Thanks turtlehead for explaining A and B a bit more.
That letter idea I had was stupid, I see that now, glad you brought that to light.
I've read about 45pgs of Alonew3's 117pg post. I have gained some insight but not there yet.
I read about the 180. I like it's idea and want to do it for myself but don't see how she will see any of if (as it says to make me more attractive in her eyes) since from this point on I don't see us having any reason to get together, no kids, none of her belongings at the house etc.

I do have lots of love for my wife. Your right in saying that I'm probably not ready for PB, I don't want to do it but I want to bring the light of day to her that this is serious. It is serious how much she has hurt me. I feel that she thinks I'll always wait around for her as long as it takes. She still tells me after she admits to me about PA that she doesn't know how she will feel in a few months...yet she didn't even try to lie about the physical part, didn't show remorse!
I can't get a grasp of how I feel. Maybe you others who have been through this can guide me. I have feelings of giving up because she never emails me about us. Only one email with picks of her sisters baby 2 weeks ago that was emailed to about 20 other girlfriends at the same time. No calls, no texts. Nothing. Like she has moved on. She hasn't told me that she loves me when I tell her for probably the last couple months. Things like this seem like shes moved on, not that she is stuck in affair???? Yet I've told her since day one I will not start the sepaation paperwork. You tell me when you have a lawyer and I will get one...two months and nothing. I think if I didn't book the appraiser it would never be done either.

I've exposed as far as I can
I've made her pay the insurance on the car she drives
I had the last few boxes packed for her the last time she picked up her stuff. The other two times she came to move out I made her box everything and even load the car herself (no furniture)
I've asked for help from her parents and two best friends, they all care for me very much but either tell me they can't get involved or not return phone calls/texts.
I was in Plan A the 1.5 months before I found out about the OM and only a few days before I found out about him I told her I was trying and she said I know. A coouple days later she said I know your trying but it annoys me
After I found out about the OM I have not been trying to need ENs, I've been trying to decide how I feel about her now...
I gave her a letter about how I feel, no LBs telling her what she's done wrong, just how I feel about the different events that have transpired (recommended by my counselor). I gave her a copy of the ENs section on this site with my litte notes on it about where I haven't been meeting them. (I asked if she had read them and she said yes. I asked how she felt about them and got the shoulder shrug and "Ummm"

Should I be trying to get in contact and meet her ENs? She said it annoys her?
Is it time to go dark?
I don't want to give her the satisfaction/easy way and start the separation but for me to do 180 that would include the renos I'd like to finish and that would increase the value of the house and we agreed 2 months ago that the appraisal as the house stands will be written into the separation agreement that she would get 1/2 the equity of the appraisel value. I need to protect myself on that before I start. What should I do here?

That depends on what you're "doing" with the equity, per se.

Are you buying out her half? Or will you sell the house and split what's there?

If it's the former--hold off on the renos until you've paid her.

I plan on keeping the house and paying her out.

Turtlehead states plan B needs to be done after a strong plan A. My plan A is very weak and hasn't been implemented in the last couple weeks...what can I do now to strengthen that so I can go into Plan B when ready.
I was wanting to do the 180, and thinking that I can do Plan A by telling her via email that I've been going out with some of our old mutual freinds and have plans to take a trip in a couple weeks to visit some old friends of ours. Keeping it light and not about our relationship. To let her know that life is still moving on...

Your letter was not stupid. It lacked direction, that's all.

I'm sure by now you've heard of the roller coaster. That's what you're feeling. When you say "I can't get a grasp of how I feel" - it's normal. Your feelings will be all over the map. It SUCKS.

Right now you shouldn't expect anything from her. Don't expect texts, don't expect her to say "I love you too" or anything like that. She is totally NOT herself. If you expect and hope for kindness from her you will be disappointed. Just trust that the real wife is under there somewhere, struggling to find her way back.

Your efforts annoy her for one of two reasons:
1 - she's moved on (I don't think so, because she hasn't filed any paperwork)
2 - it makes it hard for her to hate you (I think this is the likely reason)

I personally would be trying to meet her ENs as best I could, because when you do try to meet them it has an impact (she's "annoyed") and because she's not yet really done anything to end the M. I wouldn't do it forever, though. Your W is a big time cake-eater. I'd just do it for a few weeks, enough to really make a positive impact.

When you ask if you should go dark, why are you asking that? For what reason(s) would you go dark? <= please answer this

I'd hold off on all the financial stuff - don't start any paperwork, dont' start any balls rolling. It might be wise to see a divorce attorney and ask him how to protect yourself financially, just in case.

Another thing I would do is not be 'needy' around her. The one thing that would make her want to come back the most, IMO, is seeing you be ok on your own. IMO, it would drive her crazy to see that you can survive if she doesn't pull her weight. Human nature: people want what they can't have. Not saying to play a game, just reach that place where you realize you'll survive no matter what happens. It makes you more attractive.

Yes. It annoys her because you are creating conflict within her. She is annoyed, because now, with you meeting her needs as well, she'll have to choose. She won't have the easy answer of claiming you're a lousy husband.

Just remember, when you are trying to meet her needs, do so in a way that you appear strong and confident. Don't grovel or appear supplicant.

Thanks catperson,

I didn't know if I should go dark because she is being a cake-eater keeping this affair going as long as she knows I'm there. Then she would loose that contact with me....make her feel what she is loosing. Make her feel like I'm moving on. Seems like the OM is doing a good job of meeting her ENs since she doesn't contact me. I know she's not herself but I feel that she should at least want to contact me once in awhile to talk?

So Plan A for another few weeks then? I like that idea. Build it up and then Plan B so it is strong. Keep my love flowing to her but not relationship talk, build communication again? Start with emails and see if it will start into texts/phone calls/ getting together?

I have to email her a copy of our house appraisal tonight. Do I keep these emails separate?
Should I include in that email to her about getting out with my friends last week, plans for the road trip, tell her I signed up for a course at school (started PT certificate course a couple yrs. back, she saw the papers one day when she was moving out and seemed surprised that I wanted to go back to finish it). I guess I shouldn't ask her how she's doing or what she's been up to?

No, stay out of her stuff. Tell her how good you're doing, make you look like a great catch!

I'm starting to feel a direction here....I'm feeling good...

What are some smaller things I can do in Plan A? I know she won't want to go out for dinner yet or park or zoo etc.. I'd like to build up to that.

Ask her to play cards or a board game with you.

Send an article you read to her and say 'I thought you'd like to hear this.'

If she likes a certain kind of flower, buy some and plant them somewhere she can see them.

Buy her something she's always wanted but wouldn't pay for.

Do you have to email her a copy of the appraisal? If not, wait until she asks for it. Make her work for everything she says she wants but that you don't want. I'm not saying stand in her way, I'm saying let her do the heavy lifting w/o your help.

I'd keep communications light and upbeat. Don't ask about her. Maybe say you were thinking about her (not that you missed her, that's needy but thinking about her is more flattering). Mention some fun stuff you're doing.

If there's something she *loves* to do (like bike rides, or go to the opera) then invite her. When she turns you down, don't act like it affects you. Then go with someone else (a guy) and afterwards let her know she missed out on a *great* time. Don't rub her nose in it, just say "Wow, you missed a spectacular <whatever>, you'd have loved it!" Then hit the highlights, say it's a shame she missed it, and hang up.

What are her top ENs?

If admiration, eat something for dinner that she does really well then comment to her "It's nowhere near as good as yours, though."

If domestic support, keep the house spotless and the yard looking great.

If financial support, I'd say let her suffer the LOSS of your financial support, and let OM try to fill that EN. Heh, heh.

If conversation, little emails, quick phone chats, and I like catperson's idea of sending a clipped article that she'd enjoy.

Let us know her top ENs and maybe we can come up with better ideas.

Great ideas guys/gals but remember that she is not living at home, she is in her own apartment... I think she's pretty hesitant to go out with me anywhere. Maybe I need to warm her up to it?

OMG!!! I just finsihed reading all 117pg of abandonedwith3's post! As recommended by iam. Thanks!!!

I never realized that everything could come crashing down becuase my wife could be pregnant at some point in time w/OM, maybe even now! I feel that I need to be proactive on her being physical with him, tell her that she needs to think about that fact and if that is ok with her....should I speak to her on this topic? Remember she is not on BC, we were trying to have a baby!

I wouldn't talk to her about getting pg - she's an adult and you're not her parent. She won't hear anything other than you trying to control her, anyway.

What are her top ENs?

You're sounding TONS better, by the way.

Turtlehead,
When she was at the house and the appraiser was comfirming to send the PDF to whose email I gave my wife a minute to speak up and add hers. The appraiser also paused. She didn't say anythign so I said, " Just send it to me and I can forward it to my wife..." I don't want to go back on my word.

Here are her top 5
Affection
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Admiration

Update:
Didn't send her the PDF of the house appraisal yet and she hasn't contacted me. She knew it was being sent to me Mon-Wed.
I did make an effort back into Plan A
Sent her a nice email this morning.
As the email went:
Hi,
Went and got a hair cut last night, wow it's been so long since I have done that! Always enjoyed you cutting my hair(she liked doing that for me). Forgot to tell you that I was at (mutual friend's) place last weekend, had a good time in the hot tub! Saw (mutual friend) that was in town too, do you remeber him? Talked to (friend of mine) and have plans to take a road trip to go go and see him and his family Aug long weekend, should be fun fishing and quadding.

Anyways,
Have to head to work!

Is this a good step towards Plan A?

Sounds great!