Fiori...I have a question. Could you write up a list of the things that you are doing to promote your recovery and the things that your H is doing to promote your recovery? Make it very factual and ONLY the positive stuff (phrase it positively, like instead of "He isn't talking to OW" say "He is enforcing No Contact").

The reason I ask, is that I wonder if we have a clear picture of what is going on in your M. I wonder if you write it down...it may be easier to see where the holes are in the plan.

HTM

I agree. This is a big hurdle for me. I know I run a huge risk of flipping out if I find out she contacts him in any way. I have this feisty Italian side that is great in some scenarios...but not this one!

I appreciate everyone's concern. Lately, as in Friday, when H and I have these problems with communication, we do an all day exchange through email. This helped us on Friday tremendously because we were both able to say what we wanted without getting interrupted. Yesterday did not go as well. We began a conversation and then he criticized me for being smug. I asked what he was talking about and he said it was the way I was holding my had to my face. Ok...what's that? Anyway, I know it's just raw emotion. We will not totally be able to get through this until H finds a new job...this I know for a fact! I promise...it's in the works.

I will be surprised if he is the one who make the initial contact with her after all this. But, since she was the one who's persuing him, I would not be surprised at all if she starts something again. It would not be uncommon if the OP make contact and a WS not disclosing it to the BS for many reasons. That's when thing can go downhill from there, and sometimes, very fast.

I think you've been around long enough to know how things can turn 180 degree very quickly and all behind it can be just one phone call or one email.

Since they work for the same corp. and there is the potential at any moment (even though it occurs only every 2 months or so) that he can see her face, there is still contact in that she is still very much in the vicinity.

Would your FWH tell you if he saw her in the building in the hallway, or saw her name on a brochure, or a directory, etc? I think HTM describes this concern well. I don't remember her exact words, but she said something about trust and your ability to communicate with each other.

Her suggestion for a list is also very helpful. Others encouraged me to make a list of the good things my FWH was doing to re-build the marriage.

Again, I am only bringing all of this up because I don't know how I would be able to do what you are trying to do. HTM does provide good support to keep up those positive behaviors and keep recognizing the positive. Maybe we are a good cop--bad cop team .

Does that mean I have to buy the doughnuts?


HTM

Hick,


I couldn't have said it better.

If Fiori's H starts a new job what's not to stop Fiori from panicking that some other women will boohoo her way to him. Recovery is getting to a point where you have to trust again and things are put in place to protect against triggers that would cause H to go outside M. Her H should get another job but they need to work on Hick quote above, nurturing and keeping the M safe now.

Ga

I'd rather have a bagel.

Hi fiori! How was your Monday? Mine was CRAZY!! But not in a bad way, just super busy. So, wow, this area of MB is really active. I don't know if I can keep up ... LOL! I'm used to posting once a day and only needing to read 1-3 posts to be caught up.

Anyway, I am sure that the ppl who are uber concerned about no contact are only trying to help, but it seems to me like they are projecting their own experiences onto your situation rather than looking objectively at it, so I hope they have not gotten you too riled. You know I am very familiar with what happened and so I feel somewhat qualified to say your situation is pretty unique around here.

You know what, I totally mixed up domestic support and financial support. I meant to ask you where you rank financial support. The reason being that you were lamenting your husband putting his job first and you second (or sometimes third). So I was wondering if your husband might feel that being financially stable was a way of putting you first. For example, if he were single w/ no family, would he still choose to be a corporate drone? Or, like my husband, would he be more likely to pursue a "crazier" career as a writer or musician or not even pursue a career and be a surf/ski bum? Before we got married, I was worried that my husband would spend too much time on his career, but recently I realized that he does that in part because of how he defines being a good husband for himself, which is that he be a good breadwinner. Yes, he also enjoys being successful and likes the self-esteem that comes with it. But on tough days, I know he is wistful about chucking it all. Well, this was just a really long winded way of saying, don't put yourself in competition with your husband's job. He doesn't love his job like he loves you. For most people the job is a means to an end ... he loves that it gives him the ability to provide for you and your children. He loves you period.

Finally, I want to challenge you. The Dalai Lama says that when you meet someone who angers you, you should stop and thank them because they give you an opportunity to make yourself better by practicing forgiveness, humility, compassion, etc. This is an opportunity that (hopefully) comes along only rarely so in that sense it is really a precious gift. Maybe not the one they were hoping to give you ... LOL, but one that is there if you open your heart and mind. I know it is possible for you to let go of your anger. I know it is possible for you to do this right now even before your husband finds a new job. Not easy to do, but completely within your grasp if you choose it.

Lake,
The statement I made about 'two months' was not literal. TO my knowledge, he has not seen her since February. They do not have to work on any projects together and he's been steering clear of her half of the building prior to being put across the street. And, we have a signal that we use. When we're putting away dinner dishes or watching tv at night he'll simply state "no alien sightings today". This, I know, is whether or not he's had any contact, visual or otherwise, with OW. He believes she's moved on. I'd like proof of that. I'd love to hear, through the grapevine, that she has met a new man (single one) and is concentrating on bettering herself. Hey, maybe that's the case...but I'll probably never know.

So, today is a not so good day for me. I'm wondering, though, if it's because I'm having ideas poured into my head here. I'm not saying you guys don't have the best intentions, but sometimes it's a bit like brain overload.

My cousin is having major surgery today. He had a freak accident in December and has had a large chunk of his skull in storage until he brain un-swells. So, today is the big day to restore his skull. Perhaps this will be my focus today...not anything relating to my junk. I just feel such a sense of sadness....I have to find a way to kick it. I believe a few hours at the pool will help. A little sun & fun to shake my cobwebs away.

This is the goal. I am trying to nurture good communication, but I feel that right now I am ill equipped to do so. I don't feel like I'm in control of anything right now. I feel H has all the cards and I'm simply playing along by following his rules. No, he's not stated any directly, but it's simply how I feel. He chose her, he re-chose me, he is at his job, he chooses to get a new job, he chooses not to...you see the pattern? What choices do I have? My heart is aching right now. But, do I kick him to the curb because I'm suspicious? Do I take the chance that I'm a certifiable nut job and I've alientated him because I can't get a grip on my fear? Then, what does that leave me with? Today, I just cannot think about it....I must change my scenery.

{{{{fiori}}}}

Sorry you are feeling so down today. A change of scenery sounds like a good idea. If the scenery involves fluffy spa bathrobes and a cute Swedish masseur, count me in LOL!



Choose not to be fearful and angry anymore. If you like reading, check out Viktor Frankle's book "Man's Search for Meaning." It will remind you how much control you still have even when someone else completely dictates your physical world.

Snuggle,
Thanks. The change of scenery included a beach chair, the pool, some fresh air & sunshine and my 13yr. old playing "go fish" with me. Perfection.

That sounds like a wonderful way to spend the day! I am smiling just thinking of you soaking up the rays and playing cards.

Sure beats my day of chasing down IT, breaking in a new boss and laying in the dentist's chair ... LOL!

How are you? I'm sorry I missed you yesterday. I don't know what I was doing and by the time I saw you had called, it was too late to call back.

I hope your evening went ok. I will call you today.

HTM

I'm fine...just frustrated. H is going away for disaster recover drill this weekend. First, the fact that he's expected to go away over a weekend is stupid to me. But, I'm not in the corporate world and things have to be done when the system is not up and running with weekday work. That I do get. BUt, last night at dinner I said to him..."so, do you go anywhere near the NorthEast extension on your way home? If so, you can pick up older son from his friends house who lives 55 minutes away and save me a trip". He quizically looks at me and states "what are you talking about? I'm not coming back til Monday. Don't you remember 2 1/2 years ago when I did this drill and had an accident on the way home? I told you then I'd never do that again." Oh, I see...that clears it up! NOT!! So, I was supposed to simply KNOW that because his ridiculous company expected him to be awake from Friday morning til Sunday at 4 pm that this would automatically give him leeway to sleep at the hotel they have provided and come home Monday. Why would I even remember that from over two years ago. He simply thinks I should. So, I posed a question to him. I said "I've been to NY three times in the last ten years on a bus trip with the local church. Can you please tell me what shows I saw and where we ate dinner and who I was with?" He stated that he could not remember any of those details. So, then why am I expected to remember the details of what he does the few times in ten years he's gone to NY. Bizarre and very one way. But, this is constantly the way he is with his job. Not just since the EA, since I've known him. He thinks that because he's always been this way then I should give him some slack. I believe, he lost slack the night he first lied to me and spent time with OW. Am I wrong? Yes, his behavior is the same, but the circumstances are different. I never had any reason before to doubt him. I was soooooo cocky and never thought he'd do this to me!! To Us!! This scenario in our marriage was inconceivable. But, here I sit, scared about him going away. Not because I think he'll do anything wrong. But, because he still works at the same corporation. And, they have a policy at his company where they post where everyone is on a daily basis. So, if H takes a personal day off the board will read "John Smith -- PTO"
I believe this is bizarre too! Who's business is it where he or anyone is? But, if he's in training in conference room #3, it will read "john smith -- conference room #3...training". So, with access to this board OW has access of knowledge. Just stop now!!! I can see the typing soaring to an all time speed. I KNOW he cannot work there any longer. He KNOWS he cannot work there any longer. Not only do I have a verbal promise but one that is recorded on my cell phone.
So, I'm getting off topic. This weekend is frustrating to me. Not because I believe he'll do anything other than the drill, but the fact that she will know (potentially) where he is and may try to make contact. Hatred. Frustration. Anger. Sadness. But, glad to have a night out with my friend away from her toddlers and have a cold glass of wine and some adult conversation.

Hi Fiori,
What's H plan if OW tries to make contact while away? I know it must be painful knowing he still at the company and she still has access. I don't think I would like my H going to the same gym where the OW goes.

The plan is that he will not take any calls. And, if an attempt is made, he will tell me. We previously, after contact ended, had a deal that if any contact was attempted by OW, the NC letter would be mailed certified mail. But, he will be in a sort of armored and secure building. Most likely his cell service will not be available. He wrote a phone number down of a co-worker that has the same exchange as hers. He brought it right to me and said "I just want you to know I wrote this number down. It's John's cell number so don't get worried if you see the area code". This is something he would not have previously done. So, I'll check the # and make sure it's not hers!

Only time will tell! He just does not understand why I cannot move forward. He says he is committed and is here in body and soul and that I should believe him. I have not caught up to his thinking pattern yet. It will be a long weekend. But, I am going out with a girlfriend on Sat. night as both of my children have been asked to a sleepover. So, although I do not drink...I'm feeling wine in my future!!

Here's something to consider, though...her ability to get in touch with him in non-working hours is no different when he's away then when he's here. We tried to have her #'s blocked on his cell phone but Nextel does not offer this service. The only way it works is for him to get a new #. But, this cannot happen until he gets a new job, as the cell # would be published for other employees anyway. So, all I can do is hope she's moved on to greener pastures.

I know that in your rational mind, your H is no more likely to talk with OW away from home as at home, but it still feels gross to have to let him go. I'm not there yet at all. I would be a complete wreck if my H went away without me for the weekend.

I know you can make it through this. Don't let the fear drive you nuts.

HTM

Hi fiori!

I've spent many a weekend away from home for work so I hope it will comfort you to know that during drills like this there really isn't any time available for socializing of any kind. If he were off at a sales meeting it'd be another story, but drill weekends are pretty much packed with work. Usually things do not stay on schedule so even meal times are likely to get canceled and we usually end up ordering take out and eating while working. If OW dropped by she would get yelled at for being in the way -- distractions are most definitely NOT welcome. It's exhausting and very stressful quite frankly. Your husband would much rather be home so count your blessings that you get to go out and have wine! If anyone should be jealous, it should be your hubby as you'll be out and about footloose and kid-free