My wife and I have been married for a year and a half now, after having been together for the past 7 years.

I recently (3 weeks ago) discovered that my wife was having an EA with her boss. It had been going on for about 2 weeks when I discovered it. She admitted to it and asked me for some time to decide what to do about the situation, as she was unsure of her feelings. I have tried following Dr Harley's Plan A approach and I am trying to meet her all of her emotional needs.

My problem is this: Although her boss is likely to resign fairly soon (for other reasons) I know that she is still contacting him regularly via e-mail and sms, although she told me a few days ago that they would stop seeing each other and focus on their respective marriages. I have found messages on her phone from him. She is extremely secretive about her cellphone and never lets it leave her hand or pocket. It is literally eating me up inside - after I had initially felt that her promise to me (that we would work on our marriage) was the start of our recovery phase.

Our most significant marital issue is sex. We do not at this stage have a healty sex life and, although we have identified this as a problem, there is a lot of anxiety and pressure from both sides. I have read Dr H's advice on the topic and I am trying to follow it, but I am not sure how successful this will be in light of the ongoing EA. I do not think that she is engaging in a SA with the OM at this stage, although I am afraid that it could in the near future.

She has also told me that she is unsure of her feelings for me. Although she has a deep love for me as a dear friend, she is not sure whether she loves me as a lover. She has told me that these feelings were present before the OM was in the picture, and that he has merely highlighted the issue.

My questions are:

- Do I at this stage need to ask her to stop all contact with the OM, or should I persist with Plan A even harder without talking to her about the ongoing EA?

- Should the sex issue be put on the backburner while I continue with plan A?

- Will plan A assist her in deciding whether she actually loves me in the marital sense?

Please help - any comments or questions would be appreciated

V

Hello Viking,
Welcome to Marriage Builders.

So, the OM is married. Have you exposed this EA to OM's BW? She has a right to know what is going on in her marriage and it will help you to expose the EA to her. She will then keep OM occupied with issues regarding their marriage and will help your relationship with your WW because she will be keeping track of her husband (OM) so that he will have less opportunity to contact your WW.

Also, you mention that this OM is your wife's boss? Take advantage of that fact while he still has a job at your wife's company by exposing the EA to your wife's Human Resource Director and Executive Director of the Corp. You can write to them and let them know that there is an inappropriate relationship going on between your wife and her boss. You can state that he is contacting her outside of work hours about issues that are not work related and that you want this contact to cease.

There are other exposure targets like your wife's family and your friends. In these instances you would explain to them that your wife has developed an inappropriate relationship with her boss and that you want her to stop calling him and seeing him so that you can work on your marriage. Enlist their assistance in helping you to get your marriage back on track. Remember, you are exposing the EA so that you can get help and support in saving your marriage. You are also exposing the EA so that you can lift the secrecy from the EA. Shedding the light of day on this EA helps to take away the excitement and drama from the relationship and expose it for what it is: a tawdry betrayal of two marriages.

Do you have children?

Right now, she has two men meeting her emotional needs. You need to stand up for your marriage by exposing this EA that she has actually confessed to you exists! Be strong and calm, but firm. She needs this dose of reality and you need to be a Man by standing up for your marriage.

You could also contact this POS OM and ask him what are his intentions with your wife?

You need to get together an exposure plan today. Your marriage does not stand a chance while all of this contact with OM is going on. You are perceived as weak by your wife as long as you stand for all of this cr@p. She will be angry about the exposure, but your marriage can heal from her anger. Your marriage cannot heal as long as contact continues.

Keep posting about your plan for exposure, but get that plan together this minute.

You can let her know that her contact with OM is destructive to your marriage and that the two of you will not be able to re-build your marriage as long as OM is in the picture. You cannot force her to stop contact with OM. But you can take action through an Exposure Plan.

Keep up a good Plan A while you are implementing your Exposure Plan. When she comes to you in anger and says that "now we are really through because you told XYZ about my EA" you can say, "i'm just doing what I need to do to fight for my marriage" or you can say, "why?, are you ashamed of this EA?, I thought you would not care if XYZ knew about this new relationship of yours"

Plan A will not help you as long as you allow her to continue in the EA with no exposure. As long as she can keep up with this contact in secret, she will remain in EA fog. You are letting her continue the EA, by your lack of action and you are actually giving her YOUR APPROVAL to continue the EA.

((Viking)) So sorry you are here.

Please listen to Lake. She is giving you great advice.

Your WW will be "confused" and unable to re-commit herself to your M while there is contact. Exposure is your best tool to bust up the A at this point.

The knee-jerk reaction of the BS is to "talk" their spouse out of their wayward behavior. It doesn't work.

There are two good threads in the JFO Forum at the top, one is for the Newly Betrayed Spouse and the second is a Quick Start guide. Follow the info just as if you had found out your WW was having a PA.

Hang in there.

Dear Lake and thisbitterpill

Thanks for the advice - I understand the need for the Exposure Plan now and that the contact with the OM must cease.

I fear that the continuing contact is what is affecting our physical relationship and that it is not as simple as her saying 'I do not love you anymore' or 'I only love you as a friend.'

I must tell her that all contact should cease and work on my exposure plan - then only can plan A hope to succeed (failing which, plan B - although I pray to God that it does not amount to it)

I look forward to further assistance

Thanks

V

It's good that you're here. This is a good place to get support and excellent advice.

We can't emphasize to you enough the importance of exposure. Exposure is the beginning of the end of most affairs.

You'll deal with a very angry wife when you expose. She'll say that you're ruining her rep (she's doing this just fine on her own) and that you just ruined any chance of recovering your marriage.

She'll say that she can't trust you (just laugh at that one).

She'll say that it was none of the other people's business (again, if the OM's wife contacted you that her H was having an affiar with your W, how would you feel?)

Exposing at work is big too.

Here's the thing: When someone is having an emotional affair and the angry spouse comes out and says, "Hey, quit talking to my wife!" it catches his attention and gets him to say to himself, "This potato is too hot. I'm outta here and dropping this!"

He'll likely scurry away, thinking, "Gee, this isn't worth the heartache and pain with work and with my wife."

Your WW will be furious and blame you for ruining the love of her life, etc.

We warn you because betrayed husbands usually react with fear when the WW gets mad. They usually come back to the forums with tales of, "I ruined it! I exposed and she's mad as hell and we have no chance now!"

We've seen it before. It's nothing new and as predictable as the fact that lightning will strike the earth sometime today.

Just keep the faith that those on these forums speak from the toughest school of all, which is experience.

We're in your corner and rooting for you.

Dear Friends

I confronted my wife last night about her ongoing EA.

All of your posts were spot on. She was angry at first, and took the view that NC with OM would not save our marriage and the problems we face are bigger than this EA (which I do not believe).

Later she became very sad and depressed and cried. I told her that the only way for us to attempt recovery of our marriage is through NC.

The OM'W is now also aware of the situation - I assume that the OM told her last night. How should my exposure plan continue from that point of view?

She has again raised doubts about her true feelings for me. She has said that she is not sure whether she ever felt real affection and a need for physical closeness with me over the past 7 years. I am struggling with this, as I really love my wife, but the idea that she has never really loved me as her husband/lover is killing me at this stage. I would like any guidance that anyone may have.

I am praying intensely for the right answers and I hope to report some positive feedback soon.

V

The I never loved you theme seems so standard with ws affairs. I lost that loving feeling is a good tie in for first place. I think if she stops talking with the om then you will find that she is much more able to be YOUR wife and not his squeeze. I warnyou though most EAs that are that intense are PAs and they will LIE even if you have photographic evidence!

This is typical WW talk.

"Never ever loved you" is just the most common.
"Never been happy"

And soon she'll tell you it's all your fault, bla bla bla

Antd the OP never has anything to do with their current behaviour and feeelings, lol


Don't believe anything your WW tells you right now.

Thanks for the advice

I have another question (seems like all I have these days are questions):

My WW has told me that she feels pressurized to make the 'right choice' (i.e. staying in the marriage) because of all the people that will judge/criticize her and all the lives that she will damage. So what it means is that she will choose me because it is the 'right thing to do' while she feels that she may be better off/happier with the OM (which I refuse to believe)?

Do these feelings sound normal for a WW caught in the mist? I do not want her to commit to the marriage but stay resentful towards me/her family/life in general for the burden that she now has to bear - I want her to stay because she wants to and loves me. Would I, by focusing on her emotional needs and avoiding all LB's, address this problem?

Your help so far has been most valuable - it is amazing how the insecurities that I feel are felt by so many who are struggling throught the same thing.

All comments are deeply appreciated

V

Well it really doesn't matter WHY she makes the right choice at this point. It would be nice if she chose you and pledged her undying love and the violins started playing but that is neither realistic or necessary.

She's back is what matters.


Your wife as nurtured a fantasy of a life with this loser so her feelings right now are understandable. She has to withdraw from him. Plan A - what you have described above is the righ way to handle this. It will be up and down, just like her emotions.

You are right Kahuna

I should focus on what is necessary and focus on keeping Plan A on track.

I will post progress on my exposure plan and Plan A as soon as possible.

Regards

V

Sounds like you read the materials at the top of the "just found out" forum. That is very good that you are well versed in the concepts. Remember to keep up plan A, but remember the need to establish "no contact". Your wife has apparently "said" she will implement "no contact", but talk is cheap. She is still deep in the wayward fog and views this slimebucket cheating OM as a good guy that she is giving up for you....ack! But this is typical at this point.

What is the plan to implement "no contact?" Do they still work together? Is he on his way out of the co.?

Also, don't forget about OM's wife...how do you know she knows? Who told you that? It is best that you talk to her yourself..in fact it is necessary that you talk to her yourself.

Don't worry about your wife's fog. If you and she can implement no contact, if OM's wife is told so that she can keep track of him, and if you and your wife implement the concepts on this board, she can build love for you again.

Remember though, from reading your thread, she has only talked "no contact". That does not mean much yet for true "no contact".

Exposure is implemented only to obtain "no contact". It is the sole purpose of exposure. This is what you need to decide. So far, you have not really exposed to anyone have you? If I recall the thread correctly, so far, there has only been "talk" to your wife. Let us know who you have actually exposed this affair to and how you exposed.

Dear Friends

Well, I did it. I exposed the EA to the OM's Wife yesterday. She confronted him with it last night and he contacted my wife to let her know.

Just as you described in previous posts, my WW was incredibly angry. Amongst other things, this is what I got:

- It was not my business to let the OM's W know, if she needed to find out, she would.

- I am weak because I need another person to help me fight my own battles.

- The OM was going to let her know at a more appropriate time and I should have given him the opportunity.

- I have done more harm than good because I have now damaged the OM's W and hurt her.

- I have placed our marital relationship back by many years

She is deeply upset and now declares that she is even unsure of what she feels for me as a friend, not no mention a husband.

I feel that I did what was necessary. THe OM'W surely deserves to know what is going on, and there is no way for the fog to lift or NC to be maintained if I have no assurance that the OM is working on his own marriage.

Regardless of the fact that I think I acted correctly, I am now being saddled with the guilt of "ruining another marriage," which I feel is unfair. I am now being blamed for being weak, spiteful and insensitive (funny how I am now the evil one in this whole affair).

Please give me your insights and comments, and keep praying. I have found immense strength through reading these posts, but my marriage now feels more vulnerable than ever.

Viking

Of course she is going to say these things, it seems to be a rather typical wayward outburst when exposure occurs. I'm sorry that you had to hear them and I know exactly how it makes you feel.

Good luck to you and I will pray for you. I'll also let the others, who know way more than myself, give you advice. But, know that people are on your side and thinking of you.

Just tell her 'thats nice, dear, would you like a potato chip?" Don't argue with a falling down drunk, viking, and don't worry about the rantings of an addict who just lost their crack pipe. Her story will change completely once you separate her from the OM and she sobers up, so don't even give the angry rantings of a frustrated addict another thought. Just don't let it get to you!

Your goal now is to get this affair broken up, even if that means she has to leave that job. Will she leave the job? Will she agree to never see or speak to the OM again? That is the only hope for your marriage. If she tries to bargain with you about continued contact ["business contact only!"] you must decline. That would be like a "recovering alcoholic" changing the name of his drinks to "workplace drinks" and expecting to get sober. Ain't going to happen. Recovery is impossible until ALL contact ends.

Just keep this in mind and be sure and stay firm in your resolve about her ending ALL CONTACT. People who ignore this warning end up dealing with 5 and 10 year affairs.

Will she leave this job and end her affair?

p.s. I would also suggest paying a visit to OM to shake him up a bit. Be calm, be firm and ask him what his intentions are with your wife. [leave your pistol in the car]

Might be a good idea to pay him this visit at the workplace where everyone can see, and then dropping by Human Resources on your way out to inform them of his workplace adultery. Since the workplace can be legally liable for workplace sexual exploitations, they have every right to know so they can protect themselves.

Everything she said is fog babble and very typical. Don't take it seriously and don't bother trying to respond with logic or reason. Don't feel guilty.

I think you did a really good job. I am new to this at D day plus three months. But, as all the advice is here, I believe exposure is the only way to go. Tell everyone who can help you. I found out last Sat that my WH had contact with OW at work to "say good-bye". I was on the phone with her BH in a New York minute. Lots of arguing between WH and me (called him a gaslighting POS -he came to MB to see what gaslighting was and ended up setting up a profile) turned to really good discusstion with my WH afterwards and he wrote a very good NC letter.

I think the key thing to remember is that people in the affair want to keep it secret so they can continue the addiction and people who want to end affairs hold them up to the day-light, where they cannot exist. I told OW's BH that he probably would not hear from me again (we are moving to another state) unless I had evidence of contact. He promised to do the same for me.

The fog is really tough to get through. Hang in there.

Standard WW nonsense is all she is giving you. Her excuses/reasons are so flawed they are not worth responding to.

Text book exposure case. Everything is going well. You have made it hard for OM to keep seeing your WW.