Eeyore


Well, there was a lot of stressing on not letting him know. I'm not sure how to evict him without letting him to know - plus he's legally entitled to be here.

He did promise he would leave but has backed off that statement. It seems the only way is for me to go. I've asked him twice to leave.


I would prefer to stay but I can't afford the mortgage so it would be better to put me in some cheap housing.

Mys

It is hard to confront a man who blames everything on you. I would not be able to either. I might try by howling and showing I am in pain due to his choices. And telling him of all my pain he has wrought on me. but if that man is cold as ice about it or blames me then confrontattion will be useless.

Well, if you attempt to confront the monster and see how he responds, if he blames you,, etc, it at least may show you what kind of monster he really is. This alone might be a good thing as it could force you out of this bad marriage. I am looking on the bright side.

Nia,


They explained that there weren't inpatient facilities for my problems I'd have to go out of city or possibly out of state. They also said that I'm way to high functioning to keep a bed for too long.


Yes they do see me as capable. They are trying to work on that part. They are VERY aware of the suicide risk I am. I had to call in to check with my IC daily for a while.


True but neither is flopping around in a flurry of motions that don't have any sequential sense.

Mys

OK-- So the way I see it here, we have two choices. Let me know which one you want to proceed with.

1. We find a way to get H out of the house. When you asked him to leave in the past-- how/when did you ask him? Was it something you said during an emotional meltdown, or something you said firmly and with strength? Is it possible he just wasn't taking you seriously?

1a. If indeed you want to try to stay in the house, I think we should try that FIRST. No, you can't legally evict him. But it can't hurt to TRY, right? What's the worst he says... he won't leave? OK, so then we go to the other plan-- you leaving.

1b. Have you looked into the laws of your state? Are you comfortable telling people what state you are from? I know there's many people that know a lot about the law and legal separation, etc. You may be able to legally force him to pay part of the mortgage, etc (or he may just agree to keep paying on his own!)

2. If you are leaving, I would HIGHLY suggest you find a friend or family member to stay with-- AND DON'T TELL H WHERE YOU ARE GOING! Do you have someone you can stay with? What about your finances? Do you have joint accounts-- how will you pay for things once you are out of the house?

ETA: Oh, and either way you are gonna need a plan B letter... so start on that, and post here, and people will help you edit. Might as well start there too... no matter what, we are going to need that!

Lets start there...

E.

MEDC,

What do you mean by university based Dr's? My IC has a Ph.D in psychology and specialized in sexual abuse and PTSD. My Psychiatrist is a full medical Dr.

Mys

MYS I just got a thought. Perhaps, in your husband's eyes, you are like a favorite pet he owns.

Sure he likes this pet, hey, he has owned it a long time. If it ran away or died he would miss it...for a few months.

His life is accustomed to being around this pet.

*But all this has nothing to do with romance. You never romance a favorite pet. You dont have to worry about dating, sleeping with people, or flirting with others. Why? Because you are not cheating on your favorite pet! The PET has no say in your doing whatever it is that you want.

When he married you, perhaps it was as if he just adopted (for life) his most favorite pet. (He has no more regard for you than a pet he is kind to and affectionate with.) So therefore in his mind, he can sleep with other women, have sex with others, and have a life apart from his life with you, his favorite pet. People do not center thier lives or thier lovelives around thier favorite pets!

You, like a favored pet, are always around for him. He has to give little or nothing to you to keep you around. He loves you as a person would love a pet. He likes you around and is kind to you. That is it. Otherwise, he goes after romance somewhere else.

Maybe you are and have been in the PET category with your husband. That is why he has no guilt going for other women to have sex with and relationships with. After all, you cannot have sex with a favored pet, you have to go out dating to get sex.

A university based doctor would be a physician with roots in a teaching institution....think Hopkin's, University of PA (a few close to me). What part of the country are you in that they do not offer inpatient care???

Universities usually are up to date with the latest psychological knowledge and research, equipment and techniques, where drs that are not currently affiliated with a university are sometimes not privvy to this information for awhile. University based Drs are usually on the cutting edge-- that's why when someone has a serious illness or rare illness you always hear it being treated by Dr. so-and-so at some well known University-- not some random "center" that's not affiliated with a University.

Plus Universities have the support system of all of the different specailties in one place, and the opportunity for doctors to more easily consult one another.

Its just a better system, if possible.

(I work in the medical research department of a major university...)

E.

Not sure where you are in the midwest, but here is a link that you could look at..and go from and find your own state resources, they have a link to the various state laws..

Kansas Divorce Laws and Resources

This state even has legal separation..



I realize child custody issues would not be a problem so you wouldn't need to deal with that..

Mysch,

I was with a con artist/master deceiver who led secret lives, too. I was one of his secret lives and his married life was secret from me as well, and apparently he had had many, and many wives as well.

I know what it is like to live in hell.

What finally changed things for me was that he left. And in a way that was so cruel and heartless I thought I was going to die. And even then I still had hope/desire.

But I called Dr. Harley and he asked me to go six months without any contact at all and then to call him and he would help me. He knew that I couldn't think clearly until six months of no contact whatsoever. I thought okay, and then I will get him back.

I swear at that time even my daughter's unhappiness wasn't enough of a catalyst to get me to get rid of him once and for all.

During that six months there were times I almost went to see him, but I would come here and run it by the forum. I wanted to drop his garbage off at the island property he talked me into giving him and Pep told me that might be just a reason to see him, so I didn't.

Somewhere during that time and lots of weekends of not being able to get out of bed except to post here and work, I made the decision to get over him. The decision for happiness.

That is what it took. The decision, and once that was made every thing just kind of fell into place.

And now after a couple of years and a new marriage I am renewing old friendships, friendships I had let end because I was so depressed/unhappy I couldn't bare to see the people I used to know. And my daughter is so happy. She is thriving.

I wish like hell he would leave you. I have such an idea of what you are going through and I know how hard life can be when you are with a man capable of the things your husband and my ex are.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and keep posting. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, you just keep heading for it. I know cuz I've been there.

I wish you six months of no contact with him whatsoever, and then reevaluate. That would the gift that would change everything for you.

Get a really good plan to get those six months. That is the plan you need.

Edited to add, that when you are with someone that you think are someone else, and all of it has been one big deception it takes a very long time to see him for what he really is. For me it took probably five years to come to the full realization of what /who I was dealing with.

Somethings you don't try to fix, some things you just get away from.

I don't really believe in evil, but if it did have a face, and for me it would be my ex. You can name it addictions, personality disorder, flawed character or whatever you want, but the bottom line is that it doesn't matter. What matters is getting away from it.

As Noodle and Appy have said, these types of people leave nothing but confusion and chaos in their wake. That is I believe Dr. Peck's definition of evil.

Get away from him. I have a feeling after that you will soon be walking on the sunny side of the street.

Stella,


For some reason everything seems hard these days. Thanks.

Mys

Ark,


True, and he's been my sole source of support while going through school. I will be hired in August but I don't know what kind of health package they have.


Legally?

Mys

catperson,


Yeah, I really don't see that as a viable option atm.


We moved here fairly recently. I don't know anyone I could ask and my family would be the last set of people on the planet I'd ask.

Mys

medc,


I wouldn't even begin to know what to ask them to do if I went... to be totally honest. Do I just show up at the door and say "Fix me?"

(ps. I don't mean this in a snarky way, I'm totally being honest here. Daunting is the right word.)
Mys

Stella,

You really have a gift for summing things up.

Mys

eeyoree,


No emotional meltdown but a serious "I want this" conversation.

He took me seriously enough but wanted to give it more time. It doesn't help my case that I'm not getting advocacy about it from the MC.


Maybe this can be what the confrontation is about.


No - I've mentioned I'm from KS.

The thing is that I've been going to school and living off his income this entire time. The job I am getting sort of dropped in my lap. ALL of our finances are completely combined and I manage them. If I leave the house, there is no way I can take that many files with me. He'll have to do it.


I have no one to stay with so that is out of the question. I'll just have to make it alone. I have no idea what to do about the accounts, they're all joint. I don't know how I'll pay for things once I leave.

I have no idea how I will pay for things if HE leaves. Out of my salary, I would guess.


Ok, that will take some time to figure out.

Mys

To be honest, I have no intention of taking him to the cleaners. There are a few things I want (my computers, little stuff) but he can have the rest of it lock, stock and barrel.

I just want to get away. I'll find some way to support myself.

It might just be easier if I DO move out. At least I know he can support the household (minus one) on what he makes).

Mys

Quote:
I can't help but to worry that dragging this out for so long isn't
helping you at all.


True but neither is flopping around in a flurry of motions that don't have any sequential sense.

Mys
******************************************

??? what did you mean by that?
of course that doesn't make any sense....it's not like they are the only choices.....you are starting to put a plan together.

Personally, I can not fathom living w/ a husband who was so blatant about his extra-curricular sexual behavior...I think L's attitude would make MY decision easy.....even w/ children and no income of my own.

Why don't you ask L to check into an inpatient SA facility?

Please make sure you get a lawyer to look out for your interests. You need to make sure that you do not give him everything. This is one of the actions that will help lead you out of your depression. Taking care of yourself. And taking care of yourself in part means taking financial responsibility in getting what is rightfully yours.


A legal separation is NOT a divorce, but will help in protecting your interests. You are not in an emotional state of mind right now to be able to make this type of decisions (that all you want are a few small items).

But getting away from him is the first and most important decision to be sure.

I just want to get away. I'll find some way to support myself.

It might just be easier if I DO move out. At least I know he can support the household (minus one) on what he makes).
***************************

It doesn't sound like YOU are too concerned about the suicide risk it you are living alone.

If you really do not care about the house etc....why not find a small apartment. You do the finances...you know what you can afford and you certainly deserve to take some $$ to set yourself up.