The pictures of OM were deleted when H originally found out. I still kept in contact with friends. Deleting my account does not mean I can't look at pics of OM. OM has a page of his own. However, since H thought it was a problem, I deleted it. It was no big deal to delete. I did not really have time to maintain it anyway. I logged in when friends posted new pics of weddings, friends, their kids, their vacations, etc. That was why I was logging in.

What are your top three?

I don't remember them all but admiration and recreational activities are huge. He thinks these are both a joke. I can understand the admiration part. He has never really admired me except for maybe in the very early years...understandable after what I have done but he never really had a public way of showing it...not I like I would prefer, anyway. Which he says the same about me. He says I am not affectionate and never have been. But I am not like that. Truth is, I am affectionate. Just not with him due to whatever - the problems I have caused, the length we have been together...I don't know. I am affectionate.

Couldn't those friends, family, etc.... email you pics, instead of you surfing a website that obviously bothers your BH? Just a suggestion....but maybe "not going onto myspace" should be added to your EP list.

Yes, but the friends were old friends that posted this for all of their Myspace friends to see. Like I said, it wasn't a big deal deleting the page.

Truth is...my H has never and never will be the recreational companion that OM was to me. I know once I get a grip on this thought because I know in the scheme of things this don't mean SH@T that I can move on. It is truly the one of the things that attracted me to the OM - that and personality. So, I am erasing those thoughts and looking forward to H and I replacing those memories with memories of our own.

Reading this made me think of something our therapist taugh my H and myself.
You state that you are affectionate - and you probably are - in YOUR way, in a way that means affection to you, but likely not in what Dude thinks of as affection. I think you know this at one level from your comment in there of "not like I would prefer". He may have been showing you admiration, but because it wasn't in a way that met your need, it wasn't admiration to you.
So, perhaps you are affectionate, but it doesn't meet Dude's needs for affection. It may be worth it to talk about and describe to each other what 'affection' means to each of you.

No, I am an affectionate person - but not to him. Not in his way or my own. I have to get that want to be affectionate back. Right now, it's like telling someone that they need to dress better and then they don't because they were asked to do it. I have been like this toward him for a very long time. And the fact that he say's I have never been affectionate, even before all of this, really just makes it worse. I am not denying that it may be true, but don't you have to want to be that way for it to be real?

Did you let Dude know that it is erased?

It's a valid concern if he tries to access and it can't. He may just think you blocked him.

What were YOUR reasons for erasing it? I have some ideas that I HOPE were deciding factors. I'd like to know what your reasons were.

Have you talked or read anywhere about triggers? We BS' can be triggered by really very little. YOU know what should not be a trigger to him because it has no relation to the A.

Dude's mind is probably all over the place, seeing ghosts where there may not be any and some are probably quite valid.

Just you going online or using the computer can be a trigger to Dude. Even if you are only typing a letter to your grandma, this can trigger Dude into many different thoughts. "Is she emailing OM, is she looking at his MySpace, etc, etc."

The look on your face can be a trigger.

I know you can't control EVERYTHING he may think of, but please recognize and be sympathetic for what he is going through.

He will work on his triggers just as you are working on yours. If you can both be careful with each other it would be extremely helpful to both of you.

This is mentally and emotionally exhausting, we know.

Fox

Never is a pretty dangerous word. Lots of 'nevers' have been disproved in life right? I am sure everyone here would have said that they would 'Never' deal with infidelity when they first got married.

I 'Never' thought my H and I could have the honest converstations that I had with OM. I thought it was becuase my H wouldn't be open, that he wouldn't respect what I had to say, that he would like I was wrong or weak... blah, blah...
In reality, it was becuase *I* was making a choice not to see him able to meet that need for me, I discounted that he could ever be different from what he had been to me for the last decade we were together.
I was wrong. Very wrong. *I* was preventing H from meeting my needs and then blaming it on him.
It's a slow process to get there - I had to learn how to talk to him in a new way, and he had to learn how to listen and talk with me in a way that was new for him.

'Never'
I hardly ever use the word anymore.

Feelings follow actions.

What is your pay off for this?

Do you feel power by knowing he would like this and you refuse to give it to him?

What is the gain to you for that?

I'll tell you, I'm pretty darn stubborn, too. And catch myself doing the same thing because I wasn't asked correctly, I didn't like the tone, whatever.

Some of mine lies within hurt feelings or hurt pride. I feel put down when asked to do something that I am not already doing.

Like what I've already been doing is not good enough.

KWIM?

Fox

EXCELLENT post.

So very true.

I know I've done this.


Fox

I agree with you on this. I am guilty of doing/feeling the same way.

You want to know what is really irritating as sh@t...when I was going online to delete it, he called me on the phone and said..."why are you on your myspace page? are you deleting stuff and then going to come home and show it to me after you have erased everything?"...I said...yes, I am on it deleting the entire account as we speak. That made me mad. I was doing the right thing and I can't even do it without being watched...it's like dude, don't you have something else to do than sitting there and seeing when I log into Myspace...I mean, come on.

You know, I understand. Fact is, the computer at home has always been a HUGE issue for me. I did a lot of the gambling and had the first affair to have my own escape from him being at the computer ALL THE TIME. I mean it was an addiction for him. During 14 yrs of marriage, only in the last 6 mos has he really broken free from that. He says it was cheap entertainment and that as long as he wasn't spending money then why did I have a problem with it? Well, I saw it as neglect...for A VERY LONG TIME. I had to fight the urge to keep from smashing it with a baseball bat. That is why when he first told me he wanted to post on this site that I was like...ok...here we go...computer time...Ugh...

I just can't do it. I have tried.

That makes sense...I have NEVER ( no pun intended) thought of it that way!

.. he is in constant fear of being hurt, of feeling like he has been made to look like a food, he had a lack of knowledge (of the A) for so long, that right now.. knowledge is safety, it is what will prevent him from being blindsided again.

does that make sense rain?

affairs are fakes...you cannot compare them to real life.

Besides, you AP is a piece of excrememnt for what he has brought into your life. Do not lose sight of that fact.

:-)