There has been no contact with the OM. The OM demanded it and so did I. I seriously have had no contact with him. Its been a month or more now with no contact. And there was never anything physical between us. He lives in another state. He never asked, I never offered, and I never put myself in that situation with him. I did not want to.

Your words are very encouraging. I will do just that. I will make sure my H knows I am going to make a difference. I will start today. Thank you.

I thought you said before that you offered to have SF with him, but he said "no"?

No...I never said that.

Cat,

I haven't ignored them. I don't recall them. What are they?

If you didn't offer it up to him...how do you know he won't sleep with you while you are married?

Here is your previous statement regarding this issue....

My H is wonderful. I do not doubt it. Right now, I doubt our entire marriage and THAT has nothing to do with the OM. He is not an A$$ and has asked me to make a decision because he no longer wants to share. He will not sleep with me while I am married and has made that a FACT. No, I am under no time limit but he pulls himself away because he wants me to make the decision. He says it is best that we do not contact each other and I agreed.


link

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=151402&Number=2079997#Post2079997

But I did not offer it. He stated that he was not in the relationship for sex that he would not have sex with me while I was married. Doesn't mean I offered. OM just stated it.

He just said it during a conversation.

So, just out of the blue he said, "I won't sleep with you while you are married"? Seems a little presumptious on his part to assume that it is up to him to decide if the both of you were going to sleep together.....without your input.

I think there is common agreement that the relationship was inappropriate and wrong, and I am having a hard time seeing how picking about what may or may not have been said during the affair is going to help Rain move forward with Dude.

I know that it seems impossible Rain, but you will have to start seeing OM for the man he really is. Without seeing him as a man who was destructive to you, your life, your child, your marriage, you will have a hard time moving forward and getting past this. (that is the point of bringing out stuff about OM) but so many posters.

You may argue that the issues in your marriage have nothing to do with OM... and while that may have been true before the affair.. once OM was brought into the equation, things changed. You and Dude will have to deal with OM before you can even begin to look at the other stuff that was creating a chasm between the two of your in your marriage. That stuff still exists, but it is stilling behind this huge wall of the OM - for both of you.
(even if you can't see it right now thru your fog).

madlydeeply,


I was just reiterating the point that she in fact "did" have intentions of sleeping with this guy....not like she claims.

If she can just come here and bullsh!t, and get away with bullsh!tting...what exactly is she going to learn from any of this?

I do agree with you that she had every intention of sleeping with this guy.
She is claiming not to now in an attempt to 'save face' a bit - which, hopefully she is getting the point that that effort is pointless.

I think she's getting called on quite a bit of bullsh!t :-) (rightly so) and your post showing it was enough (in my opinion)to prove the point.

She's going to learn what she allows herself to lean - regardless of how much she is 2x4'd or coddled.

No, it came up during a conversation we were having about everything...the entire situation. Not to say that I believed him. Give a man the opportunity and 9 times out of 10 they will take it.

I agree with you that the OM was destructive. And yes, I am having a hard time seeing him for it but I understand. We were both destructive and I am as much to blame for it. I gave him the hint that I was unhappy and instead of running away he kept waiting and hoping that I would get a D. I guess when I say that the OM has nothing to do with it what I am really trying to say is that I am removing him from the picture and focusing on what I need to do to fix us, me and my H. I am trying to say that I am not thinking of leaving the M for him because he is no longer in the picture.

You are entitled to your opinion but I know the truth. Think what you want and it is understandable that you think that but it is simply not true.

I never had intentions on sleeping with him. It wasn't an option for me. I wouldn't do that because my feeling was if I am really interested in this guy, he would never be able to trust me if I sleep with him now. He will always know that our relationship began while I was married so there would be no future. So why would I do that? More importantly, the first affair scared me so bad and I still have a sick feeling when I think about having to tell my H the details of a physical A. So I would not allow myself and I tricked myself into thinking that if this remained unphysical, then it wasn't really an A. I did not want to go thru that.

Rain, true or not, it IS what is presented from the situaion. And if we (a group of strangers) can see and hear it, I can gaurentee that Dude is thinking the same thing. (I think I used the word intention when what I think makes more sense is Desire). I'd be willing to bet that Dude firmly believes that you wanted to have sex with this man (if he doesn't question if you already did....) - and that is a problem for the two of you. For him to hear you defend a man in that position is like a knife is his back each time.

He needs to knowt that while you may have made poor choices in the past, that you can see more clearly now - that you can see that OM is the biggest mistake you have every made in your life. That he's a jerk for the part he has played in this horrible situation, that if he was a good, honorable man at all, he would not have participated in the affair with you at all.