clauzwife,

Please - you are NOT well schooled in MB principles, and you are not in a position to give advice on how to recover a marriage.

People CAN do the right thing and BE HAPPY. It is completely possible for this marriage to be

SAVED

and

FOR HER TO BE HAPPY.

It is possible for YOU to have the same thing.


The facts are that second marriages have a HIGHER divorce rate than first marriages - did you know that?

Because the very "advice" you just gave CIF - stinks.

If she takes your advice CW, she is doomed - because she will take the EXACT SAME PROBLEMS SHE HAS RIGHT NOW INTO HER NEXT RELATIONSHIP.

She will NOT solve the problem.

Neither will you - if you continue on the course you advise, then you are doomed to take the problems you have in the marriage you are in straight into the next marriage.

Not a recipe for success, is it???????


Because CIF, your marriage is in this condition because YOU made mistakes.

Certainly, your husband did, too.

But nothing your husband did or did not do justifies you having an affair.

And your affair did not SOLVE a single problem in your marriage, did it?


And it did not make you happy.

It made you "confused", headed for divorce, panicked, scrambling for solutions, and trying to figure out what the he// went wrong.

I don't see "happiness" there.


So, please ignore the "advice" given by the not-so-experienced clauzwife, CIF.

Take advice from those who have LOTS of posts. Those who give advice consistent with

MARRIAGE BUILDING.

And clauzwife - you will learn. Learn FIRST, then advise.

SB

LMAO Poor, POOR Girls. The big bad wolf came and got them.


Not on this site.



Really a cross between laughing and shaking my head on this one.

So apparently every kid out of a divorced family smokes crack and molestes people? NO!!!!!
Some people are very happy after a divorce and some kids are too. Just because you may not know of any one doesn't mean they are not out there. Not everyone gets it right the first time. Because you don't love your kids father does not mean that your feelings about your kids change. Grow up. We don't live in 1950 anymore.

People are going to pick and poke at you and just be strong. Everyone deserves second chances. Life involves making mistakes. And you can be a better person if you learn from them and don't repeat them. And admit to yourself that you made the mistake. It wasn't your husband that made it...it was you. If you try at your marriage it can really work out for you. You have to be committed to it though. Stop all contact with this OM because he is using you. I may not be giving the best advise since I am new to this website but I know what it feels like to be you. Not a good feeling or anything to be proud of. I hope that you came here for help and not for pity. I, just like you, made a mistake and we will have to live with that for the rest of our lives. I though intend to learn from my mistake and give my heart and soul back to my H because I am committing myself to my marriage and I hope that you could try and do the same.

Actually my FWH got hit by 2X4's on here just as bad as I did.




Umm lets clarify this. YOU owe it to your children to make your M work. oweing it to be happy? YOU owe your M a chance because of children. Coming from a broken family is not a plesant thing. There are MANY other ways to make yourself happy then just seperate. And at this point if CIF does seperate its a bad move. It shows that shes opening doors to NOT work on her M.


And at this point if CIF does seperate its a bad move. It shows that shes opening doors to NOT work on her M.

Nonsense, kids are not "very happy" having their family destroyed. Every study done on this has shown that children suffer severe psychological damage.

Not being "happy" is something you work to turn around, not something you destroy childrens lives over.

Wrecking the lives of little children for one's "happiness" teaches children that anything is acceptable to achieve "happiness." That is gross parental neglect to screw up kids with such an abominable lesson.

So she should be the next Elizabeth Taylor?????

No, she should not. I edited my posting because that did not come out right. I did not mean to say that. I know that she should try for her kids and that she can be happy again in her marriage if she dedicates herself to it. I was just trying to let her know that she is not alone out there.

CW,

She is here to BUILD HER MARRIAGE.

Moving out won't help that.

Getting a divorce is directly contraindicated.

The advice we will give her will help her

BUILD HER MARRIAGE

The same way we will help you build yours, if you read your thread.


Because you are new, I will give you a pass.

You are still in a wayward mindset. You don't understand the Harley concepts. Read them! They will help you and they will help CIF.

I promise. We are not steering CIF wrong.

It will NOT help her to tell her to leave her marriage to "be happy". Because she will NOT "be happy" - her story is so typical, and very soon, very very soon, she will realize that the OM in her fantasy story is a jerk, and that she loves her husband, and that her marriage

CAN BE SAVED
and
IT CAN BE HAPPY.

And, more importantly,

IT CAN BE BETTER THAN IT EVER WAS BEFORE. BETTER THAN SHE DREAMED.

Please - don't steer her wrong.

Because she will not be happy if she does not try to save her marriage.

I know this. All of us know it.

We have LIVED IT.

SB

SB, you are right. I apologize to anyone that I may have offended. I am still in the WW mindset to a degree. And new to this website. I still have a lot of reading to do. That is why I am here and hopefully that is why she is here too. For help from people like you who can make us realize that our marriages are worth saving. Help from people who have been through it means the world to me right now. Again, sorry for that first posting. We are not here to talk divorce...we are here to build marriages. I'll learn

Well, we have one convert! I am trying to help you on your thread, CW. I hand out 2X4's, but you need to read, and you can help your BH. Your marriage can be great. I promise.


CIF,
Shall we make it TWO?????


SB

Good job CW!

CIF we need to know where u stand? Are you really wanting to work on your M or are u gonna let it roll off your shoulder????

Trust me when SB and the others talk. I have learned alot between reading, reading, and more reading. And of coarse take action. You know that saying action speak louder then words!!!

Hi CIF,

Welcome to MB's. You will find advise from experienced posters here who have successfully saved their marriage and family from the destruction of adultery/divorce.

I wanted to talk to you about something you wrote in your first post:

"I met someone... who was just really nice to me.. He was kind of going thru the same stuff that i was... the emotional void at home, the lack of attention from his spouse, etc. So we started having an EA which led to a real affair. He makes me feel special, loved, beautiful ... it's not all about sex either, he tells me nice things, does nice things for me and makes me feel like i am 17 again."

The MAIN thing that you and this OP have in common is the 'emotional void' thing. And guess what? It is something that YOU and the OP are each lacking, each failing at putting into your own lives and your own marriages. What youhave in common is that neither of you knows how to build a satisfying marriage. So while it may seem satisfying for the two of you to be together for now, once the sparks die down (as they do in ALL relationships) you'll end up with an even more lifeless feeling relationship than the marriages you're destroying to be together.
That doesn't make much sense does it?

IF either of you knew how to make a marriage succeed, how to keep the feeling of being 'in love' alive within marriage, you would have done that with your respective spouses right?

It's just that old 'grass is greener' garbage.
Usually the grass isn't really greener, once you get a look at it close up, is it? (OK, sometimes the neighbor's grass really IS greener BUT that is BECAUSE more work has been put into it.)

What role did you play in keeping love alive in your marriage, both your love for your husband and his love for you? If you don't know how to do that, then you don't know how to do that - period.

Also, I saw a comment posted that not all children from broken homes turn out to be crack addicts... no they don't. But studies have shown that divorce is nowhere near as casualty-free as adulterers want to pretend it is.

My WXH tried to convince everyone that our daughters wouldn't be negatively affected by his adultery too.

One of our three daughters pretends he doesn't even exist most of the time. She's agreed to contact with him less than half a dozen times in the past 7 years! She quit skating, her passion, then quit going anywhere, then quit eating, bathing, brushing her teeth, sleeping, talking. She ended up hospitalized a couple of times for several months. She is still not back to normal, 7 years after her WF (Wayward Father) assured himself that she'd be just fine with him seeking cheap thrills with the OP.

Our youngest daughter started cutting herself. This continued off and on for a few years. She doesn't do that anymore but she has permanent scars on her wrists, ankles, shoulder. She also has anger issues now... and says she doesn't want to ever get married or have chldren (she used to play with baby dolls all the time pre-WF's adultery).

I NEVER would have believed it if somebody tried to tell me my daughters would have been so negatively affected by adultery/divorce. They WERE such happy, healthy girls.

And is my WXH happy now?
Was the suffering he put his own daughters through worth it?
Nope.
The OW dumped him for another man.

LOOK at your children!
Stop lying to yourself (and don't buy enabler's lies)
that surely your children won't mind much if you have some fun at their expense.

It is a lie that your only two choices are:

happines with the OM

unhappiness with your husband

The other two possibilities are:

happiness with your husband

unhappiness with the OM

Only ONE of the choices leads to a life of happiness and integrity.

Only ONE of the choices is what your children want and deserve.

You CAN turn 'unhappiness with your husband' into the ONE choice that will result in happiness for you, your husband, and your children. It's a popular theory (and adultery/divorce justification) that children are better off having their family torn apart vs the marriage/family staying together when one or both parents is unhappy... But that does not negate the FACT that the BEST thing for the children is to have the parents stay together and CREATE a marriage that is happy for both parents.

'Happiness with the OM' WILL turn into 'unhappiness with the OM'

MOST adulteries end, and so do most 2nd marriages.
Do you know WHY that is?
Because what adulterers have in common is their cluelessness in how to build a strong fullfilling relationship AND their lack of integrity, their giving themselves permission to ignore their responsibilities in favor of some fun.

Really, adulterers may as well place personal ads that say:
"I'm the sort of person who is selfish, immature, and puts my own pleasure before my concern for my children. If you're the same way, let's get together and be 'soulmates'... for a while... til one of us gets bored"

So you don't FEEL 'in love' with your husband anymore... so what? It is your responsibility to fix that and to provide your children a loving, stable family, to not destroy their family just so you can (TEMPORARILY) get a feel-good buzz from adultery. It is your responsibility to learn how to get your needs met from your husband, within your marriage. Pretending you can only feel loved by the OM is a lie. It's just that it's so much less work for you to let OM make you feel good, isn't it?

One of the best posts ever. Excellent points that should be "pinned", MM.

So, CIF, are you willing to come back and do some hard work? You will get a lot of help here. It might be of the "tough love" variety, but it will be welll worth it!

MELODYLANE

WHY WOULD I TELL MY KIDS ?? THEY ARE 11 & 7. MY KIDS WOULD NOT UNDERSTAND ANY OF IT. AND YES MY PARENTS KNOW WHAT I AM DOING.

AND MY HUSBAND KNOWS ABOUT THE AFFIAR...

I AM NOT DANGEROUS TO MY CHILDREN, I PROVIDE FOR MY CHILDREN, TAKE CARE OF MY CHILDREN AND THEY ARE IN NO DANGER AT ALL.

YOU ARE THE ONE WHO REFERENCES BLOWJOBS AND DRUGS IN YOUR PREVIOUS REPLIES. MY KIDS ARE NOT IN ANY SITUATIONS WHERE ANY OF THIS COULD HAPPEN NOR WOULD ANYONE IN MY LIFE ALLOW.

KEEPITREAL...

LET ME REPHRASE MY STATEMENT ABOUT THE EA. WE HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR 7 YEARS, NO CONTACT THAT WAS OUT OF LINE. WE RAN INTO EACH OTHER AT A CLUB IN SEPT 07, AND WE KISSED, BUT AFTER THAT THERE WAS NO CONTACT OF ANY SORT TIL JAN 08. WE WERE JUST FRIENDS AND NOTHING MORE TIL JAN 08.

YES HE IS TELLING ME TO STAY WITH MY HUSBAND...

Sounds like a great guy to me

CLAUZWIFE. I WOULD LOVE A PRIVATE MESSAGE WITH YOU. THANK YOU FOR BEING THE ONE PERSON SO FAR WHO KIND OF UNDERSTANDS MY SITUAITON.

Um, I think everyone here understands your situation.

CIF,

You don't have to tell your kids, but do not be blind to think they don't "understand" what is going on. And even if they don't NOW they will at some point. Kids KNOW that is not right for mommy to have a boyfriend. They KNOW that is not right for mommy to kiss someone other than their dad.

and when they become adults and get married, they will follow in the examples of their mommy, who taught them well. Don't believe me???? Ask my sis.

My mom had an affair 20 yrs ago. She took me and my sis around the OM, whom we were told was "just a friend". Well, when at 12 I saw mom passionately kissing the "friend", it was very confusing to say the least. I knew it was wrong but what was I, a 12 yr old supposed to do??? Well, my sis was 9 and she overheard me telling a friend, and she let my mom have it. Accused her of loving "friend" more than dad, of destroying our family......mom ended it after that....

and what happened 20yrs later??? Sis had an affair...so NO you are not teaching your children MORAL OR VALUES in your behavior. Yes, they are in absolute DANGER when mommy does not teach them right from wrong........It may not be from the physical DANGER but the emotional and mental DANGER, yes YOU HAVE PUT THEM IN HARMS WAY....

Oh, and if you think this no big deal, you can ask MY 11 yr. old what she thinks of what her dad did. She KNOWS because of overhearing us....same with 14 yrs. old. You can see how awful it is to see your childrens pain when they rage how their dad didn't want his family, that COW was more important than THEM, that it makes them sick what he is doing......

And remember all of this one day when your blissful "fantasyland" bubble bursts and your are left to see the carnage of what YOU have done.....

not2fun

ps...my WS affair is over and now he is left with trying to regain his childrens trust and love and RESPECT.....