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So...he left today for a month long deployment. What do you guys think about us communicating via email? I think he might be able to write stuff down that he can't seem to say to my face. Or...at least, he'll have time to think things over and then share his feelings with me. For me, I think it would provide me a way to express my thoughts to him without all the emotion getting in the way...you know, clear and concise. But...if I do this...what should I avoid? I want to express to him that I love him and want to work this out. I want him to see that I am still the fun, loving girl he married. Ideas?
Andi
"No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted."
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OK. I'm working Plan A. Looking good. Making sure the house is clean and dinner is made (although I did this normally) and that home is a nice, relaxing place. We hung out last night...did not really talk much as he is sick (Strep Throat) and fell asleep in the recliner. Then, he went to take a shower and I went to check my email and my MySpace account. Well, they have this silly thing on MySpace where you can Own Your Friends. You can buy your friends as pets and edit what the caption is under their name. It's really rather silly. So - this other chick (from the email) has been "buying" my husband. So...I "buy" him back. When I went to on there last night, she had "bought" him and changed his status to: "Luvs his new owner and wishes no one else would ever buy him again (maybe that will work)" OK - I know this is ridiculous. But - I was pissed. How dare this b**ch invade MY home and MY life? I know that he is ultimately responsible for establishing the boundaries - but, this chick KNOWS he is married. So - then I check the status on her MySpace page and it says: "Can you ever really take back I LOVE YOU." Once again - speculation and silliness. But, when he tells me nothing and all I have is the email thread with them flirting with each other...too many coincidences. Normally, I would have tried to cool down and stop to think rationally about this...but, he came up from the shower like a minute after I saw that and I was HOT! I showed him the messages and told him that I was pissed at HER and who did she think she was? He told me that I was overreacting and that he has not been in contact with her. I told him again that I don't think that he is cheating on me (PA) but what was I supposed to think about this? He told me that I don't know half the story and that had nothing to do with him. I told him that if he told me even a 1/4 of the story it would be better than what I know - the email - and that I would most likely not think twice about the situation. Then he said that I was being insecure. ARGH! Now, I regret blowing up because I know that it's silly. But, at the same time, I don't really because this is MY house, MY life, MY marriage - and I'm trying to make it work and it really made me ANGRY that this person that my husband met at a bar and talked to a few times thinks she has the right to invade my space. I don't think so. SO...today... I take a deep breath and go home and act normal? He has to see how this is affecting me. Can I just bury my head in the sand and wake up when this is over?  Buy him back and change it to "Messing with married people can get you *edit*". 
Last edited by c00per; 07/05/08 12:26 PM. Reason: threat
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Krazy71, LOL!!!  Believe me...I've thought of several captions that I could put there after buying him back. Heck, I could buy her and put some pretty devious stuff...but, biding my time. ;> Although, I find it pretty interesting that he has not "bought" her or her 2 buddies since I confronted him with the email and then blew up over the "messages" on the buy your friends game. Before, he always "owned" her and her 2 friends. Not so much anymore. Now...I'm waiting to see if she is stupid enough to "buy" him back and add a new caption. If she does - my point is proved. AND - I get the benefit of pointing out that, although it may be fun to meet people and chat in a bar - they are usually psycho in the long run. He absolutely can't stand stuff like that. I do understand now why they say that patience is a virtue...holy moly do I feel like a virtuous woman. Let's hope it pays off. Andi
"No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted."
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SO....my husband is gone for a month now. He won't have access to MySpace (I'm pretty sure. And...if he does, I'll know...) But, this bimbo does. How should I react if she keeps "buying" him and adding stupid messages? Should I react? Also...I have her phone number. Should I call her? Or - will this piss my husband off? If so, what should I say?
Andi
"No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted."
Aesop
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I guess if it was me, I'd be saying "To anyone reading this, this girl who keeps bidding on XYZ knows very well he is married, and is trying to drive a wedge between XYZ and me - his wife. Do you think she should get to buy my husband?"
As for your earlier question, I would make it a RULE that you write/email him every single day - at least once a day - while he's gone. If you can't be there in person, let him feel wrapped up in your thoughts by the act of communicating with him about every little thing going on in your life, so he'll still feel connected. It's that loss of connection, I think, that causes the problems.
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Catperson, Thanks for that advice. That makes perfect sense. My plan this month (while he is gone) is to try and work on ME. I'm going to do all of the things that I want to do and try to get rid of the insecurity that developed after the A. We have free counseling services here on post - I think I might take advantage of that as well. Not saying that I am the problem. I know that this is not my fault. BUT, I do realize that I did lose a part of myself to the insecurity and I want to fix that...or at least try to while my love is gone for a month. Still asking all of you for your prayers and thanks again for all of the advice and being there for me. Hope you have a great week! Andi
"No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted."
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What do you guys think about me calling this girl in the States if she continues to pursue him? She has not been on MySpace all week...and he will not have access to it all month. Thoughts?
Andi
"No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted."
Aesop
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Don't stoop to her level. You're better than that.
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Has anyone dealt with PTSD or depression in their marriage? Joey has been gone since the 5th of July. He should be home the beginning of August. I can't wait because bearing this weight while he is gone is hard. Not being able to work on things is hard. I really think he's depressed. He told me on the phone the other day that he is "just numb" and that he's "taking a break". Basically, what he is doing on this deployment is working from sun up to sun down - non stop. He told me he thinks he's lost another 10 pounds...on top of the 25 he's already lost. I'm worried about him. I love him so much and just want to do what I can to get us back on track. Any advice on depression or PTSD or where I might find more info would be helpful...
Thanks
Andi
"No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted."
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I think that the best "cure" for your H depression would be to be radicaly honest with you and start rebuilding the M.
Is NC implemented?
How about the communication between you two during this time?
E-mail daily? He called?
Be strong. And be carefull he might use the "depression" to have you all worried and working on him to avoid facing the A, and all that comes with it.
It will be all about him and before you notice you are exhausted and tired and frustrated... and angry and nothing related to the M will be improved.
Plan A, of course but make him respect you and confort you.
He is depressed, ok, he has to face the consequences, how about you?
d-Day- jan2006
Me 38, WH, 36
Children-8 and 10
status: slow, slow, recovery...
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Have not had the chance to read the full story but I will. DO NOT CONTACT HER. It is your H job to write a the NC letter. Ask your husband to cancel his MY SPACE and for your own sanity don't go to hers if you can help it...it will only make things worse for you...just a quick snipit for now until I read the whole story. I have a friend that deals with vets and PTSD I will ask her for any ideas or contact info for you. ((((((HUGS TO YOU)))))
DDay 2001, separated 2002, divorced Feb 2003, OW/WH married 2004 I believe, He cheated on her 2006 I believe. A vicious circle. I am with someone now who I lived with in 1993...funny how things work. I learned alot.
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MuffinCups...
Thank you so much for your reply. I look forward to any info you and your friend might have to share about dealing with depression and PTSD. I don't remember if I posted that he told me the other day that he is "just numb." I really don't think that my husband is out to have an affair. Not justifying his behavior. But, I think he needs help. I know he will most likely NOT go and speak to anyone professionally about it. That's why I am hoping that he will let it out to the "boys" since they are all back from Afghanistan now. Any prayers you can send my way will help. I love my husband and just want him to be ok.
Andi
"No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted."
Aesop
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Don't assume he isn't out to have an A...by some people's definition, he's already having one.
Also, as awful as it may sound, you'd better believe that a WS WILL use something like the death of a friend to help cover up an A.
"It's innocent. Talking to her about what happened really helps me!"
Do yourself a favor and assume the worst, then keep snooping until you have a reason not to believe it.
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Krazy 71...
I will not turn a blind eye to that possibility and will continue to watch him. I'll come here if I find anything more. Man...this is tough stuff.
Andi
"No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted."
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So....Joey is coming home this weekend after being gone for a month. We really have not talked much while he was gone...he was deployed and very busy. Any advice for when he gets home? I'm thinking: continue with Plan A. Give him time to unwind after being busy everyday for the past month. After a few days...try to gauge how he is feeling? Does this sound right?
Andi
"No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted."
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MuffinCups, You replied to my post back in July and mentioned that you had a friend who has experience with PTSD. Have you had a chance to check with them? I'd appreciate any feedback that they might have. Thank you for your understanding.... Andi
"No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted."
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Did you get a keylogger on his laptop?
In my opinion, he's involved in multiple As and you need hard facts about them. Then you can expose the affair(s) to his parents, his boss (the military frowns in inappropriate behavior), and anyone else who may have influence over him.
You can't improve your marriage chasing after depression and PTSD issues while he's in an A(s).
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