well what a hellish 4 weeks i have had.my husband of 8 years lost his job 1 year ago, not his fault, so i put in lots of extra hours at work to keep our heads above water, he got another job but only lasted 2 months again not due to him again, that was dec 20th 07. since then he has done lots of t.a and when he was at home id do overtime to help. this has of course left us with no time for us but i saw it as something that needed to be done.he didn't spend much time looking for a job, i did all the looking and then he would apply for some of them so this has gone on with the added pressure of my eldest sons dad getting in touch after 6 years and my mum being in hospital for 2 weeks and then coming to live with us for 4 weeks to recover. they went home this week.i also have a problem that i am quite nervous about going out and doing things, something that has gradually got worse since we had our son who is now 3 so we didn't have lots of time together before he lost his job to do heaps of things together. but through all this we loved each other more than anything i thought. 3 weeks ago he told me he didn't love me any more wow! huge shock. my working overtime left him feeling belittled im too controlling not loving enough and not looking after his needs as i should of done especially the last 12 months.what a wake up call. didn't know thats how hed been feeling never said anything. id just got my blinkers on to work to get some money, and didnt realise quite how bad my nervousness had affected the family, but we talked it all out and we decided to try to sort it out. im going out more with him, twice in 2 weeks am seeing the doc on fri for extra support he was coming with me.not know though then on fri last we had a meltdown but agreed to try for 4 weeks to see if we could rekindle any feelings for me. he then went away for the weekend, even went to bed together sun night, went out as a family mon but has since told me he felt it forced i and my sons had a great time. i had asked if he was seeing anybody else but he said no, i believed then this tue night i got hold of his phone and there it was the evidence a girl he had found on friends reunited an ex from 18 years ago he said hed held a flame. for through all our time together. SHOCK hed been seeing her for the past 3 months which is when he started pulling away altogether, and had stopped loving me then, but it has nothing to do with her! he says he loves her and her him i so desperately want to carry on trying to mend our marriage but he says its over and is leaving. i have tried to show him how much progress we are making together but he says its too late now i dont think so. what do i do for the best? any advice cant come soon enough please help

Read up on Plan A and Plan B. It sounds like you have a very good chance of succeeding in your marriage, and you personally will succeed regardless.

(Though in recovery, him having a job should be one of your boundaries, but you don't have to worry about that yet.)


Begin your Plan A immediately, no lovebusters, no clingy behaviors. They will just drive him farther away. Also, if you have SF you must protect yourself, as you cannot assume he won't give you something.

Welcome to MB.

hi thankyou for the quick reply. today thurs we went out together with our 3 yr old and his m&d for the day and we all had a really great time. while we were out he spoke to the o/w on his mobile. him me and our little one then went shopping together and got some take away to bring home for us all. this is everything that we both wanted to do before but never had the time to do.i am being calm through it all and he is being just like the husband i used to know just without the love on his part for me. so now we are home he tidy s the kitchen with me and we have a laugh and a joke we bath our little one and put him to bed. i suggest we play a game of something with our eldest and he tells me hes going out to visit her! he then went to look very gloomy i asked what was up and he said he felt guilty for doing this to me and felt selfish for thinking and putting himself first for a change. i said it was hard to change his ways but that he may get used to it.in the next breath he said he was thinking of moving in with a mate and he would need lots of big box's.i told him he didn't have to make any big decisions about moving out and could stay here as long as he wanted. he also said what a fantastic day he had had with us all. i really dont get where he is going with this.is he starting to feel he is maybe doing the wrong thing? is it just guilt? we are also going out tomorrow swimming as a family. this fills me with dread as i fear swimming but know it is something i must overcome the same as going out today. what do you think?

I think you need to expose to everyone that your H is having an affair. You don't threaten to expose, you just do - tell everyone, and that your intentions are to save your marriage and you'd appreciate their support.

thankyyou for the reply. i did expose the affair on tue to all his family my family and most of his friends from t.a. well to day is fri and what another roller-coaster for us all!!!!all went swimming this morning and i managed to do it and we all had another fantastic outing together. my sister came to sit with little one while we went shopping and then to my doctors appointment.it was today that i asked him again if he would stop the affair and was told point blank that he couldn't,wouldn't and didn't want to.we then went over the old ground of he didn't love me, wasn't her fault he felt selfish for doing this, i told him again i knew my part in the breakdown and he knew some of his.things then went back to normal of chatting away quite happily. he came with me to the doctors and i am now on mild antidepressants and am going to counciling to help with my phobias. i broke down on the way home blaming me for the most part for our problems it was so hard asking for help from the doctor knowing that i had failed to conqor my illness myself and had therefore not been able to play my part in the marriage as i should have done and not being able to put right my failings as a wife to him, but i am not taking the blame for all of it he is having the affair. he told me today that even if we had the most perfect marriage in the world he would still more than likely had still had the affair!!!he loves this o/w so much that i really don't know if it worth the pain of keeping hope of him coming back to us (he still sleeps here on the sofa)or weather i really should just put all my energy into getting myself better and letting him see what he has left.i now feel so much better, knowing i am getting help . hubby has even said he will support me with the recovery process as he still cares for me deeply, just dosnt love me! tonight we have spent a lot of time talking about the o/w, her kids her background her life, her 3 failed marriages at the age of 34! don't know if that's good or bad!said he was bothered about what my family thought about him,felt guilty for causing me so much pain, and that he wasn't ready to jump straight into a full blown relationship with the o/w yet and wanted some me time first! and so the saga continues me thinking im flogging a dead horse most of the time, but not yet giving up.really am so confused can any body point me in the right direction?

this is the next chapter, we are now getting on better and talking openly which was lacking for so long.i now know all about her and her life how they split up, his thoughts for her over the years and still i want to save this marriage. this is what love is all about!after asking if he would end the affair yesterday i am still trying to fill his en.he has noticed that i am doing things says how nice my hair looks says that he still finds me attractive but is also worried that he is giving me mixed signals about how he is feeling. told me today that he feels more guilty now that i know about it. he has just gone out to stay with her for the night is taking her kids to the park tomorrow but will be back here by about 12.00pm. how am i supposed to read that?this is the 2nd time he has stayed over . got hold of his phone again today they say how well they fit together how much they love each other etc..we were supposed to talk today about hoe we are going to sort out the divorce and some of the money bits as he has quite a few of direct debts from his account, we didn't do this. i told him that i wouldn't file for divorce,i still loved him, would fight for our marriage and that i knew that at the moment he had to do this in order to find out about the what ifs from 18 yrs ago. i also said i understood that it may end up in a full blown relationship or that it may fail and if it did i would still want him back. is this the right thing to have done? he is supposed to be moving out next Sunday but i have said that he dosnt have to and can stay for longer if he wishes (on the sofa!) and it could benefit us all all round.im still waiting for a reply on this one. we are going out next sat to a dinner together that had been planned ages ago. what is going on? am getting very mixed up on how i supposed to be handling this. can you help?

Only had time for a quick scan, but it looks like you're doing very well, so keep on as you are.

What you are describing for his feelings and back-and-forth actions is very typical. It doesn't mean too much in the short run - be prepared for him to be like a yo-yo, sometimes seeming almost normal, and other times like a monster.

But his actions are significant in the long run. Right from the beginning you've got him cake-eating, still wanting the OW but letting you meet quite a few of his needs, too. As you keep on making you and your home an attractive place to be, you are feeding him cake. That is great, as long as you know when it is time to cut off his supply.

In Plan B, he will be tormented by the memories you are giving him right now. And though you can never predict for sure, the more dependent a WS gets on the home-cake, the faster they usually crumble.

Great job, overall.

Your delaying tactics are working well, too. He is reluctant to move out, or he would already have done so. He may yet leave, but no sense making it easy.

Also, I would caution you against focusing on the OW. You know enough about her to cover any info you need, so act as if she doesn't matter. If he brings her up, by all means listen to what he says, since it's good that he's opening up a little, but then when he finishes gaze dreamily into his eyes and say, "Remember when we....[fill in appropriate sentimental or even naughty memory]...???"

thank you so much for the reply. its so good to hear somebody else's point of view. the story continues.....he stayed at the o/w house last night and came back here about 1.00pm we went shopping again after he asked if i would go with him and we decided to have a b.b.q. after coming home he looked so lost. i asked what he was thinking about. said that the reality had probably made him think a bit more and if i thought i could beat my illness of anxiety and depression. i answered that i could with the help of my family and my doctor, i can do anything! he then took hold of my hand and gave me a hug!!! he hasn't done this for about 5 weeks. i was so shocked., but i just melted. iv missed those things from him. we have now had a wonderful afternoon outside laughing and talking about nothing in particular and he is now putting our son to bed. ill let you know what happens next!!!

well more talking on our relationship last night.i asked again if he would leave the o/w and he said he didn't know. i explained that it would be hard but i will support him through all of it because that is what love is. he told me that he was scared that if we did get back together that i would be the same person i was before i got help for my illness. i answered that it wouldn't be easy and there would be times when i would find it hard but that i have the belief in myself that i would overcome it.he didn't love the person my illness had turned me into. i asked if he had said anything to Sarah about how he was feeling and he said not. as far as she is concerned she is in a a happy loving relationship that is going somewhere!so now he has started his new job. i sent him a txt to wish him good luck he rang me at lunch to let me know how he was getting on and has now gone to his sisters to have a chat about everything. he told me i thought it was between me and the o/w but that it was also if he needed to have some time on his own completly. so i am sitting here typing away hopeing that he will come to his senses, but feeling that i have already lost him, but trying to keep up plan a. if anybody has any idea how the male mind works in these situations i would be glad of the advice. thankyou

he came home as he said he would but said nothing about what he had decided, i never asked thought i would wait till he says something. just a quick question. i exposed his affair to all our family and his work friends but i have found a way to let o/w friends know what is going on to through the internet on facebook and sending a message.i exposed to the first lot 1 week ago. is it too late to expose to her friends?

Very quick post, as I am going out of state for 6 weeks, and completely offline for several days.

As much help as I can give you with a peek into the male WS mindset is in my story (link below), mostly the first 5-6 pages, but occasional bits after that if you have a very long time, lol.

I would also suggest starting a thread on General Questions with a brief synopsis, as you will get lots more traffic over there. You seem to have all the ingredients for an awesome Plan A/Plan B, as long as you stick to it and don't get discouraged when you don't get instant results. Because you won't get instant results.

No, it is not too late to expose to her friends. If you think of anybody later, while the A is still ongoing, go ahead and tell them too, and respectfully ask them to use any influence they have to support your marriage, not the A.

All the best, and I'll be praying for you while I'm out of touch.

thank you again for your reply. i just want to thank everybody on this site as you really are all lifesavers and i really don't think i would have kept myself together if you guys hadn't been here so THANK YOU. so it continues. we again talked last night (why didn't we do this before?) and we decided between us to try to put right our marriage.The 2 parts of the deal were as well as everything else is that he will give up all contact with o/w and i will carry on with my counciling and recovery with my anxiety. if either of us slips then we reconsider. we both know that it is going to be a long hard road for both of us and there will be times when we feel that it would be easier to go back to our old ways but we will persevere. my concerns are the way he is going to tell her face to face. She will i know beg him not to leave her etc.. but he wont allow me to go with him to show that we mean this.I really don't know if i should trust him to do this face to face or if i should push it and insist he speak to her on the phone or do it by letter.we really are being so open with each other right now but then he did hide his affair for 4 months! He sent her a txt last night which i saw that said he wanted to meet her after work today but that is going to happen now as she is busy so as far as i know he will see her tomorrow after work. Help, what do i do.

Best way to end an affair is a "no-contact letter." It says something basically like this, "(Name) - I have decided to end our affair. I am reconciling with my W. In order to do this successfully, it's impossible to continue any communications with you. Please respect my wishes and do not contact me. Signed - H." YOU SIGN AT THE BOTTOM ALSO - so she knows YOU know. And then YOU mail it.

Many wayward spouses want to meet the lover in person, to explain. Not a good idea, and we've seen many examples over the years, here on this board, of such an "ending" just igniting the affair again.

Phone calls are the same problem.

I suggest you insist that he do a no-contact letter instead of meeting with her.

He has ended the affair his way and gone to see her to tell her. I have also sent a message to by any means possible at the same time to confirm what is happening, He wouldn't go with the letter. ive just phoned him to see how it was going and he is tearing his heart apart and crying and i cant do anything to help. He has done it for his marriage, so now im sitting her waiting for my hubby to come home so we can start our new life.....

kavy, it is a VERY BAD idea to end affairs in person. More often than not, they end in bed with the OP restarting the affair. Ending something means you END it, not that you go and do it again. If I were you, I would go over there myself NOW.

he came home so upset and i saw the txt messages she had sent him since he broke up with her. not nice. she then sent txts to my hubby as she was finding the messages i had sent to her through the various channels on the computer and also one from my mobile. She really didnt like it! Today is fri morn and hubby has gone to work and this is also the first day of our new life and the first day that i have got to trust him not to txt o/w or see her after work. today is going to be a very hard day but i have to try for the sake of our marriage. We are really looking forward to our night out tomorrow and it is the first time in the 3 years since our little one was born that i havnt been with him. We have always had babysitters here and this w/end he is staying with his grandparents, so all in all this is going to be one hell of a test for both of us.I am struggling with the trust issue but im guessing that as time goes on it may become easier, who knows, but i will always be looking for the signs of him straying again, who knows if it will ever go away.....

No, you do not have to trust him. It is not advised here to trust a WS, because they have already proven themselves to be untrustworthy. You are not required to trust him, it is required of him to be honest and rebuild the trust.

The avenues of communication (txt messages, etc.) need to be closed so OW cannot reach your WH. Other posters may have more specific advice about how to do so.

Hi folks, havnt posted for a week, but what a week its been, and thank you to everybody who has helped me so far, BIG HUGS to you all!

We had a fantastic night out last sat just as it should of been. Both of us enjoying ourselves and no affair talk, although some of the lads in his unit told me i has b--ls for trying again with him.don't know if that was a compliment from them or what!

Anyway this week has been a test for both of us.He is in his second week of his new job which seems to be going well.I am coping well with him going to work and him having his phone with him.I am checking his phone details on-line so know he is telling the truth when he says he hasn't phoned or txted her,although he did tell me this week that he had wanted to phone her to make sure she was ok and tp say sorry. This didn't happen.

I had a compleat wobble on Wed as he went to T.A for the first evening since he has committed to our marriage again and this was his way of seeing the o/w.I phoned and texted him and asked him to come home, which when he answered he told me he wouldn't do. I was so mad.H just came home at his normal time and then we had a talk about how i felt while he was out for the evening,i knew that it would be hard him going out for the evening but didn't think i would be soo bad, but i had been feeling not right all day,that is due to the a/d im on they have been to strong for me and have now been changed.

Apart from that we have had a wonderful week. I am still doing plan A. what a wonderful thing it is, and it seems to be working for us.We went out last night for a walk with dogs and children and he held my hand. BREAKTHROUGH! He is away this weekend from Fri night through Sun afternoon and i know this is going to be another test for us. We sat and had another talk last night and he has finally told me how he felt after o/w finished with him and the hurt he had from 18 yrs ago, and then said some things that surprised me like saying the things he had said about our marriage while he was in the affair were for effect and the point of them was to make me throw him out so he then could go to live with his sister and then fetch o/w on the scean as the new relationship in his new life after me! Just the sort of thing that is said in these forums. He also apologised for the hurt and pain. Wow what a chat. I now understand more than i ever thought i could about him. Good thing this open and honesty policy!!

And to top it all as he was leaving this morning he told me he loved me, which made me cry. I am so pleased we are now (hopefully) on our way to recovery. I know it will take lots of time hard work on both our parts, but the end result will be worth it. I wont stop ever keeping an eye on his behaviour, i did once and look where that got me! My eyes are now well and truly open as regards that.. Will check in again soon and let you know what is happening. THANKYOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT AND ILL HELP WITH OTHERS AS AND WHEN I CAN.