I wouldn't neccessarily call it fog, but more a form of denial. Who would want to look into that mirror. It's a way for her to avoid the guilt she feels over the choices she's made I guess....

Want2Stay

What's her username? (not that you can look up threads anymore or search for them anymore anyways... ahem, Mods.. USER ERROR! )

It is not your fault she's not posting. Posting here isn't for everyone... it may be that she just isn't a "posting" kinda person. But if she's truly not posting just because of what you said (which I'm presuming is the truth...).... well, that's a different story.

I know these boards can be rough on ppl. I actually started on these boards in October of last year until January-ish-- under a different SN and had 2x4 WAILED at me at the time. I disappeared off the boards for awhile and just lurked, read books, did some introspection. And forgot my old username and password

So when I was ready again and had soaked in enough information-- I started posting again in April this year.

I'm not a 2x4 person though. And I think that partially is because I come from the other side of the fence.

If she ever wants to talk to someone who's BTDT-- I'm more than willing to comment, share, talk-- I'm a little further ahead than you guys (over one year out)-- and I think reading your posts is valuable for getting "the other side" and getting into my ever elusive H's head.

I wouldn't mind you catching up on my thread and maybe tossing in some ideas too, if you don't mind. I think its hovering somewhere around the bottom of the first page right now. I tend to post in spurts-- so there's a few other threads that I started earlier.

We are making progress, but it is sloooowwwwww... and H still hasn't committed to the M. I have uncoupled the deeds... but as I said to you, that doesn't mean he gets a free pass to not deal with his mistakes. It just means that I'm basing whether or not I put effort into rectifying my mistakes on his lack of effort and refusal to accept responsibility. I'll make up for my mistakes, I'll do what I need to regardless of what he does (I need to work on the fact that my guilt makes me into a doormat with him sometimes...). But, someday he'll face the piper and will have to pay for his too. He's got about a month and a half left of my plan A/ reformed wife (its been a year I've been working at this!)-- and then he's getting a plan B letter...

E.

Eeyoree,


I REGRET to inform you that your FIXXER upper is leaking TEA all over the place.

It's all good, no worries......

Want2Stay

Oh shoot.

You've got me W2S

I honestly didn't change my name this time to "hide" though-- I honestly can't remember for the life of me what I used to sign in-- the name or the password. (you know how you can sign in with a different name than what appears here- I don't remember what that was!)

I'm in a better place now, and I'm glad to see that you and Lala are too. Still plugging away-- but there's end in sight now, for real. I'm done with being spineless-- I've learned a lot here, and for that I'll be forever grateful!

My thread is hovering around the bottom of the first page to catch up if you'd like

E.

She didn't really recieve any 2x4's and told me that she was more embarrased by what I typed in the "In Recovery" section about some issues she had regarding her past. I think the issues are pretty relevant to my issues now...so I put them in there. I will text her to see if she minds me giving her username to you. I do think that you would be of big help to her. And, I will definately check out your thread.

eeyoree,

Like I said, no worries. One thing I have learned here is that people's writing styles are very much like a fingerprint. They can make you stick out like a sore thumb.

Even though I don't post much, I read here everyday. So, I have read the latest developements in your sitch and hope you can keep going in the right direction.

Want2Stay

eeyoree,

Just got a text back form W. She is fine with me posting her username. Her name is "killingmesoftly".

Thanks Intro. I'll read up there. I'm just trying to see where she's at in the process too, ya know? I can tell where you're at, and reading your stuff is like deja vu-- its like talking to my H!

But I want to see where she's at too-- because ultimately recovering the MARRIAGE is going to be up to BOTH of you, not just you. Uncoupling the deeds and doing what you need to will help you recover YOU-- and hopefully the M. But the M part depends on her doing her part too.

Just wasn't sure where she was with all of this. I see you guys moved, and that's great, although the 3 weeks at her job would make me nervous too. Is she still living at home with you for those 3 weeks-- not in the old town, right?

OK, I've spent far too much time posting today (my boss isn't here today, so I've been slacking a bit!)-- so I need to actually get some work done

I like you intro-- I like you cause you think like my hubby and maybe you'll help me get behind his steel trap and help me get somewhere with him before its too late for him and he gets his plan B letter. I know I can only change me-- but knowing what's going on in that head of his that seems to be on lock down would help occasionally too

Gonna go catch up on some threads... good luck intro!

E.

She is living in the new house with me, but spends as much time 2 blocks from OM's work as she does at the house...so, either way, it's no good.

Interesting topic.

Merriam-Webster defines “respect” as-- a: high or special regard : ESTEEM b: the quality or state of being esteemed

So if you substitute the word “respect” with “esteem” or “high regard” in the question, it would be:

“How did/are you earning your BS’ “esteem” or “high regard” back?”

The answer to this is easy for me. As the BS (me), my DH has “earned” my “esteem” or “high regard” by the way he has turned his life around and has changed so much for the better. He’s even a better person than he was before his waywardness. It has been a slow but drastic change.

He lives a life pleasing to God. His gentleness and kind manner speak about him before he even opens his mouth. People sense this about him before they ever make his acquaintance. In fact, he has had people tell him that the first time they laid eyes on him, they “knew” there was just “something” about him. He draws all kinds of people to him, poor, rich, professionals, blue collar workers, young, and old. It’s not anything that he did or does, it’s who he is.

He esteems me. I am the priority in his life and he in mine.

He stands up for what is right, where before he would choose not to take a stand at all.

He puts others first and himself last.

He loves his children and adores his grandchildren.

He can still get mad but calms down quickly before any harm is done.

He’s careful with his words and diligent in his actions.

His love for me shows in more than his words.

What more can I say, it wasn’t necessarily what he did to prove anything to me (although he has done some pretty romantic things). Most importantly, it was the things that he did to make himself a better man.

Sounds like your H is doing a great job. Thank you for the reply...this is what I was looking for, and if W did those things it would probably help her earn back my respect.

No doubt you'll think I'm a misogynist, but I don't know any women personally whom I respect, beyond "basic human respect".

Wife? No

Mother? No - Unremorseful, multiple-time OW/WW. I was, in fact, an OC.

Grandmothers? - Dead, didn't really know them well, anyway.

Female friends? - none

You know women here....what about them?

Oi. This explains a lot.

I really don't feel like I "know" anyone here. Then again, that's been my stance since the explosion of the internet...you don't KNOW someone you only communicate with online, EVER.

I do respect the opinions of quite a few female members here, but that amounts to little more than respecting the opinion of an author or a columnist...it's hardly respecting them as individuals.

I understand and agree.

I just find it pretty hard to believe that there is no women in this world that you have respect for. There has to be someone. If you have always had this outlook toward women, I find it hard to imagine your W marrying you...to be honest.

Actually, this is what I suspected of you from the beginning....

Ok....I am sure there is some woman out there you respect, so lets dig a little deeper....

Anybody from church??

Any of your male friends wife???

Any of your childrens teachers????

Come on, Krazy, THINK.....

(I really would like to help you on this......so bear with me or tell me no thanks...)

not2fun

It's really not a woman thing...I just don't socialize with any.

Sure, there are some co-workers, teachers, etc. that I have respect for, but I don't really know them well.

I think you're assuming that disrespect fills any void where there isn't respect. This is not the case.

To me, there is a huge difference between respecting, say, a teacher that does a great job with your child, and respecting a long-time friend.

The fact is, I'm not close enough to any females (besides my W) to honestly say I have deep respect for them.

My W's grandmother would be another...I nearly forgot about her. I do respect her.

No, that is not what I am saying at all.....

Respect has to start SOMEWHERE.....most people you meet are given a certain amount of respect, that is until you get to know them and they do something that causes that respect to be lost.

For instance, say you meet a new neighbor, you wouldn't start treating them with disrespect just because you don't know them...of course not, they are given a certain amount of respect.

Now, for the deep respect that is another issue with which I will reply on in a minute......

Can I ask why you respect her????

not2fun