I TOTALLY understand the need to make him HURT. I don't think my H has any concept of the pain that I have endured and I would LOVE to dish it out. But it isn't helpful and in the end I ask myself if I want to recover or if I want revenge. Revenge doesn't really make me happy in the long run...so I fight the urge and work on the other stuff.

I think it's natural to want to hurt him back. There are some threads on here about revenge affairs (I know that's not what you're thinking, but it might have some info). You just have to find a way to move past that.

I do it all the time. It makes me physically sick and feeling toxic though and has taken a HUGE toll on my health. I sometimes wonder if underneath it all, I'm truly punishing myself because I don't think that I was worthy of having a H that was faithful. That's a twisted thought, isn't it?

That's why I think the CODA or Alanon (free) group will help you. I agree with HTM that you guys need some counseling, but if you can't do that financially right now, don't give up on yourself. Do the work on YOU and then you'll be even better and more prepared.

I have to remind myself every day ( I pass through her town 2 times a day when commuting) that she does not deserve to have free rent in my head! It takes effort. I look forward to the day that I have passed through the town and not thought of her even one time.

Fiori,
I understand about contractors - unfortunately you have to keep after them if you want the job done right. It's hairraising but in the end you be pleased with the results of the renovation and they will be gone one day. My H EA went on somewhere between 4-6 months. The OW went to the same gym and they would go out afterwards - of course lying to me about it. When he started staying out later and later I knew something was up. He was also communicating with ladies via cell phone that he met through online dating. Imagine how I felt when I saw him shirtless photo showing off his body for his dating website photo (Puke!). I still can't believe he carried phone conversations with his single male friend about ladies in front of my son. I ache for what my kids were exposed to but believe me his actions came back to bite him in the [censored] months later when my kids acted a certain way and it brought him to tears because of the realization of what his action caused (I have teenagers). I have to say the book Relationship Rescue through MC was a big help to both of us in our recovery. The first chapter is dedicated to working on yourself and that's what you need to do. To much of your focus is on him. Start to feed yourself with positive things. I know this is hard to do when your dealing with home and kids. You may enjoy one of Sarah Ban Breathneck books.

Do I see progress???

Tonight H was going to be late. Knowing that this is a huge trigger for me he called from his desk (not his cell phone) and asked me how to spell a word that he was using in an email. This, I know, was his way of showing me that he was really still at work and was thankful that when he called to tell me he'd be late I simply said "ok, let me know when you begin to wrap things up".

Just know...this was mucho tough for me. I really want to scream at him "QUIT YOU JOB YOU DUMB A#$. I NEED TO KNOW YOU AND THE DUMPY RED-HEAD DO NOT SHARE A ZIP CODE!!!!"

I refrained.

Excellent progress from both of you. You have to celebrate the efforts that he is making and celebrate the efforts that you are making.

WooHoo!!!

So,
What your saying is that I'm NOT allowed to hollar at him because it's 7:45 and he's still not home? Hmmmm....I'm in control, but every passing moment it gets more and more difficult.

i'm in control...i'm in control...i'm in control...i'm in control...REPEAT

Yes, that was his way of showing you that he was really at work. Most email programs have spell checkers (unlike these post boards) and if not, it's much easier to look it up online or through Words than calling someone...anyone.

Good job Fi!

I'm curious. Did you husband do the NC letter?

G

This is actually a yes & no response. When I came up with the knowledge of a NC letter, NC had already been established. OW's mother died and the funeral was an hour away. H did not go and this seemed to cement for her his seriousness, as many others from work did go. But, I'm no fool. He did write the letter and he did sign it. I have it in my posession and he knows that any time there is any sort of contact the letter gets mailed certified mail to OW. So far, this has not been needed. I will probably never know if he's being totally honest with me, but I try to judge by his actions and his words here at home. I think I believe he's cleared his head of her...I know I sure have not. I work every day to push the constant thoughts of this person out of my mind. Funny, his EA and I'm the one thinking of the dumpy red-head every day!

I know what you mean. You didn't ask for these kind of memories but unfortunately once there you can't get them out. I'm glad I never saw the OW.

Hey GA,
How are you doing?

I'm good today. Since Dday last August my husband has been great. He pretends it never happened but like you said the memories are there in the mind for me. I only deal with resentment sometimes and that seems to be popular with BSs. We are much better at meeting each other's needs now.

Good morning from sunny SoCal...

Fiori, how's the kitchen coming?

And good afternoon from cloudy Pennsylvania!!!

Aaaahhhh, the kitchen. This job has proven to be a real thorn in my side. Never mind the fact that I've waited approx. 12 years to get to this point, but we are also paying up front for everything we can so our cash flow is basically non-existent. And, my lovely kiddies are not understanding that too well!

Last week was the installation. 80% is up. But, we're in a bit of a dispute about the hood over the cook-top. Apparently the wrong size was ordered by the cabinet maker and the kitchen guy. Thankfully H and I did none of the measuring so it's really their fault. But, they both seem to feel the burdon is on us, as we signed off on the design. Well, I was never given an itemized bill for each cabinet ordered. I asked three times but was never given one. I suppose that was my mistake. I was too trusting!!!! Gosh, that's how I got here in the first place.

Anyway, now we're playing a waiting game. I can wait this guy out...that much I know for sure. Tomorrow the granite will be installed so I can have a sink and cook-top again. It's been two weeks without and it's really hard to do dishes in the bathroom pedestal sink! All in all, I love what portion of the results I have. I just wish it would be a little easier. But, what I have learned over this past year is that things are just things...it's the people who really matter and how you treat them and how they treat you. Hmmm...I hear thunder and it's trumpet lesson time. We'll chat later.

This is so true! I had spoken to a consultant and he told me if I wanted the renovation completed to work out the problems with the contractor. It was painful but I did it and it all worked out in the end. I guess you can say the same for recovery!!

Well.... I suppose I can trust my instincts!!!

This morning I looked in H's email's on his blackberry. Ok, so he must think I'm the dumbest human in the world. No, no emails on the inbox section from OW. But, I can read and I can listen. So, I open an email from another guy...John. The reference line says 'statements'. I know that OW has worked with H in the past on statements. Oh, and there it is... a series of email's between John and Ow about certain jobs that are running and processing. And, to top it all off...H is on the line where the email says "to". So, he's been getting emails indirectly from her relating to job stuff probably all along. He says it's not a big deal. She's not communicating directly with him, it's with John. He's is John's boss so it's necessary for him to be clued into exactly what's going on. Ok, I was abundantly clear as to what my version of ZERO is. He knew that i expected transparency. I expected him to be truthful and not evasive. You see, my H believes if he does not say it then it never really happened. Evasive. He believes that sins of ommmission are not real. SO, now I feel as if I 'm back at square one. I feel like all the progress has been wiped away. I feel like I'm married to a stranger. He was angry with me because I was not believing him when he says he has no relationship at all with OW> He says I'm keeping the hurt and pain alive by not moving forward and not letting certain things go. I looked him straight in the eye and told him that there was NO way he was going to blame me because he got caught in another lie. I was not going to be his scape goat for his stupidity and his selfish actions. Plan A out the window!!! This man is a nutjob and I'm embarrassed to have believed him for as long as I did. I wish I knew what to think. I wish I had a crystal ball. I wish I had a different marriage. I wish the dumpy red-head would fall off the face of the earth. My gut says to go into the city today and confront HER. I want to make a scene!!! I want to embarrass him and her! I want them to squirm like I am now. I want them to cry, to have to pretend for the sake of their children, to lose 25 lbs, to lose sleep and to be sad morning, noon & night!!!!!!!
I will go to church now and try to erase the anger and sadness that has come over me.

Oh wait....let me add more.
Apparently, I'm being unfair to him!!!! Now if that isn't the most ridiculous selfish pig like attitude I've ever heard. I'm the unfair one!!!!!!!!@!

\My anger right now is consuming. How dare that piece of sh/...tell me that I'm unfair. Because he apparently control whether or now others cc him on an email and then the piece of crap whore is able to continue emailing him under the guise of work.

So, the messege on my cell phone goes like this....


"I love you. I wish you would believe me when I say this to you. I have absolutely no contact with that person and I do not wish to have any now or ever again. I will get a new job. I will not stay here any longer...this I can promise to you. Please believe me...I love you."

I am a very reserved and quiet person, usually. But, in the last year of my life I have begun using the F word like it's 'the'. I hate what these two losers have turned me into. I don't even recognize myself any more. Somebody stop the ride.....I WANT TO GET OFF.

(((fiori)))) So sorry to read this. This must feel like another betrayal all over again.

I have worried about you for a while now...I don't know how I would deal with the triggers you have had to deal with and now this. Your H is extremely lucky you have put up with as much as you have.

What are you going to do?

I only wish I knew what I should do. This is his job...this is our livelihood. But, it's our marriage too. I just feel so insignificant. He has called three times in the last hour professing his love for me and that we've been through so much over the last 1 1/2 yrs. and that I should not let something that was out of his control get in the way of our recovery. He says I'm the reason we are not recovering because I'm unable to forgive. Forgive what??? Forgive that he brought a third party into our marriage and that he continues to grace the same zip code as her? Hmm...do I sound like a woman who's forgiven? The funny thing is that lately I've felt pretty good. I can even go two days without asking him if he's had any alien encounters. That's our code so we can speak if the kids are around. He comes home and says..."oh, by the way, I didn't have any alien encounters today." This has helped me tremendously. So, now he says I'm being unreasonable. The emails were not generated by him and the only reason they came to him was because him employee is wrapped up with the job. My deal was zero contact. If she has to look at a distribution list and check the box of who she wants the email to go to and his name is one of them...that is not zero. It's intolerable. It's disrespectful. I really want to go into the city and find her. I want to sit across from her woman to woman and find out what exactly she has going through her mind. Then, I want to smack her across the side of the head. Ok, so that's my plan. Do you think I'll get arrested? That would be the funny part. She wrecks my marriage and I get arrested. I wonder how often that really does happen?
Anyway, we all know that's not going to happen. So, my plan is that I have no plan. Smart, huh?