I am writing this post in hopes that maybe other WWs that make their way here will read... and see the pain of a FWW that thought that her H wasn't the right person for her had lost her love, etc... and now would give everything she had in this world to get back her M...

I got here the same way most WWs do. I was unhappy. We had problems (who doesn't??). They weren't insurmountable, but I thought they were, convinced myself they were. I fell out of love with my H. I convinced myself he wasn't for me, that I never really did want to marry him, that I had made a mistake. I really didn't see myself EVER feeling the same way about my H again, ever.

I yanked my poor H around for a year. A year! I moved out of the house for 8 months of that, I did and said all the typical WS manipulative things. Coming here was a shock, damn there must a factory that sucks out our brains and replaces them with WS-stock brains. We do all do and say the same things.

Truthfully (TAKE NOTE HERE BSs!) I WISH to this VERY DAY that my poor, suffering hubby would have stuck up for himself MORE during the A. He didn't know of this site, and I wish he would have. I really do. I wish that he could have gotten guidance. I know you wouldn't have let me carry on the way I did... let me do and say the things and walk all over him like I did. He would have plan B'd me sooner. I WISH he would have stood up for himself and cut me off. Made me REALLY realize my actions-- stop my cake eating SOONER before I did the damage I did. I was a cake eater. I said and did the things everyone here says and does. And I cringe when I see BSs afraid to "make it worse" or "make the WS mad". Yeah, I got mad, I yelled and told him he screwed it all up and that we had no chance because he did this that or the other thing that hindered my ability to carry on the A. I wish he would have put his foot down. I would have chose him-- and that's not just hindsight. I really would have.

But I didn't wake up until it was almost too late. I exhausted him, I took away all of his love for me. And THEN I woke up. And In fact, it might have been too late. I don't know, the jury is still out on that one. My H still hasn't committed to recovering the M, and that eats at me every day.

It comes down to the fact that I cry every day. And that I can't look at myself in the mirror. And that I've read book after book after book... and I've went to IC. I would do ANYTHING-- ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD-- to get back my M. To re-set the clock so that this DISASTER never happened. To be able to whisper in my old-self's ear to just stop, and THINK. I wasn't thinking. I always prided myself on being a good person, on being intelligent. Good, intelligent people don't do what I did. I still to this day question my character. I don't know if I can ever repair my character MYSELF enough to forgive myself. I don't think I ever will forgive myself.

I don't know if my M will survive what I did. Somedays I think it will, somedays not. I know if it doesn't survive that it will be the hardest thing ever to look in that mirror, see how much pain I'm in.... and know that I have no one to blame but myself. And know that I took down my HUSBAND with myself too-- and our entire family. All this pain and destruction-- why?? Why did I do it?? Why didn't I just STOP AND THINK? Why did I get so caught up?!?!?!

You think your M is miserable now?!?! Just wait until after the A. The problems CAN be fixed, and I think had I actually TRIED to fix them pre-A, it would have been cake. Fixed them the MB way-- not in the passive aggressive yelling, crying, screaming stupid way I tried before. Solved them with LOVE.

WWs-- I was so emotionally disconnected from my H before my A, I really thought I'd never love him again-- and that I had never really loved him. If-- (and that's a big if) I get another true chance at this marriage, I've promised myself and him that I will never ever take him for granted again and will follow the MB way, forever. I have already installed it in my life. I'll never abandon it-- its the only thing that's kept me going in this NIGHTMARE.

Don't do it. Just don't. Its not worth it. Give your M 6 months on the MB plan.

I love my husband with all of my heart, and I would bear his pain for the rest of my life if I could. I pray to God every day that I get just one more chance to make it right. Just one more-- and I know that is an enormous thing to ask for. HUGE.

The shame, the pain... its so not worth it. The tears, the lonely nights.

I'm an emotional train-wreck, and its all my fault.

I honestly believe that all WS will someday hit their "wall"-- like I did. I hit mine September-ish last year, when the fog REALLY started lifting. A few months too late. And I owe my LIFE to some stranger that was on another board on iVillage that steered me here-- I have no idea if she's here still, or even what her SN here would be... but she is owed with everything I have for steering me here and making me the person I am today. Someone I'm proud to be-- but someone I should have been 2 years ago.

I think all WS will hit the wall. Where they realize what they did, and that it was the biggest mistake of their life. It is just a matter of whether or not it is too late. And those that don't realize it, I honestly think might be missing a few screws.

Just don't do it. Never, ever in my life have I been through so much pain- never ever in my life have I wished that I could take something back as much as this. Never ever ever. And I've made my fair share of mistakes.

The mirror will be my worst enemy... for the rest of my life. No matter what I do now, I can't make up for the scars on my character from my past. Never.

E.

Oh my gosh!! Your post made me want to cry. I hope that you let your H read this. I can feel your pain (((((E))))))

Does your BH post or read MB?

Unfortunately, no.

He refuses to come here and post, or read any of the books. He pretty much thinks it is cult like and a little weird, and doesn't buy into it.

Personally, I think it is more just an excuse to not have to really do the hard work or evaluate himself-- not because he really feels that way. Its just a cover. But I could be wrong. All I know is that he was desperate to save us for awhile... and even found this site and showed it to me (but not the discussion boards, and as far as I know never posted), but I was too foggy then. I dragged us through the mud too long.

My thread usually hovers around the bottom of page one-- you can catch up if you'd like.

E.

Thanks Chai.

I deserve the pain I feel, I messed this up myself... I just hope that someday we can muddle through this TOGETHER-- and neither of us will feel the sting anymore.

I've written H apology letters (hand written) much like the one above in the past, and they haven't done much. I don't think there's much of a point in letting him read it now-- it will probably just incite a bunch of him telling me how he doesn't feel the same about me, and doesn't feel like putting in the effort. And those types of comments slice me to the core, especially if I just got done spilling my guts.

Someday, maybe. Someday.

E.

eeyoree,

If it's any consolation, I think this place is a little "cultlike" myself. It's almost got it all when it comes to signs of a cult, when you think about it. But, I'm still here.

Let your H know he's not the only one that feels that way, and if he does decide to post, he and I can make fun of the place together ....while recovering, of course.

I'm kinda surprised you feel that way Intovert. I kinda thought your 'GOT IT' but I guess I am wrong.
I guess I was wrong but I thought you really did get it.

But to refer to this place as a cult to a newbie, well I Guess you need to do a lot more reading on the general format before entering this forum.

I thought you had something,. but after this statement, I can can only conclude that you are still clueless.


This place is nothing that even resembles a cult, as we follow the very learned advise of a clinical physcoligist who has 35 years of experiencw in these matters, not nearly what I would call " a cult."


Well yup, good for you.

In the future, after knowing this, I will put you on Ignore;.

Your statement above, just lost you all credibilty, IMHO.

All Blessings,
Jerry

BTW: Have your fun, I don't see it that way. But that's just me

Thank you, eeyoree.

I almost feel like sending this to Mr. Gray. Almost.

Not that it would do any good but you never know.

But the drugs have such a hold on him. SUCH a hold. I just hope he gets help for the kids.

Thank you for this post, I can only imagine that it took alot to write this.

obviously this one has not had enough kool aid - someone pass this "introvert" the kool aid


cults don't fight with each other as much as we all do

when we stop bickering - then we have officially become a cult
drink and be happy along with us - this is the path to inner koolness


now drink this kool aid and shut up

Pep

LoL Pep! The way I read it made me laugh.

E great post after reading it I have thought long and hard and I would have to say the way I feel ranks right there with you in telling WS's not to do it. Its not worth it. I almost lost my H and my then 2 yr old. I am greatful to have a great friend to open my eyes and see what the OM really was. And then just starting to talk with H all over again helped too. Along with other factors. If I were to run into OM today I would walk away and not even acknowledge him. Hes not worth my time. I value my family WAY to much.

eeyoree;

Great post. At the same time, have pride in the simple fact that you have become an adult. See, we all haul around baggage in life, mistakes we have made, stupid choices and the like. It goes with growing. At the end of the day, we are who we are irrespective of how we got there. There is no reset button. The danger to the free rent we give in our brain to the negatives in life can sour, curdle and not be a good thing for us.

Just be the best you can be.

In order for forgiveness to mean something, the first thing you have to do is forgive yourself. Yes, you did something stupid and hurtful to yourself and your loved ones. Yet I suspect that what you did ultimately resulted in your transition to being a full blown grown up. While it is ok to hate how you got there, it is ok to like who you have become.

Enough of the sack cloth and ashes. Like I said, no reset button and from this point on, your job is to be the best person you can be and do your best for your husband. You can't heal him and wishing isn't gonna change that. He must heal himself OR NOT, as the case may be.

He probably needs help and like many males, is reluctant to ask for it. Simply put, he doesn't trust the advice of stangers he doesn't know. He is also living in his own version of FOG. I dunno how you get him here. But here is a good place, a safe place, where he can learn and vent and grow. And that would be a good thing.

All the best.

Larry

. . . and for those who are not old enough to understand the Kook Aid thing, think Jim Jones and mass suicide as detailed in http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Jones.

Cyanide in the Kool Aid.

Larry

Holy cow, Jerry. Get up on the wrong side of the bed or what? If you read my post again, and don't analyze it to death, you will probably notice a little bit of sarcasm and a little bit of an agenda behind it (trying to make eeyoree's H comfortable with coming here).

Maybe attitudes like yours are the reason he isn't here? Think about that, before you call people "clueless".

I would actually appreciate it if you put me on ignore, because "you really didn't get it".

Sometimes people just can't see the forest for the trees.......yikes

I do think that it's ironic that you seem to have thrown me under the bus for making an obvious satirical remark about Marriage Builders. What kind of group would throw someone under the bus, ignore them, and try to make an appeal (although subtle) for banishment for not towing the line?.....hmmmm, let me think.

For those that are not "ignoring" me, W and I had a very good 3rd phone session with our cult leader Jennifer last night.

Take care Jerry

Yes...anything you say my master

Hey....look over there....is that Tom Cruise?

Hey Intro---

I'll see if that will get him here, but don't hold your breath. Or drink the kool-aid

E.

Thank you Larry. You are definitely right-- this experience has taught me what it means to be a part of a healthy marriage that isn't based on immature actions and being selfish and retarded.

I know I've learned a lot and I'll survive, and I hope my M does too, and that H can learn and grow too. Not the way ANYONE wants to learn and grow-- but might as well make lemonade from some (very very bitter) lemons.

E.

Okay eeyoree. Although I think my hidden agenda to try to get him involved has been threatened by exposure lol.

eeyoree,
Thanks so much for posting! Your post in a way tells me that I need plan B ASAP!!! Don't let her have her cake!
It's been a few months now that my wife has been in an affair. She's decided that she doesn't know how she feels for me, questions everything including her love for me, says it's too comfortable, and was drawn in by a guy friend that told her how much he cares, he's there to listen, and I know how you feel (I know this was said through her email).....
She's moved out with a girlfriend of hers for a month now in an apartment, stayed at her parents the month before. She says she feels it's over yet the day I confronted her and she admitted to PA to me in three easy questions she told me, "but I don't know how I'll feel in a few months...I'm not a fortune teller." I told her that separation is not what I want that she needs to get the lawyer and get papers started...she has yet to do anything.....
I'm so confused on plan A or B, BUT I think you've told me B is the way to go. Let her see truly what she will be loosing now before I start loosing my love and forgiveness for her. I'm scared to do it....

I'm glad it could be of help, AWH. Its the same script, over and over again.

I haven't read your sitch (I'll catch up here in a few and dig up your thread), but don't let it go too long. If you've rocked plan A, and its been a few months, do plan B. I wish that my H would have, I really do. In a way, its a favor to her too, you are PREVENTING her from doing any more damage to the M. You are not only protecting YOURSELF, but protecting her from doing more damage.

Good luck. We are awful creatures, we are...

E.