My WH wrote this letter and I don't know if I am satisfied with it. Please advise me on whether or not I should send it as it is...

___OW___

I am writing to let you know I will no longer have anything to do with you. I am sorry that I had any kids with you it was the BIGGEST mistake of my life and I regret it very much. I NEVER loved you and didn't mean it when I said it.

___BS___ did not deserve to be treated that way and I am going to make it up to her for the rest of my life. She is a better woman then you are and will always be. I do not want anything to do with you or your kids EVER!!!

I love ___BS___, ___BS&WH C___, __BS&WH C____ and will never leave them for someone like you EVER. STAY AWAY FROM US!

Is your WH father to children to the OW?

It should also say in someway.
Do not contact me via phone,text,e-mail or in any other way.

Very complicated situation... He may or may not be. In the process of getting court to undo ROP's and order DNA testing. WH states that OW harassed and talked him into signing ROP's about 9 months ago. Said she would NEVER file for CS if he signed and would never bother him again. WH states that they may be his but not 100% sure. They do not resemble his other children or family at all. A good freind of mine said that the older one is probably her brothers child. WH also stated that one reason he signed ROP's because he never wanted me to find out about A. WHAT A MESS!!!! May 10, 2008 is D-Day for me. Child support papers came in the mail that day. WH is very angry at OW and at himself. He claims to have ended A in 2006. He is now forced into having to have contact again.

My H is a "man of few words." I think that his comment "STAY AWAY FROM US" was meant to mean "Do not contact." I agree with what you say. I know the OW and she's a few cards short of a deck. Ignorant enough to probably not get it. H wrote the letter and I hate to ask him to change it when I never thought he would write it in the first place.

I would take this out. If he isn't sure if this child(ren) is his, then why admit it in a letter to OW?

I would take the part about the kids out too. If he ends up being their father and later in life OW shows them that he called them 'the biggest mistake of his life' this could cause irreparable damage to them. Remember, the children did not ask to be dragged into this ridiculous situation...they are very innocent victims here. They have enough baggage with OW as their mom.

maybe I'm missing something, but what is the point of critiquing the letter if you are not going to use the information gathered to rewrite the letter? Seems like a waste of time on both sides.

I am no expert and I haven't a clue what your situation is but I'm a little concerned that the letter sounds as if he wrote it in a fit of anger, rather than with rational thought. It is simply poisonous. I'm not saying an OP doesn't deserve venom, but it may not be taken as seriously or worse, he can later say he wrote it in a fit of rage and he really doesn't mean it.

See what I mean here (my comments in italics):

I am writing to let you know I will no longer have anything to do with you. This is vague but ok I am sorry that I had any kids with you it was the BIGGEST mistake of my life and I regret it very much. What would happen if she saved this letter and the kids eventually saw it? I NEVER loved you and didn't mean it when I said it. This sounds like what a WS says to a BS - you know how much this hurts. It doesn't add anything to the purpose of the NC letter other than to hurt OW

___BS___ did not deserve to be treated that way and I am going to make it up to her for the rest of my life. This line is great. She is a better woman then you are and will always be. This line is unnecessary - just another jab I do not want anything to do with you or your kids EVER!!! Again, I would leave the kids out of it. It is not their fault they were born and how will they feel if they ever saw this?

I love ___BS___, ___BS&WH C___, __BS&WH C____ Great! and will never leave them for someone like you EVER. cheap shot STAY AWAY FROM US! Vague but ok

OK, this may sound weird but he actually hates these kids! He truly considers them "the biggest mistake of his life." I dislike them and their mother also but the compassionate side of me agrees with you. They did not ask to be brought into this world. Even though I feel this way my husband and I have agreed that even if they are his they will NEVER be a part of of lives EVER. Sounds cold but it's the only way...

You are absolutely right. Thanks for your input , this letter does need work. This was the second draft, it was VERY hateful the first time. Made ME feel good but legal ramifications could have been trouble.

Frankly, from its gruffness, I would have the impression that it was in fact written by BS, and not WS. If OP has the same impression, she may not take it seriously.

You know what? I agree with you! I gave my H a copy of Dr. Harley's no-contact letter and he used it as the basis of his letter. He IS very angry and his anger is really his OWN problem. I'm not the one that made the immoral decision to have an affair and HE personally has to find his way through that. I've been studying the discussions here and you all have wonderful advise. I am practicing the concepts even though it's HARD. I am very hurt and angry. What's really weird too is that there were absolutely NO signs that my WH was having an affair. Now that the "cat is outta the bag" I don't know who my H is anymore.

Sounds like your WH is angry because the consequences for his affair are hitting him right now. Problem is, his anger should be with himself, instead, he is putting it ALL on OW. He SHARES the guilt for the A with OW, and she is only HALF of the sordid equation.

I would change the letter to reflect more what Dr. Harley's template expresses, leaving all that anger and venom out. Be clear how the OW is NOT to contact you/WH, and be clear that he regrets his decision to have an affair with her, and regret for the pain he has inflicted on you.

I am sooooo torn right now. I DO NOT want to deal with his anger even though it is not directed at me. I DID NOT make the immoral decision to have an affair and have been sucked into the whole mess because he is my H. I am VERY angry at him for his total disrespect of me. Truthfully I would rather leave him than deal with the trouble he has created. We have older children that are begging me not to leave and younger children that would be devastated if I did.

Hey veterans--
Are there distinct patterns that a wh follow regarding stages? I see that this husband is very angry and has it directed at OW. What are the likely chances that once the dust clears he directs his anger closer to home? I just think Wbranch should be prepared...is this a common occurrance?

Yes, PLEASE! Someone give me some advise! This is the weirdest most upsetting thing that has ever happened to me in my life! Even though he claims the A has been over since 2006 it seems to be hitting him now. I suppose because he is "found out." He does not want ANYONE to know, especially our families. He was VERY upset that some of the older children know. I feel as though he is embarassed and ashamed. He wants to forget it happened. Says that if I leave him he will follow because he can't stand the thought of NEVER seeing me again. Then in the next breathe says that he has always felt that I was "Too Good" for him. I THINK he has told me quite a few details; in fact I told him to STOP because I didn't want to hear anymore. I am an intelligent woman and don't want to, and will not, deal with any "mind" games. I suggested that he go to individual counceling to "fix" himself before we can "fix" US. Some days I can hardly stand to look at him but I hide this negativity from him. I had my say in the first days after my D-day and I won't go there again.

Can someone please help me to regain my self esteem, my sense of worth? I am lost and don't know how to find ME...

self esteem is earned by doing things that you hold in high regard

self worth can be viewed in a spiritual sense - as in being a child of God and therefore worthy

finding yourself is not the same as recovering your broken marriage - try not to confuse the two

take baby steps every day

exercise
eat healthy choices
go out with friends
self soothe
help others
do something to educate yourself every day
do something that challenges you every day
pray for others as well as for yourself

Your husband sounds like a selfish jerk - is he?