I'm so sorry, Brandi, for what you're experiencing right now.
Best advice I can give you is to call the Coaching Center (link at the top of the page in red) and have a counseling session with one of the Harleys.
Dr. Harley has advised in the case of infidelity in a short-term marriage without children, to go ahead and divorce.
Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you...your WH has threatened if you don't meet his ENs explicitly, he'll cheat.
Respect his choice...it's not about you in any way. It's about him. Accept he broke his vows already, and is willing during times of crisis (the miscarriage) and high stress that he will go into fantasy and commit adultery.
That's great to know for you, Brandi...think about it...before you truly do make him the father of your children, you already know he will choose to do this...so you don't do it, 'k?
Feel GOOD about not trusting him...because he is saying he isn't trustworthy--you can bank on him cheating on your marriage and being an adulterer by choice...he doesn't want to be married in the way marriage is honored...where even if you don't feel like honoring your spouse, you honor your marriage. See?
That's okay...he's choosing based on his own stuff, not on you.
Are you saying you asked him for transparency, to give you all his voicemail, email, banking passwords and let you see his cell records anytime? I gotta ask...why? To prove he isn't cheating now that the crisis has passed, or that he won't cheat when your marriage encounters another really rough time?
Is is recommitted to the marriage? I don't hear that...where he holds himself to the vows he made to himself on your wedding day? I don't hear that.
What you expected of your H hasn't come to pass...he believes differently than you want him to--please respect these differences and accept that he isn't going to be faithful in your marriage. He has given himself permissions when the going gets tough, to cop out.
He will blame you, circumstances, you're handling circumstances...and you don't want a blame-filled marriage, do you?
Was there something magical, pre-marriage, in those daily fights...something connecting in them where you secretly believed that he must love you like crazy if you can fight so much and him still choose to be with you?
Because you're his partner, his wife...you're worth partnering, respecting, following the four rules of marriage with...you're half the marriage, Brandi.
If you believed you could be so bad no one would want you...then you now realize someone can choose to have an A and it's not about you at all. Truly, it's not. It's about them. Not about not respecting you--they don't respect themselves. They don't value their own integrity, decency, and there was no real intimacy (the three places of marriage) to begin with...because he could have come to you, day by day, and talked about what he was feeling, thinking, etc...your connection could've deepened through crisis instead of disconnecting through it.
His choice, Brandi. You don't have to recover from this infidelity--he doesn't have boundaries...very dangerous person to partner with. Make sure you learn your own...that you are not alone, you are not replaceable and you are not lost.
LA
