I did go look into opening a checking account at the school today. I would be pretty easy.

Mys

Well, that's something, hey? I've never had a joint checking account. Isn't that strange? I've never married my fortune with any one elses. LOL

That reminds me of a Simon & Garfunkel song I used to love -

~~" let us be lovers we'll marry our fortunes together
Ive got some real estate here in my bag
So we bought a pack of cigarettes and mrs. wagner pies
And we walked off to look for america
kathy, I said as we boarded a greyhound in pittsburgh
michigan seems like a dream to me now
It took me four days to hitchhike from saginaw
Ive gone to look for america"~~

I was trying to think of something that helped me when I realized I needed to get away from my DD's dad. It wasn't that I didn't love him, because I loved him more than life itself, but I realized finally that it was killing me.

I think Mysch, what helped me the most was that I came to understand that I didn't have to stop loving him (that, in my mind, was an impossible feat, and one I didn't want to do anyway)...I finally realized (decided) that I didn't have to stop loving him, I just had to get away from him. I could love him from afar. It was important to me that I didn't have to stop loving him.

I was so much in love that I remember telling my dad (an ex military war hero who probably thought I had lost my mind) that DD's dad had the most beautiful handwriting I had ever seen. My dad would just shake his head, and I'm thinking he was saying to himself "daughter, oh boy you have it bad".

I do know what you are going through. At first I was likening you to myself and the ex that brought me here, the lying, cheating POS, but now I'm thinking that you are worried about the love you feel for your husband. That was what I felt for DD's dad. It was such a hard thing to do, to leave him, but I had to.

Anyway, I was looking for something inspiring today, and came across a quote that made me think of you, so I post it here, for you -

Use your mind to your advantage, Mysch, don't allow it to wonder to and fro.

"The possibilities of thought training are infinite, its consequence eternal, and yet few take the pains to direct their thinking into channels that will do them good, but instead leave all to chance." ~Marden

myschae;




Yes, I'm sure there were good times and good memories, so lets look at that for a moment.

The actions, the things you did together WERE AND ARE REAL, those were not a dream or a lie. Your feelings about those things are also REAL, they are not a lie, nor are they a dream.

So what part of it isn't real? Well, that could be the feelings or thoughts we assume another person has, that really don't exist.

Lets look at an example.

You've mentioned your husband is a gamer, so you decide to sit down and play a game with him, you really don't enjoy the game itself, but you do enjoy spending time with your husband.

Now because you played the game, and had fun while doing so, he assumes you now like gaming as much as he does, and tries to get you into other games, and he gets upset that your not getting into it as much as he is since *you* had fun and liked it so much.

So while, yes, you played the game, and yes you had fun..however, his assumption you had fun because you 'liked' the game would be wrong, the truth is you had fun because you were spending time with him, not because you actually LIKED the game.

So is his assumption correct that you had fun because you actually enjoyed the game; or is your truth correct *you* had fun because you were spending time with him, and not because you enjoyed playing the game.

So it's not necessarily two different realities, it's more assumptions of how they think someone else feels/thinks based on what they themselves feel/think.

So while your memories are real, you (like all of us do at some point and time) assume the other person feels/thinks the same thing about those things.

So while you feel love towards your husband and have some wonderful memories of your time together, your feelings about how YOU felt are real..it's just your understanding of how he really felt may be off, and that's understandable, in that he has lied to you about so many things including how he's felt.

You can't know his *true* feelings unless he shares them, and therefore, your left making assumptions as to how he feels, just as he can't know your *true* feelings unless you tell him.

So the craziness comes from your being forced to live with assumptions brought about by his lying to you about how he really felt.

So why has he lied to you for so long? Maybe his own fear of being alone, and the belief that having someone there next to you will some how make him *feel* less lonely? When in reality, merely having someone there next to you doesn't always make a person 'feel' less lonely, often times they feel even more alone.

it also sounds like he's living his life based on his belief that this is the only thing there is..there is no eternal life (good or bad) and so he must have as much 'fun' in this life as he can before he dies..before he goes off into nothingness for all eternity.

> “Where did you get the impression I wanted to force him into anything?”

From all of your posts. Not physically force, but emotionally. Unable to wake up from the dream kind of force.


> “I know this relationship isn't going to work but there was some good in there, somewhere. It can't all have been bad.........can it? What do I do with my memories?”

I can definitely relate. I have memories of a sacred long-term marriage untainted by adultery. Then I find out more than half of it was a lie. Memories are just that – memories. Pages in a book already read. Dwelling on memories is counterproductive, for me anyway. And indeed, I now realise most of it was bad.

You yourself wrote your memories have evaporated.


> “Might be the meds, they tend to fuzz things out and around.”

I know. I was on ADs for a year two different D-days each. They have changed me. I do not think as clearly as I once did. (And it isn’t age dammit - not yet.) Math I used to be able to do in my head, answers to complicated problems I could just see, now take paper and pencil. Such a waste of time paper and pencil. And I can’t write, hold as many ideas in my head at once, as well as I used to. I loose the thread of things more often than I ever did before all this.


>”My goodness, obsessed with? I just had this confirmed last Sunday and I'm obsessed. Don't I get a little time to process? My goodness do people really just turn it off like a light that quickly?”

Ah, now we are getting somewhere. I like this response a lot. You still have spark in you! This is a very good attitude to have. It will carry you far. I am encouraged. Keep it up.

Oh, and no, normal people can’t just turn it off like a light switch.


Pay attention to Josie. She is good smart people.

And if you don’t mind, I added you, your recovery and your future to my prayers.

With prayers,

Myschae - have you considered that his "idea" of sex with his wife is founded in the idea that sex is "all about" performance?

A long time ago I mentioned a book called Magnificent Marriage, by Gordon MacDonald. There is some very good information in there about the whole issue and the "difference" in one's orientation toward not just marriage, but the "act of marriage."

Perhaps L would be willing to put aside his disgust with anything "non-atheistic" for a little bit and just consider the concepts presented in that book as something to consider. Obviously, his "getting tired" of the "same old, same old" is the problem, and if it's ever going to change FOR HIM, he needs to "wrestle" with concepts of WHY monogamy in marriage is best and why he might be "thinking the wrong way" about sex.

What do you think, would he entertain such a study rather than go straight to divorce without "giving it a REAL try" first?

That is extremely immature and very selfish behavior for someone in a marriage, or committed relationship. All he cares about is himself and men like this can never be satisfied. And, you will never be happy with him because of it.


I agree that you know it's over, because he is so selfish and immature, that you can see that he has no desire to change, and you know that. A future with him is hopeless.


I understand your pain, boy do I ever. You're going to have to let go of what could be, and come to grips with what is.

At least if you remove yourself from this situation, you have a chance at happiness with someone else later down the road. If you stay with this selfish and immature man, it's likely you will never have that chance, especially if he is not fully repentent and remorseful for the damage he caused.

Go to plan B and get healthier, away from him. Learn to validate your own feelings, by yourself. You don't need him to validate them for you. It'll never happen, unless he wants you bad enough to try to recover this marriage with you. Right now, all he cares about is himself. That is so obvious to everyone here. And I've been reading your story for quite some time now.

You can't see it or feel it yet, but once you've been in plan B for awhile, taking care of yourself and wounds, you will start to feel sooooo much better about yourself and your future. You will never be able to heal in the midst of this insanity.

And even his own hand is "other stimulation".

And btw, he is "not sorry" he hurt you. If he was really sorry and meant it, he would no longer do it. Actions speak much louder than words.

He may feel bad that he hurt you, but not enough to stop hurting you. He's probably just sorry that he's paying for the fact that he hurt you, not that he's REALLY sorry.