Rain -

What are your thoughts today?

Fox

I basically told him that I was in love with the OM.

I don't know how to act toward my H

I don't feel like he will ever admire me again after everything and even going through this now makes everything look even darker

I know that I love my H but

I went to talk to an attorney about my situation and it doesn't look good. I will not lose my son so it means staying in the M. I will just have to try harder. But this is the most miserablest thing ever for both me and my H.

seeing your quote makes me sick to my stomach because that song reminds me of him

am very angry at my self because I don't know how to act toward my H. I basically told him that I was in love with the OM.

I know that I love my H but I don't feel like he will ever admire me again after everything and even going through this now makes everything look even darker.

I am ready to give up. I am tired. But I went to talk to an attorney about my situation and it doesn't look good.

I will not lose my son so it means staying in the M. I will just have to try harder. But this is the most miserablest thing ever for both me and my H.

How to Get Through Withdrawal

In R.J.'s case, his feelings for his wife are as bad as they have ever been. In the case of M.S.'s husband, he is suffering so much that he can no longer make love to his wife, something that had always come very easily to him in the past. What is happening to these men?

They are experiencing symptoms of withdrawal from the addiction they have to their lovers.

As soon as a victimized spouse decides to stay married and struggle through reconciliation, he or she usually sets out to meet whatever needs the lover had been meeting. If it was sex, the spouse offers more and better sex. If it was affection, it's more affection. Both M.S. and R.J.'s wife were willing to do whatever it took to regain their wayward spouses' love.

But it didn't work for either of them. That's because both of their husbands were in withdrawal. They were both addicted to their lovers and separation from them caused them to suffer from depression. That, in turn, made it almost impossible for their spouses to meet their emotional needs. So all of that love and care that was being extended to them was being wasted. Until they would recover from withdrawal, the efforts of their wives to please them will be very disappointing.

Withdrawal is the emotional reaction to the loss of something that gives great pleasure. It's similar to the feelings an alcoholic has when he makes a commitment never to drink again. It's also similar to the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one. A lover is like alcohol and like a loved one. Not only do unfaithful spouses miss what it was their lovers did, meeting important emotional needs, but they also miss the person they had come to love.

Our most common emotions are anger, anxiety and depression. Symptoms of withdrawal usually include all of these in a very intense form. I usually suggest that anti-depressant medication be used to help alleviate these symptoms. While the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they start to fade.

It is extremely likely that a commitment to remain separated from a lover will be broken unless extreme measures are taken to avoid it. That's because the emotional reaction of withdrawal is so painful. Honesty is an extremely important element in reconciliation, and it should be understood that if the unfaithful spouse ever sees or communicates with the lover, he or she should immediately tell the spouse that it happened. They should then agree on a plan that would prevent a recurrence of contact in the future. But as soon as any contact is made, it throws the unfaithful spouse back to the beginning of withdrawal, and the time it takes to overcome the feelings of grief begins all over again.

There's a sense in which M.S.'s husband was in withdrawal even before M.S. discovered the affair. As soon as the move was made, he became depressed, and what M.S. noticed the most was his lack of interest in sex. Depression will do that to you (and so will anti-depressant medication -- one of it's only side effects is a loss of sex drive).

If M.S.'s husband were to avoid talking to his lover for three weeks, it's likely that his sex drive would start to return, since the worst symptoms of withdrawal would probably have ended. He has a long history of sexual interest in his wife, and I guarantee that he will eventually do just fine in bed.

The problem that R.J. may soon face is that his wife's cheerful attitude will wear thin. There's no telling how much longer she can try to please him without an approving response from him. Sometimes I tell spouses to just avoid each other until the withdrawal stage passes because all the effort to be kind and thoughtful is easily wasted until they start feeling better.

It's the stage of recovery after withdrawal that gives spouses the best opportunity to learn to meet each other's most important emotional needs and overcome Love Busters. Spouses should save their most tolerant mood for that stage, where they could both be receptive to each other's care.

Yes, I am still here. This is extrmely difficult. I can't get him out of my head and I am trying so hard. It is very frustrating. I am angry, sad, and depressed all at the same time. I am trying. Taking one day at a time.

If you still have a MySpace page, pictures, clothing, gifts, ANYTHING that still "connects" you with OM, you have not even begun withdrawal yet.

You are killing yourself with this.

This is not giving the M an honest chance.

You are taking "peeks" and your Withdrawal clock resets every time. If you don't STOP THIS behavior you will stay in this agony of indecision and torture.

If you believe that leaving your son and husband for the OM will end that agaony and torture, you are wrong.

THAT clock will be reset - you will deal with the guilt and torture of losing your son, husband, and family unit.

[censored] or get off the pot, rain.

Doing this half-arsed will keep you and your family in pain. NOTHING COUNTS until no contact with OM is in place. No contact means NO CONTACT with anything about him; pictures, gifts, cell phone messages you have saved, etc. ANYTHING. Purge them and start fresh.

You will never reach Step One in recovery without taking action.

You are torturing your husband with this. (and your son by default). If you don't take some action, he may draw the end line himself.

Not looking for sympathy

Feeling kicked, beat down, ran over, and then thrown in the trash. Understandable.

Tired of seeing H hurting

so I am trying to do the right thing

And just for the record, there has been no contact with OM

And the books were just recommended reading to try to cheer me up

give me a little insight on understanding men and their needs.