For some time I have seen so many people ask if recovery is possible... what it is... how do you get there... is it real.
I thought about this for some time and finally decided that maybe a short description of my path down the recovery trail might help just one person. So here it is. Maybe others could also write about their experiences from either a BS or FWS perspective.
I am coming from the position of a FWS .. the therapy I did...and also some study I have done for some time in this general area. This is the process I went through however not one size fits all. So here we go .... and a lot is straight out of a lot of manuals or could easily be so. And a lot is very familiar to what has been said on MB before... that's because it WORKS!!!
So some back ground to the process for me as I understand it... GETTING PROFESSIONAL HELP
The first thing is that I am assuming that the affair is definitely over and that both partners want to continue their marriage... and that's often a big "If" in these situations. One of the first things that should be of priority should be the work that you as a FWS should begin in the restoration of trust. I really do feel that this can best be achieved by going together for help. If both partners seek only individual psychotherapy or none ... this may again build a wall of secrecy and privacy between them and cause further alienation. The old saying of physician heal thyself is quite relevant.
However... if the couple works together with a marriage and family therapist who is trained to treat these crises... they can put the infidelity in perspective... explore underlying marital problems... learn how to renew and transform their relationship... and avoid unnecessary divorces. Or choose to divorce. Some couples may eventually decide during therapy that the marriage cannot be saved. That too is a legitimate choice.
For those couples who want to save their marriage following an affair ... marital therapy like MB with the Harley's is often effective. While the person who had the affair is held accountable for his or her behaviour... the therapist provides a safe... confidential... and balanced environment in which they all work together to explore and rebuild the marital relationship. It often takes one year of biweekly visits with the therapist and then another year of the couple working together to rebuild trust before the BS especially generally feel that they are "healed or healing well."
Here's what you can probably expect if you and your partner ever choose to enter marriage therapy following an affair......
Healing Part 1 - One or both of you are Hopeful.
For the first month or so of marital therapy... a couple may feel quite good and hopeful about their relationship. The immediate crisis is subsiding... the decision to re-commit to the marriage has been made... and they have joined together in therapy to work on their marriage. "Let's put the infidelity behind us and move on..." they say. Well to be honest I said that.. the FWS often does.
Healing Part 2 - No More Secrets
During this next phase... which often takes several months... the therapist will guide the couple through the difficult and often-painful process of taking a deeper look at the affair and other underlying problems in their relationship. To restore trust... the person who had the affair will need to be fully truthful and honest about any details that the injured spouse wants to know... such as the name of the other person involved in the affair and details of secret meetings and sexual encounters. This information may unleash anger and anguish that need to be dealt with openly in therapy. This is NOT fun. So be prepared to be either angry or sick at heart as the BS and fearful and embarrassed as the FWS. Its the dirty nitty gritty stuff. Yes I wanted to crawl under a rock for a lot of the time.
The person who had the affair must also assume full personal responsibility for the affair and not pass the blame onto the spouse... personal or emotional problems... or work pressures. He or she must also take responsibility for his or her part in any underlying martial problems. Also... if this person needs to grieve the loss of the lover in the affair... this should be done privately or during individual sessions with the therapist and not in the presence of the spouse. If you do this in front of the BS don't be surprised that they will want out of the marriage. Its a pretty big insult on top of the injury of the affair.
By the same token... the injured partner also has difficult work to do. He or she may need to come down from the pedestal... drop the saint or martyr role... move past the anger and hurt... and... hardest of all... be willing to examine his or her role in the underlying marriage problems. And that is SO unfair in my book. But it IS essential.
Rebuilding trust is an uneven process that often takes three steps forward... two steps back. It just sucks.
The injured spouse may continue to be suspicious and insecure... experience painful flashbacks at unsuspecting times... or scrutinise the other partner's behaviour especially around members of the opposite sex. The person who had the affair must learn to tolerate this distrust and not become self-righteous or indignant. The therapist then helps the couple understand how their respective reactions are understandable and learn how to better handle future incidents. For instance I keep a daily blog just for my husband of who I meet shopping...working.. whatever ... talk to... email... ring etc etc ... and I'm not sure he's even looked at it ever .... HOWEVER it is a tool that helps me know and demonstrates that I am an open book now in all that I do. Actually he thinks I'm a bit wacko over it.
But it works for ME. You need to find what works for you.
Healing Part 3 – A New Marriage?
The final... and longest... phase of marital therapy is devoted to emotional recovery and rebuilding the relationship. During this phase... the therapist helps the couple learn new ways to relate to each other and how to put intensity... once drained by the affair... back into their sexual relationship. The couple gradually begins to restore emotional intimacy by learning how to express what they want and need from the relationship... as well as what changes they would like their partner to make.
The therapist also works with the couple to develop new communications skills and methods for resolving conflict... which was previously avoided and submerged in the affair.
Some couples begin "dating" again... starting from scratch to rebuild their relationship. They learn how to spend time alone together and enjoy each other's company. In addition... the therapist helps them learn how to ask for what they want and negotiate their differences.
For instance I thought we could talk about anything. Wrong. Some things we didn't talk about was his career.. what he did... what it was costing us. I was just 18 when I married my husband, a brave and accomplished soldier who fought in many various arena’s before being sent to Afghanistan. His exploits - and his injuries - have been recorded in several books about Afghanistan and the War on Terror. He is the inspiration for at least one character in a novel. His identity is still highly protected. But he brought the war home and I didn't understand.. maybe more honestly I didn't take the time to understand. Then he began testing me - first with stories of the terrible things he did in Afghanistan. The things he did were seared in my being. They made him a different man from the one I had married. He brought home souvenirs of the people he had killed in Afghanistan. There were souvenirs like buttons from their uniforms and photographs that he'd taken from the clothes on their dead bodies. The photos would show a wife and a child and they would have the dead Taliban soldier's blood on them. These things were in my house. With our children.
I was so naive back then … but I have carried that story inside me... buried with a silent scream... for more than 6 years. I wanted to cry for him... my husband...for what has happened. It haunts me still that I failed him. We just didn't cope very well with what had happened to us. I didn't think he or I would knowingly... deliberately push upon our family the life that they have had ... and he is genuinely one of the bravest human beings I have ever met. And to think if we had asked and talked to each other.. maybe sought help... perhaps my affair would not have happened because I would have known to ask for help. But we DID NOT communicate in the right way. Opportunities lost.
Success is not guaranteed by any means. For some couples... the affair turns out to be the final nail in a coffin after an emotional divorce has already taken place. One of you has already left the room permanently. Therapy can help a couple accept this reality and then support them and their family through the trauma of a divorce. I hate thinking about this part. The key though I feel here is to get a therapist who is reluctant to accept this outcome without a fight. What we call on MB a pro marriage counsellor.
For couples who are committed to saving their marriages and willing to do the necessary repair work together with a trained marital therapist... they often emerge with a ... I would not say a better... but maybe closer... and stronger marriage than they ever imagined. For them... the affair represents a wake-up call and an opportunity to birth a new marriage. My own opinion is that the old marriage was killed off by the affair. To my eternal shame I 'killed' mine.
But luckily I have a new marriage to my husband now. We went through all of this process... more me than him in our case. But then I stuffed things up didn't I?
You see recovery is what you make of it. It can be a new lease on life.... a life more of duty to kids and family ... and as happy as you want it. Recovery may even be divorce. Each of us have to find our own place in recovery and as I said here over and over ... THERE IS NO GUARANTEE
Lots more to say but I'm off to bed.
