Hi Barbicat,
There are problems in my marraige, and a huge betrayal- but not an affair.
I read your thread about your husbands strange penchants. I think MizzJ might be right about him having an obsessive compulsive disorder in his affinity for different women.
I have been betrayed often in non-affair areas of our marriage due to my husbands habit of lying 'just for the adventure of getting away with it.'
Ultimately, that's what drove his affair. He started an EA in 2006, stopped it when he did not like the sound of her voice when he asked her to call him. He got away with it and never planned to tell me. (Story of our detached marriage attached to the link in my sig line.)
I find TONS of advice on recovery helpful.
I wish that there was more for "just plain betrayed spouses."
I applaud you for trying to find resources to make your marriage better. This site does have great concepts and principles for any relationship, not just marriages.
Because ours deteriorated when I gave up trying to force him to change, my H had another affair he THOUGHT he could control like the first one in 2006. But he was addicted within the first phone call because they:
* were both liars
* lacked self esteem
* had poor boundaries
* were insecure in their marriages
* justified that they deserved happiness with each other because their spouses were too judgemental
* did I mention that they were both liars?
Barbicat, are you certain without a doubt that your H has not had an affair or at least an inappropriate interaction that gives him liberty to act on these obsessions without consideration for any repercussions?
Regarding your desire to have help for just plain 'betrayed spouses' who have not had an affair....I think the chances are quite possible that your H may have had (or is having) one but you may just not know about it.
My H's lies eventually got him fired when his 'luck' ran out. I had to work 3 jobs while he tried to find work after he was blackballed from his profession....that's when he was looking for a new job but found OW online.
The behaviors you described are similar to my H's before the A's....but he never confessed or was sorry when he was caught and confronted.
Unfortunately, he has forgotten many things now...it's been 35 years since we met and nearly 34 since we married for the wrong reasons. (No, he knows I did not love him but only felt I was being left behind.....at 19 years old!)
Our story is very strange, but in a way, that's why I can relate to where you are coming from.
I suggest that you keep posting and asking questions, Barbi.....I'll post to your thread later on.
Best wishes,
Ace