I am new to this site, but it looks very helpful.

My husband and I have been married for three years this Wednesday. We are both about to turn 30.

Since nearly the beginning of our marriage, I have found that my husband will threaten divorce when he is frustrated or angry. He will also make other comments, like I'm ruining his life, that's he's been miserable the entire time we've been married, will curse and call me names, etc.

He will say these things despite my telling him repeatedly how much saying these things hurts me - and now he says them and curses on purpose when he's angry because he KNOWS it hurts me.

This past weekend, he told me he would have an extra $700 a month if he weren't married to me (presumably because I have student loans to pay off). As well as threatening divorce and telling me I'm ruining his life. It was so confusing; just the day before he left me a present before work with a note that said I love you.

At first, these threats were extremely hurtful and made me live in fear that he was going to leave me. Now, I'm so used to hearing them, they don't affect me as much. I don't want to get numb to this; I find this unacceptable in a relationship.

After a day or two after these arguments, he always apologizes, says he shouldn't behave that way, that he will change, he knows he shouldn't say these things, and treats me very nicely for a few days. But then when he gets angry again, all of that flies out the window - and he says the same things all over again.

These arguments happen once every month or two, but seem to be happening more often lately.

I am beginning to wonder if he can ever change? I know we have issues, like all couples - but it is impossible to discuss things calmly with him, I never feel like we work together as a team on harder issues like money, etc. He never seems to be able to control himself when angry.

I have taken this week to myself and am house-sitting alone for a friend. I do not want to be in a relationship where someone talks to me like that. I am very quickly losing all feelings for him.

Any thoughts/advice would be very greatly appreciated.

I am so sorry that this is happening to you.
It sounds like he is too different people (Jekyl & Hyde).

It is probably good that you are taking time for yourself this week. Maybe with you gone he will realize how much he loves and cares for you and try to make changes.

Have you tried counseling? We have tried it and it seems to work for us. My situation is nothing like yours though.

Keep your head held high and ask God to watch over you.

Married
Me 46
He 44
1 child-17
Married 10 years last Wednesday.

The first thing you need to read about is boundaries. You have to 'install' safe boundaries for yourself so you don't slip into a bad place with him. You do that by determining what you will and what you won't continue to accept from him. Then, you determine what you will do the next time he does one of these things; it has to be either a self-preservation step, such as leaving the room when he shouts at you, or a preventative measure on him, such as X will happen the next time you do Y. Only you can know what will work. Then you let him know what your boundaries are when you're in a good place, so that he will know very well when he is overstepping those boundaries. This is to protect you.

Once you've done that, read up on Love Busters and Emotional Needs. Love Busters (LBs) are described as holes you punch in your partner's love 'bucket' - things you do that cause him to be unhappy. You have to stop doing whatever it is that he considers a LB (within reason). Once you have done that for a week or two, then figure out what his Emotional Needs (ENs) are; you need to be the one person providing those ENs for him. Remember, you can keep meeting his ENs, but if you're still LBing him, that EN you pour into his bucket will just keep on running out those LB holes and you'll always have an empty relationship.

It sounds like you guys are both probably LBing each other and not meeting each other's ENs. That can be fixed. But since you're here, you're the one who will have to go first. Once you've been on this path for awhile, you should start seeing changes in him. If you haven't seen any changes after a few months, you'll want to consider it's something else.

Could be you're doing it incorrectly, i.e., assuming you know what his LBs and ENs are but are wrong - which does no good. Could be he's having an affair and wants to get you mad enough to leave him. Could be he has a medical issue to explain the change in him.

Make sense? Remember, you can't change him, you can't MAKE him want to change. You can only fix your side.