If you have a minute or two, I'd be interested in your thoughts on some emails I've posted in my thread. I've had some back and forth with the SCQ (WW), and there's a really nice one where she tells me I shouldn't be saying bad things about her married boyfriend in front of our children, but I'd be most interested in your thoughts on the email I just sent her.

I know what I think I was trying to do with it (I think), but a professional look would be interesting. If you have time and inclination.

I sure hope she sees it. I learn so much from what she has to say on the subject of communication.

Fox

SB, when you are done with Guy Smiley's thread, would you please pop by mine and let me know what you think?

I think I know what WxH is after but I would really appreciate your take on it.

Thanks!

Fox

Can I get in line too ...
I have ring isues and I would love Sb's feedback on that .

I will look at your thread!

SB

I'm almost afraid to ask.

Would you mind looking at my emails to WxH and see what you think?

I guess what I'm looking for is whether I said what I meant to say.

I'm wondering if I jump into fix it mode and "run over" him a little bit in doing so.


Fox

I didn't see you run over him. He seems to try to manipulate you, though. He sees that you tend to have a soft spot for him. He thinks he can get you to give him things - and my guess is you have in the past. He is going to use that to his advantage for a long time, until you have practiced COMPLETE and total shut-off for it.

In other words, your response to his pleas must always be "no". If you even give in ONE TIME, you will not eradicate the behavior.

He is not your husband anymore, but he still feels entitled to something from you. Your money, some service, and your sympathy.

He is using your softness for him, what he knows is still there, to his own advantage. He thinks (or knows) that you ultimately cave in to him, at least on some things.

As long as you cave in, he will continue the behavior. His emails show he is setting it up - "I will go to jail" - is the clear attempt to get you to feel worried, feel sorry for him.

Until you harden the soft spot, his advantage in this area will remain strong, and he will use it. Just be aware it is there, and when those things are brought up, recognize them!

SB

Thank you, schoolbus. I think you nailed it.

I always wondered if he realized that he was manipulating me or if it was "accidental" and that I just allowed myself to be swayed too easily.

I have also felt as though he seemed/seems to feel entitled to whatever it is/was that he wants from me.

I've always felt as though he treated me like I was too hard-nosed and it was my way or the highway. So I'd give in because I don't WANT to be hard-nosed. It still wouldn't be good enough and I'd give in more.

Until my way was unrecognizable yet I was still treated as though we were doing it my way. KWIM?

I wondered if he STILL knew I had/have a soft spot for him.

I hate to admit it, but I do cave and I cave WAAAY to easily.

It will take some work to squash that. I recognize that I must.

Thank you. Very much.

Fox

Ooooh! One more quick question. WxH signs everything with his FULL name. I always found that kind of odd. Like it was less intimate.

John Bob Doe III (he's the "third" in carrying the family name)

He signs this way legally, of course, on documents. He also signs letters, cards, etc that way. He'd write letters to me in high school and sign it that way. He would sign office co-worker birthday cards. Birthday cards to his mother.

Bab's BH saw a birthday card from WxH to Bab's and he had signed it with his full name.

Every once in a while he'd sign just his first name on something personal to me and emails are only his first name.

I always wrote this off to pride in the family name.

I would think that personal things would be different but they are not. I have Valentine's cards signed "your loving husband, John Bob Doe III".

Do you have a take on it?


Fox

?

Bumpity bump.

Hope you don't mind, schoolbus, I copied our posts into my thread so I can keep track of them.

Fox

I see you are on, schoolbus. If you have a moment and don't mind, I'd really appreciate you letting me know what you think about WxH signature on personal cards, gifts, etc. The post is a little further up.

Thank you!


Fox

My first impression is pride.


I'm thinking.

BRB.


SB

It isn't pride.

It has to do with size.

The name makes him large. A "presence", so you won't forget him.


SB

Wow! Once you stated that, I can totally see his need for that. His need to "be someone."

He had stated how he felt unnoticed or unimportant to those around him. He never said it about me but about work, his sister, etc.

Do you think it was a quest to be bigger to me or just the world in general?

Again, WOW.

Fox

I have those same issues with confidence and feeling unimportant, unnoticed, or invisible to the others at time.

I wonder how and if that comes out in me somehow.


Fox

I view you as rambunctious, and others do notice you. You tend to be a little crazy at parties, having a "wild side", I would guess.

In reality, you are probably more conservative than "wild" when it comes to life - But you like to cut loose every now and then - only you know your responsibilities and they keep you fairly tethered. You temper your wild moments and know when to call it a day.

You add to the discussion, but you don't like to lead.

You ask questions, and others enjoy your company, because you are helpful and caring. You are one to stay loyal, and you stick up for others when they need it.

You don't need to be noticed. You already are noticed, although you don't even realize it. That is a good thing.

People in your life respect you, and I would venture a guess that many people have asked you for advice.

SB

I don't know how you do it, just off the typed words. Your thoughts hit VERY close to home.


IRL, I am pretty quiet at any "parties." I've never been much of a partier, because I am VERY concerned about making a fool of myself.

I WANT to cut loose - but the responsibilities keep that under wraps.

I am not a drinker and if I even plan on drinking a LITTLE on occasion, I have to know that someone is there to drive, that DDs will not be around, and I will be in tip top shape the next day. I've never had a hang-over a day in my life.

I've never felt "safe" enough to really be able to cut loose.

My mom's new husband the other day called me a "corker." He said he had the impression that I was very quiet and reserved. We went up to their campsite one weekend, my sis and BIL were there and I was teasing them, etc. His opinion changed a bit after that.

When being introduced to new people, I will say hello, shake hands, etc, and then withdraw. Until I am standing a bit on the outside of the circle of people. Not alot, just enough.


Yup. Not a leader at all. I have a fear of being seen as bossy.


Thank you for this. I don't see it at all, but I hope it is true.

I think Lilsis is one of the most that I felt I needed to protect. Looking back, I'm not sure why I was so offended for her.

At times I think I see attacks when they are not really there. I tend to be very sensitive to criticism - of me and of others.



I hope I am respected and I have been asked for advice. I often wonder why - who am I to tell them what to do?

Fox

Thank you, SB, for your time and effort.

Your field of work really intrigues me.

Fox

I'm not surprised to hear you were called a "corker". I would have used the same term!

I can see that in you!

That's why I said "rambunctious". I see you with a lot of energy. You are on the go, you probably accomplish a lot in a day, and others wonder how you do it all.

I can see why you felt the need to defend Lilsis, so did I.

Not surprised you reign in the drinking - not surprised at all. You have to - responsibilities keep you tethered. I knew that.

You are an open person, and your exH lost something very valuable. He doesn't know that yet. He will, in about 5 years or so. He is very slow to understand things. His need for presence prevents understanding, as his focus is always on his own needs. It will take a long time. Unfortunately, you will have moved on by then.

BTW, my sixth sense tells me that you have some time to wait before the new man comes into your life. That's okay though, as you are not yet ready. Waiting, in your case, is going to be a good thing.

SB