what is there to confront..
what is your question to confront him with..


ark

I think this counselor's suggestion that she "confront" shows that he/she is clueless to the whole situation.

He KNOWS that she KNOWS about the continued contact, duh!

Mys, don't waste your time on that suggestion. And personally, I wouldn't waste your money on that MC anymore either.

Find an IC - for YOU!

mys, do they still have house mothers at college? You know, the lady who lives in the school dorm and kind of takes care of the girls? I think it would be a wonderful change for you to do that. What do you think?

quote from medc."Mys, I feel for you and think that you need some inpatient care. This specter of you feeling suicidal/doomed over removing what has been a very bad husband from your life really stymies a posters ability to respectfully (and with care) suggest divorce."
*************************************

Hi Mys,
If you remember,I have suggested inpatient care a few times. And you always come back w/ logical excuses....There isn't anyplace but drug rehab, who would teach my students? grade papers?
You are wallowing in the middle of a crisis.
There must be a facility that deals w/ suicidal depression that isn't a drug rehab. What about the local hospital??? Where would you be taken if you did attempt suicide? or if you called 911? There has to be someplace...
AND,I KNOW you have students and work etc....BUT, there ARE substitutes....it can be arranged...what would happen if you were in an accident?
THIS is where you need to take care of YOU first.....and if you do it soon and all goes well you can still start the new job.

And, while you are there you can write your plan B letter. (or maybe before you go)
I honestly think plan B is your best option all the way around...it gets you away from a very traumatic/abusive situation and it puts the ball in L's court....let him manage his own choice to recover etc........I really think it's the best thing for both of you.

Mys,

Here's what you should do. If you have a favorite candy, or something, keep it close.

Every time you start to break down, and don't do it--reward yourself heavily. If you can't go to anyone to help you with this, as you have said, you may be able to 'train' yourself.

Think about how talented you are. You didn't get that job for nothing, you know!

All right, I'm not really interested in a 3 month 'vacation in a psych ward' so how can I plan an escape so that I just vanish. The steps elude me. I'd want to bring some stuff with me (mostly electronics) so it's not like I'm going to just pack my clothes and go.

How do I protect myself legally?

Mys

medc,


I suppose I am still holding out hope we can work this out.


Well, honestly, help me save my marriage. I'm willing to Plan B if that's what it takes but I'm getting a lot of conflicting advice from the counselors here that is giving me pause. Obviously they know more about the situation that you guys do because of the medium of the forum. At the same time, they don't have the combined affair experience you do.




I know it's a bad option. I'm doing the best thing I can by building strong support with experienced people.


I hope you'll forgive me for saying this but it doesn't look like that from here.


Mys

onlyUcan,


He is NOT part of my rescue plan. He hears about it after I'm back to stable again.


I have that.


I take a pharmacy of drugs.


Here I am.


I keep meaning to look for one.


We're both athiests.


This is true but I'll feel less anxious about it if I have a working plan as someone suggested.


Thank you

Mys

I honestly don't know. I can check on it.

Mys

Nia,


I do. I just don't want to dismantle the functioning part of my life (work/school) right now. It's against my Dr's advice and I'm not sure I need inpatient therapy. Certainly my medical staff hasn't mentioned it and I've asked.


I'm willing to consider Plan B but maybe some planning would be good.

Mys

True. My IC keeps stressing to focus on my accomplishments for work.

OK, lets plan your plan B then Mys.

First off, you mentioned that you want to "disappear". Are you sure YOU want to leave YOUR house? Quite frankly, I am in the camp that the person that is not invested in the M should be the one to leave. But, if you have a family member's house that you can go to, etc, that support system might be best for you.

Truthfully, I would call up a divorce lawyer in your state. Many have free half hour consultations. Do you know if you have legal separation in your state? What state are you from? The first step is to learn the laws of your state. And start documenting any/all abuse with dates/times/witnesses... just in case. You can't be too careful.

ETA: Just because you are talking to a lawyer DOES NOT MEAN you necessarily have to divorce, or that you are even going to. Its just to cover your butt, so we do this right

So, lets start with what state you live in, and figure out the laws, whether or not you have legal separation, what happens if you leave the marital home, and go from there.

Where would you go if YOU leave? Do you WANT to leave, or would you rather have him leave?

Lets start there...

E.

I do. I just don't want to dismantle the functioning part of my life (work/school) right now. It's against my Dr's advice and I'm not sure I need inpatient therapy. Certainly my medical staff hasn't mentioned it and I've asked.
*****************************************

What DID they say when asked about it?
I can understand not wanting to dismantle the functioning part of your life. It must bring you a lot of stability....which is good.
I imagine the counselors see you as very stable/capable...do they know how desperate you sometimes feel?
I can't help but to worry that dragging this out for so long isn't
helping you at all.

Well, since you want to disappear, here is what I'd do. I'd search online or go to a travel agency, have them find someone who has a house on a lake or an ocean, that hasn't been rented out, and make some sort of offer for renting it or house-sitting it from now until school starts. Then, just pack a bag, gather up your electronics, and go. Tell H you need some time alone and you'll be back in time for school, give him your parents' phone number (or whoever) for emergencies, and just disappear.

Spend the next few weeks BY YOURSELF. You keep saying you fear being alone, but I truly think you are telling yourself that when it really isn't your enemy. I think that if you were to spend 2 or 3 weeks on your own, you would grow to reaquaint yourself with who you really are - not as an appendage of some other person. It will give you strength. And peace. So that you come back to your marriage from a position of strength.

I think this is a very bad idea considering she has already said that isolation increases her suicide risk.

Mys, you may not like the idea...but inpatient therapy is your best option. It also sounds like you need some new doctors...preferably university based doctors.

first of all

NO ONE...has insurance that is good enough to a three month inpatient stay...

thats not functional inpatient...that commitment status....and we're not talking about that....

so I implore you not dismiss an inpatient stay if warranted based on that thought....

why not go to a womens shelter for their resources and assistance in building your plan....

that's what they do there.....

and surely the persistant affairs in your face qualify as emotional abuse....

they are exactly what you need to help building a plan...

here's the other things you need to change your thought processes on...

going plan B...or temporarily seperating.....does not mean the end of anything definite..

all you can do is change your reponses to his actions...

and

you are perfectly allowed to choose to stay with an infidel...but don't delude yourself that you will have an intimate equal marriage...
know realistically what you have....

and there are plenty of people who choose that route...but it won't serve you well to choose that route and then complain or wish for it to be different...

are you capable of staying at his side and investing all energy and emotion in to career and stuff...so that you won't really care what he does or doesn't do....

some people do that....
some do it contentedly....

is that what you want....

have you read bad childhood good life...
it is possible...

millions do it alllllll the time...

inspite of
inspite of
inspite of.......


ARK

I agree that her best bet is inpatient therapy. But I see her really resistant to that, so I doubt seriously she will do it.

That said, IMO, the reason she's thinking like this is her H's influence. I think if she's away from him for an extended period, her true self might feel safe enough to peek out.

Perhaps she can get a sister or friend or parent to stay with her.

you might be right about some plans. Mine allows for 190 days...go figure.

It certainly does seem daunting to think of a stay being months. It would be easier to handle a few weeks and then re-evaluate. I think your shelter idea is a great suggestion.

MYS,

I have a theory. Perhaps you did not realize your husband was cheating and a "rapist" because until now, you were not ready to face it. He did not turn into a rapist/cheater/ cold as ice person overnight. He was always like this... You did not realize the extent of his lack of morals. Maybe you were not ready to see it....YOU are NOW strong enough to see him as he is. And it is a shock that shakes you to the core. And triggers all your childhood hurts at once.

*Your story in a nutshell as I see it.

1. You were raised by psychopathic/menatlly ill parents.
2. You were abused by these folks
3. Then you got out on your own, yet were mentally fragile.
4. You met a husband to marry that seemed better than your folks to marry. You were mentally fragile and could not see him for what he was and is.
5. Your husband became a "strength" for you to depend on. At least he was not abusing you every day. He was a good bandaid for your fragile mental health.

6. You lived with this husband for years and he was a support for you. Inside, perhaps you were still severely damaged from childhood abuse but living with this man helped you cope with life.

7. This husband gave a sense of stability to your life and a reason for you to live.

8. Now, you have realized this husband was no better than your abuser family. He is cold, mean, and psychopathic just like they were if not worse. This is a shock TO YOU. He was always bad but YOU are just now seeing it.

9. You are between a rock and a hard place. Do you dump the only security you ever had? But what if it was never a good security but merely a lie? If you dump this man, who will be there for you? You will be back at square one, damaged from childhood, unable to cope. All that damage will come out and you will have to deal with it within yourself which may make you feel suicidal due to the extreme pain you will feel.

10. Perhaps a lifetime of pain is ready to come out from your heart, MYS. It is scary, I know. Us sensitive folks really absorb abuse from others deeply, damaging us and creating a lot of pain. We cope the best we can.

11. Now seeing what kind of monster your husband is is such a shock. First you had those monster parents. Then this monster husband. Who would or could live with it!!??? It is a terrible shock to your entire being. This is all you have known so far in life. So it is no wonder you are tempted to GIVE UP ON LIFE. But there is so much more to live than abuse and cheaters and cold people!!!! I tell you you are not seeing reality yet! You will see the good in life! Cling to your Gram and what she is. There is much more like her out here.

12. Now, you have to face ALL this childhood pain PLUS the pain your husband dumped on you! You have to realize he does not value you nor care about you. It might make you think (mistakenly) that you arent worth LOVING! But dont believe that lie. Just because a bunch of mean cold psychopaths dont love you means nothing. You were around the wrong people. When you are always around abusers, it is hard to realize you are worth being loved!!!!

13. You will now learn to love your precious self apart from your carreer and accomplishments. You will learn to heal from the past abuse from your parents and the present disrespect and disregard from your husband. You will learn to be resiliant and be able to handle everything in life. You will learn to recognize people for who they are and to pick only healthy positive people to be your friends and maybe have relationships with. You will learn all this and it will be hard and painful facing how bad you feel inside about your own lack of worth. I know you can do this.

I feel so sorry that you do not value yourself enough YET to realize how your H is a rapist, selfish, a manipulator, uncaring and wants and goes after other women.

I dont know but had you known he would prove to be all of this, would you have jumped into marriage with him?

Why would you want to remain married to him now knowing all of this? (because you were used to very bad treatment from your family growing up therefore you did not recognize it in your husband at first.)

Maybe the meds are making you feel "too numb" to realize what your husband truly is. (or, you are realizing it and it is a shock to see he is as bad as your own parents were)

I want for you to be safe, to learn to truly love and care for yourself, and to value yourself more highly. Then, you will want to have nothing more to do with your WW. Or anyone like him. Right now, you seem to almost hate yourself for some reason due to childhood habits, and being around bad people, and this is clouding your view of him a little.

I would be howling and growling at him, showing him my pain, at this terrible treatment he gives to you each and every day.

If he does not understand nor care about his wife's pain then he is a psychopath which maybe he is. What DOES he care about? Himself only?

I just don't understand why you want to be with him anymore. Except that he is a tiny bit better than your abusive family maybe. And having a warm body around is sort of comforting in a way. Even if they do not care for you.

I feel sad you have to live with someone so terrible as him. I dont know the reason you feel you want him in your life still. Except you are used to bad treatment. And bad people. I would be so done with this man ...but of course I am not you.

Honestly I don't know what I'm supposed to confront him with either. It's a confusing assignment.

Mys