Oh, trust me slow is good at this point, and I finally realize that. We are going to work towards "dating" for the time being. We talked so more on the phone after she left, and I asked her to ask herself if this is what she wanted 100% for the rest of her life, because it is what I want and I don't want to go any further unless she does too. We have decided to branch out a bit though. We have never danced, and now she has invited me to go to lessons with her. We have a bunch of new possible hobbies we want to try together. I guess part of the problem we had other than my anger, was a rut. Same old routine and that helped push us apart. She is calling the counselor Monday morning to get started with him.

Well, it sounds like things are turning around a bit. Don't be surprised if she pulls back again. You have a lot of work to do to rebuild her trust.

Another caution. If you go back to your old ways, even once, you will probably lose her for good. Too many people change to win their spouse back, only to revert to their old ways. The spouse feels manipulated and tricked into staying in an untenable situation.

Keep up with the counseling. And check in here and let us know how you're doing. We love success stories.

I am scared to death right now. We spent the last two days together and when we weren't together, she called me and we talked for hours. She just texted me and said she wants to come home and she is on her way. I told her to make sure and that I wasn't "out of the woods" yet and still needed quite a bit of counseling and help. She said she understands that. I want her back, but I don't want to lose her again. I will definitely stay in touch. You have helped me through my darkest times. I am sure I will need just as much help in the coming days/weeks. My anger is far from "controlable" but I now know what is at stake, and will remember that in my worst moments. Once again, thank you so much. I had no where to turn and found this place by the grace of God.

Duke,

I'm so happy for you right now. No, it's not over yet, but enjoy this day. Remember your faith. God won't ask you to do something that you can't handle. In a way it's good that you're scared...it shows just how much this means to you.

Stay strong and be your best self.

(((Duke))) We'll be praying for you. Remember, above all...HONESTY.

Hmm. Call me crazy.

I'm just wondering if maybe instead of her just moving home, you two start to rebuild your relationship while she's still living with her mother. First, it provides a buffer of protection for each of you. Second, it allows you to court her again. Third, it will give you time to work through your family of origin issues, which are huge. Fourth, you could start MC while living apart. MC, like all therapy, is very stressful.

However, there is nothing like being with the person 16 hours a day, 7 days a week. So long as you never have an angry outburst again, you will be depositing lots of points.

Since I cannot imagine any two spouses continuing to live apart when they are as in love as you two, I'm going assume my advice won't be followed. LOL. So, from what I can see you need a plan.

A big plan written down on how you are going to handle various trigger situations. Write down all the times you can remember having angry outbursts. Include what the events leading up to it were and what the issue was itself. This can be sort of an outline. Once you have them down, look for patterns. Did the incidents occur after a bad day at work? When your wife didn't do something as you expected? When your mother had called? When it was raining? Was it about the kids table manners? Was it about the dog taking your shoe? Was it about who was going to cook dinner?

Then, figure out how you'll handle the same conditions and situations again. If every time it rains, you yell, you need to be prepared for the day it rains. If rainy days freak you out, instead of coming home and yelling about the dog taking your shoe, you go to the gym for an hour, bring home pizza and offer the slice with the bubble to whoever finds your shoe first.

Part of success is planning for it. You need to plan on how your going to handle the challenges. Then, go over it in your mind. Imagine it. If you have someone you can trust, and you can get over feeling goofy, role play the situation.

Also, you may want to share some of the plan with your wife. There's nothing like having your husband suddenly leave the house and disappear for 20 minutes to set the blood boiling. If she knows you suddenly left the house because you were losing control, then she'll feel hopeful about her marriage and proud of how hard you are working to save it.

Thank you for saying such nice things about the others and me. We're glad to help. Many people here helped me through many years. Now, I help them. If you can, later, help someone else here who maybe has anger issues, but isn't as ready to step up to the plate and accept responsiblity. There's nothing like someone who's been in your shoes telling you to man up and get moving.

Good luck. I really have a good feeling about your marriage.

GG makes a really good point about deciding AHEAD of time, how you will handle things. Kind of like a contract. This is a perfect time to set that up. Then, when one of you has a meltdown, or starts bad habits, you can both pull out the contract and review it to see if you're both still adhering to it. That way, if one person varies, they can be asked to return to the plan without any hard feelings, since it was all agreed upon beforehand, when you both were thinking positively and clearly.

Oh, and you might want to lay down some ground rules with your mother. I'd be really firm with her. "Ma, I love you, and I'm glad you are part of my life. I love Mary and I'm doing everything in my power to keep her as my wife. I'm asking you to show support for my marriage and to stop making comments that suggest Mary is anything but perfect. If you make disparaging comments, I won't be able to have you around because it would hurt my marriage."

You do not need your mother feeding your insecurities. You mother obviously has issues, and anything she says must be taken with a huge dose of salt. Until you are more certain of yourself and have built the trust with your wife, I'd keep mom at arms length.

Well, she came home last night. Trust me, I asked her several times if it was what she wanted. And everytime she cried and said she wants to come home and wants to make this better than before. We spent all day yesterday shopping, then she had me come pick up her stuff from her parents. We went grocery shopping together. Now, she used to cook before, but she bought a lot of stuff to make "homemade". I told her to not do so much at once, and she has been telling me the same. I am trying to do everything for her; take care of the kids, clean, you name it I am jumping on it. She said again that it would take some time, a lot more time. I agree with her. I am scared to death right now. I offered to sleep on the couch, but she had me come to our bed and hold her all through the night. I was more than happy to. We had a great morning so far. I took the kids to daycare and wished her a great day. She has called and emailed me a few times already. She asked me "to go out with her". Sounds funny don't it? We want to live together, but we both expressed interest in wanting to "date" each other. I guess it is a SAFE mindset to have right now. I am very happy with it. She is already making me fix the toilet. Haha. I love it, already got the part, and it will be fixed before she walks in the door. I guess we will have another "test" tonight. This is my week for us to have my daughter. My wife and daughter love each other to death, but my daughter is 5 and likes to push buttons until they are wore out. I am gonna have to run a lot of interference this week. All in all I am happy, but I am wondering if we took enough time. She came home on her own though, I encouraged more time apart. She even knows that I just forfeited my deposit and rent for the apartment I was supposed to be moving into today, but she just "wanted to come home".

I'm glad for you, but the last couple sentences tell me she's working completely off of feelings, which can be a dangerous thing, especially if the feelings wear off, she feels safe again, whatever. Just be careful.

Make a plan on how you are going to deal with the stress and pressure.

Also, see how fast you two can get a marriage counseling appointment.

Do pace yourself. Slow down and trust each other.

I gotta run.

Just an update:

Well, it has been 2 weeks now since my wife returned home. Things are going great. She has begun counseling with the same counselor that I go to. I am now starting to be able to control my anger. I have had a few rough times, but I am expressing it much better now. My counselor also believes I have depression, but he and I agree that the anger is the priorty for now. He thinks in about 6 more sessions, which are pretty much weekly, that we might be able to begin marriage counseling. My wife has opened up a lot. We actually are "clicking" now. We are getting to the point where we know when the other is upset, happy, sad, or whatever the situation might be, before the other says anything about it. We are spending so much more time together than ever before. We ride out motorcycles together, going to dinners, shopping, you name it. The "talks" are still hard though. We have cried together a few times during the past 2 weeks, but no negativity was involved. Last night, we had friends over, some of hers and some of mine, a few of the different friends didn't mix so well, and it caused a little tension between me and my wife after they left, be we refused to go to bed without it solved. We talked it out and both went to bed smiling. For some reason, I feel "weaker" than ever before. I am, what I consider, a manly man, but not so much anymore. I express every feeling to my wife. I have cried to her about some pretty trivial things, even tears of happiness. But I guess that is ok. I will keep checking in. I have been on here everyday, but just peeking at others stories in the shadows. Once again, thanks everyone.

Great progress! I'm so happy for you!

Oh and fwiw, shhh, big secret - we women love for you to be 'weaker' and share your feelings. We like for you to protect us, usually, but we love for you to reach us on our level. That shows true love, at least to me.

Duke, you definitely still send of manly man signals. It could be the name you chose. LOL.

You won't always be in this highly emotional state. As you control the anger, you have to deal with the underlying emotion, which is usually fear or hurt. Manly men don't like fear or hurt much, so they can mad. Plus, you're doing a lot of emotional work right now! Counseling, behavior modification. There's a lot going on and it's exhuasting. But, in time, the growing pains will be over. There will be a period of smooth sailing, and you'll feel incrediably strong. The strength will come from knowing that you survived and conquored this period of your life. You'll have dealt with the issues in your childhood and more.