Thanks SL. I'm so afraid of going through another false recovery like you have endured. I went through two of those last year, and I just don't think I could survive another one. And I'm at the point of total confusion because I don't know how I feel anymore. You know how in the beginning you really want to save your M and will do anything? Well I was there and trying hard, however WH continued to lie and sneak around for 9 more months!! After Plan B, I didn't waver on it until the last few months when my feelings started to become unpredictable. Don't know if you went through that, but one day you hate them, don't want them back; then the next you aren't sure. Makes one crazy.

PM, not sure how he could belive that I hate him after all of the effort that I put into recovery and all of the letters that I wrote after Plan B. Maybe he does think that he has done too much damage, I don't know. I've read your story and you said that you waited for God to break your WH. Well, I did too, and I figured if he didn't have an awakening after the heart attack, then he probably never would.

I don't know. I'm going through a state of total confusion right now. It sucks.

Hang in there Chai. IF he is having no contact with the OW, he may come around. It took my ex seven months to be interested in me again. It was a long withdrawal.

But it is really hard to say whether there is contact or not. Of course he is going to tell your daughter that he isn't seeing the OW, but who really knows?

Believer,

I don't really know - that's the kicker. Did you go through the mixed feeling thing before you decided that you were done? You know - one day one thing, the next day another. Just wondering if this is normal. Maybe it's that "gray" area on the journey from white to black. That area where at any time you could go either way?

UGH.....

Hi CL,


You don't have to decide ANYTHING right now, CL...sounds like you're in a lot of pain... take a break...come back to it tomorrow...

For right now, just try to take the focus OFF WS and the situation...and think of what you can DO that might 'soothe' CL's soul... it will help to 'clear up' some of the confusion...

I am sooo sorry that you are going through these moments, CL... there tough to swallow...

Put your right hand on your left shoulder...and your left hand on your right shoulder...

It's me...giving you a big HUG!

((((((((((((((((((((CL))))))))))))))))))))

CL,


If you are feeling it, it's NORMAL!

Evening Chai,

Yes, I still have thoughts of being unsure of my position on the marriage. I tried like all get out to do my part to recover, and am satisfied with what I have done. Every now and then, i get this nagging feeling that I need to check myself, to look for what I can improve upon. Tolerance is a big one. I have a low threshhold for crap these days, so it's an uphill battle.

When I think about all the work I did while in the last false recovery, my head spins. I tried to connect with an empty soul. From what I've heard from my brother, who sees PWC now and then, he's devoid of his former self. Makes me wanna barf, because I actually feel bad for him, for losing himself . Then another thought hits me, maybe he's actually FOUND himself; this is who he really is.DOUBLE

No letters will be sent by me, there is no marriage to make efforts for. I'm almost certain our marriage will go out with a wimper.

There are days when I quickly shake my head to jar the thought loose that this just cannot be so. It's so strange to really see this new reality.

Anyway, I do prattle on.

I say, take care of you. Do something you like. If you wanna send the letter, then go ahead. It won't HURT you unless you are expecting any sort of response. If you wanna burn the letter, then enjoy the heat from the flames.

I may not like it, but I'm ready to divorce this body snatched fool.

SL, Luna,

Good to see you guys out and about tonight. Thought I'd start shaking the trees to get you going.

And you are right Luna. I don't have to decide anything now. I still haven't figured out how I feel. I guess it is just all part of the process. Not sure it will ever even out, so I just have to get used to it and know that it will get better/worse.

SL, I haven't been around here for years like some of the others, but I sure haven't seen anyone try as hard as you did. You squeezed every last drop of (whatever it is we give) out of it. You beat the proverbial dead horse to a pulp. You have absolutely nothing to regret. PWC (what does that stand for anyway) does not deserve you. The difference with my WH was that he said all of the right things - just didn't mean them. It gave me false hope.

I have to come up with a catchy name like you all have for the WH. I'll get back to you on that....

Luna, do you have a name for your WH?

PWC came from that name thread that Pepperband started.
Poopsie Waffle Chunks. I'm thinking of changing it to Zombie, though. seems more appropriate now.

Gotta go ni-nights now. TAlk to you tomorrow or whenever you're around.

LOL!! I thought it meant "Piece of Wandering....(something or other!!)"

Hey Chai,

I'm sorry to hear about your latest dilemma. I hate to see you feeling sad!!

I could think of a great name for your WS!! Just say the word!!



Charlotte

Let's do it Charlotte!! I can't come up with anything that the mods wouldn't shut down!!!

I'm open for ideas....

HAAAAhahahahahaha!

I had the same problem early on. Pep's silly name thread arrived just in time.

I love Charlotte's names for her WH, OW and attorney. SLAG?!! That is just awesome.

Hi Chai,

We need a good old fashioned chat on the phone soon. I miss talking to you and yet I am trying to fill up my time and keep it off of negative or useless thoughts.

It's hard, but today I did good and I'm grateful for that.

You are so strong and doing so well. I know you don't see it, but you are always so open about what is happening so that the rest of us can feel "normal", right along with you.

{{{{{{{CHAI}}}}}}}}}

Hi CL,

Checking in on how you are doing on the challenge of making this a worry-free stress-free problems-temporarily-out-the-window DAY?

Queenie,

Well, I guess I'm normal. Somedays it doesn't feel so. I guess we're all on the same coaster ride, although I feel like I go up and down more than most around here. It feels wishy-washy, and I just wish that I could feel one way or the other so that I could move ahead on a defined path. Ever feel that way???

Luna,

Well, I think I accomplished a stress-free day. Slept late, cleaned the condo a little, went to a late lunch at a great Indian restaurant nearby and had some wonderful chai. Ah, chai, my favorite thing. Then off to the grocery to buy some groceries, came home to read but fell asleep shortly thereafter and woke up to the dog snoring in my ear, cooked my sea bass and dined on my deck, took the dog for a walk, came back and watched TV while doing some knitting. So, I think I accomplished it, however it's almost impossible not to think about WH, the A, the state of the M, etc. As hard as I try, it won't leave my head. Can't forget about 2/3 of your life I guess.

So, now I'm off to bed. At least I caught up on sleep today.

Hi CL,

You did well, CL.

The idea is to continue to take baby steps like you are doing, and trust that, combined with the passing of time, things get better!

CL,

Are you up for making again Sunday as stress-free as possible, putting all worries on the shelf for the day (but not to be forgotten), and do as many ENJOYABLE activities as possible?

You know how it is...regularity is important if we aim for it to make a difference in the...longterm!

Well Luna, I wish I could do the same thing this weekend, but it won't happen.

First off, I told DD that I would have lunch with her. Unfortunately, being in her presence triggers a physiological change in me similar to a panic attack. You all know about her addiction. It's like having a 13 year old with tentacles that reach out, grab your neck and suck the life right out of you. The minute she gets into the car it is a battle for money (which I don't have right now), and demands for this, that, whatever. She is constantly either arguing with me or is on the cell phone fighting with someone else. She thrives on chaos, fighting etc. She can spew love busters better than any wayward. It is very difficult for me as I am a reserved, conflict avoider.

Evidently WH popped into town, gave her money and left again, so I'm now the bad guy because I don't help her. She is pregnant, still using, has no job, doesn't plan on getting one either, is about to get thrown out of where she is now living, and has no clue where she'll go next. The whole thing is a nightmare. I know that I cannot raise a child alone at my age, so I have no clue what to do because she is not capable of taking care of anything.

On the D front, have heard nothing for 4 months. I was talking with Smartie and we determined that if WH filed for D, I would have gotten some sort of court papers, which I haven't. So I guess all that he did was get an atty. I'm wondering why there is no word. For reasons that I don't want to publish here, I've decided that I may be better off not pushing signature of the LSA and doing nothing right now. That means I'm totally still M, but I have to take the emotion out of this and make it a business decision. But, since I didn't want this, he will have to be the one to D me.

On the work front, I have been offered a job with a lot of travel. I will probably take it, but that means I have to have someone manage my store. I have a good person to manage it, so that won't be too bad. Not sure I want to travel that much, but I need more of an income.

OK, so that's my update. I wish everyone else a stress-free weekend....

Nothing wrong with just waiting. I know it is hard being in limbo. But you can't date of at least a year after any divorce, so might as well get a nice life going by yourself.

Sorry to hear daughter is still using. One of my sons' friends came by Wednesday night. She is 22, 6 months pregnant, and a crystal addict. I tried to talk to her, but she was so high, she didn't make any sense. It was so sad to see. I felt like just calling someone to lock her up until the baby is born.

Well..CL,

You are just up for another sort of a 'challenge' this weekend if you decided to meet with DD... to learn how to help HER find HER solutions! ...and how to keep yourself OUT of the mix!

...a bit how we do it around here... support each other... but bottom line, we each decide in which direction our boat goes....

...none of this I am the 'bad guy' stuff... if so, you are 'buying into' their judgements...please try not to do that!

Good luck with your new job.

You will be in my thoughts...

I got one! I got one!!

How 'bout...Phlegm?



Charlotte