I saw this a couple days ago and wanted to respond to you...but I was busy with the lumber on zen...LOL! But I have been where she is and a little (OK, BIG) can of the butt-whoop sure helped me, soooo...

You know, there are not many FWSs here, and I wanted to ask you to tell you story if you would be so kind. You do not realize how much it helps everyone on this board to hear from FWSs....I look at it as repaying the people who have helped me and my husband...SAVED our M, really. I will never be able to thank them enough!

You seem like you have really begun to come out of the fog, and I applaud the attitude you have shown in the post above. Please share with us!

Hi KMS! Welcome to Marriage Builders!

I second LaLa's request for your story...I'm also a FWW, and would be glad to help you in any way that I can...

Pull up a chair, make yourself at home...This place is a GODSEND for people recovering from infidelity...Glad you are here!

Mrs. W

I'm still available to open up a can.....

Hi Resonance,
thank you for getting in touch with me.I dont have a computer at where I am staying but when I get I chance I will post you my full story.Will try this afternoon.Just wanted to touch base.

Very cool!!

I will be here most of the afternoon and hope you get a chance to post!

ok here it goes.....

The try to keep it short version.I HAD A AFFAIR.
Back a couple of monthes ago the wheels seemed to fall off our marriage,at least in my eyes. I felt lonely and instead of trying to talk to my BS I turned to someone else.It started off as small talk,(we were old friends) then proceeded to a PA. I didnt have the balls to tell my BS about any of it until he caught me in another town with the XOM and I admitted to one time then.That was again a lie.We tried to reconcil but under false pretences as I hadnt told BS EVERYTHING.During this time was hard b/c one I hadnt come clean,and two I ws getting a roller coaster ride of my life from BS.I understand that I killed him inside and was trying everything else (except tell the truth)to confort him.He was very mean and cruel in the way he would say things to me and yes once again when he said its time for you to leave again I contacted the XOM.I felt at the time I had no where else to turn to.What a dunb mistake ,I kick myself everyday for that ONE phone call,and then meeting up with him.
fastforward....
My BS wanted my phone records,at first I said no but I did give them to him.He proceeded to call the XOM and he "told him the truth".(I do not know what XOM said exactly but he definetly exagerated on a few things that he told BS).It was more than once.The next day there was a RO on me and I was no longer allowed back in my own house.When I got arrested my whole world collapsed (as did I)what a kick in the teeth knowing my husband had a part of this.But once I got myself together it made me realize that I WAS THE ONE WHO CREATED THE MAN BEHIND THIS.If I hadnt been so selfish and turned to him in the first place none of this would have happen.hind sight.....

KMS

I have a few questions about your story.

How long was the affair?

How long have you been married?

Do you have any kids?

And why were you arrested???

NO judgements here just trying to get the big picture.

How long was the affair?
about a month and a half.
How long have you been married?

we have been together for about 6 years and married for 1 1/2.
No kids in the picture except our dog.
And why were you arrested???
well,we had gotten into it after BS called XOM and I left only to get a text stated that all my stuff was in the dumpster out front(we live in a new development and lots of construction going on)I then turned around and went back to the house to retrive my stuff.It was not outside but upstairs in the bedroom in garbage bags.Going down the stairs he gave me a light shove with one of the bags.I did nothing.Standing in the garage he said some nasty things and I left again.Came back (was trying to get the dog)and I was trying to get in the house and he was trying to push me out,I threatened to call the cops to have a escort let me in my own house but he instead calls 911 and hangs up.They call back he doesnt answer.They are going to show up.They did and when I was trying to get back in the house I scratched him with my fingernail or ring not sure.The cops seen it and asked if I did it.He said yes and with zero tolerance for violence I got arrested.But what I cant understand is the cops told me that the complaintant has to press charges and my husband said he didnt.Regardless that doesnt matter,court was on Thusrday and they dropped the charges b/c my BS showed up for court .

OK, SO...

Let me see how much of this I have got straight...

No kids, 1 dog
Together about 7-9 years, married 1 1/2 years
Having problems in the M (be more specific) since...March???
Started as EA and moved to PA in...April??
PA lasted 6 weeks

Questions:
Would this be--a 6-week PA plus the additional time when you were kicked out, or is that included?
Are you back home now? If so, for how long?
Did they drop the RO?
How long have you maintained NC with OM?
Have you written the NC letter?

The first thing to do is call Dr. Harley if you can afford it..if not, read everything you can on this site. Especially the articles on surviving infidelity. Read His Needs, Her Needs and Lovebusters for starters (you can get them at the library). At the same time, read as many of the BSs stories as you can. It will help you understand the level of the pain you have inflicted, which I think you are beginning to understand.

Where are you emotionally? How willing are you to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to repair this M? What are your ages?

OK, enough for now...

Good questions not that clear was I.The whole thing was only app. 6 weeks long,including EA.PA didnt last that long.When I was on RO I spoke to XOM the day after it was put in place for about 5 min. and havnt since then.He has tried to contact me twice over the phone but I didnt answer.I made the choice to nev
er have contact with him again.Been app.3 weeks now with NC
I am not back at home yet,we are taking it one day at a time.Have been spending alot of time here though.
Yes the RO has been dropped.

My BS and I did the phone sessions last week separately.WOW it ws very intense but it really helped to open my eyes at how selfish I was being.I have put into place a plan that I am going to stick no matter what.I am willing to do this no matter what.
me-34
bs-33

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone on here.I have not made many posts on here,but have done a TON of reading and found it very helpful.
This is just a hug to everyone out there...THANK YOU for being here.

Calling KMS!

Come back!

E.

Hi there eeyoree!!


Thanks for tracking me down.I heard you were looking for me...jk.I do not hardly post on here,but I have done a lot of reading .Dont always feel comfortable (or am so good with words)spewing my thoughts for everyone to read...however I have gained alot by reading others thoughts and the processes they going through.. go figure.


I have been writing in a journal and have found it to be very helpful.
If you have any questions or thoughts for me I would love to answer them.

A update for you all


Last time I posted Ihad a RO on me but that has been since dropped(thank you to my BS).I moved back home and been working very hard at my plan.We have since sold our house and moved to a different town.I have also given my notice at my current job and axcepted a new one in the new town we are in.The reason for this is there may be a chance of contact at my current job(Iwork in retail).In order to put my BS mind at ease this was the only choice.I will admit I was a little scared at going out and looking for a new job(my self esteem was VERY low)but I sent out Two resumes and got two job offers!!!!That day felt really good,I realized that I am a good hard working person and can do anything I put my mind to.



I am still in IC every two weeks and have been working on myself and how to improve and change my habits.(will admit I have fallen a few times but BS has called me on them,for that I am grateful).When you have been selfish all your life you cant change that in a day.


I do have a question though.How do I handle my BS when he gets "triggered"?I am not so good with the words and it seems when I do say something its either not the right thing or not what he wants to hear.So as of late I simply hug him or hold him,but it just doesnt seem to be enough(he may not think so but I feel that way).Just wondering what others have done or are doing when this comes about.
thanks

KMS,

Oh, the triggers! Born of the devil, they are.
You seem to understand that they are very painful to your BH. Indeed, they are. They will fade in time. Took me over a year, and I can still get them, but they don't stab as deeply anymore. He will get there too. In the meantime, about the only thing you can do is what you're doing--hold him; tell him you're sorry (you can't say that too much--impossible). Ask him if there's anything you can do. Your understanding of his pain is what he needs when he triggers, and your expression of heartfelt REMORSE. Do you know how many BS's would give their right arm to hear an expression of remorse? DO IT.

Hang on. The roller coaster DOES slow down. Eventually.

RHW

KMS,

Good to see you back! I am glad you are on the right path now to recovery. In my sitch, the greatest way to be there for your BH is to try your very best to understand the level of pain he is feeling. Put yourself in his shoes often. Obviously, we cannot fully understand, because we are on the other side of the fence, but we can TRY... Let him know that you will be there for him whenever he needs you. You have done quite a bit in the last few weeks to prove you are serious and that you are worthy of a second chance.

The triggers are just something that you have to work through together. Find out what they are and what you can do to eliminate those that are within your control. Find out what his top ENs are and fill them every chance you get...and spend the 15 hours a week together- no R&A talks, just fun- it is extremely important.

Beyond that--TIME. That's all you can do is give it time!

Hey KMS----

I had been talking with intro recently, and had been struck by how similar it seems he is to my H, and how our sitches are similar.

I am the FWW also-- and my H also had an RA. We also have no children, and have only been married a brief time (3 years).

I'll try to post a bit more to you later...

How are you doing, emotionally with all of this? With his RA? It seems you have come a really long way, and I think its great that you are switching jobs and moving. That seems like it will help a lot.

The triggers are hard to deal with. I know what you mean. Sometimes I feel like there's nothing you can say or do to make it better and no matter what you say or do... its the wrong thing. Its frustrating, and makes you feel awful and guilty, but something we have to deal with.

E.

Good to know that I am not the only one who doesnt seem to know how to handle the triggers.Maybe I will ask BS what I can do differently.


As far as his RA I try not to think of it b/c he says its not important in the big scheme of things.I have asked him questions about it and no problems in answering them.He almost seemed happy to tell me.It does bug me at times but I have bigger things to worry about not his ONS.



Emotionally I have been pretty strong, I worry more about him and how he is than myself.Dont get me wrong I have my moments.We have taken on the look out as "one day at a time" and seems to be working.


Tonight will be our third session with the Harleys.Sounds silly but I am excited about it.

[quote]
As far as his RA I try not to think of it b/c he says its not important in the big scheme of things.I have asked him questions about it and no problems in answering them.He almost seemed happy to tell me.It does bug me at times but I have bigger things to worry about not his ONS.[quote]

OK, so HE says its not important-- how do you feel about it? Honestly? I understand both of you are on the boards, and that sometimes makes honestly on both people's part a little hard... I guess I sense that you are apprehensive to post your truth in fear of hurting intro's feelings or hindering recovery. I know sometimes I have little outbursts here that I would never want H to read or to see-- and I have them here because I know he can't see them and won't see them. I use it to get me back on track,

I think you are doing great-- you are putting him first, you are meeting his ENs, etc etc. I just REALLY don't want to see you two fall into the trap me and my H have fallen into (see my thread) and I am currently trying to dig myself out of-- I've let my guilt make me into a doormat with him, and also have accepted responsibility for his RA-- which he now entirely places on my shoulders with the argument of "if you wouldn't have... I wouldn't have...." (which was how I ended up talking to intro in the first place. That line of logic stuck out to me like a sore thumb because its my H's line of logic too!). I see a lot of my H in intro.

Counseling with the Harley's IS fun! It is like planning out your future-- and its a good one! Unfortunately, I haven't been able to convince H to join me in counseling with them. So you've got a huge leg up on me there!

Good luck, and keep us updated.

E.

Today I feel like curling up into a ball and crying for the rest of the day.Last night we did our third session with Jennifer and talked about EN and spending 20 minutes a night together to talk about each others day.After supper I went upstairs and sat on the couch to do our 20 minutes.FAILED!!!It was aweful!I was really trying,but he had no heart in it at all.He said he has the feeling of just giving up....

I know that we wouldnot be in this situation if it wasnt for my selfishness,lying,backstabbing,cheating ways but I am trying so hard to make this work!!!!!


Just down