I've been posting about this issue on the Emotional Needs board for some time and they've recommended I come here.

The link to the posts (rather long) are below but I will give a brief summary of the situation for those of you who don't want to read novels of stuff.

First thread

Second thread

Around last October, I discovered that my H had a secret life. I discovered it while snooping because he was 'acting weird.' I found an email account going back to 2000 and referencing events prior to that. We were married in 1996 and have been together since 1991. I suspect he was doing this even as we were getting married (but I have no proof and he's not talking).

His secret life involved numerous affairs, EA's, PA's with women he met over the internet or in town. He was published on the Adult friendfinder type sites.

Since finding out, of course my life has been in turmoil. It was in turmoil before because I'd started therapy because I have been diagnosed with PTSD stemming from an abusive (physical, emotional, sexual) childhood. Also, at the time, my father had to have serious heart surgery that I had to fly back and attend to.

Meanwhile, in October, he drove to a convention and met up with one of his OW. He also invited one over to our house while I was gone (later explained that he was thinking of me because he didn't want to leave the house).

Fast forwarding a bit - not much happened that I'm aware of in Nov - Dec because I was in a massive suicidal vortex and was literally struggling to stay alive.

I'm more stable now and we're in counseling. I have the same IC that I did before plus I'm seeing a psychiatrist for meds.

He's seeing our MC for IC and then both of us together periodically. The MC recommended that we try to be sensitive to each other's needs - so I started doing more RC and SF (after std tests) with him. He has not done the things I need him to do and continues to have relationships online with new OW's.

Last weekend he was in a chat with a OW and I asked if I could read it. He became furious and said he "minded very much but go ahead if I wanted to" I didn't read it because 1.) I've read through all the emails and stuff, I don't need more of it and 2.) his reaction told me all I really needed to know.

My next assignment per our mc is to confront him. I'm not sure what she means or what to confront about. He knows I know what's going on. The counselor didn't say to set boundaries. What's your take on such a confrontation and what it should mean or how it should go?

Thanks,

Mys

myshae, is there some reason why you wouldn't just confront him with the evidence? Are you in Plan A? Are you following Marriage Builders principles for affairs?

MYS,
since you are in such a vulnerable place, perhaps it is not a good time for a confrontation.
I know it isn't what you would like to hear, but it is evident that staying with this man is literally killing you. IMHO, it is time to take care of you and becoem the whole, complete and mentally healthy woman God intended you to be. It is not healthy for your body or your emotions to continue going through this.
Find a way to take care of yourself before it is oo late.

MEDC

MelodyLane,

That's just it, I did confront him with the evidence when I found out. Now the MC wants me to do it again.

We are going with local counselors that are following similar techniques to MB. I suppose I'm in Plan A at the moment. I would say I am mostly following MB principles. He is NOT.

Mys

Medc

Well, I've all ready confronted him. He doesn't deny he's had affairs.


Thanks, Medc. I want to do that too. I've been working on my self care. It just seems so complicated because we've been together so long it feels like I'd be walking away from my entire LIFE with nothing real to hold on to.

Mys

(((((Myschae)))))

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Before I address you're specific question, I'd like to make a suggestion that is also a request.

Take care of YOU. Please make YOU your highest priority. Higher in priority than your marriage. Your husband's behavior right now indicates that he cannot be trusted to take care of you. And so it's really important that you do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. I quite seriously mean that every decision you make needs to include the question: "What is the best, healthiest option for ME?"

As for your question about how you might confront him: Although you counselor didn't say anything about boundaries, I can't imagine how a confrontation at this time would not be an expression of boundaries. Specifically, I will not remain in a marriage with a partner who engages in XYZ behavior. If the behavior continues, I will leave [or you will have to leave, or whatever fits your situation best].

What little I have read about your situation suggests to me that your H is coping with an addiction of some sort. I don't know a lot about addictions, but I get the impression that some addicts must "hit bottom" before they seriously address their addiction and commit to sobriety. Others NEVER address the addiction and never commit to sobriety -- they just wallow at the bottom. Of course, some do commit to sobriety and embrace a healthier, addiction-free life. But none of us can say which of those categories your husband is in right now, and there's nothing you can do to push him from one category to another. Which brings us back to the main lesson of Alanon: Take care of YOU.

Myschae - this is probably true in that you do seem to define your "entire life" as being L. But that "entire life" has pretty much been dominated by you "wishing" for the sort of man you want and L DOING whatever the heck he feels like doing.

Marriage is "supposed to be" a union of EQUALS, each surrendering THEIR own wants and desires to their spouse whenever those wants and desires are harmful to the marriage and/or hurtful to the spouse.

People "choose" what they do for a lot of "self-rationalized" reasons and for "what they personally believe in."

It would seem that L is doing both, and that they are, and have likely always been, diametrically opposite to what you hold as your own reasons and belief system.

"Confrontation" is what I have been trying to talk with you about on your other thread. It is obvious from your post here that you either don't like the concept of "confronation in love" regarding wrong and sinful behavior or you really don't understand what that concept really means.

BEFORE you engage in any confrontation with your husband, I would suggest that you get a firm understanding of what "confronting in love" means to you, so you WILL be able to confront "in love" rather than from some other perspective.

Mys, so I take it he refuses to participate in a program of recovery? If that is the case, then the next logical step is Plan B. I would suggest letting him know what it will take to recover your marriage and then giving him a choice. He can either go along or not. [you will know by his actions in the next few weeks] If he does not, then you will have his answer.

And if he doesn't, I would quietly prepare for Plan B and then just tell him when you are ready to separate.

The problem, as I see it, mys, is that you have been dealing with this for so long it is wearing you down psychologically. Dr Harley recommends Plan A for 3 to 4 weeks for women. Women have nervous breakdowns and suffer years of PTSD from dealing with this stuff. You are weakening NOW. I would move on this before weaken even more.

Sorry you are in this mess, MYS.

confrontation
what in heavens name would be the point...

for years and years and years and years.this man has chosen and chosen and chosen to use other people outside of marriage to fullfill selfish needs


he reeks havoc on his family
his wife
and even the OP he USES to fullfill his crap...

confrontation...

what exactly is it that you don't know about his choices

what would be the point...

I would

pack his crap in garbage bags on the front lawn
change the locks

take a deep breath and be free free free from his immature nonsense...

have you not had enough...

I wouldn't discuss a thing with him

and be DONE with him...

unless you rattle this tree from the ground completely...

next month year etc it will still be you with an infidel..

myschae...haven't you had ENOUGH yet

ark

agree 100%

I think you have defined exactly what I am confused about. How do you do that?

Mys

Melody Lane,


I would say this is correct. He'll read books or fill out papers but he won't stop his behavior.


I have been asked by my support team (IC and psychiatrist) to not separate (isolate) as they fear I will commit suicide.



Yes, and the counselor (mc) seems to think it will take at least a year?? Before we are even able to decide to commit to marriage?

Mys

ark,


This is somewhat how I feel. I do NOT want more details - the emails were bad enough, thanks.

On the other hand, I don't know if he will or even can make a committment to our marriage.


I guess not.. I hold on to some hope still...

Mys

WHY is this your only option. don't you have family that you can be with? IMHO, if your so close to suicide that you have to stay with this "man" in order to keep yourself "safe" then perhaps you need to be inpatient for a while.

The bottom line is, your husband fuels your depression and increases your chances for suicide.

Please take care of YOU.

I am very concerned mys that your safety net against suicide is the very person who put you in this dangerous situation. Please find a friend or family member to be with you and get this man out of the house. He may as well be slowly poisoning your food because he is slowly killing you with his selfish behavior.

But what do YOU THINK? Aren't you more likely to commit suicide staying with him and enduring this ongoing abuse? That is what Dr Harley would say. You are exposing yourself to a profoundly abusive situation that is bound to effect your mental health. Women have nervous breakdowns from living like this. And you are already suicidal.

How could you be more likely to commit suicide by removing yourself from an abusive situation?

On the other hand, with a separation, you would begin to feel better in about 3-4 weeks and it would only get better and better after that.


Well, do you really think a suicidal person can handle another year of this abuse? If she thinks he can't commit "for a year" [how does she know this?] then wouldn't you better off removing yourself for that year so you don't kill yourself or have a nervous breakdown?

MYS, do your counselors/doctors understand that adultery is as traumatic as RAPE or the death of a child? Some psychologists rank it up there with PHYSICAL ASSAULT.

If your H was beating you, would they ask you to "not separate (isolate) as they fear I will commit suicide?"

The counseling and psychiatric community, in general, seems to completely MISS the real damage caused by adultery, which greatly impairs their ability to effectively counsel clients.

This is part of the reason why marriage counselors have an 84% failure rate. They are clueless about adultery and even more clueless about how to save a marriage.

mys, PLEASE change doctors and get a new opinion. YOUR H is the one person driving you to suicide! Why would you want to stay with the one person who makes you wish you were dead? I know, FOO, but you just traded in your FOO life for a new form of abuse.

You deserve better than that.

Please find a good inpatient facility, book yourself a suite, and go spend 3 months - alone - to learn how to live with your demons (or exorcise them) on your own. You do NOT need this man polluting your life. He has NOTHING invested in you, or he would have stopped by now.

Quit wasting yourself on him.

MYS, run far, far away from this destructive abusive man. Find a safe place and let yourself begin to heal. And please find a new counselor.

I have been asked by my support team (IC and psychiatrist) to not separate (isolate) as they fear I will commit suicide.


well the only way they woud fear this...

(what do YOU fear)
is if you have told them this.....

have you told them you would rather be dead without him...

what bad can happen

not having affairs in your face
what bad can happen

not having to see him sneek and lie

what bad can happen having him wonder for a bit

where YOU are
what YOU are doing

all this focus on him...

ark