I appreciate the honesty in responses.

I guess all I can do at the moment is follow my plan and ensure no love busters and follow the rules of marriage. We have moved to another county and he admitted last night that aside from the career move, the other reason for the move was to get away from ow and to reconnect with me.

I guess my next question is - how/when do I know that he is geniunely remorseful and sorry for the affair?

"There comes a point where the a is more trouble than its worth"

If you asked him to choose between you and her and to make a list of pros and cons for each relationship. I would say that the pros would by far outweigh the cons for you and vice versa for her.Amongst the cons for my ow were

1 H did'nt feel comfortable with her taste in interior decoration

2 She always took forever to make even the smallest decision

It is small things like this which are important pieces of the jig saw puzzle

Since my last update, things have been going ok. One small bump in the road, but aside from that no love busters - we have been very happy.

However, things have started to fal apart again. I have already outlined that my WH is in a very specialised field - there are only 2 vacant positions in his field in our home city (we are currently living o/seas). He has now applied for one of these jobs, which also happens to be at the work location of the OW.

I told my WH that I was extremely unhappy with them working in the same location again. He reassured me that he had learnt the lesson and he doesn't want anything to do with her. I am struggling to believe him and told him that the minute they see each other again, the affair would reignite - he tried to reassure me otherwise, but I remain convinced of this.

We had a very long, emotional discussion about this yesterday - he won't withdraw his application, and I won't go back to that life. It got to the point where I didn't want to see or speak to him - so we spent the day apart and barely spoke last night. I didn't sleep last night.

So, now I am faced with a situation which I dread and will crush me. I know I cannot go back to our home city knowing what will occur - their affair forced me into counselling and nearly gave me a nervous breakdown. I can't go back to that life (and I told him that.) I have been very happy in the new country, (still can't get work though), so I really see that my only option is to remain without him in the new country. But living without him breaks my heart.

I don't know what to do.

I admit I have not read each of your posts but have you exposed the affair to the HR department of the company he works for? Perhaps if they new of the past A, they will not want to risk having them work together and not allow the transfer.

Just a thought.

I think you'll find this information helpful

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

It appears you WH is not keeping your M safe.

An update on my situation. But - a brief summary of the situation to save those not familiar with this to catch up.

Background: Married 23 years - husband had an EA with younger co-worker for 10 months(30 year old "Elizabeth"). I sought counselling and nearly had nervous breakdown. WH works in highly specialised field (15 years uni study) and we moved o/seas for further training for him. Since moving o/s we have been very happy and reconnected - following "no love busters" rule.

Current situation: A job was published in our home country. Given very speciality nature of his profession, he applied and in the last 24 hours accepted the position. It is the same organisation as OW (different dpartment). He knows how unhappy I am and why. New job doesn't start until August 09 - so we still have 12 months in new country.

I have read that NC is required for marriages to be successful. (I have read all the books and articles on marriagebuilders.)

There is no way he will resign from this position - it has been a lifelong goal.

I have read that this situation never works - marriages ultimately end in divorce when WH and Ow work together. Should I stop living in hope and move out now and rebuild my life without him?

Hi Veryupset,

I have just read your entire thread. You were advised months ago to send a letter to OW's place of employment detailing the fact that she was actively pursuing your H and using work equipment to do so. I am not sure who suggested that and it was phrased much better but if you had followed that advice, you would be in a better position now.

The bottom line is that your FWH has put his career above you and your M. Not a good sign IMHO. I know that I could not live with that choice by my H. You need to strengthen your boundaries. Telling him that you wil be "very unhappy" if he accepts this job was not good enough.

Is he still going to take the position if you don't go with him?

God's Blessings,

Say

Your right in everything you say.

We have discussed at length my views about the EA and I told him I would not be returning home with him if he had to start new job immediately.....I told him I do not trust him and that the affair will start again - and I'm not prepared to live with that.

Will I still feel this way in 12 months time when we are due to return home and to new job? I don't know the answer to that.....If I feel the same way (emotionally crippled), then I think I need to bail out now and start anew.

I have not heard from anybody since my last post.

I have decided I am going to start building my new life in new country. WH returns to home country in 12 months to new job (where OW works) and knowing that he has accepted this position and put this job before our marriage tells me all I need to know.

I am working part-time now and in the process of interviews for a great full-time job which will provide me with the income to live independantly in new country. Once I secure this I will be moving out.

I haven't used the forum for a while, but find I need to "talk" to whoever is out there.

Since my last post - I have secured a great full-time job in new country (USA), but I haven't moved out of home (as I said I would) to start my new life. There are many reasons for this starting with not wanting to spend Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years along, but quite frankly, I still love the man in my life (together 24 years) despite the OW.

He flew me to my favourite city in the world for my birthday in Jan. where we had the most fabulous time. We were happy.

Shortly after our return - I found out that the OW is now studying in the same speciality field as my husband. (I'm not sure, but I suspect it is also at the same organisation that he works for when we return to home country in October.)

I confronted him and he assures me he didn't know anything about this. (I have his personal email and mobile no. and there has been no contact since leaving home country in July 08.)

He returns to home country to new job at organisation in October and repeaditly assures me that he has learnt his lesson. We have talked about what was missing in our relationship (communication) and I have worked on that (he now says I am a different person) But I insist I can't go back to that life - we are at a stalemate.

Any advice?? I can't stand this pain.