I noticed in another thread about how a member feels that he can't "measure up" to OM. He didn't mean it in a sexual manner (I don't feel anyway), but that comment really struck a chord with me.

I feel that in an overall sense of value, self-worth, and basically who I am as a person...I more than measure up to OM. I know this because of the contact (although minimal) that I have had with him. The guy is a loser compared to myself.

But, one issue that I am having a hard time with is "measuring up" in the bedroom. It's easy for me to say "ya, I've seen the guy...what a fat, greasy lowlife", because I have first-hand knowledge of that aspect. I will NEVER have first-hand knowledge of the bedroom theatrics between he and WW. And, right now I feel that because they had multiple sexual encounters...and the fact that WW "enjoyed" the sex, that I am never going to "measure up" to OM.

By "measure up", I mean in all senses of the word as far as sex goes. Size, quality of sex, pleasure for her, techniques, etc...

How does a guy overcome all of this?

I would like to think that I am good in bed, and have enough experience that I can give myself some credit. But, it seems as though it wouldn't matter if I were Ron Jeremy right now (he's a porn star, for those of you who don't know him) ...I would still feel like I don't measure up to OM.

BH's, how do you/did you get past this?

If there are any WW/FWW's that have any insight to give, I'd appreciate your advice as well.

Many tire kickers coming in here.

I know it's a bit of an uncomfortable subject for some, but it's a huge subject for BH's....isn't it?

It's also a problem for BW's...at least this one anyway. I worry that I won't please Ike as much as OW did or that I won't be as good at something, which logically, I know is silly, but I can't help it. So....don't think it's just a problem for the males out there....the females feel that way also.

I'm not a BH, but I know what you're talking about. However, since my wife had a child before we were married and I know the birth father pretty well, these thoughts have crossed my mind.

A) Don't think about that. There is always going to be somebody out there who's better at sex then you are. I know it's different, but still.

B) If what we've been told is true, it's not just physical for women, they need the emotional attachment as well. So assuming the emotional attachment with OM is gone or reduced, you win.

C) Sex is never the same each time. Sometimes it's great, sometimes it's just ok. You aren't going to be at your best each time. Maybe that doesn't help much, but maybe it takes some pressure off.

D) Maybe the wife can take this concern into account and give you a little extra encouragement?

E) Maybe learn a little something new to add to your arsenal in the bedroom? I hate to admit it, but I have done a little bit of research in that department in my free time, in hopes to make things better in SF, if I ever get the chance.

F) It probably took a while for your W to find you, and she selected you over all the other choices. With the OM, he was probably the only option. So odds are you have much more for her needs they he did.

Some of these would apply vice versa too I think. But maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.

You may not want to hear from the likes of me…

I’m still not over it. (Well, not in the way you are probably thinking of.)

Actually, she did tell me he was better SF-wise, and not better any other-wise.

FWW and I were virgins on our wedding night. I have not had intercourse with anyone else, ever.

There was a period of hysterical bonding after D-Day 2 of the VLTA (and the other D-Day), but then I started to experience very graphic images of them together and I could not make it work. I tried and I tried. I even went to an IC who taught me to use what she called stop signs and directed eye movements to redirect my thinking, but all they did was remove my desire for SF altogether.

At least the female can sort of fake it, mechanically speaking. Not so for the male.

It’s very Pavlovian - I feel an urge for SF but then I quickly get images of them together and I can’t perform. I use the tricks they taught me to get rid of the images and then I am suddenly completely not interested at all, every urge is driven out along with the images, and I can’t perform either.

The embarassment is not worth it.

So, on the bright side I don’t miss it any more. No interest with anyone. I see a beautiful woman and I immediately think, ugh, sex is just a one way ticket to heartbreak. My EN for SF and wife being with OM is completely linked.

It’s been 3 1/2 years since D-Day 2 of the VLTA so I’m starting to think I will never be over it.

But, I don’t much care, either.

So maybe I am over it.


With prayers,

PS: It’s generally embarrassing to talk about this, you know. So I’m wondering if maybe if I can get past the embarrassment I might see some improvement?

It's not only BHs that feel this way, how about us BWs? I always prided myself in being the best in bed, I was always patient and understanding as well, and now, well my esteem has taken a major shattering! My F?WH says it wasn't about me, it was about him, but it sure affects me! It FEELS like it's me, no matter WHAT I tell myself! How do you get over this? I don't understand any of this, the unfairness, nothing. My girlfriend tell me any guy would give his right eye to have a wife like me, but it's not "any guy" that's affecting me, is it? It's my H! If anyone has any idea how to get their esteem back, I'd be open for suggestions...

Hmmm, well if it makes you feel better, I have to take a pill or I'm pretty useless. Part of my issue is high blood pressure medication, but there is more to it then that.

But I was also going to say, don't you think part of the attraction to the OM was that it was wrong, taboo? You can't compete with that, no body can. Even the OM can't compete when it's no longer taboo. That's a big part of why affairs fail all the time.

I get these comments all of the time as well (of course the opposite gender)...they don't make anything easier to handle, that's for sure.

Plan A your new self.

And plan B your old self.

If your H is not stepping up to his responsibility and making you the center of his life after his adultery, then you do it. You remake yourself anew. You create the new person you want to be. H can come along with you or not as he wishes.

with prayers,

W tells me that's a big reason that she enjoyed the sex. I will never measure up then, is all I think.

She can say anything to try to make me feel better about this issue, but it's like I'm listening to the teacher from Charlie Brown....blah, blah, blah......

While she is talking what I hear is this...."his d!ck is huge, he made me orgasm 12 times in an hour, we did EVERYTHING that I won't endulge in with you...over and over, I screamed his name so loud the neighbors complained to the police, etc...."

I could be needing a pill soon, myself.

Its more like this Intro,....wah wah wah wahhhhhhhhh...(this is all over my first thread back in the A days....its was Marks Manta to me during the "fog"...... )


not2fun

Thank you for mentioning that, that helps me a little.

har, OM's BW told me OM always had to pill up. FWW eventually admitted the same about him too.

I don't think a pill will help me, though. Dr said it wouldn't. My problem is up on top.

In garden variety adultery perhaps. Their affair lasted 10 years, with multiple D-Days. Their SF was like an old shoe long before I found out the first time even. But, even if this were true, it means nothing to me. What would I construct with that belief?

With prayers,

lol...sorry. Not trying to steal yout thunder, not2fun.

My memories of Charlie Brown have faded it seems...lol.

No apologies needed...In fact it brought back a good memory of that time, and there aren't many. This place was about the only place I could end up smiling and even laughing on some days. It was fun to remember because I had forgotten..... ....too bad the "other memories" of that time haven't faded as well....


not2fun

ps...and yes BW have a hard time too. Though I do think it is much harder on men since that is generally a high need of theirs.....

Well in my situation, my WH listed as his reason for his affair that he wanted to see if his *edit* would work better with someone other than me. He says it didn't, in fact it was worse, he couldn't do it, but he did play around with her. Emotional, physical, whatever, it doesn't make any of us feel any better knowing that's what they wanted and we were cast aside.
Oddly enough, he's been doing better since breaking off with her, as if the stress and depression over the affair and all of the lies that went with it, caused a lot of his problem. I've encouraged him to see a doctor and the doctor says it's stress that's caused his problem. I've always tried to be understanding and not demanding, and have shown interest in him, I really don't know what more I can do. He puts pressure on himself that isn't coming from me and says it's really hard for a man to not be able to perform...I'm sure it is...it's just as hard to have him choose someone else over his wife!
I already practice enjoying every aspect known to man with him so I honestly don't know what more I can do...I just keep on trying to help him relax and enjoy what is without worrying about what isn't...it seems to be working.

Aphelion, I figured your Dr would say something like that, and I'm sure he's right. It's for physical things more then anything else.

However, it would allow for things to happen with less stimulation, thus less mental work on your part. I'd think. It might me be somewhat of a confidence booster? I don't know. I've never taken it when I didn't plan on using it, so I don't know.

And I hate the false impression that people have about the pill. It has nothing to do with testerone levels, or desire for SF, it's all about blood flow...at least as far as the pill goes. The only real problem with it is that you have to pretty much plan everything. And it's expense. However, probably thoe only good thing about my separation is that it gave me an oppurtunity to stockpile and let insurance pay for it. They will only pay for so many.


And honestly, I think men have trouble with knowledge of an affair because they compare themselves to the OM physically. I could be wrong, but I'd think women have a need to know they ae beautiful, and having their husband go elsewhere would really damage that need.

Quote: "I will NEVER have first-hand knowledge of the bedroom theatrics between he and WW. And, right now I feel that because they had multiple sexual encounters...and the fact that WW "enjoyed" the sex, that I am never going to "measure up" to OM."

This is exactly what I'm going through now... my WW has been gone for 2 months now living on her own and spending every waking moment with the OM as far as I know. From what I know the PA part has been going on for the 2 months, the EA for 6ish months.

I have some very reserved feelings about "being" with her IF she comes back. The mental pictures of her with someone else, especaily because I know who OM is would be very difficult to overcome. I feel I can forgive her for all that she has done but can't seem to let go that WW is somewhat "blemished" or "damaged" for lack of better words...

Hopefully I can find some info in this post too?

Well my husband picked someone nine years younger than me and a tiny size 5...I didn't see her but he called her a "hot chick". I could have done without that piece of information. You bet it's damaging to us. I can't compete with someone nine years younger than me no matter how attractive I am!

And yes there are pills to help even with stress, my husband tried one once and it helped somewhat although not totally, but it upset his stomach so he didn't want them anymore. But I would think it'd help just knowing it's there to take if you want to. I know the pressure is tremendous for guys...and just for the records, although most women have "faked it", I never have, I believe in honesty and don't see how anything good can come from dishonesty, no matter how well intended.

Wow, that sounds pretty much a lame excuse.


What's the harm in trying? it's not like they announce it when you pick up your pills at the pharmacy. Although I was kind of embarrassed the other day when I realized I looked rather pathetic picking up viagra and Anti-depressants. lol.


Does he know that he can make you happy with something other then what's down there? I'm just wondering if some of the pressure was off to perform that way, and gained confidence elsewhere, it might be easy.

And a man doesn't have to be up to have his fun. Does he know that? I'm wondering if that would take some pressure off, if he had a night where he didn't have to do anything.



Yea, give him time. Like I said, part of my stuff is probably psychological too. I've been considering working out more as maybe that could give a pschological boost. I think a part of me still has that good church person mindset too.