I found and married the woman I want to be with for the rest of my life, and we had a wonderful time dating, being engaged, and were married about 7 months ago (we've been with eachother about 3 years now). The facts are that our love for eachother has not disappeared at all, but the problem is this: this is her first long-term relationship and she is feeling constricted by marriage. Part of this has to do with her job/career, which she has relocated numerous times due to the industry she is in, and as a single woman she alone would make the decision to relocate when she wanted. She also enjoys hanging out with her friends, which she still does on a regular basis but feels guilty for doing so (not by me by the way, I think it's great she does so). Basically all the things she could decide on her own as a single woman she feels constricted because marriage is the bonding of your life with another person.

This woman means the world to me, and it seems to me that she might be feeling that she doesn't want to be married. One thing to keep in mind is that she has also been under an incredible amount of stress from her work for a long time. She loves what she does, but the economy and state of the industry are causing layoffs, which have been looming for nearly a year. Am I fool for believing it is the stress ?

Nothing makes me happier than being with her, and I've told her I am open to moving. I am living each day now with a pain in my chest, labored breathing, I can't concentrate at work, and am losing alot of sleep. I am begging for some advice.

Ask her if she'll go to a marriage counselor with you, so you can set some ground rules for the marriage so you both get what you want.

Also read up here about Love Busters and Emotional Needs, and start following the advice for those, to make being with you more appealing.

Thank you for the response. I actually already asked her that and although she wants to go to a therapist, she didn't seem interested at the moment about couples therapy.

One other note I forgot to mention, and this is going to sound worse than it is when you first read it, is that she -in her own words- is a selfish person. By that I mean that she enjoys doing what she wants to do, going where she wants to go, like a single person would. Having said that, we have also gone places and done things that she wouldn't necessarily go to if it weren't for my interest in these things. It's contradictory, I know, but those things make her happy, and it's possible that she didn't realize the 'sharing your life'-part of marriage would interfere with that type of thinking.

We all enjoy doing what we want to do when we want to do it. The reality is that marriage requires negotiation. It sounds as though one of your wife's love busters is independent behavior. You are both impacted by every decision the other makes. It therefore makes sense that you would take each other's feelings into account before making decisions. Read up on the policy of joint agreement. It is designed to make negotiating a win/win situation.

If your wife feels guilty about going out with her friends, then you need to listen to that and not encourage her to continue in the behavior. Going out without you is only fueling independent behavior. Why do you not go out with her?

Thanks so much for the response, I really like to get other people's point of views ...

I felt that it would look like I was exhibiting a controlling-type of nature if I tried to stop her from going out with her friends, which, at least in my mind, was exactly what I didn't want to do. We do go out together by the way, and didn't want to make it seem otherwise. I guess 'guilty' was the wrong word to describe the situation. She feels more content not being tied to someone else (specifically, me, her husband) than just being able to do what she wants. She has even described herself as a selfish person, but don't take that too harsh of a description. Everyone is selfish to a point, and she is very loving and caring as well.

In summary, from discussions with her, she has stated that she is 'confused', and not about her love for me, which she states and shows steadily. It's the concept of marriage being the bond between two people, and that you now share your lives together. I am unsure as to how to respond to her ... either let it pass with time since it may just be from work-related stress, or demand an answer, or what ? I just love her completely and can't imagine losing her, which is why am dealing with this unbearable feeling of anxiety on a daily basis.

Maybe you could follow the bookstore link at the top of this page and share some information with her. The two I would recommend are "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" and "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders". The first is about the behaviors that enhance marriage (meeting needs, eliminating love busters), and the second deals with attitudes about relationships. It sounds like your wife isn't quite a buyer yet, but a buyer's attitude is what makes a marriage most successful.

The prices are the best you will find on Dr. Harley's books, and they get them to you fast. I have never had a problem when ordering here.