I posted a thread on another forum - but got mostly advice in the negative (dump her, move on, etc.) Thought I'd post here for different advice. Been reading "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley about the love bank and makes a lot of sense.. reading lots of other books as well.

Here is my story:

STBXW started motion for divorce in January... attorney's were destroying any chance of amicable future co-parenting. We moved it to mediation and so now the legal separation started June 12 and STBXW bought her own house and moved out June 27 - about 4 miles away. So now she has her freedom and independence at last (from her perspective).

We have a 2.5yo daughter together and joint shared custody - I get 3 overnights each week, including ever other weekend (about 45% of the parenting time). So this thread also is to ask how to co-parent with my separated W.

I've learned since this process started in January, my STBXW the reasons for her actions as she sees it.

1. I could never understand the kind of love she "needs" (I do now, though not sure if any one could ever satisfy her "wants")
2. We were never even friends
3. I never understood her emotional, spiritual, and physical needs. (she never told be what they were - I had to figure it out for myself - Now I understand more after doing a lot of soul searching and spiritual reading)

Despite her current beliefs - I think there is a miracle of hope that we can start from scratch and re-build some sort of relationship - maybe not the same as a marriage...

Now that everything is settled and I have given her everything in the process (lump sum to buy a house, child support, freedom, etc). She now wants to be civil/friends for our daughters sake. After all of the aweful things she has siad and done to me over past 5 months I am in anguish angry and hurt - she never gave a glimmer of hope that divorce isn't emminent 365 days from then.

Yes we need to be friendly for our daughters sake. But
Part of me thinks being friendly would give my STBXW exactly the last things she wants - justification and verification that she did the right thing by getting separated because it will be best for our daughter. I disagree with the separation wholeheartedly - our relationship wasn't so bad that it would hurt our daughter and it would be best for our daughter to grow up in a home with both parents.

Yet maybe if we are friendly, it would give us something to build on over the next 12 months. Yes I know I need to build up myself, etc. Is it also possible that if we can cooperate and not argue over the next 12 months that our marriage can be repaired - or at least give it an attempt... I truly believe that the 12 month separation is specifically designed to provide breathing room, to be apart, see what its like, whether apart is better or worse - etc.

Of course, It could all be a lie - she could be in love with someone else... but of course she could learn this guy is a jerk...

Anyway, despite the odds, I do not want to give up hope that some miracle is possible... so my only course of action seems to be to continue to give her what she wants and be friendly and see if anything comes of it...

And yes I keep wavering between hope and reality...

... comments and support welcomed... thanks, SD

Has a judge ordered you to do this?

If not ABSOLUTELY DO NOT GIVER ANYTHING!

How much did you make before marriage? (specifics aren't needed you can just be vague).

She might have played you like a lottery ticket.

I'm sure folks will give you good advice on how to find out if there is an OW. I'll leave that to them.

But I will say I think you're making a good choice. If this is what you want and you're willing to do what it takes, then you should go for it.

And I know what you mean about balancing between letting her feel the consequences of her actions, versus showing her that you are the man she needs. I can't say I have that all figured out myself yet, but I think we're not suppossed to take away their troubles when they brought it upon themselves. It's their problem not ours, and they want our help, they should ask. Easier said then done.

But also, keep trying to build trust and understand how she feels. I've discovered in my case, that although my W (I don't want to say STBXW yet) says she's happier now, she doesn't love me anymore, the kids are better off this way,etc., she's absolutely miserable. She can't sleep, she struggles with guilt, she worries about the future and then some.

I guess another words, keep the faith, you may not know as much about her condition as you think you do.

The legal separation is final - the terms were fair - neither of us got what we wanted and is in line with NY State laws.

Mel_vin - True I do not know much of her situation.. there has been quite a lot of "LC" - Limited Communication (Can't have NC with a 2.5 yo daughter). I truly think she was overwhelmed with a husband and then a child on top of her work. Never was really satisfied... Thinks I'm the one causing her to not be happy... she won't admit to being depressed.

Neither of us were happy in the 6 months before she took action. We argued and bickered and the D word was used by both of us on several occassions. I had no concept of the consequences to the actions - it was just a word.

So she has moved on, never looking back and never giving me a sign that she made the wrong decision, or any sense of doubt.

I do not know if there is any chance for us. But unlike most, i do not want ot give up hope... I mean with a daughter so young, there will be 15 years of more of passing our daughter back and forth between our houses. I do not want to get into steppparent issues, etc. Seems so much easier to just fix the problems and love between us than start all over with someone else and the issues with our daughter.

For marital recovery, you could post your story on General Discussion but you would probably be better off talking to the Hurley's directly as I have a feeling you have a unique situation given that you are already legally separated and living apart.

I have some 3rd party experience with shared custody. My BF has shared custody of his DD7. I've know him and his XW (and DD for that matter) for many years so this isn't entirely just his side of the story (though probably biased towards it). Also, they split up because she had an affair and he did not want to recover the M so there were likely different feelings than what you are going through.

Initially there was a lot of anger, tension and bitterness between them. In fact, they facilitated a lot of the drop-off/pick-ups through the daycare and school. It was a strain to maintain civility during exchanges for DD's sake, but they did it. Over time, it became easier and now to look at them, they actually seem friendly. Now a lot of that is superficial - he still has some bitterness and gets angry with her (doesn't express it to her but tells me). But they are NOT friends. They are co-parents.

The thing is, they will remain co-parents until DD is grown, finished school, graduated, married, has children - and every other aspect of her life. It actually does illustrated that marriage is "til death do us part" because even though they are no longer together, they have no choice but to work together in raising their child. And they will and do have issues that might seem typical for a regular married couple (eg. I thought you were picking her up from swimming today!). It's not easy, but that's the way it is.

Thanks Tabby for your input... I'm in a very difficult place and know my chances of reconcilation are slim. But I know I have to try.

First step is to be friends and see if it can build from there - though subtle love deposits.

You can to plan B. If there is no emergency then your WW has no reason to not be able to go through a third party.

"She now wants to be civil/friends for our daughters sake. After all of the aweful things she has siad and done to me over past 5 months I am in anguish angry and hurt - she never gave a glimmer of hope that divorce isn't emminent 365 days from then."

Tell her this. It's not impossible to turn your marriage around, but you made it much harder by coming here after you separarye, give her money to buy a new home.

Because you put your self behind the 8 ball I strongly recommend that you call the harley's for counciling.