that at one point in time. I was infatuated with her. On the other hand, I wasn't married to her, so the infatuation was easy to cure. I then learned why she was divorced; couldn't keep her panties on.

I decided that fixing her on my emotional dime wasn't worth it. Guess you could say I jumped from the frying pan into the fire because I then married my current wife, who put horns on my head five years into our marriage. I then learned that at least half the guys I saw on the street were cockolds.

*sigh*

Anyway, my smeller tells me that not only is your wife being disrespectful with what she did, she is compounding it by lying her face off and sucking up, most likely for financial reasons. It looks as if the fling was for entitlement reasons instead of infatuation. That is really, really BAD as a prognosis for the future of your relationship. A female who slides into an affair for emotional reasons can be fixed with a whole lot of pain and effort. One who does it because they can is poison, toxic, to be avoided at all cost.

Larry

It's a little hard to tell you what to do. I think we sometimes hang in there in a situation that is pretty clear cut just out of the pride of "hearing the truth for ourselves" than for just getting out of a messed up situation.

You have no kids with this woman. You're young. She's disrespected you in the worst way a spouse can disrespect and betray another.

The box of condoms speaks volumes of her intent.

Unless that's some sort of birth control you guys use, it had no place in her house unless she was planning on breaking them out with the OM.

Now you can't really expect her to be honest with you if you hold this ultimatum over her head that if she tells you she had sex that you'll divorce her and expect her to be honest with you if they did do something. There's no incentive for her to be honest.

A different approach would be to tell her that you have no guarantees on what you'll do but you do know that if you continue to believe that something happened and that she's hiding things that you will never move forward and forgive. She needs to come clean and you will then decide for yourself what you'll do but you can't promise forgiveness. What you do know is that not knowing and not hearing the truth will eat at you forever and will lead to the destruction of your marriage.

I still think you're young and should bail and learn from this and find another woman with morals.

But if you're willing to giver her a chance, then drop the ultimatums. You won't get the truth out of her otherwise unless the ultimatum is that she come clean or you'll leave. THAT is the way to guarantee you'll leave. The truth shouldn't be.

You're not a dumb man. Yes, the closed box of condoms is a good sign. But that doesn't mean anything.

Good advice.


Better advice.

Polygraph. Either she takes it, or you're out of her life forever. What have you got to lose?

Please don't be taking the attitude that you need to get back together with her. You don't. You're trying to reconcile with a proven liar, cheat, and sneak. Do you deserve that?

If you must, just stay friends for now. Do the counseling, but skip all else for several months. And polygraph. Otherwise, you'll never feel safe again.

Didn't you say that when you were there visiting (the weekend the OM was originally planning 2 fly down), that you stayed elsewhere? I could be wrong, don't remember.

The OM stayed there because they planned 2 have sex.

Your WW's roommate is an enabler, big time. Your W needs 2 move out, or toss the roommate out.

Still, I can't figure out why you're still trying, but it's your life and your lesson 2 learn.

-ol' 2long

Any updates on your situation?

Wife has been nice, and is trying to do things to meet my needs. She is different... But, I don't know if it's just sucking up to keep me around. She has been more affectionate towards me, and for the first time in a long time, she said she is looking forward to having sex with me again (more on that later). She feels that being here has made her happier than she's been in years, and that she feels more "liberated" sexually... I supposed it COULD mean that OM got her hormones all worked up too. I honestly don't know what to think...

I have not been paying any of her bills. She has been responsible for all of her "stuff" since I found out OM came to visit. She may be sucking up to get her financial needs met (I'm not paying for her stuff, but she has let me piggyback on her gym membership so I can save money - she thinks it's a pretty crappy situation for her, she's helping me, and I'm not helping her by paying some of her bills). Either way, she is getting a healthy dose of "single and broke" right now. I do take her out to eat and to see movies, but that's been the extent of my financial support.

I have brought up the subject of taking a polygraph... I first brought it up after I found out. I mentioned it, and she said she'd take one, but I feel as though she thought I was bluffing. She said she'd take one, but that it was "inadmissible" in court. I told her it wasn't for the court's use. It was admissible in my judgement of her actions. That's all I needed. I brought it up again the other day. She probably still thinks I am bluffing. And continues to say it's pointless to take one, because the courts don't recognize them (she's in law enforcement remember) and therefore, they're not worth taking. To me, it's a way to sidestep the situation for her. I told her if she doesn't have anything to hide, it's not a big deal. She doesn't want to talk about any of it until we get to counseling. I will also bring it up in counseling. (We go to our first session with a MB therapist on Saturday).

We discussed things for a bit the other night, and she says that she has answered all questions I've had about OM truthfully and openly... She said that I only keep bringing it up (it's been brought up twice) because I want her to say what I want to hear (i.e. she thinks I want to hear that she slept with OM - I only want to hear the truth, but can't believe anything she says at this point about the situation). We decided that it's best to have someone guide us through the discussion (i.e. counselor). I told her that she needs to be open (i.e. passwords, surprise searches, etc) with me, and completely honest (i.e. polygraph) in order for me to heal. She says she doesn't want to fee like a prisoner, and subject to her lack of privacy (she still doesn't get it, even though she's been reading HNHN).

The thing about the condoms is that I don't know when she bought them. It's not necessarily an intent to have sex with OM just because she has them. Yes, it's and interesting discovery, but not a tell tale sign. We do use condoms, if we didn't I'd be higly suspicious (even more so than I am now). She can't take birth control, because she has a blood clotting issue... Her doctors told her she can't take it. I doubt that if she did sleep with OM, that she didn't use a condom. Yes, the chance is there that OM brought his own bag of goodies, and that's why the box wasn't opened. But, she very well could have bought them before my arrival as well. She hasn't mentioned having any. I'll never know for sure (unless it's a question on the polygraph). I haven't brought up the condom discovery to her, since I don't want her to know I've been snooping in her room (haven't found anything else worth noting).

The ironic thing is that when I got down here, I was having some urinary issues. I was having some burning sensations when going... I told her about it, and she said she wasn't having sex with me until it is cleared up. I went to the doctor, and he wanted to know if I was involved with anyone other than my wife, or if I suspected her of being involved with someone else. I told him the whole story (we haven't had sex since before she left to come down here - so since before OM was visiting.). They tested me for STDs, and all test came out negative. The doctor thought I had an infection of some kind, and now wife doesn't want anything to do with me sexually until we know what's going on. It turns out, I had a bladder stone. I passed it the other day, but still have an appt. with a urologist just to make sure (no more burning symptoms otherwise).

Anyway, we'll see how our first counseling session goes... The only thing I really want to talk about (because if we can't get past it, it's over anyway) is OM's visit, and what things they said/did with each other while he was here, what kind of stuff they talked about before his visit, and what was said that made him take her off his MySpace friends list, and why he's off her MySpace friend's list, and why they now no longer talk to each other, and how the relationship ended. Yeah, she probably has lots of other ideas what will be discussed in counseling, but I guess that is up to the therapist to decide what we talk about. I can only assume the first visit will be introductory, and we won't even get to those issues yet.

Wow, it seems she more concerned about what you may find out what's going to be the outcome of the poligraph and your intentions are about how you're going to use that information. Therefore, it leaves me to believe that there is something she hiding. I'm with everyone else. Set up an appointment to have it done. I think once you have the appointment, she'll try to bow out because she's already trying to justify not taking one because "it's pointless and admissible". Tell her it might be a waste of money if she has nothing to hide but, it's for your peace-of-mind. When do you start counseling? Research the Poligraph immediately!!! Once you tell her the appointment date, watch her sweat.

Be careful of your betrayed spouse justifications and stick to your core values. Since she has agreed, grudgingly, to a polygraph, then set up an appointment. The outcome will be interesting and revealing of your forward path.

That way, you can plan based on what you know rather than what you guess.

Larry

How did counseling go? Have you set up a polygraph yet?

Hey Dude! You still there?