My wife left 3 months ago and we have 2 great kids and she took them with her.. I was trying to do what ever I can to save the marriage and she wasnt trying at all. My fault was not meeting her ENs.. She moved away far and now she says that she thinks a divorce is the best thing for us. I disagree but she is still sticking to it.. She has been spreading lies to her family about me and our marriage, I think she was and is trying to justify taking the kids so far away.. The good thing is her aunt called me and told me some stuff and I told her the truth and also gave her my bank statements to show that i have been paying her for the kids which she tells them all that she hasnt recaved a penny from me.. NOw her aunt has the statements which is good and it will show her that she lied..
I really dont want to fight with her and I took all of my responsibility for the problems i have caused and never blamed anything on her. she was a good wife.. I also have been seeing a marriage counseler for 3 months now.. How and if possible can I save this marriage.. Im still in love with her..

justlost,

I'm sorry you are here. It sounds like you're in a great deal of pain. I've been through a lot trying to save my marriage too.

The only advice I can give you is to remain strong and true to yourself. I hear in your post, an accepting of more than your share of blame for the problems in the marriage. I recognize this because I did this too. Please try and remember that 50% of the responsibility is yours, and 50% is hers.

Take good care of yourself and decide what it is that you want. Do you want to save the marriage? If so, then do not file for divorce. Only you can decide what's right for you.

Remember, when people feel threatened or afraid, they will do and say almost anything to justify their actions. You're wife's statements to her family are understandable, if you look at it from the standpoint of fear. She likely afraid that she'll be pressured into going back into the M or worse yet, she'll not have their support, which at this time, I'm certain she really needs.

Be patient. Think about being still and calm in a storm. Easier said than done, I know, but hang in there.

- TTM

WHAT????

YES! File for divorce! Right now! Not because you want a divorce, but to protect your rights with regard to the kids at the very least!!!

I'm sorry TTM, but your advice is absolutely terrible! He has no chance of reconciling with his W as long as she's so far away. She had no right to arbitrarily up and move away with their children.

He needs to file right now and get under the protection of the court system. Force her to move back so that at the very least, he won't lose his kids.

WTF IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE??? That people still think, in this day and age, that fathers have no rights w/re regard to their children. It's disgusting and just kills things for the rest of us.

Something else to consider... The longer she stays gone without him making a big fat stink, the easier her case for staying away is. As long as he dithers and waffles, she can tell the courts that he wasn't really all that concerned with her being gone with the kids.

STOP DELAYING AND SEE AN ATTORNEY ASAP!!!

Seabird, I see your point.. But i still want to try to fix this.. Of course I want my kids in my life but I also want them to grow up with mom and dad in the same house.. I want it to work out and I just need help on what I can do..Im having a hard time accepting this that it may be over or that its over in her head already.. I read that when there are kids involved that you should not call it quits for one year.. if by then it doesnt change then do it.. I dont know what to do..... I just need her to realize what she is doing to our family.. She is staying busy where she is at so she doesnt have to deal with it..

I call my kids every night and I send them every dollar I have, and I keep all the records just in case.. I document everything.. Just hope it doesnt go that far..

Don't believe me. Talk to an attorney. Going in for a consultation isn't filing.

BUT YOU NEED TO PROTECT YOUR RIGHTS!!!!!!

And you need to understand that your W isn't anywhere remotely on the same page as you are right now. There is clearly something very, very, very wrong if she's willing to totally uproot and flee with the kids. Maybe you beat the crap out of her. Maybe she's crazy. I don't know.

But what I do know is that you've got almost ZERO chance of recovery with her hundreds or thousands of miles away. And your lack of action and tacit willingness to be separated from your kids can and probably will be used to paint you as a disconnected father.

Sending them money and talking to them on the phone every night ain't gonna cut it my friend. Unless you're willing to step up and take concrete measures to protect your relationship with your kids, then you're at risk of losing far more than your marriage.

I know it sucks. I've been there, done that. It's hard to face. But face it you must. This is being done to you already. You need to protect yourself first. Then you can worry about salvaging your M if at all possible.

No, Never touched her, she went to her where her supprot is, back where she is from and her family and friends are there when she was little..

If you file, that doesn't mean the divorce has to be final.

It does put you in the drivers seat for many things, and it can also put you in a position to petition the court for a temporary custody order.

While it's not kidnapping, I don't think a judge would look too kindly on her unilaterally taking the kids and telling lies about you.

So you can actually file for divorce and this gives you some control over the clock and the pace at which things happen. It gives you the advantage that you can slow down the divorce proceedings, as she would have to respond to you.

So there is some measure of control of what is happening if you are the one to file.

Filing doesn't mean that you have to divorce. It may get her attention, or not.

I would consult an attorney and choose one who will work with you on your goal to actually save the marriage.

Lawyers work for you. So if you tell the laywer you choose that your goal is to save the marriage and you want to use every legal means at your disposal to do this, they have to work for your interests.

If they are not interested in doing this, then choose a qualified lawyer who is.

So she put her need for emotional support (as a result of her own choice to leave) ahead of the best interests of the kids (being near both parents in a volatile time).

Yes, she is entirely fair and rational. I see no reason why a long distance reconciliation isn't likely.

C'mon now... Stop thinking emotionally and start thinking rationally.

One other thing to consider is if she moved out of state. It's possible that if she is out of state, that state may be more advantageous for her in terms of getting a quick divorce, etc.

So if that's the case, I'd research the laws of each state, and if your location makes for a slower divorce, etc, file just to have the advantage of a slower time-table. There may be other things such as a more favorable standing for custody.

While you still don't want a divorce, it may just take the reality of what divorce will cost her to have her consider a different path.

After reading what Seabird says, I have to agree with him. If you want to protect your rights with your kids, and give yourself the best shot at being with them on a regular basis, then I would file, from the standpoint of your kids.

Sorry, I was forgetting the kids in my advice to you, I was thinking about the M, and relationship. You can always get remarried, or reconcile, even after filing for D, but you'll have a much harder time getting visitation and custody if you don't act now.

File, and ask for everything under the sun. Stop sending her any money, until the court orders you to do so.

Prepare yourself for some flack from her and her family, it's expected, just understand you've got to protect yourself and your right to be with your children.

Listen to SB,

- TTM

YES!

And TTM mentioned something VERY important that I forgot. STOP sending her money! Not one thin dime!!! Get under the protection of the courts. She can actually be on the hook for abandonment by just running off. Maybe YOU could get custody then she'd have to pay YOU CS. You never know.

Everyone tells me the same thing to stop with the money, and i understand.. the only thing with that is I'm afraid that my kids will suffer.. she has no job or nothing.. so if I don't send her money my kids will be suffering.. i grew up very very poor.. I'm from Europe and we had nothing..I got my first pair of shoes when i was 6.. and i always said I would never let my kids go without anything. so the money if its court ordered or not I have to send money to my kids.. i just hope that she uses it for the right things.. I'm not a vengeful person at all.. I would never do anything to hurt her even in this situation.. I'm still stuck on making it work.. Am I just stupid???

I don't know if you're stupid or not. You're acting very dangerously and naive and, well... Kind of stupid at this moment. Stop giving her money. This is not about vengeance. It's about enabling her very, very bad behavior.

You claim to be loyal and giving to your kids, but you won't do anything to protect your relationship with them. They are suffering right now not being with you. They have been torn away from their home and taken hundreds of miles away. They miss you and want to be with you and all you do is stand there looking sad and crying.

DO SOMETHING!!! PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN!!! GET THEM BACK!!! You are not protecting them. You are helping their mother destroy your family. You are helping her keep them away from you!!!

PRIORITIES!!! Stop focusing on the marriage for 2 minutes and work on getting your kids back. That should be the most important thing in the world right now.

Your wife is going to file for divorce in another state. She will keep the kids and you will only get to see them once or twice a year. She will marry another man and they will call him daddy, and you'll just be that nice man they have to go visit every once in a while.

And you helped her do it all. You gave her money. You didn't protect your rights. You just stood there and cried about wanting your marriage back. Everybody told you what to do and you just stood and cried.

Is that what you want to look back on??? Is that the regret you want to carry with you for the rest of your life?

EDIT: God help me, I'm starting to sound like Stellakat.

Seabird, you are right.. 100% right.. but how do I know that my kids wont go without? And what I want to look back on is that I tried to do everything I can to save my marriage and my family.. So I can tell my kids that their dad did everything he could to try.. oh and she told me to file for divorce here so it can get done fast.. she said she wants to move on with her life..

One other thing... Is she from another country as well? If so, that something else to be worried about. You need to make sure that she can't flee the country with the children. Take them someplace where US courts have no jurisdiction. She has to get a signed affidavit from you in order to leave the country.

TALK TO A LAWYER!!! Stop the dithering and get busy!!!

no she is from here..

I understand you wanting your kids to know you did everything you could. I said the exact same thing. THE EXACT SAME THING.

But you can't make your wife do anything. YOU went to marriage counseling. And when she stole them away from you, you want to say that you fought to have her bring them back. Don't let them look back and say, "Mom took us away, and dad didn't do anything."

Do you think your wife is saying nice things about you? She's already lying to her own family about you neglecting them and not sending money. Why would she be honest with the kids? And where are you to defend yourself. To tell them your side of the story? Your hundreds of miles away.

You're only helping her, and hurting your kids and yourself.

Your kids won't go without. They still have their mother and her family during the time being. They won't go hungry or go without shoes. The courts can force her to come back and face the situation too. Not run off like some spoiled little schoolgirl who thinks she's the center of the universe.

If you're that worried about it, go get them. Get on a plane and take them away from her. Get a court order and go get them. She took them, and she has no means to provide for them.

Talk to a lawyer and find out what you can do! Stop crying about wanting to be married to a selfish shrew who only thinks of herself and DO THE RIGHT THING FOR YOUR KIDS!!! Be the man in the family.