Dr. Harley, I am on my second marriage and the first one ended with an affair by my wife. I have been married now for 7 years, and recently discovered my wife was exchanging explicit sexual emails with a friend that i had met through her some time ago. I have read His Needs Her Needs, and had a gut feeling that something wasn't right, so I explored her email accoutn (which I'm not to proud to say), but that is when I discoverd the email sex. Later that day I confronted her and she admitted to exchanging the words but does not know that I saw the entire conversation. Thier conversation left me speachless, she had never said those things to me, but could say that to a friend? Anyway, during the confrontation, she explained that she was sorry and could see that it was wrong, but would not tell me who this person I know was. She defended his identity from me forabout 3 more days, and finally told me who it was. She said they were just words, and that nothing had happend or was going to happen. Knowing thatmy first marriage ended with an affair of which I told her about before we got married. I love my wife dearly and also confronted this friend and told him how disrespected I was and how would he feel if someone was doing that to his wife? I have since forgiven my wife but cannot forget what was said, when in closing of one of her emails she wrote, "thanks for the email sex,that's all I'm getting right now" That is what sent me throught the roof. I would like nothing more to make love to my wife everyday,but I have had to compromise as she does not like to have sex as often as I do so, I had cut back to maybe once every other week, to accomodate her. She only recently has let me know when she wants to make love, and this was after asking her how can you tell another man that you are horny, and can't tell me. As mentioned I confronted this friend and told him how I feel, but have not seen him face to face. I really want to believe it is over but how can I be sure? Can I truly ever trust my wife, when I get a gut feeling I investigate and won't bring anything up unless I have evidence. This feeling of possibly not trusting my wife is driving me crazy. I know there is a possible self esteem problem with here but making out with old friends (via email) or meeting new male friends (when not every man really wants to be your friend)is the answer. I have asked her to read HNHN but she refuses. What do I need to do? Help me find the light of day again. thank you

Alone in the Dark.

Welcome to MB! Sorry that you are here, but glad that you found a good support group.

Have you read Surviving An Affair? Poke around on the site some more and read up on Dr. Harley's articles regarding Infidelity, especially Plan A and Plan B.

We're here for ya!

That was a good stand confronting the OM.

IMHO, I feel theres more to your wife then she or you might be saying. She said they were just words. Well they were words of a WS. Yes I said wayword spouse. Because "they are just words" makes it seem to me that this is not a big deal to her. BUT it is. Regardless if it was a explicit email its still cheating. Its thoughts she should have with you and no one else.

You can still follow everything. You can still expose to family and friends. Have her do a NC regardless if you said your share of it. It will help.

You have questions shes not answering maybe? I know you said you forgive her but its one thing to forgive in your heart. I also understand your doubts since your EX had an A during your M.

Obviously you are wanting to work on your M..You came to the right place to vent, get advice, and to seek help.

Well you're not alone for sure.
Stick around, most people here have been where you are. I did.

First don't blame it on you, your W EA has nothing to do with you.
There migh me something not so well it the marriage but that's a responsablity of both of you and it's not to be solved by having an A.

First thing I'd say is to ask for your WW to write a No Contact letter/ e-mail to the OM that you approve. Second she should change e-mail address phone number and give you access to new ones passwords.

Then you can start rebuildind the M.

Is she does not agree with this it means she's continuing with the EA (even tho she'll swear to you she's not)

In this case you need to Expose to everyone. Is the OM Married?

And Plan A.

Keep posting and the experst will give you great advice according to development.

Be strong, this is just the very beginning.

Just a small addition:

If she doesn't comply to your requests of NC and shared password, no threats, just do!

Read up examples of NC letter and also various examples of approach to exposees. (I think I just invented a new word...)

Thank you for the words or encouragement,but being new to MB, I need some help with all the abbrevations so I can follow. What is NC?

Sorry that you are here - There are some great people who can help.

NC = No Contact

Abbreviations are located in the first post in the "Just Found Out" Forum entitled abbreviations/acronyms

thank you