It's now been a month after my wife found out I had an affair.

We've gone through hell, just the worse weeks of both our lives, but now I feel like time is starting to move again. She knows everything, and I think we're past the discovery stage. We both want to heal, to find a way to continue our marraige.

My wife is of course still having a hard time trying to trust, or love me. She feels insecure, and we have mostly good days and a couple of really bad days.

What are some things I can be doing to help my wife through this? I'm giving her all the time she needs, I'm listening to what she has to say, however hurtful and difficult. Wives, what have your husbands done to help you in this very tought time?

Hi forlife22,

forlife22 STORY LINK

I am linking your story to this thread.

I'm glad your posting on the GQ2 board.

Right now I recommend you read as much as possible from this sight. Q&A , Articles, etc.

Buy the book "Surviving an Affair"(SAA) from the bookstore on this sight. Read SAA, ASAP!



Dr. Harley say's that if we care about our spouse and have an affair, he would hate to see what our actions would have been if we didn't care about them.

Yes, it is hurtful and difficult for you to hear what you have done. But, it's nothing compared to being on the receiving end of what YOU have done.

Accept what you have done, own the choices you made, tell her you are sorry each and every time her pain bubbles over and genuinely begin the actions necessary to protect her from this in the future.

fl22,

Read this link over and over.

Protection & Extra-Ordinary Precautions LINK

Hi forlife,

Welcome to MB. It takes a lot of guts to first admit what you did and then begin to repair the damage you have caused.

TST is awesome, any advice you get from him will be the best to take to heart. Listen to him, he is creating something very special with his wife (who I miss very much by the way TST).

There will be lots of people who have way more knowledge, background and understanding of what to do. You are probably going to get brutalized with some people because there are many of us on here who are just plain in lots of pain for what has happened in our lives and we are still walking through it.

If you honestly want to repair the damage you have done and create a brand new marriage, you have come to the best place. If you are here to play games, and not really learn about what happened and prevent it from happening again, you will be found out and I wish you luck surviving.

It's been about 7 months since my wife found out I had an affair.

We've been through the ringer, but I'm happy to report that things have vastly improved. Having been through the worse couple of months in our ten year history, my wife and I now talk with a kind of honesty I never thought was possible. We still have conflicts now and then, but our approach is totally different.

Like an addiction, I used to feel this urging in my head to call the girl, but now I can honestly say she doesn't cross my mind anymore. It was never about her, it was about how I felt in my marriage.

I know this site is sponsored, but I found a great book written by someone else, that has helped us tremendously. It isn't just about infidelity, it's about why we marry who we marry, and why we make the mistakes we do. Anyone interested, I can let you know.

To the women who have been cheated on: I certainly understand the level of pain and anger you endure when your husband cheats. But some of the men that come to this website truly are remorseful, and calling them idiots and getting your licks in does nothing more than inhibit your own understanding of the situation. I'm not saying "Give them a break." I'm saying "Give them a chance." The same way you open your arms to those who have been betrayed. The same way you would want to be understood if you were to have done the same thing.

Yes, he is an adult and he chose to do a terrible thing and he betrayed you. But there is a reason. If you love this man and you believe he loves you, find out what that is and try again. Even if it means facing your own failures. Again, I'm not blaming wives who have been cheated on, nor am I taking the onus away from the cheating husbands, but unless we try to understand each other, there's no way to reconciliation.

To the guys that have cheated: If you feel remorse, and you're truly sorry and want to save your marriage, I believe it's possible. The same thing goes for you I believe: Yes, the are reasons why you cheated, but don't forget that you are an adult and that you chose to do that despicable act. Own up to it, no matter what drove you to it. Admit it, flat out. Don't be numb to it, say "I did it." It seems to me that's the only way to move forward with WHY you did it. No, it wasn't HER fault. YOU did the cheating, not her. But there are reasons.

Reasons to betray your vows - do tell..............

Its good to hear that you "certainly understand the level of pain and anger you endure when your husband cheats." I think what might be more accurate is that you'd like to understand; hope you understand. You cannot unless you have felt the same kind of betrayal. I do not understand how my WH felt when he decided to cheat and lie, but I can try. Please do not minimize this incredible pain by stating your "certainty" of your understanding.
I think what would be even more helpful on this site is tell us your story from betrayal to reconciliation. Why did you do what you did and how did you move through that to your own recovery. I have learned so much from what each member has posted, not because it perfectly fits my life, but because it gives me a broader understanding on all the issues around infidelity.
BF439

... and none of the reasons are good ones!

No, not reasons to betray your vows, but reasons to feel lonely, isolated, forgotten, neglected, abandoned.

People who have been cheated on of course have absolutely no emotional space to be understanding, but have you NEVER felt abandoned? Have you never felt neglected? Have you NEVER done anything bad that was caused by something else? Have you never done anything wrong at all?

It seems to me that for all the Christian speak I find on these threads, I rarely see the kind of forgiveness Christ really speaks of. If you aren't willing to find the reasons why your spouse cheated on you, which may or may not have something to do with the state of your marriage, then he's evil, you're perfect, and you should totally get a divorce.

written BY YOU July 16, 2008
here is the link

Part of what might be helpful for you to understand is that some (many) of the BS's still have Waywards in fog; those who have never said "wow, I had all these vulnerable feelings and I made a terrible, hurtful mistake." Instead, BS's are here trying to make sense of choices so unlike their spouses that its like the "Body Snatchers" and on top of that all the explanation they get is "I never loved you, its not you, its me (I.E. You couldn't have been a better partner, it just happens), etc. Read more about the fog and some of the incredibly hurtful things WS's SAY, not just Do and you may understand why BS's struggle with showing forgiveness.
And BTW, I have felt lonely, hurt, abandoned, especially now since my husband of 13 years left after an affair, but because I am married (even tho I am separated) I do not act on those feelings by sleeping with someone or sharing deep feelings, because I am MARRIED.
BF439

and you dealt with this by communicating with your wife?


and you dealt with this by communicating with your wife?


and you dealt with this by communicating with your wife?


and you dealt with this by communicating with your wife?


and you dealt with this by communicating with your wife?

No of course you didn't. You thought a better idea was to have an A.

(before you jump on your high horse I'm an FWW)

Good grief...you really sound arrogant in your comments. Almost all BSs here have looked at themselves to see where they neglected their spouses in order to recover, avoid the same mistakes with the spouse or in future relationships, and affair proof their M in the future. No one is claiming to be an angel that doesn't have flaws...it's usually quite the opposite. Even when the BS was neglected and abandoned by their WS most BSs didn't go out and drop their pants to feel better.

forlife22 (is that your age? 22?)

We want your marriage to succeed. We really do.

please don't attempt to scold us - you are only beginning your journey of recovery - some of us have been recovered for years ....

I hear you bf, and I'm sorry to make it seem like I KNOW for a fact. You're right, I can only understand so far. I don't at all mean to belittle what you and others go through.

From betrayal to reconciliation, we did a lot of talking. I lot of honest talking that people just don't do. We had always been really honest, but when it's painful, honesty can be next to impossible. But ever since that terrible time, we've decided we never want to go through it again, and so being honest now, about what our needs are, about what we're feeling, is the only way. We tackle problems head on. We stay up late and voice what we feel, no matter how early we have to get up in the morning, and even if we don't know the answer. Telling the other person, being connected all the time, that's what will make the difference.

For example, I ran into the OW at an event a couple of months after the whole fiasco. Nothing happened, I chose not to speak to her. I didn't want to tell my wife, because she had something important for work that night, but I knew if I kept it to myself, that would just be me hiding and not connecting, so I told her. She got through what she needed to do that night, and we talked and cried after, but we were connected, we were honest, and we were going through it together.

Nowadays, even unpleasant things that before I wouldn't tell my wife, now I do, because I don't want to get in the trap of disconnectedness. That's how the affair began, because I kept all my frustration and loneliness to myself.

No high horses here.

Clearly there were other choices to make.

But were those feelings not there?

To ignore why, and focus solely on the deed, that's not going to solve anything.

Thanks for responding, but I have to stress that there are many BS's, myself included, who spend every night tossing and turning to make sense of the "why," because their partner is so lost to them they could not even answer a "why" question honestly. Sure I focus on the deed too, that's a separate kind of pain and sometimes for extra fun I like to bounce between picturing my husband making love to another woman and then beat myself up about what I did to cause it.
Every situation is unique and I am glad that you are willing to come here and share your story, but please, be careful about your judgements about what we are or are not doing. Speak for yourself and how it feels when you read some of those judgemental posts. Who knows, that might help all of us.
BF439

forlife,

The very first assumption I made when I discovered my husband's affair?

I assumed he went to OW because he was dissatisfied with me as a woman, as a person, and that I had failed as a wife and as a human being.


How's that for taking the blame?



But your assumption that the BS doesn't take the blame, or recognize their end of the relationship isn't the case at all. We recognize it.

We work hard to change ourselves.

Where you're at right now is trying to justify yourself by looking back and pointing out that you were dissatisfied. You were feeling lonely and rejected by your wife.

Poor baby.


I am willing to bet that immediately after your wife found out that you slept with another woman, your wife felt pretty rejected by YOU.

What are the odds on that?


Pretty good, I'll take 'em.



You are trying to find your wife blameworthy. This is because you betrayed yourself FIRST by going against your own better judgement by having an affair.

The easiest person to blame is your wife. Try pointing the finger at yourself, and figuring our what YOU can work on in your relationship. After all, you control ONE PERSON in your marriage.

Guess who that is?


SB