hi, i'm new at this blogging and to the MB website. i found out last year (May '07) that my H was having an A. it has taken me this long to be able to even think about learning about what an A really is. i wasn't interested in hearing about his 'fantasy.' we have been on such a roller coaster this past year. no contact was established last august but i just found in May '08 that it had been broken since last october. in spite of my asking several times if contact was broken, the answer was always no. because i totally trusted my H before, naturally, i believed him when he told me no. no contact was established again this May by her (she seemingly was always the one to do this). my H was just a yo-yo to her and she was on-again/off-again several times. my H has told me 'everything'now. he said he knew if our relationship was really ever going to work that he knew he would have to tell me everything. naturally i was heart broken again to find out about all the secret meetings and conversations (email, phone, text). it was certainly the emotional A that my H can't seem to shake now....all those little endorphins!!! darn them anyway.
here's what i'm really struggling with. i have seemingly been able to forgive my H for what he has done - - but boy is our family ripped apart!! what i really dont't get is why can't my H just get over it already???!!! 'She' has told him there is no future for them and that what they had didn't do for her what it did for him.... so what's the hold on him? in the past she has contacted him after breaking if off time and time again after only a couple weeks. they have not spoken or seen each other for a couple months now and she recently moved away (out of state).
my H has made a some changes (finally) that i have asked him to do: 1) changed his cell number, 2) closed an email acct they used to communicate and 3) he took out all the country music cd's from his truck that he bought with 'their' songs on it.. it saddens me that he could have found so many so called 'love' songs for her in such a short amount of time.....quite a long list!
he knows her phone number and email address and she knows his work number and work email address. he still listens to country music typically when i'm not in the truck (or when he's at work). although it bugs me that he does this (cause i feel it's to still hang on to her), at the same time there are a few songs that he emails me and tells me to tune the radio in... my fear is that she will get 'longely' and call him even after she assured me she would not... for the most part i don't think about her......except when she texts me....but that's only occasionally. she had told me that she would text me if their paths ever crossed, etc...this happened only a few times but now that she lives out of state we don't really have to worry about that anymore.
my H indicated in a letter to me that he regrets the road he went down and that he wants our relationship to work more than anything 'this time'.... so why can't he get over her???!!! he goes through mood swings, although they are becoming less and less. the biggest thing is that he can't/won't allow himself to be intimate with me... don't get me wrong, we've had sex but for the most part he doesn't participate....he's just the body for me to use i guess.... very disappointing and rejecting!! my personal opinion is that he won't allow himself to be intimate with me because if he does then he's letting her finally go completely....he somewhat admitted this today at lunch.
i feel i could go on and on, but i've vented enough i guess. i would appreciate any comments or suggestions any of you have. it's been hard for me to read some of the blogs but i have learned a great deal in just a couple of months from what some of you have said.....for instance, that the A is an addiction. it finally clicked with me that that's what it is...it's a disease.... i tell my husband i am here for him and will support him totally on our road through recovery. i just feel he wants to continue to wallow in his self pity sometimes..... a lot of why's i guess i don't understand.
i guess i should mention that my husband is actually the one that found this website last year and has been on it probbaly every single day since... sometimes i think he reads it too much and uses it to figure out what he can get away with. like i said before, i totally trusted him and i find myself wanting to be able to completely trust him again....he tells me i probably shouldn't trust him completely (at least for now as he doesn't trust himself),
well, it's late, i have to work tomorrow, i'm overly exhausted and i've probably gone on long enough. i hope to gain insight from all of you who care about others going through the same horrific ordeal that you have been through or are farther along in the process.... 'process'.... i have come to not like that word.... what is the process? my H continually says 'it's just a process'..... well get over the process already.....
i know i sound angry sometimes, i don't think i really am. i am more hurt and very sad that i was so unaware that my H was that unhappy in our marriage and that i was oblivious (more than once) to what was really going on!! and now, if he can't get over this and he ends up walking out on me, i've lost the ultimate fight....for my marriage. i might mention we are both christians but he is struggling with the whole forgiveness thing and is mad at both God and me. i pray all the time for him and me and our marriage and our family. the evil one has sure got a grip on my husband and i'm fighting for his life for him! i am grateful to be on the side of the greatest healer of all....Jesus Christ who is my Lord and Savior...i'll be happy when my H chooses to accept the unconditional love and forgiveness that waits to free him from his bondage.
thank you for bearing with me....my first time to blog. and thanks in advance for all the advice i'm sure to get.

2b1again
------
me 44; H 43
married 23 years in july (7/27/85)
3 kids (20/18/14)
D-day 05/20/07
NC broken several times since 10/07.
NC re-established 2nd time 5/25/08

2b1:

Welcome to MB, and we're sorry for your circumstances that have brought you here.

I feel your frustration. My W had told me, at last count, 5 times that she had broken off from OM. Likewise, they both know they have no future together, yet W was still willing to risk divorce just to sneak in another phone call. OM had actually broken off their PA when he realized W wasn't leaving me, and he didn't want to be just her f_ck buddy. But, W called and convinced him they could still be 'friends', and so an EA continued on, all the while W telling me it was over.

You're right, this type of A is an addiction. I've discussed infatuations at length on this board. The only cure I can see, IMHO, is going cold turkey and staying on the wagon. Each time S contacts OP, its like a drunk falling off the wagon, and they resume their addiction. They also have to go through a withdrawal, in which they get over the former lover. During the withdrawal, WS usually exhibits anger (at BS), depression, anxiety and mood swings, as you described. But, establishing NC and going through withdrawal is important for reconciliation. Until then, they remain under the influence of their addiction, also referred to as 'in the fog'. While in the fog, it acts as a filter - all the affection and other love deposits you give WS are filtered out, and have little effect on their feelings toward you, while any cute or affectionate thing OP may do has a magnified and enhanced affect on WS's feeling towards OP.

As best I can tell, my W has had NC for about 6 weeks, except for one call that got through 3 weeks ago. But, this NC has been maintained only because I've cut off all easy access to OM. (I now get listings of all calls she can make, both on her cell phone and our home's land line phone). Yet, she still keeps making excuses for ways to re-contact OM, such as, "I miss our church and all the nice people there" (Yea, especially one), and "I want our old phone line back - many friends don't know our new number" (Yea, including one 'friend', and if I go back, I'll have no way of knowing who and how often you call your 'friend'. For your other friends, why don't you just call them and give them the new number?). The fog is slow to lift.

Hang in there - you have my best wishes.

thanks Galoot ~
it has been the most trying year by far! i am trying to be patient with my H but at the same time i feel like i am the one doing a lot the work to try to get our relationship back to where it should be (and better) and he's still stuck in A mode and i'm the bad guy.. :-( i know he's doing things too (such as this website and the other changes he's made recently). he's taking baby steps...and each day he's a little bit farther along....but boy is it most difficult. i did not get to the place he did with our marriage so it's been harder for me to just want to throw it away. i don't. i want nothing more than our marriage to be better than it was... i just wonder how long before he has those same thoughts and desires...
i recently asked him to move back home. i moved out 3/29/08 (we were losing our house and needed to move anyway) i just don't want him to become even more comfortable with his selfishness that he's landed himself in right now. he's aware he's this way but doesn't seem to be trying very hard (in my opinion) to get out of it....guess this is the 'fog' he's in.
we both have needs that need to be met and i am more than willing to do that for him, but he doesn't really participate when it comes to meeting my need(s)...and he doesn't pursue me at all... i feel so rejected still.
i don't want to make him out to be a bad guy....he's not - - except that he's done this one really bad thing and can't seem to get over it and i'm the one suffering for it - - and the kids too. one daughter is away at college and wants nothing to do with him and has therefore pretty much cut herself off from me and the other kids and the extended family as well. she has latched on even tighter to her boyfriend and his family....she's home for summer school and i've only seen her twice (4 hours total) and he was with her for three of those hours.... i like the guy but i'm not sure he's the right one for her. he's very controlling (already).... but, you can't tell her that and if i do say anything it will cause her to cling tighter in the other direction and the hopes of our family being put back together seem pretty grim....but, i also know i can't put God in a box right?....
i guess i feel as though we are bumping along in this whole 'process'....there's that word again.. it's like it's a waiting game...ech day is different and the mood is different and i feed off of him at this point....and then he feeds off of me. what a vicious circle...
is there anything else that i should be doing while waiting for the fog to completely lift from my H than to be supportive and by his side as we continue to go to counseling, communicate (we're learning how to really do this), uplift him in prayer, and take one day at a time?...
i've learned much already from the blogs i've been reading but i'm still learning how to do this whole blog thing... i'd like to comment or ask questions for myself on other blogs but my H says they frown on that....it's 'their' blog... i guess the commenting would be ok but not asking questions pertaining to my situation on their space is what i have to be careful of. i guess i'll figure it out.... that's what we're doing while on recovery road...figuring it out.
thanks again for your feed back. and good luck to you too.

Tried to break the story down into readable sections rather than one paragraph and bumping for additional great replies for 2b1again like she got from Galoot.

2b1again, sorry that you are in this situation, but glad you found MB. Lots of great people on here that can help you sort through all of these emotions.

Your WH is in withdrawal. Have you read up on all of Dr. Harley's articles on Infidelity or purchased the Surviving An Affair book?

Thanks onlyU ~
I can see what you've done with my blog and how you've weeded out everything but the main points i guess... i guess i'm used to giving much detail.... i know as i continue to blog i will catch on to the best way to do it.

I am very sad and devastated that my H and I are in this place as well. I can only say that I know God has a plan and for some reason we were supposed to go through this. Some day I hope to be able to help someone else as well. I am looking forward to getting into this blogging and gleaning some real help in being able to deal with my H as he continues through his withdrawal period and for myself as I go through my own 'issues' as they may come up.

one thing i'm a little concerned about is the anger that i keep reading about. i haven't really 'gone off' on my husband and it's been a year. is this something everyone goes through? there have been a couple times last year that the anger came over me and i wanted to throw something through the sliding door. other than that, i haven't really experienced it (yet?)... it makes me a little scared to think what might be ahead.

one other question i have is i've been reading a lot about the recovery period being at least 1 year or as many as 4 or 5 years... ug. when does that year begin? from the time i first found out? from the time contact was actually cut off (which was end of april '08 but one phone call the end of may to officially 'end it' (call made by her)? sometimes i feel my H is just waiting for her to call him again.... i don't know....

i have read some of Harley's articles... will read more. i read the book in the very beginning of all this but not sure i really took it all in.....if any of it. i need to read it again.

i thank you again for helping me.

2b1again

p.s. how do i get my signature to post automatically so i don't have to type it every time?...

Under My Stuff, My Profile, there is a section for you to post your signature line.

I would think that your 2 year (on average) mark starts when you have entered into Recovery (past the withdrawal phase), but I'm not an expert on that.

I do know from experience that with any renewed contact, you are back at ground zero.

You can "blog" as you stated, but if you want help with some real questions, you might want to state them in shorter paragraphs so that posters can see what you are needing help with and respond accordingly.

"Going off" on your WH would be considered a Love Buster (LB) and that is something you definitely don't want to do.

You say you read the book, I would read it again. I would print the EN questionnaire and the LB questionnaire and set up a date with your WH to fill them out.

You can't be in Recovery if you don't have a compass.

good morning..... i had my response written out already and i accidentally did something and it disappeared... ug! so, here goes again...

i must say i was set back a little yesterday to read your response and find that we are possibly not even in recovery... :-( i thought we were. . . and maybe think we are but not sure exactly where we really are in all this.

the mood swings are getting less and less...it's a 'down' mood he gets in...not so much angry anymore, although occasionally he does get angry still.

it is also upseting to know that we start all over every time they have contact! i can only pray that doesn't take place.

with OW having moved out of state and already making friends and actually seeing someone. (pretty pathetic that my H fell for someone that didn't think as much of him (truly) as he did for her.) it was a game for her!

i know he's a gem and i will fight for him all the way through recovery and then to make sure he wants to stay...till death do us part!!

my comment on the 'going off' on my H was just that....a comment of concern that it might still be ahead of us. i don't want to go off on him and i know it is a LB. we have read through part of Harley's LB book but need to finish that as well....so many books to read. I just want him to get over it already.... he is, it's just taking longer than i'd like.

i hope i'm learning to blog better and that my sentences are short and precise. as i go back and re-read, i can see how sometimes i get carried away and will take part of it out of reword it to be shorter... :-)

will get the book (surviving and A) (i had borrowed it) to read again....rather, re-read.... will also print off the EN and LB questionaires to go over with my H.

i hope you have a good weekend. thanks for coaching me on this blog thing. i will get it.... will keep checking for others who might respond and offer encouragement as well. i will browse around in other threads to glean from others as well.

2b1again

i have a question (or two) for anyone who might be able to encourage me....

my H has been having good days as of late...'low' days are getting few and far between now.

today he is having a low day and i can't help but think it's because one of our daughter's has basically disowned him since the A became known to her.

H had to go out of town today for work (about an hour away). he emailed and asked me to uplift him in prayer as he was down and felt like he wanted to just keep driving...

i told him i would uplift him in prayer and our daughter as well. i have to fight for my daughter just as much as i have for my husband.

i know she'll come around....God has a way of getting our attention doesn't He...

my question is this, will my H continue to be in a 'fog' until she actually lets him back in her life? will he be able to move on if she doesn't?

our daughter has wanted me to divorce my husband from the start even though it was an EA at first. (the kids do not know it became a PA). she says i deserve better...and on the bad days i might think i do....actions speak louder than words.

but, i know the real man my husband is and have chosen to forgive and wait for the fog to lift so we can fully get back on track.

i'll admit, it's hard to continue day after day and always be the 'giver', but i know the day is coming that he will in turn be a 'giver' again as well...

i did think there were a couple of instances this weekend that made me think he is trying to reach out to me....

first, i was standing at the kitchen table and he snuck up behind me and pinched my rear end....it startled me cause i certainly wasn't expecting anything like that, but i liked it. :-) i can't be that ugly right.... (i really struggle with my self esteem.)

usually when i walk by him now i try to touch him in some way (brush the top of his head as i walk by, or his arm, or give him a kiss, etc..) this particular time when i walked behind the chair, he reached his arms out for me behind him so i locked arms with him (like the flying trapeze do when they fly through the air and grab onto the one they're flying to) and stood there for a bit.

just a glimmer of hope for some affection some day again.


but, then a commercial came on that played a small clip of two of 'their songs'. i was in the kitchen but could hear it and i immediately asked what they were watching (he and two of our kids)...someone blurted out it was a commercial.

i wanted him to change the channel but he didn't until the second clip started playing... i could feel my insides welling up with emotion. why can't he be sensitive to how i might be feeling... sometimes he is, but sometimes he isn't...

am i being overly sensitive? do i have the right? i know it doesn't help him or me to 'react'.... but i'm not feeling totally 'safe' yet... i'm trying to 'choose my battles' as Dr. Dobson says to do with our kids...

I have grown by leaps and bounds spiritually and have become a pretty strong woman who is fighting for her man. I continue to rebuke satan (daily!). I look forward to the day we can honestly say we are recovered...i do believe we will be.....it just seems like a loooonnnnggg journey to get there...

2B,
I got an email today from onlyucan to see if I could send you some positive vibes after the roller coaster ride I've been on for the past year. My H had an EA, not PA but I've learned that it really does not hurt any less. The fact that the man we love and cherish could give away his heart to an interloper is simply gross. So, where to begin? You can read my story if it helps you to get a little insight as to who/what I'm made of. My saga began last February of 07 when OW's husband left her for another man. My H was her boss and he extended an olive branch. He asked me if there was anything we, as a couple, could do. So, doormat me invited her over for dinner. I knew the minute she walked her dumpy little butt into my house she was gunning for my husband. Naturally, he was oblivious, until her womanly powers took over and he went in head first. My thread is in GQ2 and titled "Can I trust my instincts now?"

So, now we're focusing on you. Is this an EA or a full blown PA? Not to diminish and EA...I'm simply trying to distinguish. The biggest problem I see is that your H has never really gotten closure either time because she has done the NC route for him. So, she puppets him and drags him back into the fold when she is bored. I'm afraid that he could still be vulnerable. But, the longer they remain under real NC, the better it will be for you. Yes, you will feel resentful. Yes, you will have good days and you will have awful days. Apparently, the process to feeling somewhat normal again is 2 years. I know...that sounds like a nutso amount of time. But, imagine how far you have come so far. Can you even imagine that you were strong enough to whether what you have this far? Trust me, you will learn things about yourself that will amaze you. You will find strengths and weaknesses you never knew. Like the country music. It does not matter if Garth Brooks shows up to your house and serenades you...chances are this will always be a trigger. If you succumb to that idea..1/2 the battle. Keep strong. Love the man, even though there will be days when he seems like a stranger. I cut/paste info alot from here and print out for H to read later. Recently I found a posting of what a truely recovered marriage is. I'm going to have to do some digging.

Can anyone remember who wrote that? Onlyucan..was it written to you? I'll look. It may have been Mrs. Wandering...you concentrate on you and I'll look it up for you. Read up so you find some way of figuring out who I am and then you'll move forward. Wait and some of the really great folks will jump on. They are a wealth of knowledge and you'll be lucky to have their help. I'll check back later.
By the way...does your husband read or post?

2B,
Here's the 'recoverd marriage' posting I was looking for. It was from "schoolbus". Pull up the name and read some of her stuff. It's amazingly insightful.

I live in a recovered marriage. It is sort of like being a recovering alcoholic I supposed - it is more of a process as opposed to a finished product.

Our marriage, like all others, is continuously evolving. It was evolving before the affair, and continued to after the affair, and will evolve until one of us dies.

Yours is the same. All marriages are the same in the sense of changing every day, and over time.

It is the very reason that affairs happen, in a sense. Because we live closely together and the changes happen slowly over time, we become enured to some things, unaware of others, used to this or that, ignore little things, enjoy lots of things, and neglect many. Time does that to relationships. We get so that our relationship becomes a pattern of sorts, but over the long term, the patterns ebb and flow, and ultimately even the patterns change. We start seeing things as "the same" or "boring", or "settled". Even though the long term reality is that the patterns are changing - evolving - very, very slowly.

So we can fall into the trap of not meeting the needs of the spouse, actually fall into being "too comfortable" with the other. We take it for granted that the other person is happy or comfortable. Or we get too distant, because our habits and patterns just take us so far out of the life of the other that we become very separate from one another.

That's when affairs become possible, because another person can step in and become able to meet our needs - become part of the life of one or the other, because we are too separated and too needy. The OP fills the gap, or the boredom, or the need for change from the day-to-day sameness.

So what does a "recovered" marriage look like?

We alter that tendency to "sameness". We learn to recognize when we are working into complancency, and we actively do things in our lives and relationship to combat that tendency.

For example, we make sure that we have recreational companionship activities within our lives at intervals sufficient to break up the doldrums. We go fishing, ride motorcycles, go out for dinner, go for a walk with the wolf we own, swim together, build things with wood, or play practical jokes on the neighbors. My FWH actually took dancing lessons - that HE scheduled - and he has always sworn he never wanted to learn to dance. Turns out he enjoyed it.

We make sure to meet the needs for sexual fulfillment, and are sure that both of us are satisified in ways that are mutually enjoyable. We also make sure that variety and excitement is added in to ensure that patterns are avoided.

Needs for conversation are met - and we look to movies and books to share together so that we have things to discuss in depth. We might attend a cooking class together (RC) and then subscribe to a magazine for gourmets and talk about the articles in it, for example.

Take a look at the EN's list, and figure out what you can do for YOUR WIFE that might build her up. I'm sure you can figure it out. It will involve you doing some things you don't like - but you will find that you might actually enjoy doing them because you are doing them with someone you love.


We do things every single day to be sure that we are AWARE of the marriage.

This means you THINK ABOUT BEING MARRIED, and what it means to you. And you do it every day.

In fact, if you had done this before your affair, the affair never would have happened - because your time and emotional investment would have been in your marriage. You build equity in what you invest in. You will be surprised at how your emotions turn around when you start putting your sweat into your marriage, and your effort into your wife's spirit.

We are going out tonight for dinner, probably. I can usually count on a Friday night date with my FWH.

I get to dress up for him, and he always tells me I look beautiful. I believe him when he says that now. Because he means it.

He has invested. He puts credit into my bank every day.

We think about our marriage every single day, and are sure to think about it tomorrow.
That is what it means to be in a recovered marriage.

2B,

You are fighting the good fight. Keep it up. I know it seems unfair that you have to bolster your H when it was his actions that created this mess in the first place. I try to look at it as "saving" my H and my family from the destruction of a wayward spouse...the devil takes many forms.

Try to remember that while you can help your H to lift him up, you also need to ask him to help you too. It's ok for you to tell him that you are having a rough time and that you are feeling sad.

Triggers are very real and they don't have to become a fight. You could have just pulled H aside and said, "I know you didn't do anything to make the songs come on the TV, but I hurt so much when I hear those songs." You don't need to ask him to do anything about it...just let him know how you feel because he won't know unless you do.

One of the hardest things for me to realize is that my H doesn't think about the A much anymore. So things don't trigger him and he doesn't see things that might trigger me unless they are completely blatant. He appreciates me being honest with him when I feel something negative...how would he know unless I tell him.

I think you need to remember that your DD is in protection mode. She wants to keep her mom safe. She doesn't see the inner workings of your relationship with your H and nor should she. YOU are the best judge of what you should do with your H. As your relationship heals on the inside, it will show on the outside. Your DD may need to work on healing with her dad in her own way.

Keep going. You're getting there.

HTM

By the way 2B...
I notice a trend here. It's that golden age of 43/44. I don't mean to generalize, but boy this age is crappy.

I was just trying to go through your posts and see if I can offer some little bit of help for you.

Your posts are so long - I think it scares people away. (My posts are always WAY too long as well)

which got me to thinking - what is it that makes these posts so long?

and I think I have perhaps uncovered something that may help you.

Stop making excuses for your WH! Stop trying to guess what he is feeling. Stop trying to make excuses for his bad behavior. Just stop. give yourself a chance to breathe. And please tell yourself that this IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You did not make your H have an A. That bad choice is his alone. Let him own it all by himself. Stop trying to mother him through it.

when he calls to say "lift me up in prayer" try responding with "Of course I will. Is there anything in particular? What do you think is triggering your down day today?"

if he offers any more info, fine. If not, then for now, just leave it alone. "Ok honey, I will be praying for you,and for a better M for both of us. Gotta run now. talk to you later" and then DO NOT spend the rest of the day picking apart the whole conversation and wondering what every word "really" means.

Get busy reading. There are a lot of great books. His Needs, Her Needs. Surviving an A. Divorce Busters.

Spend more time working on yourself, and your own feelings. Build yourself up to be the best W and Mom you can be. You can not fix him right now. You need to heal yourself first. you have been through a Horrible experience!!! Allow yourself some time to heal.

that is the feeling I have from your posts. I hope I am not compeltely off base.

And one other thing:

I do not agree with you on this. God does not have a reason for your H to have an A, and break his vows. That was not something God wanted you to go through.
BUT, he knows it happened, and he knows what you are going through right now. Satan intends to use this for evil. The Lord can use it for good. allow the Lord to work in you, and build a better life for you. But do not let Satan try to covnince you that your H's infidelity was somehow a plan from God.

You may want to go through the "Purpose Driven Life". if you have not all ready. Great book by Rick Warren. It gives you daily devotions that help you to seek purpose for your life. Towards the end it even talks about how a woman who suffered through her H's A can later be a help to another W going through the same thing.

Is your H living with you now??

I could be wrong but I think the whole "God" aspect might be Catholic? Would I be wrong? My H is not Catholic and whenever I make the statement "I wonder what I did to deserve this" he is astonished at the stupidity of the statement.

Thanks Fiori (and onlyucan) ~

although we have been in this mess for a year now (seems like eternity really), i have only recently in the past two months come to grips that the A really happened to us.

I will read your story and also more on schoolbus. i want to learn how to get through this and i know there is valuable information to be gleaned from those of you who are ahead of me already in the 'process'....

the A was mainly an EA but physical only in a 'make out' sense (sounds like a lot of kissing only). They only had intercourse one time (02/01/08) but the emotional tie continued as she kept him on a string (on again/off again many times). She is not married that we know of.....

on 05/25/08 OW contacted my H (after calling it off yet again) and told him there was no future for them. she even texted me and assured me it was over and that she wouldn't be contacting him anymore. No contact has been made since that day. (lucky me....)

you are right about there not being any closure for my H. he was never really the one that got to that point of wanting it over. he has said to me (and our counselor) that he doesn't trust himself at this point. he's not sure what he would say to her if she actually did contact him.

i'm hoping with him changing his cell number and closing the email acct they used that she will get the hint if she ever did try to contact him again. my fear is, she knows his work info... but, today i am happy for every day that goes by and there is no contact made...

on the point of the country music....i can see that 'how i reacted' is what was wrong (especially in front of the kids). i need to just bite my tongue and let him know later when we're by ourselves that it bothered me that he let it play or whatever... i'm learning all about the disrespectful judgments, etc. it's hard to grasp that when i have never felt or meant to be disrespectful to him in any way.

i am learning to take care of myself....something that has been on the back burner for a very long time. i have lost a lot of weight but am starting to put it back on as i typically am a 'stress' eater.... except after d-day when my body shut down and i wasn't eating at all...

i read a little on the 'goddess' thread and i could see myself there a little bit....no motivation, etc. i've depended on my H for everything for so long and now i'm learning to take care of myself.

he started going to the gym so he could get buff for OW (why didn't he ever want to do that for me?). He still goes.... i know it helps him clear his mind, relieve some stress and just feel good about himself...but sometimes i wonder why.... he is looking good though. didn't think i really liked all the muscles, etc..but i have found that i do. :-) hopefully he'll keep it up mostly for himself....but for me too.

my goal is to get the garage organized and get my rebounder cleaned off so i can put it to better use than as a catch all....

my husband reads only on this website although he has said he hasn't and won't read mine....i want to trust him but he tells me not to.... at this point i don't think he has read but maybe.. as far as i know he does not have his own post - - i have asked and he has told me no....but i've heard that before...

i'm on vacation these next couple of weeks and will be able to spend more time on this site and read up more on you guys. i appreciate the help you guys are giving me in trying to get started blogging...i've learned a lot already.

and yes, as i look back at this reponse....it's a bit long i suppose. i should close it off for now. i do have a couple others to respond to.

i will continue to love my man and keep asking God for daily strength to continue. i'm so exhausted!

thanks fiori....

a recovered marriage is what i truly long for and will fight for!

i'm hanging in there.... thanks.

HTM ~

i am glad to read someone agrees that i am fighting the good fight... for about a year many have said to leave him, he's not worth it, etc. but, i, too, feel i'm 'saving' my H and my family. satan is sure trying to help him self-destruct though. it's like he's lost all knowledge of anything spiritual anymore..or at least any desire for it.

and boy don't i know the devil takes many forms....including that of the OW!! a wolf in sheep's clothes...

i'm learning to deal with the 'triggers' and how to handle 'letting him know' that it bothered me or that i might be having a sad or tough day. i'm not totally there yet. i feel i have to keep it all together for him. and for the most part i am able to but occasionally i do get down. i seem to notice that more when i'm not faithful with my time with God.

my H too has said he doesn't think about her much anymore, etc and i feel if i bring up anything about it that it's gonna take him backwards...not that i want to talk about it..i don't. but there is occasion where something comes up about it. just like the commercial...i begin thinking he's going back just by hearing that trigger...

i'm learning how i react to any given trigger effects how H reacts to me about it...thus the ripple effect of feeding off of each other's emotions... it's getting better though.

we are learning how to communicate with each other even sharing the tough stuff... i would rather discuss it and get it out...he would rather (or always did) clam up...

our counselor told us recently that we are a unique couple in that no one that he's counseled has ever been as open and honest about sharing 'everything' as we have. my husband told me if we were going to have a real shot at making our marriage work that he needed to come clean with everything....and he did. he gave me the 'summarized' version but has given me a sealed envelope with the details of the details in it if i should ever choose to read them.... some days i think i want to.

some days i want to know what it is that they had that he can't let it go....

i keep telling myself that my DD's defense mechanism is to stay away right now. i know she misses her dad but wants to get through college right now. the sad part is, she plays softball for a very prominent school and she won't allow him to go to any of the games anymore.... my H is the reason she and our other daughter, both, got full ride scholarships to their colleges of choice! he's a great coach! i hope some day she'll come to appreciate him again...i think she will.

well, i'm learning to keep my post short....this one is a little better. :-)

thanks!

hi womanoffaith5 ~

i think i better catch on QUICK to making my posts shorter...i'll try it with yours.. lol

i am learning it's really not my fault for the A but i guess i feel if i had been the wife he needed in the first place that we wouldn't be here....thus blaming myself. :-(

i do feel like i'm babying him sometimes... he's so needy and i don't want to make the same mistake of making him feel unwanted or undesirable.... ug.

when he called about praying for him...i know why he was struggling...he had to drive by the road of where he met the OW a time or two to make out... i hate driving in that direction anymore for that reason!! i have an acronym for the name of that road that is not a very nice one...my best friend helped me come up with a better one though...one that pointed me to Christ..

AND, to top it off, he forgot his computer and had to go back home so guess what....he had to drive by the road twice!! for the most part, though, out of sight, out of mind for me...

that's what i think is dangerous for me....if i'm not thinking about it, i think he's not thinking about it either... then why aren't we any farther....someone must be thinking about something! but i do feel my H is very guilt-ridden. his family is in such a mess because of what he's done!! and all because he got wrapped up with someone that thought no more of him than the next drop of the yo-yo....

we've read HNHN but not divorce busters...we're actually in the middle of love busters. i am going to re-read surviving an A.

i have to learn to be a little selfish right now and think about me i know but it's so hard. i just want to do everything right this time, and that means putting him first right...cause evidentally i wasn't doing that before..so he thought.

my work was a big issue for him and now wants me to quit the office...i work part time in the office and then at home as well. i can keep the home part (i make more $$). we'll see by the end of the year if that's what he still wants.

i don't think you are off base at all on your view of the posts....it amazes me how you guys can see all this...is it just a matter of being a few steps ahead of me in this...

and one more thought....thanks for clarifying my thought on why we have gone through this. i don't at all think God wanted us to go through this. God calls us to serve Him....wish it could have been in some other way. i do believe that some day we will be able to help another couple weather through their storm as a result of our having gone through it as well...

satan is very evil and is attacking our families in a big way. My sleeves are rolled up....he's picked a fight with the wrong girl!!!

my husband just moved back in a little over a week ago. he has seemed better and is taking baby steps. we are taking baby steps together...

my post is still long....guess i don't get my 25,000 words in each day....they've been adding up.. LOL

i noticed the trend too....and i think it's a pretty crappy age as well!!

my H reads on this website (he has told me he doesn't post), he printed things off for me to read when i first realized if i want to help save my marriage then i needed to learn how to go about trying to save it..... the biggest thing that i learned that helped me (it finally 'clicked') is, it's addiction he suffers from....a disease. and now we're both learning what steps to take to have an even better marriage than we've ever had and to prevent an A from ever happening again.

i was reading a thread from a WS and i felt there were things in there for both of us..just wondering if it is ever appropriate for me to recommend a particular thread for him to read since he's the one going through all the withdrawals, etc.? especially since he's not having the best of days today.:-( maybe it's just not the right time today... ???

Well, probably if he really peruses the sight, he's simply reading what pertains to him. It might do him some good to get the perspective from your eyes. Many times I've asked my H to put on my shoes and try to feel what he's done to me. It's not very effective, this I realize, but there are fleeting moments of clarity. Apparently there is a video that approx. 30 minutes long for the WS. HTM knows where this is on the sight. My H has not watched it...I'm apprehensive to stir the pot. But, you guys are so early into this, it may give him new perspective.

HTM---where did you get that video link for H to watch??

Ask him to take 1/2 hour and watch. I'll watch it some time today and see. I'll check in later.


You'll be ok, by the way. And, let your daughter have her space. She needs to process her own disappointment. But, as a child of a cheater marriage, it's important that she sees YOU display strength for yourself. She is clay and is very moldable right now. The way she acts in her own marriage or relationships later will be partially learned by watching you. You have a chance here to find your inner strength. I believe both your H and your children will respect you more if you are NOT a doormat.