Also, I don't think you should get married when there's already a dealbreaker to handle. MaryMartha didn't say outright that the child support and maternal involvement would be dealbreaker issues, but the passion she brought when describing the situation and the reality of her feelings, make it a dealbreaker.

Pursuing child support is a big decision to make, and is trying to force the mom to honor her visitation.

"We've been together since Feb. this year and had planned to marry in Oct., but I've decided to push it back to next Spring (with which he was totally OK with)."

Yea I bet he IS totally OK with postponing the wedding!

You've been 'together' as in dating him since February?
That's only 5-6 months and already you're trying to tell him how to parent his kids, deal with his XW, and manage his money?

I personally would have nothing to do with somebody who tried to start bossing me around like that, just a few months into our relationship.

And it is obvious you view co-parenting with him as a burden that you feel his XW should pay you to do. And what? If she pays you, then you will magically morph into a sweet and loving step-mom to his kids? Your resentment about taking care of his children is blatant and IMHO a warning sign that you won't be a very good step-mom to them, regardless of financial issues.

There ARE women who would LOVE to marry a man who has custody of his children, and the XW wants to be uninvolved! (me for example)
Some of us women really love parenting; the situation you are complaining sounds ideal to lots of women. No doubt your fiance realizes this and must be thinking he made a mistake mentioning marriage to you instead of a woman who would actually enjoy helping him raise his kids.

The complaint about the XW not always taking the son when she has visitation, sounded as if you resented having him around.
Most likely his son has already noticed your negative attitude. So his bio mom fails to come get him for visitation... and then his future step-mom acts annoyed because he's stil there... poor kid.

I would not let anyone with your attitude near my children, so of course they'd not be somebody I'd consider getting married to.

Because of your resentment towards his children and his XW, it would not be a good idea for the two of you to get married. Just consider the whole thing a romantic fling that wasn't going to go anywhere. It would probably be better for you to not date any divorced men with children in the future.

"And although I read people's suggestions to disengage, I don't think I'd do that. I couldn't be present in the house with his DS and refuse to help with homework. Or cook him a nutritious meal a few days a week. Or listen to him if he's hurting about something. He really is a sweet kid, and I'd do anything for him."

I could not ignore the needs of a step-child either (and I'd cook him a nutritious meal a few times per DAY)...
BUT you aleady have this major atitude of resentment about it when you haven't even started to do it yet (just dating the kid's dad on weekends?).

You definitely should cancel the wedding IMHO.
Why no date only men who do not already have children from a previous marriage? And your fiance was unwise to allow himself to get involved with you, failed to put the best interest of his chidlren before the fun of dating.

Again, the LAST thing I would want in a future spouse is somebody who would resent or complain about helping me support and parent my kids!

Also, my daughters would be very worried if their father, my WXH got involved with a woman with your attitude. It wouldn't exactly be a pleasant experience for them to have a step-mom who wanted control of child suport and visitation issues! (WXH's OW tried that and it was one of the reasons OW and WXH broke up.)

Interesting points you bring up Meremortal. Since I am currently dating a dad with 50% custody, I can tell you some of the real issues with it. The main one being that XW is still in the picture. They see each other frequently to drop off and pick up and they talk on the phone in between to make arrangements. Things like after school activities, vacations, appointments and changes in minor plans all have to be discussed, decided and the details worked out. In fact, they are STILL a family even if it's a broken one. Sometimes he talks to her more than me. He has asked me a few times if it bothers me. I'll admit it is strange - I have never done this before - but having been married and having had a child I can't see how it could be any other way. I have no jealousy or resentment about it but I can understand how someone else might in this situation. It is probably difficult for someone who has never been married nor had kids to fully understand this. It's actually one of the reasons that I decided up front not to date men who had never been married themselves (I did date one briefly and it was clear we were from different universes).

"The vibe I kept getting was that she'd be much happier with a man who didn't have children from a previous marriage."

The vibe I got was that her fiance's son would be much happier if she married a man who didn't have children from a previous marriage.

I sense so much resentment on her part towards what her fiance's son would be taking away from her future children measured in time and money that might get spent on his son vs her children.
She isn't even married to this man yet, doesn't even have any children of her own yet, and she's already bitter and bickering about how much time/money is spent on his son that could be going to her kids?

This is the EXACT same ugly attitude that the XOW revealed to my WXH, part of why her plan to get married ot him and have kids with him fell through. But instead of my WH having custody of the children, I did and he had to pay child support. XOW felt WH was 'failing' to put her and her out-of-wedlock child (from another man) 'first place' by paying child support to and having visitation with, his own daughters. She wanted to get married to my husband and have 3 babies with him (because he 'owed it to her' because he'd had 3 children with me). She broke up with him one time because she wanted to be assured that his "family was totally out of his life - she wouldn't be second place". OK her demands were slightly different, but it's the same ugly attitude IMHO:

Being bent out of shape because the person you want to marry and have children with already has children, therefore some of the time and money that could have gone to the new spouse and their children will go to the existing children from the previous marriage...

WHY do these people go after people who already have children if they know they are going to be filled with so much resentment?

If a man was interested in me and showed even a hint of that attitude, I wouldn't have anything more to do with him! Maybe Mary/Martha's fiance is so blinded by lust that he isn't thinking straight?

And if I meet a man who already has children, I would never want to say or do anything that makes those children feel as if they are resented!

I met a couple who both have kids from a previous marriage and a couple children together (yours, mine, and ours).
His XW cheated with her XH! That's how they met - trying to end and recover from their former spouses' adultery. The adulterous couple do not have primary custody and are slackers when it comes to visitation and support. Yes, they do what they can to try to get the slackers to contribute... but sometimes all that translates into is spending a lot of time and money going to court, time and money diverted away from parenting the kids RIGHT NOW, it could be argued that it might pay off financially in the long run... but meanwhile the kids are growing up fast and need your attention NOW! She homeschools the kids and has a home-based business. He is hard-working at a traditional job.

And they are immensely HAPPY! I couldn't even tell which kids were his and which were hers, (I only knew the littlest ones were 'theirs' because of them being the youngest). ALL of the kids seemed very happy and having a blast being in such a big boisterous family. Sure money is tight sometimes, but there is no sense of resentment, no attitude of 'look what my having to pay attention to, or pay for, your kids is taking away from my kids'. It was a beautiful thing to watch: seeing the two parents interract with the children and not being able to detect whether the parent patching up the skinned knee or giving the teen some spending money, was the bio-parent or the step-parent.

My WXH was raised by a step-father. And there was never a doubt which kids were his and which were his step-kids from my XMIL's first marriage... he made sure time and money he wanted spent on HIS kids was not spent on his step-kids... AND what little time and money was spent on the 'step-children' was done with resentment and complaints from the step-father (in spite of money not being tight - she did marry him for his fat-paychek after all). My MIL caved to allowing her children to be treated as second class members of their own family, with disastrous results. Her children, the 'step-children', have 6 divorces between the 4 of them so far. Of the 'step-kids' children more than a dozen have been aborted, each of the 7 living children have been put through their parents divorcing at least once; the 4 boys have been in trouble with the law, 2 of the boys barely made it through high school and did not go to college or trade school (don't have steady employment), the other 2 boys both just flunked 10th grade this year (the 2nd time flunking the 10th grade for one of them). All 3 of the girls are my daughters - 2 of which sufferede severe depression form their father's adultery and the divorce.

My XMIL should not have married such a man.
Instead she should have married a man who would have loved her chidlren as his own.

And he should have married a woman who did not already have children.

This is a good example for this situation, even if it is reversed. I am lucky in that I get along well with BF's XW.


This is absolutely true and it boggles the mind. If someone is not what you want, why continue dating them, let alone go to the next step? It happens with other issues too, but it is the saddest with children since they have to live with the consequences.

I know a guy who had 50/50 custody of his 2 daughters. He met a woman and they dated for 2 years before he popped the question. She told him THEN that she didn't want to get married because she didn't want to raise his daughters (they have a mother, but I guess she didn't want to even be a stepmother 50% of the time). On the one hand, at least she was honest. But why did she date the guy for 2 years if she knew she didn't want it to go anywhere?

People need to be honest with themselves as well as others. Otherwise, everybody gets hurt.

WOW!!

With all the headaches I keep reading about - being single, not even dating except on occassion, is looking better all the time.

I'm glad my kids are grown and on their own and I can do whatever I want!!

Getting deeper into my profession is more appealing than getting into the junk involved with relationships! I can give (massage therapy) to whomever I decide and reserve the right to refuse service to those who give me a reason.

Maybe one day I'll see it different - but not right now!

GOOD LUCK EVERYBODY!!