Perhaps I'm naive, but I never thought she'd actually show up there. There will be 10 of H's employees along with him and she would look like a total "yang" and my 16yr. old says, if she showed up. He's going over 2 1/2 hours away so it's not exactly like she could say "ooo, I was in the neighborhood". She's gross anyway.

It's funny you say that Snuggles. The first time my H went away for a week he was more worried about me and what I would do. I think he was relieved when he came back to find that I was there open arms.

Well, here's a brief update. H left this morning. I'm a little disappointed that he did not leave me a note or card. I know, this is silly, but he knows this is a need of mine. Whenever he goes away I leave him notes tucked in his suitcase. This time I copied/pasted a few very wonderful postings on recovery from this sight and tucked them in shirts & underwear. He knows they are there. I simply said "hey, if you get a few moments, I'd love it if you'd read these papers." He said no problem. So, we'll see if he does.

He's been there since about 3:00 today. His drill began at 4 and goes til 4pm Sunday. This place is very heavily security secure so unless OW is really there, there's no way she can get in. I asked him this morning how I could know for sure that OW was not there. He looked at me and simply said "faith". Ok, we'll see how it goes! Right now I have two 13yr. old boys to entertain! Tomorrow night is my night off...two glasses of wine, perhaps, and a grown up dinner.

By the way...H has called three times already. Once just to tell me what was in the catering conference room.

Here's another thought...
I am off to a baby shower for my cousin right now. The problem is...her sister in law is a dead ringer for OW. YUCK!! I'm hoping this is not going to put me into a tailspin. H has already called twice today. He's tired and busy but attempting to be very attentive, knowing this weekend is a struggle. Oh well -- off I go!

I think it's great your H is calling you so often - don't take it lightly (I know you won't). I really like your H's efforts from your posts. I believe he is truly committed to R. I know most of the angst is on your side and rightfully so. Enjoy yourself this weekend and don't let the dumpy redhead get into your head and good time.

G

Ok, fyi...that baby shower was tremendously difficult for me. This poor innocent girl, who could be OW's twin, was everywhere I went. I did everything to avoid being in her line of vision or having to engage her in any way. I began to think she was picking up on it, but I might simply be paranoid. Oh, but it was not easy at all. She was the very first face I saw when I walked in. I sure hope my cousin doesn't plan on having a Christening...I don't think I can take it!

Ok, here's another FYI...
I'm beginning to lose my cool here. Both kids have been farmed out to friends for the night so I could go to the baby shower while H is at disaster recovery. Soooo, now I'm home and feeling very alone. I tried to call H phone but he has it turned off. I'm hoping he's sleeping, as he's been up for 36 hours and needs rest before he starts another all-nighter. But, I called the hotel and he does not answer there either. You know...I'm imagining a wild romp with OW. I know, it seems that was not the nature of their relationship, but my brain is going haywire. Basically, he's probably in the shower, but the imagination is on overload. And, I'm supposed to be going out to dinner with a girlfriend. She just told me where to meet her but it's in another 1 1/2 hours. Do you know how nuts I'll be by then? I'll drive myself into a hole! I better leave the house and change my scenery so I stay sane. You know, I'm my own worst enemy. I need to listen to the rational side of my brain, but the irrational side is soooooo much louder. I just wish the stupid phone would ring! I'm tempted to drive to OW's house and make sure she's there. But, I've never stooped to this level yet and I don't intend to now.
Before H left he asked that I have faith...I'm going to work on that.

Have faith, have faith, have faith!!!

And something to think about - what is the payoff for you to allow your irrational side to get the best of you?

Hello my sweet friend!

Just got back from Girls Camp. Talk about having Faith. LOL!

You are going to be fine. You have all that it takes to get through this. You are an amazing, beautiful daughter of God. He loves you and He knows you and He knows what you are capable of.

You have been through so many challenges and you are a warrior.

Remember all the great things about this man that you love. Don't let the dumpy red head win any battles.

You are the Queen!!!

Love ya,
OnlyU

P.S. off to dinner with my family that has missed me, but wanted to check in and make sure you were ok!

You are a true peach and I'm glad you're back safe. Really, I am ok. H has called many times today...not a normal occurrance for him. But, I can give him this, he's trying. I do have thoughts that creep in about the possibility that she is really there and he's simply placating me, but I shake them off as quickly as they come. I explained to him my troubles with the girl at the shower and he was very understanding and sympathetic.
Tonight was for me. I went to an overly expensive dinner with one of my best girlfriends and then out for a cup of tea. It was very perfect. We had lots of time to chat minus kiddies and hubbies.

So, tomorrow is a new day. I will conquer some things around the house, as I'm not quite sure what time either child will be coming home. It's a me day -- a treat that I will try to enjoy.

Only...really, it's great to have you back. I always cherish your wisdom. I feel like we are kindred spirits. I thought of you often at girl camp and hoped you were relaxing and having fun.

There is no payoff at all. Well, there is the lack of appetitie. I do like the size 8!! Does that count?

Seriously, though, I get it. But, I will address the horomonal stuff I deal with the same week monthly. It was suggested I take Sam E. Does anyone take this? I've never taken anything but am willing to try ot conquer the blues I get.

I'll check in tomorrow. Bubble bath time!

I made sure to take B vitamins (6 & 12) for monthly hormonal stuff. I found it to work very well as long as I started taking the vitamins at least a week before period started. Now I'm perimenopausal and its a different story. I feel great all the time and my sex drive has increased. My obgyn tells me that will change after menopause (I hope not)!! By the way when I would get hormonal my poor H was my punching bag (how did he put up with me?)

G

G,
Am I nuts or did you change your name? Are you messing with me?

I do have a quick question.
Why do you think it is that you and a few of the others are able to see the effort my H is making but I do not? It's not that I don't see it, but some days it does not seem enough. I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for. Maybe I just need to see that he's serious about our recovery and moving forward. Maybe I need to have him be a bit more demonstrative with his efforts...I crave notes, cards...stuff like that. He knows this but almost seems like he's refusing to do this in spite of what he knows will make me happy. In the beginning I figured he would not do it because then I'd have a hard copy of his lies. I also used to be afraid that he did not send me notes or cards because he did not want me to ever be able to show them to OW in case he did leave me and then she'd know he was lying to her too. You see where my brain goes? I get trapped in all the scenarios where he was saying sweet things to me and then speaking with her behind my back. It's almost cold. I'm not sure where the conscience goes. But, I do see that this is part of the fog. It's strange how something can take over another person's brain. I've even thought the calls he's making this weekend are lies. Truely, I know they are not. He is absolutely trying to keep my mind at ease by calling many, many times. I soooo appreciate this. But, there's a fear that I'm being played for a fool. I imagine over time this fear reverts back to love/trust and I'm able to feel safe again. I long for those days...just not quite there yet.
So, I'll rely on you guys to tell me when i'm being unreasonable and that H is really making efforts. I need that from you and it's very much appreciated. So, thanks.

Yes I changed ID because I keep recommending people to the forum and they would have figured out my id (not that it is a big deal but you never know). I understand the fog thing. Your H is obviously not meeting one of your needs and that is to feel safe and secure in the relationship. You have asked for the notes as a form of confirmation, but to me it seems he's just not taking the note thing seriously (men's thinking). Does he understand what happens to you when you don't have these confirmations. You need to tell him "this is how I feel when I don't get the confirmation I need." (keeping away from saying "You" or blaming him.)

Fiori,
I want to add - even though it has been a year of recovery for us, fear still comes up at times. We were supposed to spend last week together with both kids being away at camp. Instead we were very much apart and I started feeling like we were disconnected and fear started coming back. Then H had to go yesterday morning to do a job and thoughts popped into my head - was he telling me the truth. I had my panic and waited it out to see if I really had good reason to panic and in the end I didn't. He was at a job and it was just one of those weeks that other things got in the way.

G

g,
I just want to add this little tid-bit. I believe we're up to call #14 since Friday when H left for disaster drill. I can only believe that if OW was there, she would not tolerate this much communication between he and I. In my gut, I believe she is not there. But, I still wonder if she tried to call. I'll find out tomorrow.

I don't think she's attempted: your husband has called you alot and would contact you if OW attempted and her more recent attempts have been through third-party email. Relax and enjoy the rest of your day.

G

Ok, he's back. I really wanted to spend some quality time with him but his sister is in from Minneapolis with the new BF and she came over just 10 minutes after H walked in the door. They ended up staying here for about 8 hours! So, at one time they did leave to take our youngest to a movie so we got a chance to catch up and chat. It's nice to have him home. He's called me either 'honey' or 'sweetie' twice in the past few days. He has not done this for quite a while...it was special.
We leave for vacation in two days so the time away will be valuable.

I suggest the next time he goes into the shower you surprise him by joining him. He'll offer to do a lot more than say sweet things - watch and see.

G

This suggestion was under the assumption you haven't done this - you may have already?

G