Melody Lane,


He participates but he told the counselor that he "doesn't want any more restrictions on him at this time."


I am. In about a month I will be hired on as full time facutly at the University I am getting my MS degree from. It pays a living wage and comes with benefits.

At first he told me that he would leave if anyone did - but he's since changed his tune to he'll only leave if it seems 'necessary.'

Thank you. It's all been such a shock. I thought we had a good marriage all that time - he was really good at hiding things (like a master spy or something) because I've snooped in the past. What caught up with him this time is his workplace doesn't allow access to lots of email sites, etc.

My mental state was not good when all this started as I've just started dealing with sexual, physical and emotional abuse from growing up. Now I find out that not only was my reality warped as a child - my reality has been warped my whole adult life. I know everyone is telling me to leave, leave, leave, but I sometimes don't feel stable enough to get out of bed.

Mys

curious53,


I'm really trying to do that but it all is so tiring and confusing. I feel as though my whole world just shattered and I'm sitting in the middle looking at the pieces.


I suppose now that I can follow that up realistically (I was dependent upon him for financial support while in grad school) that makes sense. My life would be easier if he would leave... but I can't afford the mortgage.

[quote]Yes, they do think he has a sexual addiction. That's another reason we can't follow MB to the letter - Plan A doesn't work with addicts. I'm not sure Plan B does either.

Mys

My family is out of the question. I need to stay local both for job and school reasons. Someone on the EN boards has suggested looking for a roommate but I'm kind of unsure about that. I have some serious trust/control issues.

Mys

Faithful Follower,

L is not part of my support team. I rely on my professional Dr's for support emotionally and specifically regarding suicide. I have a plan for when I'm feeling suicidal that requires nothing from L.

I just keep hoping that if this an addiction or something he'll hit bottom or something and decide to get better. I know the odds are against it, but I still have some hope.

Mys

I believe I am more prone to commit suicide if I had the opportunity to be alone for a period of time and no one would come and check on me.


I would never do it in front of him.


I don't honestly know. I had a very frank talk with my IC and MC last week about how much this is dragging me under. They both promised to be more supportive AND helped me negotiate a sanctuary in my home where I can sleep alone and be alone without worrying about being bothered (yes, this was a problem).

I know it seems I'm moving like a slug, but I'm moving away from him as fast as I am able.

I guess I just don't want to give up too easily.


Mys

I know this feeling very well. I have felt before like lying down and giving up. When I felt like that, I had to push aside my dangerous, destructive feelings and allow my logic to take over.

I had to make a decision to develop a rational plan to save my life and then mechanically follow that plan every day. WHETHER I FELT LIKE IT OR NOT. And sometimes the plan was to sit up, put my foot on the floor, put the other foot on the floor, walk to the bathroom, take a shower, etc, etc, etc....

I would not allow my feelings of doom to destroy me. Pretty soon my feelings followed my ACTIONS and my plan for survival led me out of the darkness. I had to lead myself out of the darkness by ignoring my feelings.

When I felt this way, I discovered that my feelings were my biggest enemy. I had no strength in me, so I had to PRETEND to have strength through my actions. Soon enough, my feelings followed. Feelings follow actions.

Melody Lane,

I think my IC does - she's a PTSD specialist. I also think she thinks he has an addiction and that somehow changes things for her approach in what I should do.

I don't think my MC did until we had a solo meeting last Saturday.

I barely talk to my psychiatrist unless it's about medications.


It's funny. That's always the first question they ask - are you being physically abused. Say no to that one and the answer seems to be to stay and work it out.


This may be true. We were working for a short time with Penny/Cerri though she's not really following MB these days but with all the complications (my suicidal risk, etc) not to mention cost we decided to go locally.

I'm willing to call the Harleys but I guarantee you he won't talk to them. He hates MB.

Mys


Mys

Do you think all this wound picking has been good for you? My childhood could be described the same as yours, and digging up past wounds did nothing for me other than keep me angry and triggered all the time. There are studies that show this kind of psychotherapy is very counterproductive and abuse survivors who dont go through this exercise actually do better than those who do.

Look what Dr Harley says about this issue:

Coping with Infidelity: Part 4
Overcoming Resentment


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html

One of the reasons I'm not so keen on dredging up the past as a part of therapy is that it brings up memories that carry resentment along with them. If I'm not careful, a single counseling session can open up such a can of worms that the presenting problem gets lost in a flood of new and painful memories. If the goal of therapy is to "resolve" every past issue, that seems to me to be a good way to keep people coming for therapy for the rest of their lives. That's because it's an insurmountable goal. We simply cannot resolve everything that's ever bothered us.

Instead, I tend to focus my attention on the present and the future, because they are what we can all do something about. The past is over and done with. Why waste our effort on the past when the future is upon us. Granted, it's useful to learn lessons from the past, but if we dwell on the past, we take our eyes off the future which can lead to disaster.

I personally believe that therapy should focus most attention, not on the past, but on ways to make the future sensational. And when a spouse comes to me with unresolved feelings of resentment about something their spouse did in the past, I tend to put it on hold and focus on issues that prevent mistakes of the past from recurring. I ask them to trust my judgment, and see what happens to the resentment when the marriage has a chance to become fulfilling. In almost every case, resentment fades, as I predicted. While the painful memories are not entirely forgotten, the most recent marital experiences which are fulfilling and enjoyable, dominate a person's thinking, and resentment becomes weak and infrequent.

I have looked into residential programs and they are all some distance from here (unless you're addicted to drugs/alcohol/gambling).

I need to stay local because I have just been hired for a job that will make me independent plus I am in the middle of my graduate degree.

Mys

I think most counselors in this area take this approach - we discussed this a lot on the other threads.

Mys

Yes, I have told them the truth - I am more likely to commit suicide if I am alone.

I would rather be dead with or without him.

I agree, too much focus on him.

How do I confront him with love ...?

MYS, you are a valuable person and you have painted yourself into a corner. You can't leave your abuser because you will kill yourself...but staying with him is killing you anyway.

Sorry, but it is time for a change in strategy. You NEED...more than ANY JOB...a support system around you that will help you through this. Absent that, an inpatient stay that is measured in months and not days is certainly in order.

If your suicidal tendencies are this prevalent, you should be seeing your shrink weekly until you come up a pharm cocktail that will enable you to function better.

This really is a cancerous situation that YOU need to take control of. Stop letting life walk all over you.

What good would it do??? He's never going to change. YOU need to only worry about YOU.

Touche, MEDC. Beat me to it. Its just gonna stress YOU out, that's all. The only way he is EVER going to wake up is if you grow a backbone and leave him... then MAYBE he'll wake up. MAYBE. He's so far gone that is the ONLY way you are going to get through to him. NOTHING YOU SAY, will.

Mys....

NEVER GROW A WISHBONE WHERE YOUR BACKBONE SHOULD BE!

E.

I have been slowly doing the same things. Applying for a job with the University that I didn't think I would get - salary and benefits. Working out in house boundaries for sleeping and just being alone.

Since he's not bothering lying about it, not snooping as much as he just does it in my face. Our last counseling session together revolved around him removing all the porn he'd recorded on the dvr. He removed it. *shrug*

I'm talking to him about the reality of separation and divorce - financially, etc. Whether he wants to hear it or not. I've explained over and over what he needs to do and he just "doesn't know if he can and doesn't want to commit and then break another promise."

It's crazymaking.

Mys

He's an adult and he can figure this stuff out on his own. And I don't think you telling him is going to help him. SHOW HIM. PLAN B. No warning, just do it.

He'll learn the hard way. Seems that's about the only way he can learn anyways.

Don't waste your time "talking to him about the reality of divorce". That's YOUR reality your telling him (and it may be ACTUAL reality, but not in his head, and you aren't going to convince him otherwise).

Let him figure it out on his own. Experience is the best teacher.

E.

Medc


Yeah, I really need to stop that ideation but it's so damn strong sometimes.


I am seeing him very frequently and I am on quite a pharmacy of drugs.


I'm working on it.

So what I'm hearing everyone say is there is simply no hope to be had in this situation. The marriage is doomed (and so am I in my own way).

I think I'm going to go take a few meds and calm down. I'll be back later.

Mys

Arg... Mys!

YOU ARE NOT DOOMED!

The M may be doomed, that I can't tell you-- whether or not the M is doomed is intimately dependent on whether or not your H wants to WAKE UP and do something.

But I DO KNOW that floundering around like you are is actually HURTING your M, and hurting both him and you. SO STOP!

THE ONE AND ONLY WAY HE IS GOING TO CHANGE IS IF YOU CHANGE... AND TALKING TO HIM DOESN'T WORK!

Just leave. That doesn't mean the M is over, unless that is what he wants after that. And in that case, you can do better Mys. I know that sounds cliche, but its true. This man is a monster right now. What about him do you love, now?

Lets focus on getting your ducks in a row so we can get you out of this situation... eh? What do you think? I know there's PLENTY of people experienced in all sorts of things around here... the law, jobs, children in a separation, plan B.... the whole nine yards. You name it, SOMEONE HERE has BTDT!

So, lets get you focused... will you start planning with us? I'll be part of your support team, looks like you've got MEDC, MelodyLane, LA signed up and ready to go-- you've got the big guns on your thread-- and I'm sure plenty others.

Lets get working on a plan Mys! List out some of your "problems" with kicking him out of the house. What do you see being an issue if when he came home from work today and you handed him a suitcase and said "don't contact me again" with a plan B letter? (this is a hypothetical, but to get you thinking on a plan, so we are ready once we get the ducks lined up!). Think kids, finances, house, cars, health insurance, bills, credit cards, bank accounts...

Lets focus this energy on something productive for you, Mys.

E.

nothing could be further from the truth. Your life can finally begin anew when you jettison his sorry butt.

Mys, I feel for you and think that you need some inpatient care. This specter of you feeling suicidal/doomed over removing what has been a very bad husband from your life really stymies a posters ability to respectfully (and with care) suggest divorce.

What would you have a poster here do? We can reach out to you...some people can most likely call or see you in person...but until and if you are willing to work on things yourself...this pain will continue.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. In all honesty, while you have not taken the steps to kill your body...and I pray you never will...you have already surrendered your spirit as a sacrifice to stay with a horrid man.

Don't give up....take a chance on truly living. You will never regret it. Never.

myschae,
I'm not sure if you have followed my story or not, but I have been going through this emotional roller coaster ride since 02. My WH had multiple online EA's and some in person contact.

I believe he felt entitled to this behavior because of issues that we were having in our new marriage with my children from a previous marriage.

There were times when people on this site (that are near and dear to me) would tell me that "my" issues were overtaking his. Meaning that my emotional instability was overpowering the issue of his infidelity. For example, you are suicidal from this and it becomes the focal point and then he can rush in an "rescue" you from your pain and he becomes some type of hero for something that he has been the primary creator of. Does that make sense?

We just had another EA situation in April/May of this year. I was shocked (don't know why), thought things were going well this time, etc.

I can honestly tell you that I am actually seeing REAL changes in WH (still skeptical), but it took me doing some of the following things:

1) got an IC that was focused on ME - not the M only, but ME as a person and building my strength.

2) went to the medical Dr. and got Cymbalta, that was a disaster, too strong for me, but he told me that I could cut the Xanax in half (because it's too strong for me as well) and use that when I am having anxiety attacks.

3) continued posting here for a support group.

4) joined a Codependents Anonymous group, began a 12-step program of my own. (this is early in the process, but I can already see great improvement in my own ability to cope)

5) exposed his behavior to our Bishop and to my brother, to my BF and to his BF. That in itself was FAR beyond what I had done before and brought a certain amount of clarity to the FOG. Also gave me a support group that I had not had before.

My FWH describes the situation now to me that he saw that I was weak and that I wasn't going to enforce boundaries so he knew that there would be no consequences. Well, as I have become stronger over the years and moreso recently, he sees that I am not going to lie down and take it anymore.

I think your WH is going through the motions just to appease you and get you to leave him alone enough that he can continue this addiction.

It is an addiction. He's not going to stop without therapy, long-term therapy. He has been at it for FAR too long.

I may not get long-term recovery either, because relapses are VERY COMMON and that's what I have lived with since 02.

For you, I think you need to find an IC, a support group, a medical doctor, etc. (some of this you have already done) and FOCUS on your own PERSONAL RECOVERY PLAN. None of which should include him.

You aren't going to leave him right now because you are not strong enough so no matter how much we logically tell you that you deserve better, you won't leave until you feel it on your own.

Be on a Mission. A Mission to BE A BETTER YOU! Let go of trying to change him because it will never happen.

IF in that process he changes, then great, but otherwise, you can slowly, but SURELY move away from this abuse.

Hope that helps! My heart goes out to you!