Well, I guess I put to much information in and no one has anything to say...thanks for looking anyway.

Why did you delete the contents of your post? Sometimes, particularly over the weekend, things can get a quieter around here.

Patience. People will respond as they check back in.

If you saved your post on another program, I encourage you to repost it. I had just noticed your comments on the other thread and tuned in to see if I could help here. Or at least chat and make a new friend....

My post seemed long and no, I did not save it else where in order to repost it the same way.

The jist of my post was telling my story. I was married for 6 years 11 months before my DH decided to cheat on me with BF. He has had a pornography issue since he was a young boy. She knew about it because as she claims her DH had the same problem on top of drugs and other issues. Has children of her own. Their relationship started going further when I was in the hospital with our 1 1/2 month DS for 3 weeks. I was willing to forgive both of them work on the marriage but with boundaries. It seemed that he wanted the same thing then he went to visit his sister and everything fell apart. He filed for a divorce I said no, battle back and forth. What I mean by that is I would reaction to things he did or said and then when I realized what I was doing I got a hold on it. He didn't like it so he reacted and then got me riled up again because he knew just what buttons to push. Sometimes he pushed just right and sometimes I took really good control. He still pushes. BF said she could never have a relationship with him now especially since he has things he needs to work on. We have three children. Divorce went through and now she is trying to regain DSs' trust and love. They know she had something to do with the break up of their parents and do not want her around but DH continues to involve her into their lives and she keeps pushing herself on them. The whole thing is a huge mess and there is more to the story. I do not like having ill feelings toward DH and would like to create a better relationship with him for the sake of the DSs' but he makes it difficult when he can't even listen to the DSs' feelings from them or even from their counselor who also states it is not good for them to be around her. What is even worse is the fact that through all of this DH's family embraced her and shuned me when the faith that we all belong to does not support this, they are strong in their faith and family is important to them. DH's father was upset with me at one point then forgave me enough to show a lot of support, even told me at one point how disappointed he was in the family. Then when I was trying to involve DH's in a decision to leave the area in order for me to be closer to my family he lost it, and went to his family and told a bunch more lies.

In all of this and even with the things he continues to do I still love DH a great deal and would still like for him to come back. I have listened to those in different forums and just wondered if there is any hope. There is a lot more to what I feel and I do not know how to explain it but I have other friends who have gone through divorces and have all told me that there is no hope. It's over, it's done, he hates you and because we know him he will not change and will not change his mind. He has a good heart, he is a good man, but I believe with all the information I found out of my so-called BF that she lured him a great deal and she wants my family. I have caught her in a number of lies and she has somehow blinded DH and his family, and it didn't help that DH bought into it and told his family that I was a terrible mother and wife. Again, more to that too. I have read threads of many others and seen myself in them and recognized what I need to do to work on myself. I just wish that he would own up to his responsibilities in all this and kick the OW/XBF to the curb. This wasn't exatly what I said the first time.

Why did his family not like you? Why do they like BF?

So she is still married?

Would your church get involved to help the entire family?

Well, let me explain a little more as to why the family did not like me. When DH told me of his affair with BF I lost it. Our yougest did die at 1 1/2 months but with a whole lot of work and of those in the ER and two different hospitals he was able to survive, and had to be in the hospital for a while. So, if you take into consideration that I just had him a then nearly lost him then to find out about an affair by two people I considered my best friends how would anyone handle that? Especially, when you found out when it happened and that you and your DSs' were in the home one of those times. It all happened pretty fast too. We had gone to church after what felt like a long time because the baby had been in the hospital. We left way early and he told me at home I left with DSs' and went looking for her. Went back thinking because I was willing to forgive and I thought at one point he wanted to as well till he went over to his sister's. The next day his dad came over and said a few things to me which was out of line because he only heard one side, got a lot of misinformation and then it all began. I at one point called the police because he threated to take the DSs' away and after he at broke a chair, a stove and a trash can I wasn't sure anymore what he would do. I felt bad, tried to apologize and make up for it but nothing I did was good enough and he kept hearing stories that were not true and listening to OW and her friends. The church told him he needed to work on his marriage and stop seeing her as a patient and outside of church. He chose not to stop treating her. The church wanted to help and they have been helping in the sense of my counseling but even after his lawyer suggested we get counseling and he agreed he later back out and the divorce went through. He got up on the stand in court and lied about all resources being exhausted and nothing working. He never gave anything a chance. I got upset with his parents and with others because I thought if they would just encourage him rather then just sitting there doing nothing when they didn't agree with it that maybe he would listen to someone. His Dad supported me at one point before and after police were involved the first time but after the second time he told me I was the one that ruined my marriage.

However, the only reason police were involved the second time was because I felt bad that I did not involve him in the decision to leave the first time after his blow up. So, because papers had been served I had permission to leave the area and go live with my parents from my lawyer. I wanted to sit down and discuss it with him. I told him I needed to talk to him at some point when he called me to let me know that he was going to get the DSs' earlier on his day to take them to a game. When I told him about talking though he wanted to know when. I said I don't know but that I would let him know and he told me it was unfair of me to do that to him, even though he took two weeks to finally tell me he was ready to sit down and talk about things to help our marriage, same day it happened. Well, I said what about this day, he was doing something, then I said another day and he was doing something then, and he said the further I get into the week the longer he would have to wait. So, I felt pressured and said fine how about tonight. Well, he came didn't like what I had to say and burst into the house threatening to take the DSs' again. What else was I suppose to do? Yet he lied to his family again about how it happened and now they have shuned me. They say she has been a friend for 15 years, which according to her she has only been an acquaintence, and that she has not done anything to hurt the family, or should I say the family name. That was not my intentions but there was a lot of involvement of his family, some of which I asked for myself, but it made things worse and no one wanted to take responsibility for their own actions but me and I ended up taking on others as well. Everything just got ugly and it is still in a way going on.

Yet when I go to met with my counselor, also of the same faith as I am, he is about the only one who gives me hope that if I feel very strongly about us still being together someday then I must have patience and learn to work on myself in the meantime.

Oh, and she is not married, she is divorced for what she claims to be the same problems my DH had. Pornography issues, online sex, and other things. However, everything I have found out about her, by her or others leads me to believe she was out to get my DH the once she found out about his addiction.

I think I already answered this too, but the church would get involved to help the whole family and they wanted too. There are MANY who are not happy about his decision and I know that his parents are not happy about it either. I wonder sometimes how they feel now about the two of them continuing a relationship that broke up the marriage in the first place, or if they even know about it. He tells me he is free of secrets, and that he holds no contempt toward me and that he has softened his heart. However, messages and other things he has done doesn't prove any of that.

Do you have proof of their affair? Did you expose to all family and friends? Exposure is a very important step toward breaking up an affair.


Am I reading that correctly? He threatened to take the children, and broke a chair, stove and trash can...so you called the police. But afterwards you felt bad, and tried to apologize the "make up" for calling the police?

Why would you feel bad about calling the police when he was clearly out of control, breaking furniture? Do you feel you played a part in the anger rise?


I don't understand that. Please explain.

abenat, please describe your part in arguments.

Your counselor gives you good advice - patience, and to work on yourself in the meantime.

Affairs tend to end once the excitement wears off, sometimes sooner, sometimes later...but they do tend to end. If you really want your Ex back, perhaps if you started a fantastic Plan A......?

The only plan I have right now after Sunday pick up of the DSs' is to stay away from him, not talk to him, and just work on me. He got angry with me for trying to give him a book to help with our current state of communication. He started chewing me out and when I tried to explain the first time he threw the book down on the pavement, I picked it up and tried to explain again, then he took it from me and three it in the grass next to the parking lot. The DSs' saw the whole thing and heard his arguing with me. I did yell back at him but then I left him a message after I put the DSs' in the van and took a few seconds to calm down. I also apologized to the DSs and they told me the know the truth now, that mommy is not the one being mean but daddy is. Any other suggestions for a fantasitic Plan A would be welcomed.

I hope I clarified a little on the arguements but since it happened almost a year ago I don't remember all the arguements but bits and pieces that stuck out more. If I can clarify more then I will try.

I apologize if I do not get back on till late at night or early in the morning. I still do not sleep well and I am really trying to spend more quality time with my DSs. They need me more then ever now. When they are not here I spend more time on the computer or trying to find something else to do. I am working on starting my own buisness and looking to see what I can do to go back to school, get a place of our own and a few other things. It's a struggle living with my parents again. There are things I still do not agree with in their discipline or the way my DF talks to them as though they understand what he is talking about when he is talking at an adult level still.

abenat4

While I understand he's done some pretty bad things, you're devastated, and all, the way you're going about this won't work. You can't hand a book to a person and tell them they need to read it to 'fix themselves.' How would you feel if he brought you a video and said, watch this and start doing what it says cos you're messed up? Not your place to tell him, just as it's not his place.

My first recommendation is get a counselor that is not affiliated with your church. And with him. Go to www.unitedway.org and find the chapter nearest you, and call them. They'll help.

Lunchtime: a break before we are off and running again.

It wasn't a book to help him fix himself. It was to help our communication get better for the sake of the children rather then constantly sending voice messages and emails. And it was one I saw others recommend on this site to help that communication get better. He sent me an email indicating he held no contempt toward me, had softened his heart and wanted cordial discourses. But then he put the Bon Jovi song "You Give Love a Bad Name" on there and is still trying to control what I do with the DSs. Yet, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and was going to explain it to him but as I said he got it earlier. I realize I am going about it the wrong way and I will not be contacting him any further.

However, I will not be getting a different counselor, he doesn't know the DH, and because I cannot afford it the church pays for the counseling. There is no one that would truly understand why my feelings are as strong as they are except one who knew our faith. Hence the reason I plan to stay with the counselor I have at the moment until I move elsewhere and find another counselor/therapist also of the same faith. Thanks for the recommendation anyway. Gotta run wont be back on till later on tonight when DSs are asleep.