Man, I'm jealous that you had a good time in a hot tub, and are going on a road trip to go fishing and quadding. My guess is WW will be too. Good letter.

Thanks catperson and introvert!

I need to plan my next step at Plan A. What if she doens't email me back? Do I send another one later this weekend?

I really need as much direction as I can get from you experts! By this time, if I had never found MB, I would've walked away sulking, feeling like I had failed, and given up.

I love my wife like I have never loved anyone before. I know that this isn't her right now.

She still hasn't contacted me about the house appraisal and she knew that I would have it by end of Wed for sure. Should I still hold onto it? We did agree on doing it 2 months ago and she has paid 1/2 of the fee. Doesn't she deserve looking at it?

Let sleeping dogs lie. If she wants c copy then give it, but wait till she asks. She is stalling. Its in your advantage for her to stall. If you give her the value of the house then it forces the process to move forward and put the house up for sale.

I think my wife is really done with me and trying to move on. Has her affair has given her the strength to push herself out of this marriage? Why it took her 8.5yrs, 6.5 living together and getting married 1.5yrs to figure it out really bothers me.

Yet, still after moving out into an apartment with a friend and signed a 1yr lease, moved her job closer to where she is living, moved everything of hers out of the house, changed her bank account, etc......she still hasn't gone to a lawyer to have sep drawn up. She was the one that started mentioning it over 2 months ago and hasn't asked for the house appraisal either.

I was strong yesterday but this morning I am not. I am tempted to just go and get the sep papers drwan up myself and get them sent to her. She what choice she makes and live with it.

She is not contacting me, no response from the email. I know she read it, snooped into her email and it's read, sitting in her Inbox along with her other mail.

With no responses from her I can't see anyway to have contact with her. I don't want to send emails and not get responses back, then it just seems like I'm harassing her......

What step can I take now? Or do I walk away?

Work on yourself right now. I know it's hard, but you need to refocus some of the time you spend thinking about her doing something else. Volunteer somewhere. Seriously, it is the BEST thing someone in your place can do; experts agree with me.

WW is willing to wait and let you file for divorce. Why? She can say you wanted the divorce, you filed for the divorce, you wanted the marriage to end. Do not confuse WW justification with the facts that she moved out or had an affair.

If you still want WW then do not file. The only option you have is to do a plan B. Send plan B letter.

Brief and to the point tell WW:

That you want to not just stay married but want to make your marrige better for the both of you. However I can not bear the pain of witnessing you having an affair with OM. I have to go No Contact with you until you decide to end the affair. We can not work together to make our marriage better while separated. So I will spend this time alone to make myself better while we are separated. If you need to talk to me during this time you are to contact my third party. They will forward all requests to me.

Best to use a sibling or close friend as the third party. Do not have them repeat word for word what ever WW says but just to paraphrase enough for you to understand WW's message.

Plan B has saved marriages. I understand that you can know longer take being in plan A. Plan B will help keep your mind off od WW and her PA. Most afairs burnout by 2 years.

Also when you do plan B I would do 1 more exposure. Include OMW, OM parents, WW parents, siblings, friends, work.

Then use this time to heal and improve yourself.

Thanks TheRoad,
I have the strength to still be in plan A. What can I do? I'm just not sure if that is possible now that she doesn't seem to want to have contact with me? Like I said earlier, there hasn't been a text/email back/or phone call. The last two emails had no response but she didn't delete them from her Inbox.

I am taking care of myself as much as I can but I can't seem to get her out of my mind. I'm trying to hang out with friends, keep myself busy at home and work.

I was thinking that if people here say there is not much more I can do in Plan A that I would like to get together with her for coffee or something. Instead of being the baby I have been, begging her to come back, that I love her etc, I'd show strength, that I can be on my own and make changes in my life. Tell she has really hurt me, yet I still love her. Even the day I confronted her about the PA she still said that "I don't know how I will feel in a few months" She doesn't want to let go yet all her actions are so the opposite until it gets down to sep papers!!!

I need some direction!!

Hey AWH--

Just spent some time catching up on your thread.

My opinion is that your W IS cake-eating, very much so, and that you do need plan B-- soon. I don't know that right now is right-- it seems that you've been on quite a rollercoaster, and your emotions have been all over the planet.

Its hard to keep calm and not do the begging/crying/pleading thing-- but that pretty much disgusts us WWs and makes us walk on you more. You shouldn't be COLD, but warm, inviting, affectionate, but at the same time-- have your boundaries, and be strong. It seems you have been wavering an awful lot.

My suggestion is to start planning your plan B-- but while you plan it, make an AWESOME last run at plan A-- for another few weeks while you get your "plan B" ducks in a row (finances, house, get that letter together and post it here, etc).

The light is at the end of the tunnel-- you just wanna make sure you exit that tunnel the best possible way. You've been doing great, just add a few more polishing touches, a little more confidence in YOURSELF when you deal with her, then go plan B. If she's smart, she'll thank you for it someday

E.

Hey AWH,

How you doin' today?

I had to Plan A through email with Mr. Gray. I would send an email about things I was doing and my stepkids were doing. I just kept it light.

He was "Plan B'ing" me at that time but it finally softened him up. I ended up going in to B myself a week or so later, though. LOL!

But yeah, you can do it in a way where it's not "harassing." Just like the email you posted that you sent her. A perfect example.

Charlotte

Ok, I'm doing pretty crappy!

Well, I'm doing pretty good myself, keeping busy, trying ot get together with my friends etc...but I can't seen to get my wife out of my head!!! Even with everything going on I still love her!

BUT.... my WW is still with the OM and looks like she is spending ALOT of time with him, staying the night at his house....possibly living there most of the time, says she has a cold from him to her friends, having fun with his kids, calling his place home to her friends and hasn't contacted me at all. She has that apartment she is sharing with a friend since July 1st, I was there when I confronted her about PA and I did notice some of her stuff there, including the lamps she took etc, but I can't be forsure that all of it was there, I wasn't really looking, but only remember seeing 1 bedroom, could be wrong though.
She told me, before I knew about the affair that she was looking for a 2 bed apartment, described the one they found to me and that she was excited, and even invited me to come see it when she found one.... now I don't know if she is living with OM or not....

Since I have yet to get any type of respose from her over the last 1.5 weeks I checked her email to see if she still had the last couple emails from me... I looked and she had deleted all the others that were sitting in her inbox but DID KEEP mine and moved them into the folder she has with my name on it???? So what the H#LL!!! I also found out that last Fri she spent all night crying and couldn't sleep. About what I have no idea.... I found this out from a third party, I guess it could be anything??

How long have you been doing the plan A?

My plan A has been very weak for the last month.....Just those couple little emails....

How can I jump it up a notch and then go plan B? Right now I don't think she would really care if I went to plan B with all the fun she is having with her new life with OM,

Before I go into plan B should I write her a heartfelt email about how everything stands??? Why she hasn't approached me about the house appraisal and sep papers if she is happy being with OM and really wants this marriage to be over?

If you can't get her to talk or see you then maybe it's time to go plan B. WW is plan B'ing you.

Forget the heart felt bull filled letter. WW will not respond and your begging will only make you appear weak, a desparate door mat.

Best to do a 180, and plan B.
Did you do a full exposure?
Do not give WW any money.
You should of delayed selling house. Now WW will get a lump sum to feather a nice love nest with the OM. In that case she may not be comming back.

Sure she will. It will take away her power over YOU. Right now she can either ignore you or contact you. With B, no contact with you, except through your intermediary.

It may seem like a small thing, but it really isn't.

More importantly it will make a huge difference to YOU. Meaning your state of mind.

Charlotte

Road,
I'm not selling the house if I don't have to, crunched the #s and I sould be able to buy her out.
I won't have to pay her any money for the house until either our sep has been 12 months and we can legally file for divorce, or I try selling the house while we're separated, at that time I will owe her.

I'm working on the 180 already, that's why I sent her those little emails so that she can know that I'm going out, having fun.
We never went out when we were together, my 180 is getting social again.

DM,
You right, it would show her, or at least make her see that I'm not waiting around. My counselor and others on this board keep saying she wants you to wait for her, she's cake eating etc. I need to show her I'm not sitting around waiting, but moving forward with or without her. I'm going to work on the Plan B letter this week and try to get it to her by the weekend. I'll send her a couple light hearted emails this week too.

What is appropriate in sending the no contact letter?
-meet her in person, say over coffee
-drop it off at their residence (she's in an apartment now)
-drop it off at her work in person, best place I know where she is
-send it email
-send it to work attached to her favorite flowers

I've been away for a few days. I think your email about the hot tub was spectacular! I agree your wife is cake eating BIG TIME and it will take a Plan B to break her out of it - probably a long one. But as you know your Plan A was on again off again so you need to really make a great Plan A right before you go dark. I think you're doing that.

I personally love the idea of the letter attached to her favorite flowers. That is *awesome*! If you can stand to deliver the flowers and letter yourself, then do so, but it may be better to just drop them off or have them delivered. If you see your W face to face it might be very difficult for you to avoid trying to "educate" her, or beg or plead or get pulled into a fight.... face to face is pretty darn risky unless you're confident you can pull it off, being pleasant and friendly and calm no matter WHAT stunt she decides to pull.

It needs to be in writing so she can hold it and refer back to it.
Give it to HER, don't leave it at "their" place (gag, gag). You need to be sure she got it.
Hand written is better (more personal) unless your penmanship is illegible.

Be sure to post your Plan B letter here and get input on it. A good plan B letter makes a big difference in how the Plan B is perceived by the WS, so it plays a big part in how effective the Plan B is. Get it fine tuned so it purrs, then give it to her and go dark. The folks who stay totally dark are the ones that have the best success rate. If you break Plan B then it reinforces her cake-eating like you wouldn't believe. You want this to *end*.

Thanks turtlehead, I think I will drop off the letter and flowers at her work. If she is there so be it, if not, I'll leave it there. I think if it's at her work I won't freak out and she has to deal with the fact that I'm strong enough to do it infront of all her co-workers.

UPDATE:
Here's the email I sent to her this morning, dipped into her email just to see if she read it yet, nope...

"Hey,

Haven't talked to you in awhile, thought you'd get a laugh out of this. Had people over on Sat. night for a fire, I ended up getting a 2nd degree burn on one of my fingers when I reached to move a log and there was melted plastic on it! Hurt like hell! So much for using my new punching bag for the next while, finger's bandaged up. Well, gotta head to work, one more week to finish off!

Later,
XXXXXX"

I snooped into her email and she cleaned up her inbox. Deleted everything (about 20 emails, FWDs, etc from friends) BUT kept my last two emails, the one I mentioned here from last week and another from the week before when she sent me pics of her sisters baby and I responded back. She put them into the folder she has under my name, she has kept every little email since May when she left....I find that wierd?????

As you can see in my above email, working out is part of my 180 aswell...never worked out before, I'm not overwieght but could stand to gain some abs instead of my little beer belly (LOL)

So is there anything I should email or should I attempt meeting with her in the next week or so while I'm on holidays say for lunch at work or something? Give her that one last look at what she will loose when I go to Plan B???

anyone else have input?

That sounds like a plan, Stan!!

I like the idea of the letter with the flowers. Turtlehead made a good point, though, about engaging her in "warfare." From reading your posts, I think you are strong enough to handle it, but that is JMHO.

Charlotte