Yes, I agree with you, a call in to Steve would be most helpful.

And I love that "Be Yourself" message...it is time to get real honest about this situation and with him...lay it out...

A plan is not a game, not a scheme to get him back or to make things happen in your life. This Plan has been about waiting and allowing time to pass for the A to implode and your love to remain intact. Simply waiting...

Now that it appears as though the A has imploded I have an intuition (and I think you do to) there is time for something else.

I have experienced on here there comes a time when you can show the WS the path back...you have set up a boundary and it has been firm. It has protected you and kept you and your love safe. But now that the WS may perhaps be looking back at the boundary he may see this insurmountable boundary like a weedy garden wall, overgrown with brambles and poison ivy. And what he doesn't realize is underneath there is a gate.

Is it time to clear away the brambles? Is it time to remind him to reread the Plan B letter, that it gives a solid outline on a path back? Is it time to remind him you are STILL willing to reconcile but you need him to want to?

The next email he sends perhaps you can include, "Your recent emails have seemed a bit more friendly and it hurts to read them because I still would like to reconcile our M and I get my hopes up reading your emails. So if you are not interested in reconciling and following the terms of my letter can we keep things to strictly business?"

In this way it lets him know you are still interested in reconciliation, yet if he is not you are reaffirming your boundaries.

I get the feeling he is waiting for an opening, waiting for a sign he won't be spurned at the gate...perhaps he has complained to his aunts "BB will never take me back..." Hmmmmmm...

Wow - - how about this? An entire day of posts with everyone in solid agreement on a next step?!! That's so cool!

Mimi -


Actually, I am exactly the same way. I always have to have a 'plan'. The difference now for me, than pre-D, is that I am much more flexible in my plans. If things don't go exactly as I envision them, that's ok. I am able to roll with it much better than I used to. But, HAVING a plan to start with is very important to me.

Lexxxy -
I'm sure there's some way or another to go 'wrong' - - perhaps by not following my heart? But no matter what I do or don't do, looking back I am very pleased with how I have conducted myself this last year and a half. I feel good when I look in the mirror and see WHO I am/WHO I have become.

So, for the next step, I am going to get an expert opinion. I am off next week with fun days planned all week with the kids. I am hoping to get a session with Steve early one morning. I'll keep you all posted on that.

James -


Thank you (again) for the kind words and the encouragement. I KNOW that the key is to keep true to me and to not LOWER the bar I have set for ANY man; especially for Drac.


Fox,

Yep - It's one thing to know she moved out, but it is a bit better knowing that it wasn't an amicable parting. I have been thinking about the potential for them reuniting. One of the 'previous' breakups (for which I took most of the 'blame') was the Ho giving the "it's better for your kids" story,,,,,which just left the door open. It's not looking like that was the case this go around.

So, honestly, this tid bit has helped me to decide towards the session with Steve. If there was more data to plot a more 'likely' reunion between the 2 of them (if their parting had been amicable), I wouldn't be as sure about moving in the direction that I am.

And heck, , I may consult with Steve, open the door for a look-see and then decide to close it all back up. Time will tell.

I did let these thoughts and the 'guilt' I felt for not emailing Drac first about DSS get to me. So, to eleviate my guilt, and to see what response I'd get from a tiny opening, I sent Drac picture mail of DSS at the ER and then today getting the stitches removed.

He emailed back "Thanks for the pictures of the other day and of today. They sure are growing up fast."

It's certainly not a "GEEZ, what an a$$ I've been", but it sure is a heck of a lot better than most of the communication during the HODays! ha!

I'm not giving it much thought, to be honest. As someone said, I'm not going to lose myself over how he reacts or doesn't react.

I need to get moving as Ladybug has a ballgame tonight. Just wanted to pop in for a second, confirm the 'plan' and say thanks again!

MB Buddies Rock!

SHMI,

Sorry I missed you post right before mine!

I like the visual you laid out of the brambles covering the gate.

Your idea of his looking for an opening; looking for a sign that he won't be spurned is very much the same as Lexxxy has been saying. And, it is something I think MAY be a possibility.

The "honest" part of me, though, recognizes that it may simply be that he wants a friendly co-parent relationship. Ho or HoNoMo, that may be the case.

That is why before doing anything more definitive, such as your email suggestion, I am going to talk to Steve. This kind of idea may be just the ticket!

Thanks!!

((((Bugs))))

You know.. I think I've kind of been dwelling on your sitch a bit more than I should.. but thought I'd share with you something that occupied my thoughts last night that you might want to consider about your Plan B.. and your conversation with Steve.


Where are YOU in the process?

What is the difference to you between SEEKING a recovered M.. or simply being OPEN to one.

And if you are no longer SEEKING it.. and are simply just OPEN to it.. why?

What is recovering your M worth to you?


No need to answer those things here.. just some things I've been thinking about in my own sitch..

Don't know why though.. had another one of those exchanges last night where WW may as well not have been there apart from acting as the chauffer.. there was another exchange between DS and WW as she was strapping him into the car seat, but I didn't hear enough to make it out other than it had something to do with 'daddy', and DS pouting a bit.

I think I'm just 'open' to it these days.. or trying to continue to be.. I have days where if she vanished off the face of the planet, I think maybe we'd all be better off..

This is the way I see it, James.

When she talks to Steve it means that she is SEEKING it. He will help her with a PLAN to SEEK IT. That's what those COACHING SESSIONS are all about. Being OPEN, leaves it entirely in his hands. She's OPEN to it NOW.

You make a good point Mimi.. then again, you always do.

I guess maybe I'm projecting my internal struggles and hypothetical situations in with Bugsy's real, right here, right now sitch..

I know that personally I've had several internal dialogues in the quiet moments asking myself if I WANT a recovered M.. or whether I'd just be open to it if the opportunity were to present itself..

Maybe that's part of the Plan B thing.. maybe that's just my mind running away with me playing the 'what if' game as I watch other peoples sitch unfold..

Shaking the trees trying to round up the Plan B'ers tonight. SL says we should only come out at night. Where are you?

Hey Chai!

Sorry I missed you the other night. I was just so exhausted after Ladybug's game, we came home and crashed.

James,

I have been thinking about you and your posts quite a bit. Dear, you really need to re-focus on where you are and what is happening.



One of the biggest things that disrupted the peaceful times of my plan B was when I'd do what you are doing - - - giving too much time to looking at other (more hopeful sounding) situations and trying to apply it to mine. Playing the 'what if' game.

It is hard not to do this, but it has been one of the most harmful things I did to destroy my peace. Don't let it destroy yours.

Mimi is spot on with the evaluation of SEEKING by having the session with Steve. I really thought about that the last couple of days. It is extremely important that I be 100% sure about what I am doing in that regard. It's important for ME, my peace, my well-being to be sure before moving forward.

So, with going on vacation next week, I really had to buckle down at work to get a lot done. That was a good thing. I needed to take some time to consider my 'decision' and to just be still for a bit.

I know that in order to prepare for a session with Steve, I need to do a 'timeline' of events. I did this before my previous first session with him and sent it to him in advance so that our time on the phone could be as productive as possible.

I also know that doing this timeline will be VERY hard emotionally and likely, filled with triggers of every sort. I have been dreading it in a lot of ways. My thought has been, "What if, having done a complete look back & review of the raw facts,,,,the horrible hurts,,,I find it TOO hard to move forward? What if it pushes me to decide it's been too bad, too painful?" The old "What if" game!

So, what's a Goddess to do when faced with a scary proposition and one that could be incredibly painful? She just faces it straight on and gets through it, right? Right!

So, I started on it yesterday. As expected, it's been really hard. In fact, I'm not done yet. I had to take a break, as it was very, very painful. Remembering the cold, cruel nature of Drac during some of those horrible exchanges.

Yet,,, it is becoming enlightening. I see much more of a pattern of things. The 'effect' of the Ho's presence or absence. And the 'effect' and 'quality' of my Plan A or Plan B on the interaction. And when I say that, I don't mean necessarily mean the effect on Drac, but more so the Effect for ME. The ability to handle myself, my emotions, and my peace in life. I am seeing more of that typical wayward script when I look at it in a timeline fashion.

Also, it has me questioning if there really is any possible 'interest' on Drac's part for reconciliation OR is it really just his desire for the 'let's be friendly co-parents'.

I'm not saying yes or no at this point. That's speculation on my part about him and without sufficient information to made a real judgement.

I'm plan to finish up the timeline this weekend. After which, I think I'll know for sure where I need to be in all of this.

Do I love him, still? Yes. Do I see myself opening the door to him again,,,,,,do I see myself being able to put myself out there for possible rejection? I don't know for sure 100%,,,,yet. But I will.

Oh, and don't think I'm deciding this all on my own, either. It's also a very prayerfully considered decision, too.

Well, I'm going to pop in the shower. I am taking Mom shopping this morning. Plan to work outside this afternoon and then it's Pool Time. May even blend up some frozen drinks!

Bugs,


With this GOODESS BUGS...you are officially exercising your BRAVE muscle!

....and we are right there...along with you....cheering you on!

GO BUGS BUGS GO! GO BUGS BUGS GO! GO BUGS BUGS GO!....

Bugs,

I like the idea of your timeline, and how it may help you see things more clearly. I also understand the not wanting to get hurt by it. I would like to know more about how you are constructing it. Would you mind sharing a piece of it? Is it a timeline of events, emotions, actions, what? I'm interested because I was thinking on another session with Jennifer. I think with me, it's having heard about WH's health. For some reason, I've been feeling guilty the last few days over all of it. Not sure why, because this was all clearly his choice but I have this strange feeling of a disaster looming over me. Wierd.

Anyway, I'm interested in more about what your thoughts are on this.

Remember - BS-free this weekend though (as IF this is really possible

Chai,

I started by just going back through my email - some with Drac in Plan A, as well as friends and family. I'll be supplementing by going by through my MB threads.

I have started with just listing his actions, reactions, etc. I am trying to keep it 'factual' although that isn't entirely accurate, as it is all from MY perspective. Anyway, that's where I've started. I will be adding brief notes of my reactions and responses.

Let me warn you - it's HARD work. It is emotionally draining. It is, in essence, re-living some of the worst moments of my life. A lot of it still really hurts. Some of it, as I said, I am able to look at from a different perspective. Some of it makes me laugh. Some of it makes me cry. Some of it makes me proud of myself, other parts of it not so much. Most all of it makes me sad. The times that he'd draw close,,,only to pull away. The ANGER and MEAN spirited things he did still amaze me.

Oh,,,and the Wayward Psycho Babble is unbelievable.

It makes me wonder what he would think if he were to read today some of what he said back then. Would he still be the same OR would he see if more for what it was/is?

That's the rub for me, though, isn't it?

I took Mom shopping. Spent too much money. I am exhausted. We got some great bargains and I did buy a few cute things for myself. I also shopped for living room furniture and found a couple of sets that I really like.

I think tomorrow after church, I am going to one more place and then probably making a decision. Since I am on vacation next week, I can arrange to have it delivered. I'm really, really tired of only having 1 chair in my living room.

Oh,,,and email a while ago from Drac. "What are your plans for vacation? When do you want DSS? What clothes does he need to bring".

I'm giving it some time before responding. He needn't know the details of what my 'plans' are - - Lord knows he hasn't given me any of his for the last year and a half! I'll just respond to the part about the time and clothes for DSS.

I think I'm going to have an early dinner and off to bed. I want to get lots done tomorrow so that vacation can be focused on FUN!!

Bugs,

You just sounded so drained in that last post. This IS draining, isn't it? And rehashing it all again - well, the triggers are going to be there for sure. And it is sad. Sad that families, hopes and dreams have been shattered, finances have been depleted, futures have been made uncertain. The wayward doesn't see it that way though.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I'm on that same road too. I just wish I would feel one way or the other. I wish I could just be done or not. UGH! It seems to change from week to week. I go for weeks being done, then suddenly I'm not sure. Then I hate him, then I don't.

Well, please keep sharing because it helps those of us who may follow in your footsteps.

Have a wonderful vacation this week....

{{{{{{{{{Bugs}}}}}}}}}}

Thank you so much for stopping by on my thread. I appreciate your upbeat wisdom and kind heart so much. You really are my inspiration in how you just deal with life head on and face ALL those feelings with grace and dignity and willing to always be learning the lessons.

You deserve the best vacation ever, may it be that for you.

Queenie

Hi Bugsmom,

I wanted to thank you for posting your support the other day for OWH. I didn't get to answer everyone individually when I got back, I was too excited to get the "court report" written! LOL!!

I hope you have a nice vacation!!

Charlotte

All,

Pls keep my dad in your prayers.

Short version - he went to the hospital yesterday a.m.w/ chest pain. They transfered him to a larger hospital right away

They did a cardiac cath. One artery is full of clots. Another one that had a bypass on 10yrs ago is almost closed. He currently only has 20% heart function and severe peremanent damage.

His heart could just stop at any moment. Right now, the only thing they can do is treat w/meds and hope 4 the best. It is day by day.

Drac has the kids and has been VERY supportive. I will detail that later

Keep those prayers coming!

Thanks!

I will lift him up in prayer. Get some rest and try and enjoy your vacation.

((((bugs))))


will pray for your dad.

Prayers going up for your dad from Dallas.

(((Bugs)))

Gosh Bugsy, there is a lot going on in your camp. Hang in there. Prayers for you and yours.

I'm so sorry to hear about your father. TRUST in the LORD...