Hi HM,

I am answering your question on the other thread. About strength in a woman. I had to form it. Because of my dysfunctional and abusive childhood.

I was raised with very strict religious parents. Dad was strict and hardly there. Mom was strict and crazy. Always yelling and overreacting. Mom was really crazy in that she believe people were after us, made us write down licence plates in the school parking lot, etc.

Anyhow I lived with that and plenty of verbal, emotional, and some physical abuse all while growing up. On top of it we moved 21-25 times and I had to make friends again and again in different parts of the country we moved to.

I had to get all A's or I was bad. Once I got a D in a class in college and I told my parents on the phone (they were on vacation 200O miles away) and they flew home and berated and punished me. In high school, I got a C in math and my Dad made me do two hours of math homework a night after that.

Anyhow there was a lot more but I was very sensitive persona dn became very very insecure and had low self esteem when in college. (I broke out of the family home and moved out on my own at age 18). I felt I was worth nothing, less than nothing actually. There were times I could barely function around other people I felt so badly about myself. Other tended to disrespect me since I had very little idea of bounaries or who was toxic, etc. At one point I had a difficult job experiance and became depressed (had to take meds for a year) when a male boss make sexual innuendos at me and asked me to take off my shirt,,,when no one would help me not even the union rep. I always cared about others however.

What subject does a person with low self worth like me take in college? Well, of course, Psychology. I majored in it and got my degree in 8 years of night school working full time. I bought my own home at age 26. I worked full time jobs since age 18.

Shelter has always been important to me since my family had moved around 24 times when I was born thru age 18.

Anyhow, I wanted to find my passion in life (where my talents and gifts were) and I asked God to show me this. It took 10 years, lots of self evaluation, writing journal after journal to get to know my inner self, and placing myself in challenging and interesting new learning situations in order to do away with the bad parts of my family upbringing and keep the good parts of it.

I also had to challenge my fears. And overcome all of them. (there were plenty of fears) That was quite a 5-7 year battle!!!! Oh and plus the learning to love and care for myself which I am still learning how to do. And how to have a balanced healthy life.


And I learned about different lifestyles so that I could choose my lifestyle wisely. I did not want a "lifestyle" thrust on me!!!!NO! NEVER! I believed that I should ACTIVELY and WISELY CHOOSE the lifestyle that fit ME. After all, it was going to be my lifestyle and I had to live within it!!!!! I had to be the one to choose. I let no one or no thing else make my decisions for me. I had to do it. And I did it with gusto.

Then I found out I could choose my friends. Any toxic friends I learned to dump and keep the good ones. Why have millstones around your neck, life is hard enough without that!

It was important for me first, to know what path I was on in life and what path I was supposed to go toward!!! I had to get my bearings. Took years.

OK.....well one day God finally came thru when I was ready for it and laid my life's work and passion on me. I was able to buy one rental home and loved it. I guess I was meant to buy, rehab, and rent out homes. Wow, I tried this one home (accidently) and it worked out. I tried another one, it worked out too. I was now working full time as a casemanager as one of my jobs helping others but I was buying rentals on the side.

I went wild with every phase of real estate. It was so fun. I had to learn to deal with tenants, both difficult ones and good ones. I finally was able to quit my full time job. I taught myself everything and immersed myself in that area of knowledge. I camped out in the library day after day reading books on rental and real estate and rehabing homes.

I had to learn to be strong. In order to manage my now complex life. I had to hire workmen, some who ripped me off (another learning experiance for a woman) and all that. I had to learn how a home worked, from plumbing to elec, heat, etc. How to pick good tenants, etc.

I now feel I could pick out and buy a home in a few hours! It would take me longer to pick out a good dress and matching purse to wear to an occasion..... than to find and buy a good home.

Dating, I dated three men mainly. My three lovers. One relationship spanned 14 years or so. He was great and a good friend but a lot was missing and he was dysfunctional. One man I was really in love with (or thought I was) wanted children and I did not so I was crushed and broke off with him. After that I bought many homes to fill the void and the pain of the breakup.

My mother hated having children (us) she always told us it was dissapointing and that we did not have to do it. (So I did not have nor ever want children)

So,,,,then after I broke up with the man I dated the longest, G, I made up my mind I would date men online..... whatever it took to meet my Mr Right! The lifetime love! One who I would be compatible with and who would give to me as much as I could give to him! A non dysfunctional man for me!

I was ready to date 100 men. But it only took three dates. When you date online, it is a numbers game, to find a compatable date for you, you end up eliminating for incompatability, nearly 90 % of the contacts by e-mail communication with them, then you eliminate 5% more by talking to them on the phone. The remaining 5% or less, you meet in public places or with groups of friends. Safety is paramount.

I met my husband...he was my third "actual" dating experiance from this online dating idea. He was really great. I fell in love and so did he in a few weeks. Would it last? I was 43 he was 44 at that time. I had quit my full time job by then. I did not tell him what I did for many months. Neither of us had ever been married. He had had an accidental child from a past relationship but she was 3000 miles away and had two kids of her own.

It got better and better and I never met anyone who was so compatable with me. It was and is a pleasure for us to be around each other 24/7. He works at his job. WE lived together in 1998/99. Got married in 2000 and it is better and better.

What brought me to MB...my husband began to want less sex than I did. I was shocked as I was cute and no man had been this way before (course I had only been with two or three men in my life before this one) I was stunned. I loved this man so much and yet our sex life was messed up. I had never learned to ask for sex, heck, I never had to ask...or even hint for it, it was just there for me, more than i ever wanted. Sex was readily available and now, the love of my life, did not seem to want it.

I was so hurt, I had to be here on MB for a few years and tried EVERYTHING to first UNDERSTAND the concept of different sex drives and THEN to SOLVE our problem. So that our marriage could be saved. I was NOT going to LIE DOWN and take the lack of sex. NO WAY> I had to solve this problem no matter how deep I had to go within myself or how difficult it seemed to be. How could we be so compatable in every area but SEX??? I dont know.

So, now the issue has been solved. I did not give up. I persisted until we found the solution. I did not stuff my feelings nor hide my need for sex. I learned how to ask for sex in many ways. Women need sex too! At least most women do.....people here on MB helped me and talked me thru my struggles, I think some of them learned some stuff also!

2005, I found a little lump, it was breast cancer. IT was agressive but had not yet spread in the nodes or blood. YAY

I went thru 4 months of hard chemo and lost all my hair. It grew back.

I had so many aches and pains and hips and joints hurt for two years after. I thought I would never recover FROM THE CHEMO! But I did, it has been about three years later now and I am pretty much fine. Having cancer does a number on your life but it showed me what was important and showed me how much my H loved me. He cared for me all thru it. He cried more than I did when I found out it was cancer.

So, I am still learning, growing, and trying to help others. I have sold some of my homes and still have some left.

There it is my friends.

WOW! I am inspired by your tenacity.

Thank you for sharing your story with me (and everyone else who reads it).

HTM

Wow Stella,

That is inspiring. I'm thrilled for your successes and happiness in life. You truly deserve all that life's blessings have to offer.

Wow you folks are too nice!!! Thanks

Just honest.

You've been through alot and need to be acknowledged for it.