Ok, I need some advice..

I just recently found out my WW has been faking a recovery, NC didn't ever "REALLY" get established.

Being a Male I am having very conflicted feelings about having sex with my wife. I REALLY want to, but I REALLY don't want to either... I don't know which way to go.

I feel like if I don't I will be fueling the passion of the A all that much more, and giving up on getting my primary need met, even if it's met begrudgingly (She does it because she feels its her duty)

On the other hand, I want to show her that I still desire her physically as well as emotionally. Our Anniversary is on Monday and I am really depressed at the moment, I don't know if I can even get it up anyways. (and that has never been a problem before)

Yes, the affair is going to die one way or another.. I am hoping by my hands. And I am preparing for Plan B.

Sorry but I don't remember all your story off hand. If she is still having sex with her OM than I would suggest that you don't have sex with her. Your need for SF can take a hold for a while while you strive for N/C. If it is only an EA than go ahead and have sex if she is a willing partner.

Try and enjoy the anniversary. Do what you can to keep all her time spent with you. Make it that there is no time for her to spend with or thinking about OM.

NRO, I am sorry you have been in a false recovery. How very painful for you.

There are a couple reasons to not have sex with your WW. The most inportant is your health. STDs are a very real possibility, although with her going back and forth for some time now, you may not see that as a risk in your case. The other reason is that while she cannot seem to do the right thing, you should. Plan B is what is best for you. You have been in Plan A for several months, and she has obviously been lying to you all along. Time for Plan B. There is nothing you can do now (including good sex) that will show her anything different about you than she already knows.

If I remember correctly, the OM and family live in your area...what happened after your exposure to OMW? Didn't she leave him...did she come back? Sorry, just can't remember all the deatils right now.

Lala,

I am re-exposing to the OMW, I am thinking they both just went to ground. They don't work together, but they have been using their work day and schedules to their advantage.

I am also talking to the in-laws when they get back this week (they are on vaca.) Like I said, I am prepping for Plan B, but am hurting a little bit while doing it.

She is so Very Very foggy, but I have learned how to deal with all of that thanks to all of you. I am not super concerned about STD's, but I am going to go get tested this week as well.

This whole thing makes me SO angry. I don't like being angry I am not normally a person that gets angry easily.

From the beginning you have been very calm about this NRO. I admire that very much about you. You have shown your strength to expose and then Plan A...working the program so very well.

But, unfortunately it hasn't worked. Just goes to show even the best execution doesn't work many times. But it also sets you up perfectly for Plan B. Re-do your exposure as you said and make sure that all your plans are made for PB. You don't want to leave any stones unturned, because she is an unrepentant, lying, coniving alien right now, and you MUST protect yourself, (your children??) and your finances.

You are a good person and you deserve better than this, NRO. Take care of yourself, keep posting and getting support here. Don't stall and put off Plan B...you need to get there asap. You will lose your love for her if you don't.

Want2Stay and I are rooting for you!

Thank You!

Yes, Plan B is on it's way. I have my letter written and am making other protection steps this week.

We are in a wedding in two weeks, close friends of ours that moved away and just recently came back. I am unwilling to expose to them until after their happy day. I don't want to taint their occasion with the doom and gloom of an A. I am planning on going to Plan B the week after the wedding.. Until then it's Plan A Hyper-Mode.

I am having a tough time dealing with the fact that I *KNOW* the A is going on right under my nose. W knows I know too because of the exposure getting back to her, but she doesn't seem to care. It doesn't even prevent her from lying about it to me.

It saddens me that the person I thought was the most truthful and honest person in the world can lie like it was nothing.

I am resolute though, her A must end and I will put my full might behind destroying her relationship with OM. My marriage is the most valuable relationship in the world and I will defend it.

It's our Anniversary today. She forgot it was. I told her Happy Anniversary on the way out the door and the look of surprise on her face made me want to cry. I am sure she remembers OM and her's just fine.

LaLa, You say I am calm and outwardly I am. Inside I am so torn up. Although I am reminded of a great quote:

"I fear the only thing we have done is awaken a sleeping giant, and fill him with a terrible resolve."

That is how I feel, I am resolved to restore my marriage, or know that when it ends I did everything in my power to do so. I will not go through life with 'What If's' in my head.

Thank you All!

NRO

NRO,

""I told her Happy Anniversary on the way out the door""

Does this mean you both are still living together? If so, that is going to be one tricky Plan B!

kirk

I do not see anything to be gained by waiting for the wedding to go plan B. You need to appear strong to WW. Delaying at this point only makes you appear weak doing nothing while the WW bangs the OM. Your delay only allows WW to compartementalize the PA and bond closer with the OM.

It's understandable that you don't want to hurt the bride and groom with the troubles of your marriage, but you aren't the one that's bringing the troubles, your WW is.

It's not just I don't want to hurt the Bride and Groom, I am actually in the wedding and so is WW. It wouldn't be possible at this point for me to bow out of the wedding, and there will be definite contact during the wedding.

I do understand about looking strong to WW, I get that. I see what you are saying and it is tearing me apart to watch her with OM and KNOW when she is outright lying to me.

I also know that it's not me causing the consequences, but I also care about my friends. Its a once in a lifetime day (at least it is supposed to be) and I don't want *anything* to tarnish that for them. I am not doing it to protect WW, I am doing it to protect my friends from WW. I may sound weak but its out of my Love for them that I just can't do it.

This has been going on so long that she'll just grow closer to OM when she moves out anyway. I am really doing Plan B as a last resort and don't really expect it to work.

This is our anniversary. It is supposed to be a day to celebrate our commitment to each other.. I am sad that it might be my last anniversary with her.

I'm sorry for your situation NRO, but seriously, until you quit being her DOORMAT ... NOTHING will change, and at this point, isn't Plan D preferable to the current situation???

Screw the wedding!!! You wanna protect your friends??? Then don't make a mockery of THEIR day ... just explain that due to your WW's actions, you will no longer be able to particate in their wedding. If your WW has ANY class remaining, she will do the same.

If they are your FRIENDS, then be a FRIEND and don't let them have to look at their wedding photos in the years to come and see the two of you miserable.

GO DARK, and watch your life improve immediately ... with or without your WW.

I don't think you have to bow out of the wedding. In the ceremony atleast, you shouldn't have any reason to have much contact with her. You might have to walk her down the aisle, and talk during the rehersal, but that's it. Are you the best man?

Maybe you could go to the rehersal, but skip the rehersal dinner. You could go the wedding, but skip the reception? If you talk to the bride and groom, I think they may understand. Honestly, I think that would speak volumes to your wife if she had to go to the dinner and reception by herself, although she could just bow out like you.

And wouldn't it really be compromising plan B to much if you had contact for the sake of someone else's marriage? You don't have to dance with her, you can treat her as the bride's friend with respect, but that's all.

I can't understand how you feel, but it just doesn't seem like pretending that things are ok will fail.

And I understand about anniversary. That's so tough. Are you going to get her a card or something? I don't know what I'd do. Hang in there.

I think MyRevelation may have the right idea better then me. At the very least, the bride and groom need to know as they may prefer to ask you not to attend to avoid any possible conflicts.

A card and a Nice Gift actually. I still care for her and will show it :-).

She got me a nice gift as well, however it was purchased quite some time ago.. I think as a guilt offering more then anything..

You are both right.. I need to stop being a DOORMAT.. Let me stew a little bit I'm sure I'll do the right thing.

NROK

Your friends have the right to know what is walking into their wedding. They WILL NOT want your wife "standing up" for their marriage, when she won't stand up for her own. KWIM?

You owe them your honesty, if you are their friend.

You got good advice from my rev, mel vin, kayla.

You are all correct. Last night (my anniversary) I slept on the couch. Well, I didn't really sleep but I spent the night on the couch anyways. She is 'soo in love with him' that she can't decide what she wants to do.. and won't until after their wedding.

I have decided for her. I am going to go expose to her mom and dad again tomorrow night. I am pretty sure that is going to cause her to leave, if it does not I am going to ask her to be out by the end of the week.

It's time for a change around here. I won't have this affair in my house any longer, and I won't share my W even though she is wayward with another man.

The A is my enemy, God's enemy.. Lord God give me victory over those who would harm me.

My friends will know by weeks end.

NRO,

Get ready for a 2x4, albeit a soft one ... I've now been here for a year, and I've watched hundreds of BH's actions during that period of time.

The BH's who successfully recover (either their M, personally, or both) act decisively right NOW, once they know the facts.

The one's who wallow in limbo, always do something tomorrow or this weekend or next week, or in two weeks after their friends wedding ... get the picture.

Also, RIGHT NOW you are being a BAD friend by keeping this from the bride and groom. With two weeks to go, they can make alternate arrangements to exclude/replace you and your WW in their wedding. You keep putting it off, and they're screwed, AND IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT, not your WW's. She's in fantasyland and only thinking of herself ... YOU need to take action NOW!!! ... or risk losing their friendship FOREVER.

I have been through so much already, a 2x4 is not going to hurt. :-) Thanks!


I did expose once already. Although I am not entirely certain now that I actually GOT the OMW. We converse via email and she hasn't accepted my appointments to talk in person so it could have been OM posing as OMW.. (which would make sense) but FIL/MIL know already, they just think it has stopped and it hasn't.. so I have to go tell them again. I would do it today, but I am getting a crown in 2 hours and I am not certain I am going to be able to talk. If I can, I will.


You are absolutely right. I am being a BAD friend by letting this go on. They can replace me *AND* her in their wedding if they know right now. I will tell them today, as much as it is going to hurt.

So, now that I am resolute... I am pretty sure she is going to be SO angry at me for talking to her Mom and Dad again (boy was she pissed the last time) that she's going to walk out. Has anyone handled that? and if so how? How did you successfully handle the anger without LB's?

I can tell you what she is going to say:

"I was thinking of staying and now I have no reason to."
"How could you tell my parents, you don't love me."
"You are just giving me more reasons to leave."

Standard WW fog babble.. I have gotten good at taking some of them, but others just hurt too much. It all started last night when I asked her why she was wearing a ring on her right hand. (She has ALWAYS taken them off at night in the past.. this one hasn't come off in her hand in DAYS) and she said "I just forgot to take it off" I didn't believe her and bewm, instant A talk fog babble explosion..

myrev -- I think the delay is only because the in-laws are gone on vacation.

I agree with the rest!

NRO --
May I suggest a wedding gift for the couple? A selection of Harley books -- "his needs, her needs" "fall in love, stay in love" etc.

Go to the bookstore tab at the bottom of the page!

I would confide in your friends. They have a right to know the conflicts swirling around their wedding. I vote that you remain attendants for them. But maybe they can put additional pressure on WW.

Have you asked her (WW) if she feels like a hypocrite standing up for friends wedding when she won't stand up for her own?
(this is NOT a lovebuster, by the way...)